M 

j 


THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
OF  A  BEGGAR 


BY  I.  K.  FEIEDMAN 

THE  LUCKY   NUMBER 

POOR  PEOPLE 
BY   BREAD   ALONE 


1 ' '  2^r  missin*  de  chanct  ter  make  a 
dime  quick, '  /  says. ' ' 


THE 

AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
OF  A  BEGGAR 

Prefaced  by  Some  of  the  Humorous 

Adventures  &  Incidents  related  in 

THE    BEGGARS'     CLUB 

By  I.  K.  FRIEDMAN 

With  Eighteen  Illustrations  by 
W.  GLACKENS 


Boston 

Small,  Maynard  &  Company 
1903 


Copyright,  IQOS-IQOS,  by 
THE  CURTIS  PUBLISHING  COMPANY 

Copyright,  JTQOJ,  by 

SMALL,  MAYNARD  &>  COMPANY 
(Incorporated) 

Entered  at  Stationers'  Hall 
Published  April,  IQOJ 


The  Mershon  Company  Press, 
Rahw ay,  New  Jersey,  U.S.A. 


•  ••• 


i 


MY  DEAR  SISTEK  KITTIE  : 

HA  VE  been  begging  so  many  favors  from 
you  all  my  life  long  that  I  hesitate  to 
make  another  increase  on  the  wrong  side  of 
the  account ;  but  I  promise  you  now  to 
erase  "the  sign  of  the  kind  lady"  from 
your  door,  and  to  wrong  your  generosity  no 
more  if  you  will  grant  me  this  one  favor  : 
May  I  not  beg  to  dedicate 

THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
OF  A  BEGGAR 

to  you? 


M126C38 


The  Beggars'  Club  hereby  resolves  to  thank  Mr. 
George  Horace  Lorimer,  the  editor  of  "  The  Satur 
day  Evening  Post "  of  Philadelphia,  for  his  signal 
kindness  in  opening  the  hospitable  doors  of  his 
sanctum  to  its  hungry  and  forlorn  members  ;  and 
it  furthermore  resolves  to  thank  the  Curtis  Publish 
ing  Company  for  the  privilege  of  including  in  this 
volume  such  of  the  minutes  of  The  Club  as  were 
published  serially  in  ''The  Saturday  Evening  Post " 
of  Philadelphia.  The  Club  likewise  spreads  upon 
its  records  an  acknowledgment  of  the  debt  of  grati 
tude  which  it  owes  to  Mr.  W.  Glackens  for  his 
sympathetic  pencil  portraits  and  illustrations, 
without  which  the  touching  appeal  of  its  members 
to  the  public  for  charity  and  forbearance  might 
have  been  made  in  vain. 


CONTENTS 


THE  BEGGARS'  CLUB 

A  WORD  TO  NON-MEMBERS 1 

MEETING  THE  FIRST) 

Sam  the  Scribe,  Man  of  Letters — Hungry 
Henry's  Touching  Tale — Five  Fingers  and 
Five  Dollars 11 

MEETING  THE  SECOND 

Letter  the  First— Letter  the  Second— The  Post 
script—The  Fate  of  Those  Who  Witt  Not  Hear  34 

MEETING  THE  THIRD 

Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet  —  A  Beggar's 
Strategy .  59 

MEETING  THE  FOURTH 

California  Cox  and  the  Beggars'  Union  .        .      85 

THE   AUTOBIOGRAPHY   OF   A 
BEGGAR 

I.  I  COMES  INTER  DE  WORLD 

Bein'  de  account  ef  Tww  meh  reserches  in 
Hebrew  brunp  me  ter  de  study  ef  anterpolergy  131 

II.  MEH  START  IN  LIFE 

Start  right  an'  you'll  end  wrong  anyways       .    154 
III.  GETTIN'  ALONG  IN  DE  WORLD 

When  yer  in  Rome  do  de  Romans,  which  dey 
would  do  ef  dey  come  here  ....  167 

ix 


Contents 


IV.  GETTIN'  EVEN  WID  DE  WORLD 

In  which  I  tells  de  secret  ef  how  I  missed 
gettin'  rich,  and  don't  charge  nothin'  fer  it  180 

V.  DE  THEFT  EF  DE  PERSEAN  CAT 

Beiri  de  account  ef  why  it  ain't  no  more  wrong 

ter  steal  animuls  den  ter  steal  anything  else    .     185 

VI.  IN  WHICH  LIFE  is  LIFE 

Tellin'  why  de  older  we  gits  de  more  trouble  we 
leaves  behint  us  an'  de  more  worry  we  puts  in 

front  ef  us 206 

VII.  DE  WORLD  TRIES  TER  GIT  EVEN 

Provin'  dat  every  time  de  world  turns  'round 
some  must  git  on  top  an'  some  must  fall  under    217 
VIII.  LIFE  GITS  LIVELY 

In  which  yer  kin  see  fer  yerself  dat  human 
natcher  in  de  countree  is  de  same  ez  human 
natcher  in  de  city ;  a  hundred  cents  makin' 
one  dollar  everywheres  .  .  .  224 

IX.  A  DARK  LADY  CROSSES  MEH  PATH 

Bein'  de  story  ef  how  I  went  inter  de  circus 
bizness  an'  why  I  give  it  up  ter  try  an'  earn 
a  honest  limn'  ......    236 

X.  WIMENS  PERSUE  ME  ONCET  AGIN 

Tellin'  how  a  interruptin'  woman  made  meh  ter 
believe  dat  all  we  knows  'bout  wimens  is  dat 
dey  is  wimens 261 

XI.  A  TALE  EF  A  PIGTAIL 

Bein'  de  account  ef  how  I  went  ter  Chinee  in 
one  night  an'  how  I  come  home  de  next 
mornin';  which  is  quick  *  .  '  .  277 

z 


Contents 


XII.  DE  CHINEE  KID  AN'  DE  HAND-ORGAN 

Which  proves  dat  ef  yer  gits  yer  pay  ter-day 

yer  won't  have  ter  sue  fer  it  ter-morrer  .     294 

XIII.  LAW  AN'  LIES 

Showin'  why   a   lie   is   a   sin  in   court,  ef  de 
lawyer  fer  de  other  side  knows  his  bizness        .     314 

XIV.  I  TAKES  A  TRY  AT  POLERTICS 

In  which  I  says,  "  Now,  dear  reader,  farewell; 

be  good  an'  live  happy  ever  aterwards  "  .    327 


The  Beggars'  Club 


THE   BEGGARS'   CLUB 


A  WORD  TO  NON-MEMBERS 

THE  Beggars'  Club,  as  the  astute  reader 
may  have  guessed  without  the  reading  of  a 
line,  does  not  lay  any  particular  stress  on 
wealth  among  its  conditions  for  member 
ship  ;  but  he  may  not  have  surmised  that  the 
club  was  founded  for  social  purposes  only 
by  men  of  wit,  or,  to  be  more  exact,  by  men 
who  live  by  their  wits;  for  while  the  two 
often  go  together  they  are  more  often  found 
apart. 

The  Beggars'  Club  is  just  what  the  name 
signifies,  a  club  for  those  who  live  to  beg 
and  who  beg  to  live.  To  become  a  member 
of  it  a  millionaire  would  have  to  give  his 
fortune  to  charity  and  then  appeal  to  charity 
to  get  a  modicum  of  his  millions  back. 

In  the  rooms  of  the  club  money  is  an  ob 
jection  until  it  is  spent,  and  he  who  has 
more  than  he  can  spend  is  an  objectionable 
I 


The  Beggars'  Club 


member  by  the  nature  of  the  case.  Here  a 
mean  man  and  a  man  of  means  are  one  and 
the  same  thing.  Here  a  penny  has  a  use  and 
a  value  of  its  own,  besides  that  of  serving  as 
the  part  of  a  dollar  and  an  abstract  unit  of 
the  monetary  table.  The  members  agree 
with  the  rest  of  the  world  that  poverty  is 
no  disgrace,  and  unlike  the  rest  of  the  world 
they  honestly  mean  it,  The  most  worthless 
is  welcomed  here  for  his  intrinsic  worth  and 
not  for  the  extrinsic  qualities  of  his  pocket- 
book. 

If  you  ever  have  given  the  matter  any 
thought  you  will  have  recognized  the  fact 
that  the  trade  of  a  beggar  is  beset  with  more 
difficulties  than  that  of  any  other  on  earth. 
The  beggar  must  ply  his  craft  in  the  most 
inclement  weather ;  in  truth,  if  he  is  to  meet 
with  any  degree  of  success  he  must  toil  in 
the  extremes  of  heat  and  cold,  and  rest  when 
the  days  are  soft  and  balmy.  He  commands 
a  smaller  wage  than  any  other  artisan,  but 
2 


A  Word  to  Non-Members 

be  he  even  on  the  verge  of  starvation,  he  can 
not  strike  for  higher  wages,  since  he  is  his 
own  employer.  It  is  almost  impossible  for 
him  to  form  a  trades  union,  for  the  very 
reason  that  it  is  so  difficult  to  regulate  either 
a  beggar's  wages  or  the  number  of  hours  that 
he  shall  work.  He  is  not  recognized  by  the 
law,  or  when  the  law  does  recognize  him,  it 
claps  the  poor  wretch  into  jail. 

He  must  go  meanly,  generally  insuffi 
ciently  clad,  and  it  is  an  advantage  for  mem 
bers  of  the  guild  to  boast  that  they  are 
underfed.  The  moment  he  dons  good 
clothes  and  openly  acknowledges  that  he 
does  not  suffer  from  hunger,  that  very  sec 
ond  he  must  cease  to  beg. 

A  starving  wife  and  children  are  articles 
that  he  cannot  do  without,  and  they  assist 
him  to  a  telling  degree.  He  must  be  ever 
willing  to  work  and  yet  never  able  to  find 
work ;  and  if  he  drudge  ever  so  hard,  he  must 
deny  that  he  is  working  at  all.  The  absence 
3 


The  Beggars'  Club 


of  one  leg,  even  of  two,  is  a  decided  aid  to 
his  calling;  if  he  be  blind,  his  chances  for 
good  pay  are  still  better ;  if  he  be  deaf,  dumb, 
and  blind,  crippled  and  maimed,  his  chances 
are  of  the  best.  The  more  crippled  he  is,  the 
higher  will  he  be  paid. 

To  be  a  successful  beggar,  then,  one  must 
be  hungry,  be  ill-clad  to  the  point  of  rags; 
one  must  have  a  starving  wife  and  children ; 
one  must  be  ever  willing  to  work,  yet  never 
able  to  find  work,  and  one  must  be  a  cripple. 
There  is  no  royal  road  to  beggary. 

Moreover,  a  beggar  is  loathed  and  shunn 
ed;  he  is  hated  and  persecuted.  He  is  an 
outcast.  He  is  detested  by  honest  people 
because  he  busies  himself  at  his  trade;  he 
is  scorned  by  thieves  because  he  is  humble 
enough  to  do  honest  work.  Individually  they 
gain  the  sympathy  of  the  public,  collectively 
they  have  no  public  sympathy  whatsoever. 
He  may  not  know  it  himself,  but  your  true 
beggar  is  a  paradox. 
4 


A  Word  to  Non-Members 

It  is  scarcely  to  be  wondered  at  if  these 
unfortunate  sons  of  toil  seek  for  some 
amusement  to  forget,  if  for  but  a  moment, 
the  bitterness  of  their  lot  and  to  drown  the 
woes  and  sorrows  of  their  precarious  exist 
ence.  A  beggar  cannot  afford  expensive 
amusement,  and  if  he  find  joy  in  beer  it  is  not 
because  beer  is  the  joy  he  naturally  prefers, 
but  because  it  is  the  only  one  in  which  he  can 
indulge.  He  goes  to  a  "  barrel-house  "  in 
quest  of  his  recreation,  because  there  no  ad 
mission  price  is  charged  and  there  a  larger 
quantity  of  his  special  delight  is  sold  at  a 
cheaper  price  than  elsewhere.  Besides,  in 
more  senses  than  one,  misery  loves  company, 
and  there  misery  finds  the  most  miserable 
company  in  the  world. 

Some  twenty  and  five  beggars  were  wont 
to  meet  by  chance  at  irregular  intervals  in 
McQuinn's  "  barrel-house."  McQuinn  made 
a  generous  offer  to  these  same  select  five  and 
twenty  to  meet  at  regular  intervals  and  by 
5 


The  Beggars'  Club 


design  at  his  hostelry ;  and  these  special  in 
ducements,  which  no  beggar  was  too  rich  to 
disdain,  were  the  origin  of  The  Beggars' 
Club  and  the  corner-stoneof  their  clubhouse. 

It  will  take  but  a  few  words  to  describe 
McQuinn's,  for  the  reason  that  there  is  noth 
ing  to  describe.  The  furniture  consists  of 
a  bar,  a  few  chairs,  and  a  long  table,  ar 
ranged  without  any  particular  attention  to 
artistic  effect,  and  you  may  rest  assured 
that  a  chair  taken  out  of  place  would  not 
mar  the  harmony  of  design.  I  might  add 
that  the  bar  and  the  tables  are  battered 
and  old,  that  the  walls  are  cracked  and 
the  ceiling  crumbled — but  long  descriptions 
tire,  and  I  refrain.  If  the  trite  expression 
be  allowed  me,  I  will  sum  it  up  in  a  line 
and  say  that  The  Beggars'  Club  beggars  de 
scription. 

McQuinn  himself  is  the  sole  striking 
fixture  in  the  place  that  is  in  any  way  pic 
turesque.  His  name  gives  him  a  nationality ; 

a 


A  Word  to  Non-Members 

but  his  face  might  as  well  belong  to  one 
nation  as  to  another.  No  one  people  in  par 
ticular  could  claim  his  countenance ; — it  was 
so  covered  with  scars  and  bruises  and  bumps 
and  cute  that  none  of  his  face  could  be  seen. 
He  points  to  these  scars  with  no  little  pride, 
and  tells  you  that  every  one  of  them  has  a 
history ;  here  as  elsewhere  history  repeats  it 
self  ;  in  that  long  gash  across  his  right  cheek 
history  repeated  itself  several  times  in  rapid 
succession. 

On  club  nights  McQuinn  is  always  behind 
the  bar  to  keep  the  beggars  drinking  and  to 
prevent  them  from  fighting.  He  will  have 
no  penniless  beggar  in  his  place,  but  a  beg 
gar  with  a  penny — how  fine  the  distinction ! 
— is  ever  welcome. 

To  the  stories  they  tell  he  heeds  only  the 
beginning  and  the  end ;  for  they  are  all  sure 
to  begin  with  a  drink  and  to  end  with  the 
same  conclusion.  In  fiction  our  host  prefers 
the  short  story,  and  he  would  caution  all 
7 


The  Beggars'  Club 


authors  against  a  long  and  a  dry  intro 
duction.  He  holds  that  the  best  conclusion 
is  satisfying,  sparkling,  and  full.  I  warn  you 
not  to  dispute  his  literary  theories,  for  he 
is  strong  and  quick  in  argument  and  he  will 
get  the  better  of  you  in  less  than  no  time. 

A  composite  photograph  of  the  club 
might  be  interesting,  and  would  prove,  no 
doubt,  a  valuable  acquision  for  an  orthope 
dist's  collection.  It  would  show  a  man  with 
one  leg  and  a  quarter,  one  arm  and  three- 
quarters,  one  eye  and  a  fraction;  while  his 
body  would  be  as  twisted  as  a  contortion 
ist's,  and  his  face  would  form  a  puzzle  that 
could  be  solved  only  by  taking  it  apart  and 
putting  the  parts  together  in  every  possible 
combination.  The  clothes  of  this  composite 
man  would  be  simply  a  rag  that  had  a  trick 
of  clinging  together. 

The  oddity  of  the  names  justifies  another 
paragraph ;  for  while  there  may  be  nothing 
in  a  name,  there  is  a  heap  in  an  alias;  and 
8 


A  Word  to  Non-Members 

their  aliases  will  help  me  to  make  it  clear 
that  I  am  dealing  with  a  peculiar  people. 
The  recording  secretary,  had  they  one, 
would  have  called  a  roll  something  like  this : 


Cripple  Tom, 
One-arnied  Jake, 
Blind  Bill, 
Crutch  McAllister, 
Hungry  Henry, 
Pete  the  Squealer, 
Foxy  Basket, 
Charlie  the  Conner, 
Two  Twins, 
Sam  the  Scribe, 
Harry  the  Skate. 


Loony  Louis, 
Mollbuzzer, 
Shirtless  Sam, 
Poor  Peter, 
Deaf  Dan, 
Squint  Eye, 
Humble  Hinky, 
Toothless  Tom, 
Corner  Hugger, 
Footless  Frank, 
Lazy  Mike. 


Perhaps  you  would  like  to  attend  one  of 
their  meetings  and  listen  to  a  few  of  the 
stories  by  which  they  drive  dull  care  to 
death  and  warm  the  cockles  of  chill  pen 
ury?  If  you  decide  upon  going  I  can  assure 

9 


The  Beggars'  Club 


you  in  advance  of  a  hearty  welcome  to  their 
humble  board.  There  you  may  find  the 
bread  you  have  cast  upon  the  waters,  and 
there  you  may  be  paid  back  in  your  own 
coin.  I  can  offer  you  no  other  inducements, 
but  if  these  prove  sufficiently  enticing  I 
stand  ready  to  secure  you  an  entree  into 
THE  BEGGARS'  CLUB. 


10 


MEETING  THE   FIRST 

SAM  THE  SCRIBE  was  the  first  to  find  his 
way  into  McQuinn?s  on  Monday  night, 
which,  were  he  not  usually  last,  would  not 
be  a  fact  worthy  of  chronicling.  The  Scribe 
is  not  a  very  good  club  member;  he  is  usu 
ally  surly,  uncommunicative,  and  not  over 
companionable,  but,  then,  being  the  only 
literary  member  of  the  club — the  others, 
without  exception,  being  engaged  in  com 
mercial  pursuits — he  is  allowed  privileges. 

SAM   THE  SCRIBE,   MAN   OF  LETTERS 

Sam  is  a  man  of  letters,  and  if  a  beggar 
ever  hands  you  a  mendicant  epistle — one 
half  sheet  of  note  reeking  with  woe  and 
thumb  marks — you  may  be  sure  that  Sam 
is  the  author.  Were  he  an  ambitious  man, 
with  the  itch  for  fame,  he  would  long  ago 
have  composed  "  The  Beggars'  Handy  Let 
ter-Writer — No  Beggar  Should  be  Without 
One." 

11 


The  Beggars'  Club 


Nevertheless,  Sam's  letters  are  written  in 
accordance  with  a  set  form  rather  than  with 
a  set  price.  For  five  cents  he  will  write  you 
a  letter  setting  forth  the  discomfort  of  being 
lame;  for  ten  cents  he  will  expatiate  upon 
the  misfortune  of  blindness;  for  one  which 
details  both  the  misfortune  of  blindness  and 
the  discomfort  of  lameness  he  demands  fif 
teen  cents.  You  can  see  readily  enough  how 
the  combination  can  be  varied  and  how  he 
avoids  doing  a  strictly  one-priced  business. 

Blind  Bill  was  the  second  to  enter,  and 
on  seeing  the  man  of  letters  a  smile  lit  up 
his  haggard  face. 

"  Y'er  jist  de  man   I'm  ater,"   said  he. 

"  Why?  "  grumbled  Sam. 

"  I  wants  yer  ter  write  meh  a  lame  letter ; 
I'm  tired  of  bein?  blind.  I  wants  a  lame 
one  dis  time." 

"  I  don't  want  to  be  bothered  with  busi 
ness  here.  Can't  a  fellow  find  amusement 
in  his  club?" 

12 


Sam  the  Scribe,  Man  of  Letters 

Bill  insisted;  he  even  offered  an  extra 
nickel  as  a  compensation  for  dragging  busi 
ness  into  the  leisure  hours  of  this  brain- 
worker.  Sam  was  holding  out  for  the  con 
sideration,  and  he  borrowed  a  pen  and  ink 
from  McQuinn  and  started  to  dash  off  an 
essay  on  the  pangs  and  pains  of  being  lame. 

He  had  barely  finished  his  task  when 
Lame  Tom  fairly  ran  into  the  room  and 
shouted : 

"  Glad  y'er  'here.  Yer  de  very  man  I 
wants."  Even  The  Beggars'  Club  can  afford 
a  lion. 

"  Well,  and  what  do  you  want?  " 

"  I  wants  a  blind  letter.  Fm  tired  ef 
bein'  lame/7  responded  Tom. 

Blind  Bill  saw  an  opportunity  to  turn  a 
dishonest  penny. 

"  See  here !  "  he  exclaimed,  "  ef  yer^d  been 

here  a  minute  ago  we  could  have  changed 

our  letters.     But  I'll  tell  yer  what  I'll  do ; 

I'll  sell  yer  men  blind  letter  fer  half  price." 

13 


The  Beggars'  Club 


Sam  protested.  In  his  eyes  this  was 
equal  to  an  infringement  on  copyright ;  but 
the  trade  was  made  before  the  Scribe  had 
found  time  to  finish  the  wording  of  his  pro 
test.  He  changed  his  tactics,  being  a  wily 
man,  and  ceasing  to  appeal  to  Tom's  sense 
of  honor,  appealed  to  his  cupidity. 

"  Tom,"  questioned  he,  "  you  can't  read ; 
how  do  you  know  that  the  letter  is  genuine? 
He  may  be  sticking  you  with  a  petition  for 
work,  for  all  you  know  about  it." 

"  I'll  take  Bill's  word  fer  it,"  answered 
Tom ;  "I  was  wid  him  yesterday  when  he 
sprung  de  letter  on  a  cove  an'  got  a 
dime." 

Sam  was  about  to  resign  himself  to  his 
loss  and  make  the  worst  of  it  when  his 
fertile  mind  hit  upon  still  another  scheme. 

"  Bill,"  said  he,  turning  to  face  the  newly- 
made  lame  man,  "  I  played  a  trick  on  you 
in  the  letter.  I  wrote  that  you  are  a  fraud 
and  a  liar." 

14 


Sam  the  Scribe,  Man  of  Letters 

"  De  truth  never  hurts  no  one,"  retorted 
the  other  philosophically.  "  'Sides,  I'll  run 
meh  chanctes  fer  a  nickel." 

The  Scribe  became  wroth.  "  I'll  get  even 
with  you  fellows,"  he  shouted.  And  he  did 
get  even  with  them;  those  letters  were  ex 
changed  by  stealth  that  same  evening,  and 
I  shall  tell  you  later  on  what  came  out  of 
Sam's  maneuver. 

"  Ef  yer're  going  ter  be  lame,"  argued 
Tom  with  Bill,  not  heeding  the  Scribe's 
anger,  "  yer'll  need  a  wooden  leg,  an'  I'll  sell 
yer  mine  cheap." 

The  cunning  Bill,  who  even  in  his  blind 
ness  had  conserved  an  eye  for  business, 
shook  his  head.  "  Yer  don't  need  no  peg 
ter  be  lame  wid." 

"  Yes,  but  it  goes  better  dat  way,"  cajoled 
Thomas ;  "  people  kind  er  feel  sorry  fer  de 
wooden  leg." 

"  Oh,  I'll  work  it,"  yawned  Bill.  "  'Sides, 
de  Scribe  put  in  a  line  about  meh  gettin'  a 
15 


The  Beggars'  Club 


collection  fer  ter  buy  a  wooden  peg.  I  heard 
him  read  it  aloud  when  he  was  a-writin' 
it." 

"  All  right,"  replied  the  erstwhile  lame 
man,  as  if  totally  unconcerned,  "  I'll  keep 
on  bein'  lame  an7  I'll  work  yer  beat," 

It  was  high  time  for  the  novice  in  "peg 
ging  "  to  become  fearful. 

"  Come  now,"  queried  he,  "  what  will  yer 
take  fer  de  peg?  " 

"  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  sell  it."  And  Tom 
shook  his  head. 

"  Goin'  ter  give  it  ter  a  hospital,  I  s'pose," 
observed  Bill  sarcastically. 

Tom  did  not  see  fit  to  heed  his  friend's 
taunt,  asserting,  "  I  wouldn't  sell  it,  but 
I'll  rent  it;  fer  de  blind  game  mightn't  go, 
an?  den  I  wants  de  leg  back  ag'in.  I'll  let 
yer  have  it  fer  free  cents  a  week;  free 
weeks  an'  one-quarter  payable  in  adwance." 

"  Done !  "  cried  the  other. 

Tom  proceeded  to  unwrap  a  roll  of  dirty 
16 


Sain  the  Scribe,  Man  of  Letters 

paper  and  linen,  and  to  undo  two  straps  that 
held  the  peg  to  the  upper  half  of  his  leg. 

Bill  put  on  his  newly  gained  property, 
and  began  to  hobble  up  and  down  the  room 
with  all  the  pride  of  a  boy  who  mounts 
stilts  for  the  first  time. 

"  Dere's  some  fun  in  dis,"  he  shouted. 

"  You'll  see  more  fun  yet  before  you  get 
through  with  it,"  muttered  the  Scribe,  who 
had  been  sitting  moodily  in  his  corner. 

By  this  time  the  other  members  had  filed 
in  and  taken  their  seats  around  the  table. 

Hungry  Henry  drew  out  a  loaf  of  bread 
and  a  ham  and  started  to  make  sandwiches 
for  the  crowd.  This  was  an  unusual  and  un 
expected  proceeding,  and  the  other  members 
looked  at  him  inquiringly. 

Henry  saw  that  an  explanation  was  re 
quired  and  he  did  not  hesitate  to  give  it.  In 
deed,  the  only  objection  to  Henry  as  a  mem 
ber  of  the  Club  was  his  eagerness  to  talk  and 
his  unwillingness  to  keep  still. 
17 


The  Beggars'  Club 


HUNGRY  HENRY'S  TOUCHING  TALE 

"  Gents,"  began  Henry,  "  yer  needn't  be 
afeerd  ter  eat  dis  bread,  'cause  I  come  by  it 
honestly,  an'  don't  let  yer  appetites  be 
spoiled  fer  fear  dat  yer  robbin'  meh.  I'm 
proud  ter  say  fer  oncet  in  meh  life,  I  had 
enuf  ter  eat.  I  meets  a  cove  terday  an'  I 
springs  de  old  dodge  on  ter  him. 

"  <  Mister,'  says  I,  '  does  yer  mind  helpin' 
a  man  what's  starvin'  ter  de  price  ef  a 
meal? ' 

"  De  cove  smiles  an'  he  says,  like  all  de 
coves  says,  '  Why  don't  yer  work? ' 

" '  Well,'  says  I,  '  I  worked  in  a  rollin' 
mill,  an'  de  mill  shut  down  last  week,  an' 
I  ain't  been  able  fer  ter  find  nothin'  ter  do, 
an'  I  ain't  eat  a  bite  since  den.' 

"  *  Yer  must  be  hungry,'  says  he  wid  a 
grin. 

"  '  Hungry/  says  I,  f  I'm  dyin'  ter  eat.' 

"  '  Well,'  says  he,  '  we'll  see  what  we  kin 
18 


Hungry  Henry's  Touching  Tale 

do ' ;  an7  he  pulls  out  a  handful  of  shiners 
dat  would  make  yer  eyes  water. 

"  He  fishes  out  a  quarter  an'  I  puts  meh 
hand  out.  Den  he  puts  de  quarter  back,  an' 
I  swears  ter  myself.  Den  he  fishes  out  a 
half,  an'  T  puts  out  both  meh  hands.  Den 
he  puts  de  half  back,  an'  I  swears  aloud,  an' 
he  laffs. 

"  '  If  yer  hungry,'  says  he,  <  come  wid  meh 
an'  I'll  get  yer  a  meal ! ' 

"  Gents,  I  was  hungry  in  dead  earnest ; 
but  seein'  de  cove  had  fun  wid  meh  I  fought 
I'd  have  fun  wid  de  cove,  an'  I  hangs  back. 

"  t  Come  on,'  says  he ;  *  I  fought  yer  was 
hungry? ' 

"  '  I  am,'  says  I, '  but  I  don't  like  ter  eat  in 
de  places  where  yer  goes.  Give  meh  de  dime 
an'  let  meh  go  where  I  wants ! ' 

"  <  Not  much,'  says  he ;  '  I  knowed  yer 
was  a-playin'  orff ! ' 

"  Well,  de  cove  takes  meh  ter  a  saloon,  an' 
he  says  ter  de  barkeep,  "  Dis  boy  is  hun- 
19 


The  Beggars'  Club 


gry;  he's  a-starvin'  an'  he  wants  a  big 
san'wich ! ' 

"  He  grins,  an'  de  guy  behin'  de  bar  grins. 
I  was  a-grinnin'  too,  fer  I  didn't  want  de 
guy  ter  think  dat  I  wasn't  on  ter  him.  But 
in  meh  stomick  I  feels  queer  an'  meh  mouth 
waters ;  fer  I  was  hungry  enuf  ter  cry  an'  no 
joke,  an'  youse  fellers  knows  dat  when  I'm 
hungry,  I'm  hungry. 

"  '  Den,'  says  I  ter  de  cove,  unhitchin'  two 
buttons,  '  I  gets  all  I  wants  er  I  don't  eat, 
eh?' 

"  '  Sure  thing,'  says  de  cove. 

"  De  guy  cuts  two  bricks  ef  bread,  an'  he 
puts  a  trowelful  ef  ham  atween.  It  being 
double  size,  de  cove  puts  down  two  dimes, 
an'  de  guy  grins  an'  de  cove  laffs. 

"  De  san'wich  goes  down  quicker  en  de 
two  dimes.  An'  I  says  ter  de  guy,  '  I  wants 
a  san'wich  next  time;  yer  ain't  a-feedin'  a 
mouse  er  a  canary  bird ! ' 

"  An'  fer  half  a  hour  I  keeps  de  guy  a-cut- 
20 


Hungry  Henry's  Touching  Tale 

tin'  an'  de  cove  a-payin',  an'  meh  jus'  begin- 
nin'  ter  feel  dat  food  had  crossed  meh  hun 
gry  lips ! 

"  '  Yer  cost  meh  fifty  cents  already,'  says 
de  cove; '  ain't  yer  ever  goin'  ter  quit?  ' 

"  '  Don't  talk  quit/  says  I ; '  I  ain't  begun ; 
I'm  just  workin'  up  a  appertite.  When  a 
man  ain't  eat  nothin'  fer  a  week  a  man's 
hungry ! ' 

"  '  It  looks  as  ef  yer  ain't  eat  nothin'  fer 
a  year,'  says  de  guy,  his  mouth  open  an'  his 
eyes  out,  ez  ef  I  was  a  freak,  which  I  ain't. 

"  '  It  may  be  a  year,'  puts  in  I,  '  'fore  I 
strikes  dis  snap  ag'in !  I'm  layin'  in  a  ser- 
ply.  Now,  please  don't  bother  meh,  an' 
leave  meh  give  meh  attention  ter  eatin'.' 

"  '  It's  one  dollar,'  pipes  de  cove  when  de 
guy  was  a-layin'  de  foundation  fer  de  sixth ; 
*  ain't  yer  afeard  ef  indigestion?  ' 

"  '  No,'  I  says,  *  I  ain't  had  dat  complaint 
since  de  time  when  I  eat  fer  twro  weeks  wid- 
out  takin'  time  fer  sleep ! ' 
21 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  '  Say,'  says  de  guy,  layin'  down  his  knife 
an'  rubbin'  his  arm,  '  yer  ought  ter  git  some 
one  ter  feed  yer  by  de  hour ! ' 

"  I  gives  him  one  look,  an7  I  says,  '  Ef  I 
did,  I'd  git  some  one  ter  do  de  feedin'  ez 
knows  how  ter  make  a  san'wich;  yer  ain't 
a-cuttin'  fer  a  inwalid." 

"Den  I  takes  de  knife  from  de  guy  an'  I 
makes  a  san'wich  ez  was  a  san'wich. 

"  '  Dat  '11  cost  yer  thirty  cents,'  says  de 
guy  to  de  cove, 

"  De  cove  turns  pale.  '  How  much  'ill  yer 
take  ter  quit? '  axes  he. 

"  <  I'll  calkerlate,'  says  I,  <  an'  I'll  let  yer 
know  in  half  a  hour.' 

" '  Yer  no  lightnin'  calkerlator,'  says  he. 

"  '  No,  not  when  I'm  eatin','  answers  I. 

"  '  I  can't  stay  here  all  de  night,'  says  de 
cove;  <  I  must  catch  a  train.' 

"  '  All  right,'  says  I,  <  I'll  eat  a  bit  quicker.' 

"  '  Yes,  we  close  at  twelve  sharp,'  says  de 


Hungry  Henry's  Touching  Tale 

"  *  It's  only  nine  now/  smiles  I ;  <  Fll  be 
thru  by  dat  time.' 

" '  I'm  glad  ter  hear  dat/  says  de  cove, 
Den  he  says  ter  de  guy :  '  Yer  gives  dis 
feller  two  loaves  ef  bread  an7  a  ham,  an'  let 
him  take  it  home.  An'  de  next  time  I  meets 
yer/  says  he  ter  meh,  '  I'll  give  yer  a  dime 
widout  axin'  ef  yer  hungry.' 

"  <  An'  de  next  time  a  gentleman  axes  yer 
fer  de  price  ef  a  meal,'  says  I,  '  yer  wants 
ter  take  his  word  fer  it,  an'  not  believe  dat 
he's  a  liar  'cause  he's  poor ! ' 

"  I  takes  meh  ham  an'  bread  an'  I  walks 
away,  an'  de  cove  calls  out  an'  he  says: 

" '  I  wants  yer  name ;  I  wants  ter  know 
yer  when  we  meets  ag'in.' 

"  '  Hungry  Henry,'  answers  I. 

" '  Yer  name  must  have  been  born  wid 
yer,'  says  he." 

Before  the  laughter  aroused  by  Hungry 
Henry's  story  had  died  away,  Blind  Bill 
arose  to  his  feet  and,  as  if  moved  by  an  over- 
23 


The  Beggars'  Club 


whelming  impulse  of  generosity,  shouted, 
"Gents,  I'll  treat!" 

Bill's  liberality  was  greeted  with  a  wide 
spread  look  of  disappointment,  for  the  re 
stricting  clause,  "  That  is,  if  McQuinn  will 
trust  me/7  usually  followed  his  unselfish 
offer.  Now  McQuinn  never  trusted  any 
body,  and  Bill's  munificence  passed  current 
for  the  homage  which  stinginess  pays  to 
generosity.  This  time,  however,  the  unex 
pected  happened.  Bill  held  a  yellow  coin 
to  the  light. 

"  Dis  is  de  real  article,"  began  he,  "  an'  it 
breaks  meh  heart  ter  break  it.  It's  de  first 
dat  I  ever  had  in  meh  life.  I  would  like  ter 
keep  it  fer  a  pocket  piece.  Gents,"  spoke  he 
solemnly  as  a  campaign  orator,  "  dere  is  ez 
much  here  ez  in  five  silver  dollars  er  in  five 
hundred  cents." 

"  My,"  whispered  Charlie  the  Conner, 
"  he's  eddicated." 

Blind  Bill  continued  :  "  It  takes  de  Gov- 
24 


Hungry  Henry's  Touching  Tale 

ermint  ter  squeeze  five  hundred  cents  in  dis 
small  coin,  an'  der  ain't  no  one  else  dat  kin 
do  de  trick." 

"  Dat's  right/'  shouted  Pete  the  Squealer. 
"  I  got  pinched  fer  tryin'  it" 

Heedless  of  the  laughter  which  followed 
Pete's  observation,  Bill  went  on: 

"  But  dat  ain't  here,  an'  it  ain't  dere ;  de 
Govermint  had  nothin'  ter  say ;  I  earned  it. 
I'll  tell  yer  how  it  was  guv  ter  meh,  an'  den 
I'll  let  yer  judge  fer  yerselves  whether  I 
earned  it  er  not." 

"  Yer  earned  it !  Yer  earned  it ! "  ex 
claimed  Humble  Hinky  jeeringly,  desirous 
of  cutting  a  long  story  short  and  getting  at 
the  gist  of  the  matter,  which  was  the  treat. 

Bill  looked  at  his  interrupter  scornfully. 
"  I  didn't  earn  it  dat  quick,"  retorted  he ; 
"  I  had  ter  work  fer  it,"  And  he  was  about 
to  give  an  account  of  his  adventure  when 
Humble  Hinky  interrupted  with,  "  An'  now 
yer  wants  ter  make  us  work  fer  it." 
25 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  It  '11  give  yer  a  thirst,  fer  de  story  Is 
dry,"  and  straightway  Bill  began  the  tale  of 

FIVE  FINGERS  AND   FIVE  DOLLARS 

"  I  goes  inter  a  man's  store  ter  day,  an'  I 
tells  him  how  I  lost  meh  eyesight  from  sick 
ness. 

"  '  Den  yer  can't  see? '  axes  de  man. 

" '  I  wouldn't  be  blind  ef  I  could  see,' 
answers  I. 

"  '  Can't  yer  see  at  all? '  he  axes,  lookin' 
at  meh  right  sharp. 

"  '  Excuse  meh,'  answers  I,  '  but  yer  'pin 
ion  ef  blindness  is  peculiar.' 

"  '  It  is  sometimes,'  he  grins,  an'  de  clerks 
stop  workin'  an  grins,  too.  '  I  don't  believe 
yer  blind,'  he  goes  on, '  an'  I'm  goin'  ter  put 
yer  to  de  test!' 

"  '  I'm  perfectly  willin','  replies  I.  But 
I  feels  skeered,  fer  he  was  a  smart-lookin' 
feller,  an'  dis  test  business  is  ticklish  some 
times. 

26 


Five  Fingers  and  Five  Dollars 

"  De  first  thing  he  done  was  ter  throw  a 
quarter  on  his  desk.  '  Guess  what  dat  is,' 
snaps  he,  '  an'  yer  kin  have  it.' 

"  '  It's  a  quarter,7  snaps  I,  an'  I  puts  out 
meh  hand  ter  grab  it. 

" i  Don't  be  too  quick,  meh  blind  friend/ 
says  he,  puttin'  his  hand  over  de  coin ;  '  ef 
yer  was  blind,  how  could  yer  tell  dat  de 
piece  ef  money  was  a  quarter? ' 

"  I  was  almost  caught  dat  time.  I  had  no 
bizness  ter  call  de  turn,  but  de  sight  ef  de 
quarter  made  meh  greedy;  but  I  t'inks 
quick  an'  I  answers,  "  De  hearin'  ef  de 
blind  is  'cute;  I  kin  tell  any  coin  by  de  ring.' 

"  *  Yer  must  have  been  a  payin'-teller  in 
a  bank  ter  know  money  so  well,'  says  he. 
But  he  gives  meh  de  quarter. 

"  I  starts  ter  go  out  in  a  hurry  wid  meh 
quarter,  de  clerks  all  laffin',  when  he  calls 
meh  back. 

"  '  I'll  give  yer  de  chance  ter  earn  anuder 
quarter,'  says  he. 

27 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  '  I'm  willin','  says  I. 

" t  Ef  yer  guesses  how  many  fingers  I 
holds  up,  I'll  give  yer  a  quarter/  says  he. 

"  '  Ef  I  guesses  it,'  pipes  I,  'yer'll  tell  meh 
I  ain't  blind,  an'  den  yer  won't  give  it  ter 
meh.  Ef  I  don't  guess  what  it  is,  den  yer 
surely  won't  give  it  ter  meh.  Dat  bet  ain't 
fair!' 

"  '  Ef  I  ever  kin  use  a  blind  clerk,'  says  he, 
*  I'll  give  yer  de  job.  But  I'll  tell  yer  what 
I'll  do :  ef  yer  guesses  right,  I'll  give  yer  de 
quarter;  ef  yer  guesses  wrong,  I'll  give  yer 
a  dime.  Is  dat  fair? ' 

"  '  No,'  replies  I.  '  I'm  blind  an'  yer  might 
cheat  meh,  an'  how  would  I  know? ' 

"  <  I'll  be  de  judge,'  says  one  ef  de  clerks, 
an'  I  could  see  from  de  look  on  his  face  dat 
he  wanted  de  boss  beat,  so  I  says, '  I'm  will- 
in'.' 

"  <  Come,  how  many  fingers  is  it? '  axes 
he,  holdin'  up  four. 

"  '  Tree,'  says  I. 

28 


Five  Fingers  and  Five  Dollars 

" '  Yer  wrong/  says  he  an'  de  clerk. 

" '  But  I  gets  meh  dime/  shouts  I. 

" '  Dat  game  ain't  fair/  says  de  man ;  '  I 
loses  either  way.  I'll  tell  yer  what  I'll  do : 
I'll  bet  yer  seventy  cents  ag'in  yer  t'irty- 
five  cents  dat  yer  can't  call  de  turn  next 
time ! ' 

"  <  Give  yer  coin  to  de  clerk  first/  says  I, 
givin'  him  mine. 

"  He  holds  up  four  fingers  an'  I  bawls  out 
i  Four ! '  an'  de  clerk  give  meh  de  coin  in  a 
hurry. 

"  Hold  on/  cries  de  man  ter  de  clerk ; '  dat 
feller  is  a-cheatin'  meh ! ' 

" '  A  blind  man  might  guess  right/  says 
I,  a-goin'  out. 

"  He  pulls  meh  back  by  de  coat  an'  shouts, 
'  We'll  have  one  more  bet,  anywrays ! ' 

"  I  agrees  ter  dat  'cause  I  couldn't  help 
mehself. 

" '  Now/  says  he,  i  I'll  bet  yer  two  dol 
lars  ag'in'  yer  one  dollar  an'  five  cents  dat 
29 


The  Beggars'  Club 


yer  don't  guess  right  dis  time/  An'  he  puts 
de  two  dollars  in  de  clerk's  hand,  an'  I  puts 
in  meh  one  dollar  an'  five  cents,  feelin'  sorry 
dat  I  didn't  have  sense  enuf  ter  quit. 

"  '  Now/  axes  he,  holdin'  up  his  five  fin 
gers,  '  how  many? ' 

" '  Five/  shouts  I,  bein'  willin'  ter  lose 
meh  reputation  fer  honesty  rather  den  meh 
dollar  an'  five.  De  clerk  was  a-goin'  ter  drop 
de  free  dollars  in  meh  hand  when  de  boss 
snaps  his  fingers  an'  bawls  out: 

" l  Hold  on ;  don't  be  so  quick.'  An'  he 
says  ter  meh: 

"  '  How  could  I  hold  up  five  fingers  when 
I've  only  got  four,  meh  thumb  bein'  gone? ' 

"  '  No,  sir/  says  I ;  <  a  man  what  had  his 
thumb  cut  orff  can't  snap  his  fingers ! ' 

"  '  An'  de  clerk  drops  his  money  in  meh 
hand  an'  de  man  says: 

" '  Yer  hearin'  is  very  'cute.'  Den  he 
t'inks  a  minute  an'  says: 

"  '  I'll  bet  two  dollars  ag'in'  yer  free  dat 


Five  Fingers  and  Five  Dollars 

yer  don't  guess  it  dis  time !  An',  Mr.  Clerk, 
yer  needn't  be  in  sick  a  hurry  ter  get  rid  ef 
meh  money ! ' 

"  Den  he  holds  up  one  finger.  '  One,'  hol 
lers  I  afore  he  has  de  chanct  ter  haul  it  down 
an'  hold  up  two.  An'  de  clerk  hands  meh 
de  coin. 

"  '  Yer  seen  it,'  says  ha 

"  '  I  didn't,'  says  I. 

"  '  Den  how  did  yer  guess  it?  '  axes  he. 

" '  It's  de  most  natcheral  thing  in  de 
world,'  says  I,  *  fer  a  man  ter  go  back  ter  one 
finger  after  him  bavin'  up  five.' 

"  '  Well,'  says  he,  <  I'll  give  ye  de  five  dol 
lars  an'  let  yer  go !  An'  some  dark  night  I'm 
comin'  around  ter  borrow  dose  blind  eyes 
ef  yourn ! '  " 

And  Bill  drew  his  story  to  a  close,  tossing 
the  five-dollar  gold  piece  to  McQuinn  with 
the  carelessness  of  a  man  who  is  used  to 
handling  gold  as  if  it  were  so  much  dross. 
McQuinn  examined  it  with  the  care  of  a  man 
31 


The  Beggars'  Club 


who  is  used  to  having  dross  foisted  on  him 
for  so  much  gold. 

"  Look-a-here,"  he  roared,  marching  up  to 
Bill,  "  dat  ain't  nothin'  but  a  gilded  quarter. 
What  does  yer  mean  by  tryin'  ter  shove 
queer?  "  And  without  delay  he  threw  Bill 
from  the  clubroom  into  the  street. 

Throughout  the  evening  one  member,  evi 
dently  a  stranger,  for  none  of  the  members 
could  claim  his  acquaintance,  sat  stupidly 
in  a  corner,  never  smiling,  never  changing 
the  expression  on  his  face. 

Crutch  McAllister,  who  had  been  eying 
him  closely  all  evening,  was  irritated  be 
yond  endurance  by  the  stranger's  stolid  in 
difference. 

When  Blind  Bill's  gold  proved  spurious 
and  the  stranger  in  the  gates  failed  to  see 
the  humor  of  the  situation,  Crutch  McAllis 
ter  could  control  himself  no  longer  and  he 
turned  and  smote  the  melancholy  guest  with 
all  his  might  and  main. 
32 


Five  Fingers  and  Five  Dollars 

"  Yer  can't  palm  dat  deaf  an'  dumb  racket 
orff  on  ter  us.  It  don't  go  here/'  he  jelled. 

"  Dat's  right,  Crutch,  make  him  speak. 
Make  him ! "  and  they  all  pounced  on  the 
silent  guest. 

"  Let  him  alone,"  yelled  McQuinn,  pull 
ing  the  others  off,  "  let  him  alone.  Dat  fel 
ler  is  all  right;  I  knows  him.  He  can't 
speak  an'  he  can't  hear.'' 

"  I'm  sorry  dat  I  hit  him,  den,"  apologized 
Crutch,  "  but  de  guy  had  de  right  ter  hol 
ler  an'  tell  meh  dat  he  was  deaf  an'  dumb  in 
de  first  place !  " 


MEETING  THE  SECOND 

AT  the  first  meeting  we  attended,  Sam  the 
Scribe,  if  you  remember,  exchanged  the  men 
dicant  letters  of  Blind  Bill  and  Lame  Tom. 
I  promised  to  tell  you  the  result  of  that  ma 
neuver,  and  here  it  is. 

LETTER  THE  FIRST 

Bill  had  practiced  "  pegging "  until  he 
deemed  himself  master  of  the  theory  of  the 
art  and  able  to  put  his  theory  into  practice. 
You  may  think  that  it  is  the  easiest  thing  in 
the  world  to  play  lame,  and  so  it  is  if  you 
have  not  been  unfitted  for  it  by  playing  blind 
too  long.  Bill  found  himself  on  the  point  of 
saying  constantly,  "  Mister,  can't  yer  help 
a  man  dat  had  his  eye  blinded  by  sickness 
ter  buyin'  a  lame  leg?  "  or,  "  Mister,  can't 
yer  help  a  blind  man  dat  had  his  leg  blowed 
orff  by  sickness  ter  buyin'  a  wooden  eye?  " 

This  sudden  change  of  occupation  con 
fused  his  mind  and  totally  unfitted  him  for 
34 


Letter  the  First 


active  business.  He  became  fearful,  since  he 
was  no  longer  able  to  support  himself,  lest  he 
become  an  article  of  common  charity.  To  a 
man  who  has  earned  a  livelihood  for  so  long 
a  time  this  is  humiliating  in  the  extreme, 
and  poor  Bill  was  about  to  give  way  to  de 
spair  when  it  suddenly  dawned  upon  his  in 
tellect  that  the  best  thing  to  say  was  nothing 
at  all.  The  letter  he  had  purchased  from 
Lame  Tom  told  the  whole  story ;  what  need 
was  there  for  comment  or  footnotes  on  his 
part? 

He  resolved  to  be  timid  no  longer,  but  to 
rely  on  the  letter  and  to  have  faith  in  the 
spirit. 

He  remembered  that  One-armed  Jake  had 
told  him  that  a  certain  "  gent "  who  kept  a 
grocery  store  never  refused  assistance  to  the 
needy.  In  the  words  of  Jake,  "  De  gent  is  a 
soft  mark;  yer  tells  yer  story  an'  yer  gits 
yer  coin.  He  ain't  de  kind  what  gives  yer 
words  ef  comfort  an'  den  tells  yer  he'll  give 
35 


The  Beggars'  Club 


yer  case  to  de  Aid  Sassiety  ter  inwestigate ; 
er  tells  yer  yer  a  fraud,  er  axes  yer  ef 
yer  can't  git  work  wid  yer  feet.  Nop,  yer 
tells  yer  story  an'  yer  gits  yer  coin." 

So  Blind  Bill  betook  him  to  the  grocer 
with  the  soft  heart;  if  successful  there,  he 
would  venture  into  unknown  fields  anon. 

"  Seem'  es  yer  is  sich  a  kind-lookin'  gent," 
said  Bill,  as  he  hobbled  up  to  the  dealer  in 
provisions,  "  I  takes  de  liberty  ef  showin' 
yer  dis,  knowin'  it  would  touch  yer  heart." 

The  "  kind-looking  gent "  put  on  his 
glasses  and  read  the  letter.  Here  is  what  he 
read: 

"  To  whom  it  May  Concern :  The  bearer  of 
this  note  is  blind.  He  had  his  eyes  blown 
out  in  a  boiler  explosion.  Before  that  he 
was  a  machinist  and  earning  the  comfort 
able  sufficiency  of  twelve  dollars  a  week,  on 
which  he  kept  his  wife  and  family  respect 
able.  Noiv  he  can  find  nothing  to  do  and 
36 


Letter  the  First 


starvation  stares  him  in  the  face.  Can  you 
help  him?  He  will  bless  you,  so  will  his 
wife  and  his  family" 

There  was  a  twinkle  in  the  reader's  eye 
and  a  smile  lurked  about  the  corners  of  his 
mouth.  Bill  was  not  slow  to  see  the  smile 
ami  the  twinkle,  and  fearing  something  was 
wrong  he  lost  his  presence  of  mind,  and  felt 
with  horror  that  his  thoughts  were  rushing 
into  a  jumble. 

"  How  long  have  you  been  this  way? " 
queried  the  shopkeeper,  feigning  pity. 

"  Since  last  Monday,"  replied  the  beggar. 
When  the  words  slipped  out  of  his  mouth  he 
felt  his  heart  jump  into  it.  He  knew  that 
he  had  answered  incorrectly. 

"  Came  on  you  rather  sudden,  didn't  it?  " 

"  No ;  I  was  born  dat  way."  From  mere 
force  of  habit  Bill  referred  to  his  blindness. 

"  Born  what  way?  "  questioned  the  other 
sharply. 

37 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Born  lame ! "  shouted  Bill,  rejoicing  that 
the  right  answer  had  come  at  last. 

"  That's  too  bad/7  said  the  grocer,  assum 
ing  sorrow. 

"  It's  awful,"  whined  Bill. 

"  Can't  you  do  anything  for  it?  " 

"  Do  anything  f  er  it !  I  tried  everything, 
but  when  de  eye  is  gone,"  answered  Bill,  re 
assured  by  the  other's  consoling  tone,  "  dere 
ain't  no  good  in  medicine,  an'  glasses  don't 
help  none." 

"  Did  you  apply  the  glasses  to  your  leg?  " 

"  Eh?  "  grunted  Bill,  surmising  that  some 
thing  was  amiss,  and  not  knowing  just 
what. 

"  What  I  want  to  know  is,  are  you  lame 
or  are  you  blind?  " 

For  the  moment  the  unfortunate  beggar 
knew  not  himself  whether  he  was  crippled 
or  sightless,  and  not  daring  to  answer  any 
thing,,  he  asked : 

"Don't  de  letter  say?" 
38 


Letter  the  First 


"  Don't  you  know  yourself,  without  the 
letter?  "  thundered  the  grocer. 

"  Yes,  I  knows,  but  yer  sees  de  letter  tells 
jist  how  de  trouble  wid — wid  niehself — 
well,  it  tells  de  date  an'  all." 

It  flashed  over  the  mendicant's  mind  that 
someone  had  played  treacherous  tricks  with 
the  letter;  his  mind 'became  more  confused 
than  ever. 

"  Never  mind  the  date ;  I  want  to  know 
what  the  trouble  is  before  I  assist  you. 
Are  you  lame  or  are  you  blind?  " 

Bill  looked  at  the  crutch,  and  he  looked  at 
the  letter,  and  he  looked  at  the  grocer's  face ; 
but  neither  crutch  nor  letter  nor  face  helped 
him  out  of  his  quandary.  He  fell  back  upon 
the  truth  as  the  last  resource.  "  I  used  ter 
be  blind,"  said  he,  all  simply. 

"  Oh,  you  used  to  be  blind,  but  you  ain't 
any  more?  " 

"  Yes,  dat's  it,"  cried  Bill,  rejoiced  to  find 
his  difficulty  solved. 

39 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Well,  if  you  were  blind  and  you're  not 
blind  any  more,  why  do  you  come  to  me  for 
assistance?  " 

"  'Cause  I'm  lame,"  ventured  Bill. 

"  Why  are  you  lame?  "  roared  the  man  of 
sugar  and  spices,  trying  his  browbeating 
tactics  again. 

"  'Cause  de  letter  says  so/'  pleaded  Bill, 
nonplused  beyond  the  hope  of  redemption. 

"  But  the  letter  don't  say  so !  " 

"  Be  yer  sure?  " 

"  Certainly  Fm  sure," 

"  Would  yer  mind  readin'  meh  de  letter?  " 
he  blubbered,  his  faint  heart  sinking  to  the 
bottom  of  his  wooden  peg. 

"  Why,  can't  you  read  it  yourself?  "  The 
voice  of  the  inquisitor  became  cajoling 
again. 

"  Sure,  sure,"  replied  Bill  boldly ;  "  sure 
I  kin  read  it." 

"  But  how  can  you  read  it  if  you  are 
blind?" 

40 


"  But  bow  kin  I  read  de  letter  ef 
Pm  blind?" 


Letter  the  First 


"Dat'sso;howkinl?" 

"  That's  what  I  want  to  know,  how  can 
you?" 

"  Well,"  put  in  Bill,  as  if  anxious  to  help 
the  grocer  out  of  his  dilemma,  "  be  yer 
sure  dat  de  letter  says  dat?  " 

"Says  what?" 

"  Say's  dat  I  can't  read  'cause  I'm  lame," 
ventured  Bill. 

"  No,  no ;  it  don't  say  that." 

"  Don't  it?  Well,  I  knowed  it  didn't," 

"  Now,''  said  the  grocer,  veering  his  tac 
tics,  "  I'll  give  you  a  dime  if  you  read  the 
letter." 

So  he  was  to  be  remunerated!  Well,  he 
hadn't  played  his  part  so  badly,  after  all! 
Bill's  heart  grew  big  with  hope. 

"  But  how  kin  I  read  de  letter  ef  I'm 
blind?"  queried  he  with  erstwhile  slyness. 

"  But  you're  not  blind ;  you're  lame !  "  bel 
lowed  the  grocer. 

"  I  ain't  lame;  I'm  blind,"  insisted  Bill. 
41 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Then  why  do  you  go  about  on  a  wooden 
leg?  " 

"  'Cause  I'm  blind,"  whimpered  Bill,  his 
thoughts  turned  topsy-turvy  by  the  cross- 
questioning.  He  hobbled  toward  the  door  as 
fast  as  one  wooden  leg  and  one  flesh-and- 
blood  leg  would  carry  him. 

The  grocer  stopped  the  beggar,  handing 
him  a  coin. 

Bill  slipped  the  money  into  his  pocket, 
wondering  if  it  were  a  reward  for  his  lame 
ness  or  his  blindness ;  but  so  long  as  he  had 
been  successful  at  one  of  them  it  mattered 
not  which.  He  had  his  hand  on  the  door 
when  the  grocer  said : 

"  What  I  want  to  know  is " 

"Ain't  yer  got  yer  money's  worth?"  in 
terrupted  Bill. 

He  took  the  hint,  and  with  the  extra  ques 
tion  slipped  in  an  extra  coin. 

"  I  want  to  know  who  wrote  that  let 
ter?  » 

42 


Letter  the  First 


Fearing  another  trap,  Bill  tried  to  dodge 
with,  "  What  does  yer  want  to  know  fer?  " 

"  Because  I  don't  believe  you  have  any 
knowledge  of  its  contents." 

"  Yes,  I  has "    Here  Bill  stopped,  not 

wishing  to  step  into  the  winding  labyrinth 
from  which  he  had  just  extricated  himself 
with  such  great  difficulty.  "  I  wish  yer'd  be 
dat  kind."  The  beggar  was  solicitous  about 
the  wording  of  the  brief. 

The  grocer,  as  if  reading  the  letter,  re 
peated  : 

"  To  Whom  it  May  Concern :  The  bearer 
of  this  letter  pretends  to  be  blind,  but  he  can 
see  as  well  as  you.  He  pretends  to  be  lame, 
but  he  can  walk  perfectly  when  he  unhitches 
the  peg  which  encumbers  his  good  leg.  He 
is  known  as  the  greatest  liar  and  fraud  in 
the  State.  Don't  give  him  anything." 

When  the  last  word  was  out  Bill  burst 
forth  into  a  volley  of  oaths,  and  he  stamped 
on  the  ground  with  his  wooden  leg  in  wrath. 
43 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Sam  de  Scribe  done  dat.  Oh !  oh !  I'll 
get  even  wid  him.  A  nice  trick  ter  play  on 
his  best  customer !  " 

The  lame  man  left  the  shop  in  a  blind 
rage. 

LETTER    THE    SECOND 

It  was  Bill's  intention  to  make  directly  for 
McQuinn's  and  read  the  law  to  Sam ;  but  the 
worst  intentions  are  sometimes  thwarted  as 
well  as  the  best.  He  had  barely  turned  the 
corner  when  he  met  Lame  Tom ;  and  then  for 
the  first  time  it  dawned  upon  him  that  Tom 
might  have  had  a  finger  in  this  pie.  The 
more  he  considered  it  the  more  plausible  did 
it  seem.  He  would  punish  his  enemies  one 
by  one.  The  grocer  was  just  in  the  humor  for 
receiving  other  applicants  for  charity.  He 
would  send  Tom,  the  unsuspecting,  to  him. 

"An'  how  goes  de  blind  game?"  asked 
Tom. 

"  Don't  go."     Bill  shook  his  head. 

"  Why?  " 

44 


Letter  the  Second 


"  I  only  makes  a  half  ter-day !  " 

"  A  half  de  first  day  an'  yer  ain't  satisfied. 
What  does  yer  want  ?  Maybe  yer'd  like  ter 
run  de  mint?  " 

"  Well,  de  first  guy  gives  meh  a  half,  but 
de  others  turns  meh  down." 

Tom  became  excited.  "  Where  did  yer  find 
dat  mark?" 

"  I'd  tell  yer,  but  yer'd  go  an'  spoil  it  fer 
meh." 

"  Yer  knows  meh  better  'an  dat ;  why 
would  I  spoil  it?  " 

Bill  refused  to  divulge  his  golden  goose, 
and  Tom  grew  wroth. 

"  All  right ! "  exclaimed  he ;  "  I'll  get  even ; 
yer  wait.  Who  told  yer,  anyways,  'bout 
half  de  marks  yer  knows?  " 

"  Well,"  spake  Bill,  as  if  reluctantly,  "  it 
was  dat  grocer  aroun'  de  corner." 

Tom  started  to  go,  but  Bill  detained  him. 
"  Yer  ain't  a-goin'  dere  right  now  an'  spoil 
it  all  fer  me,  be  yer?  " 
45 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Sure ;  I  berlieves  in  catchin'  a  man  when 
he's  in  de  givin'  humor.  Dat  never  lasts 
long." 

Tom  entered  the  shop  just  as  the  grocer 
had  finished  relating  to  a  friend  the  humor 
ous  incident  of  the  lame  beggar  with  the 
blind  letter. 

"  They  must  have  marked  my  door  with 
blue  chalk,"  he  whispered  to  his  friend  on 
Tom's  advent.  Tom  had  none  of  Bill's 
qualms  or  misgivings  or  timidness,  and  he 
approached  his  subject  boldly,  but  po 
litely. 

"  I  begs  pardon  f  er  disturbin'  yer ;  but  I'm 
blind  an'  I  ain't  got  no  place  ter  sleep,  an'  I 
fought  as  maybe  yer'd  help  a  feller  out." 

The  grocer,  winking  to  his  friend,  said 
sharply,  "  I  don't  believe  you're  blind." 

This  was  a  setback  to  Tom,  who  had  ex 
pected  that  "  the  mark  "  would  give  without 
the  asking  of  annoying  questions. 

"  I  wish  dat  yer  believin'  would  make  it 
46 


Letter  the  Second 


so,"  he  retorted,  "  but  I  kin  prove  it  dat  I'm 
blind,"  and  he  handed  him  the  testimonial, 
which  read : 

"  A  year  ago  the  bearer  of  this  testimonial 
was  unfortunate  enough  to  have  both  of  his 
legs  cut  off  by  the  cars.  Since  then  he  has 
been  obliged  to  beg  for  a  living.  Before  he 
had  his  legs  cut  off  he  teas  a  cabinet-maker 
earning  a  profuse  living.  Now  his  family 
is  reduced  to  starvation.  Please  help  him." 

The  grocer  handed  the  communication  to 
his  friend,  saying,  "  Read  that  aloud."  His 
instructions  were  obeyed  to  the  letter. 

Tom's  hopes  for  receiving  a  half-dollar 
fell  quicker  than  the  man  read.-  No  one, 
however,  could  have  told  it  from  the  expres 
sion  on  his  face,  nor,  unlike  Bill,  did  he  lose 
his  presence  of  mind. 

"  That  proves  that  you're  a  fraud  and  a 
cheat,  and  I'm  going  to  have  you  arrested,'' 
shouted  the  man  of  sugar  and  spices, 
47 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  That's  right,"  echoed  his  friend  warmly. 

"  It  don't  prove  no  sich  thing,"  disputed 
Tom  hotly.  "It  proves  dat  I'm  blind,  an' 
dat  letter  was  changed  on  meh ;  ef  I  wasn't 
blind,  would  I  be  goin'  round  wid  a  fool  let 
ter  like  dat?  " 

"  Your  argument  merely  proves  that  you 
can't  read,"  thundered  the  grocer. 

"  But  I  kin  read." 

"  Then  you're  not  blind,"  flashed  his  ad 
versary. 

Tom  cursed  himself  inwardly  for  walking 
into  a  trap  with  both  eyes  open.  He  made 
one  supreme  effort  to  extricate  himself. 

"  I  mean,"  he  subjoined  quietly,  "  as  I 
could  read  afore  I  was  taken  blind,  an'  it's 
de  most  natcheral  thing  in  de  world  fer  a 
man  ter  say  dat  he  kin  allus  read  ef  he  could 
read  oncet." 

"  That's  true  enough,  but  Sam  the  Scribe 
was  in  here  a  moment  or  two  ago,  and  he 
told  me  that  he  wrote  the  letter  for  you  and 
48 


Letter  the  Second 


that  you're  no  more  blind  than  a  cat  at 
night" 

Figuratively  speaking,  Tom  scratched  his 
head.  He  remembered  that  Sam  had  threat 
ened  vengeance,  and  when  the  Scribe 
thirsted  for  vengeance  it  was  hard  to  find 
whisky  sufficient  to  quench  his  thirst. 

The  grocer  was  not  slow  to  see  his  advan 
tage,  and  he  cried  exultingly,  "  Besides  that, 
you  said  that  you  were  born  blind." 

"  So  you  did,"  came  from  the  mendacious 
echo. 

"  So  I  did,"  re-echoed  Tom,  fearful  of  los 
ing  anything,  and  hoping  that  one  word 
might  do  quite  as  well  as  another. 

"  Well,  if  you  were  born  blind,  how  in  the 
world  could  you  have  ever  read?" 

It  is  a  poor  beggar  who  cannot  have  an  in 
spiration.  "  If  youse  fellers  gives  meh  half 
a  dollar  I'll  explain  de  whole  thing  ter  yer; 
but  I  ain't  a-goin'  on  a-talkin'  fer  nothinV 

The  grocer  and  his  friend  assented  to  the 
49 


The  Beggars'  Club 


proposition.  "  But  remember,"  said  they, 
"  if  you  don't  explain  it  to  our  satisfaction 
we  get  our  money  back." 

"  Sure,"  agreed  Tom.  "  But  I  kin  explain 
anything.  First,  I  said  I  was  blind — dat's 
right,  ain't  it?" 

"  Correct,"  came  from  the  two  in  a  chorus. 

"  Den  I  said  ez  I  could  read,  an'  yer  axed 
men  how,  bein'  blind,  I  could  read?  " 

His  opponents  raised  no  objection. 

"  Den  I  said  ez  I  could  read  afore  I  was 
blind,  an'  ez  it  was  natcheral  fer  meh  ter  say 
ez  I  could  read  allus,  seein'  ez  I  could  read 
oncet," 

The  summing-up  of  his  argument  met 
with  no  rebuff. 

"  Den  I  says  I  was  born  blind,  an'  yer 
axed  meh  how  bein'  born  blind  I  could  ever 
read  at  all.  Eh?" 

"  That's  correct,"  assented  the  other  side, 
wondering  if  there  was  any  escape  between 
the  two  horns  of  the  dilemma. 
50 


The  Postscript 


"  Well,  I  was  born  blind.  Den  I  got  ineh 
sight  agin.  Den  I  learned  ter  read.  Den  I 
lost  ineh  sight  by  readin'  too  much  by  nights 
an'  I  been  blind  ever  since.  Dat  covers  all 
de  points,  eh?  " 

"  You've  earned  your  money,"  laughed  the 
grocer;  "  take  it  and  go." 

"  Some  people  ain't  so  smart  as  dey  tinks, 
an'  youse  fellers  don't  want  ter  judge  a  man 
by  de  clothes  he  wears,"  shouted  Tom. 

THE  POSTSCRIPT 

Tom  left  the  shop  with  a  feeling  mingled 
of  joy  at  his  victory  and  anger  against  Bill 
for  having  placed  his  life  and  reputation  in 
jeopardy ;  but  his  anger  against  Bill  was  as 
nothing  when  weighed  in  the  balance  with 
his  hatred  for  the  Scribe.  He  would  wither 
the  one  with  his  scorn;  he  would  smite  the 
other  with  his  fist. 

Lame  Tom  met  Blind  Bill  before  either 
51 


The  Beggars7  Club 


his  wrath  or  his  scorn  had  had  time  to  lose 
a  degree  of  heat  by  cooling. 

"  How  was  de  mark?  "  asked  Bill  with  an 
insinuating  grin. 

"  Dead  easy,"  came  the  answer ;  "  yer 
might  as  well  'a'  told  meh  ter  ask  fer  a  dol 
lar  an'  I'd  'a'  had  it."  He  displayed  his 
half-dollar  proudly. 

Bill  lost  his  breath.  "  Yer  got  dat  wid 
dat  letter?  " 

"  Wid  what  letter?  " 

"  Wid  de  wrong  letter." 

"  How  did  yer  know  dat  I  had  de  wrong 
letter?  " 

"  'Cause  I  had  yourn  an'  I  knowed  dat 
yer  must  'a'  had  mine." 

"  Den  why  didn't  yer  tell  me  dat  I  had  de 
wrong  letter?  " 

"  Well,  I  caught  a  half  wid  de  wrong  let 
ter,  an'  dat's  more'n  I  ever  caught  wid  de 
right  one,  an'  I  fought  ez  yer  might  do  de 
same." 

52 


The  Postscript 


"  So  I  did.  What  more  does  yer  want  ter 
know?" 

"  I  steered  yer  agin  de  mark.  Yer  might 
give  meh  half." 

Tom  was  astonished  at  his  brother's  bold 
ness.  It  actually  dulled  the  edge  of  his 
scorn. 

"  But  yer  got  a  half,  didn't  yer?  " 

"  No,  I  didn't  git  nothin'.  He  cussed  meh 
an'  mixed  meh  up  so  dat  I  didn't  know  where 
I  was  standin'.  An'  dat's  all  I  got  fer  meh 
trouble." 

"  But  yer  jist  said  yer  got  a  half." 

"  But  I  lied,"  confessed  Bill,  thinking  an 
open  confession  might  be  good  for  his  purse. 

"How  I  hates  a  liar!"  ejaculated  Tom, 
throwing  up  his  hands  with  infinite  disgust. 

And  the  lame  man  hastened  away,  refus 
ing  to  be  led  by  the  blind  one. 

Sam  the  Scribe  expected  a  warm  reception 
at  the  second  meeting  and  that  is  the  reason 
why  he  stayed  away.  Effusiveness  always 
53 


The  Beggars'  Club 


bored  him ;  he  had  long  ago  grown  tired  of 
having  his  literary  efforts  criticised,  even 
though  the  comments  were  favorable. 

When  the  club  had  assembled,  Deaf  Dan 
began : 

THE  FATE  OF  THOSE  WHO  WILL  NOT  HEAR 

"  Gentlemen,  a  peculiar  thing  happened  to 
me  to-day;  so  peculiar  that  I  was  almost 
struck  speechless  in  all  truth.  I  went  into 
a  store  to-day,  walked  up  to  the  proprietor 
and  began  to  speak  with  my  fingers.  The 
man  looked  at  me,  and,  without  changing 
the  expression  on  his  face,  answered  me  in 
the  deaf  and  dumb  alphabet.  Now  it  has  al 
ways  been  my  boast  that  I  am  a  man  of  some 
education ;  but  the  deaf  and  dumb  alphabet 
is,  unfortunately,  one  of  the  things  that  I 
never  learned  at  school.  My  finger  alpha 
bet  is  one  of  my  own  invention  and  differs 
from  that  in  general  use.  When  the  man  be 
gan  to  speak  with  his  fingers  I  was  fright- 
54 


Those  Who  Will  Not  Hear 

ened  at  first  and  I  wanted  to  turn  and  ran. 
Then  it  struck  me  that  he  was  only  bluffing, 
and  the  faster  he  used  his  fingers  the  faster 
I  used  mine.  When  he  tired  of  the  exercise 
he  took  a  piece  of  paper  and  wrote : 

"  '  I  don't  understand  YOU  ;  did  you  learn 
the  mute  alphabet  in  China?7 

"  Now,  I  thought  to  myself,  he  may  be  in 
dead  earnest ;  the  trick  is  to  catch  him  either 
way ;  so  I  put  down  one  of  the  only  two  Ger 
man  sentences  I  know : 

" '  Ich  bin  tin  Deutscher — I  am  a  Ger 
man.7 

"  '  And  he  looks  at  me  and  smiles  and 
scratches  down,  '  So  bin  Ich — So  am  I.' 

"  Luckily  that  was  the  other  sentence  I 
knew  and  I  could  make  it  out ;  but  this  was 
as  far  as  I  could  go  in  German,  and  I  was 
about  to  paste  him  one  on  the  head  and  run 
away  when  an  idea  struck  me  in  the  nick  of 
time.  I  dropped  the  pencil  and  smiled  and 
scraped  my  foot,  as  if  I  was  overjoyed  to 
55 


The  Beggars'  Club 


meet  a  countryman ;  and  all  the  time  I  was 
working  my  fingers  in  every  direction.  He 
looked  at  me  and  shook  his  head ;  but  I  went 
on  with  my  fingers  as  if  to  say :  '  Yes,  you 
are  a  German.  You  can't  fool  me.  I  know 
one  when  I  see  him.7 

"  He  wrote  something  in  German  and 
handed  it  to  me.  I  couldn't  read  what  he 
had  written,  but  I  shook  my  head  as  if  I  did, 
and  I  went  on  with  my  fingers. 

"  He  grabbed  the  pencil  and  chalked  down 
in  English :  '  Will  a  dollar  do  you?  ' 

"  I  was  on  the  point  of  nodding  '  Yes,'  but 
I  thought  to  myself,  '  Here  is  the  trap ;  don't 
you  do  it.  He'll  say,  "  So  you  do  read  Eng 
lish,  you  fraud ;  get  out  of  here !  "  ' 

"  I  looked  at  him  hard,  put  a  puzzled  ex 
pression  on  my  face  and  went  on  with  my 
fingers. 

"  Then  he  put  something  down  in  German. 
1  Good,'  thinks  I  to  myself ;  '  he's  translated 
the  last  sentence  from  English  into  German.' 
56 


Those  Who  Will  Not  Hear 

And  I  let  my  head  wag  up  and  down  until 
my  neck  ached. 

"  And  what  do  you  think  that  rascal  does? 
He  hands  me  a  cent  and  chuckles. 

"  Gentlemen  " — and  Dan  ceased  spinning 
his  yarn  long  enough  to  reflect — "  how  I 
wish  I  had  followed  the  advice  of  my  father 
and  learned  German! 

"  Well,  when  the  man  handed  me  the  cent 
I  was  mad ;  but  I  never  let  on.  '  I'll  fool  you 
yet/  said  I  to  myself,  and  I  put  the  penny 
into  my  pocket  as  if  it  was  just  what  I  ex 
pected.  Then  I  had  him  puzzled.  He 
couldn't  make  out  whether  I  was  disap 
pointed  or  not. 

" '  Say,  but  you're  a  sharper! '  he  bawled 
out, 

"  It  was  my  turn  to  say  something,  but  I 
kept  quiet.  I  looked  at  him  as  if  I  was  sur 
prised  that  he  could  speak.  Then  I  took  on 
a  disappointed  air ;  I  changed  that  in  a  sec 
ond  for  the  injured  air.  I  looked  as  if  I  had 
57 


The  Beggars'  Club 


lost  all  faith  in  humanity.  I  put  my  hand 
into  my  pocket  and  slunk  away  as  if  my 
heart  was  broke.  An  actor  couldn't  have 
done  it  any  better. 

"  He  called  me  back  and  tried  to  tell  me 
how  sorry  he  was  and  how  he  didn't  mean  to 
hurt  my  feelings.  I  looked  at  him  with  a 
vacant  stare.  Then  he  gave  me  a  dollar. 

"  I  slipped  the  dollar  into  the  depths  of 
my  pocket;  then  I  turned  and  touched  him 
on  the  shoulder. 

" '  My  friend/  said  I,  '  never  try  to  beat 
a  man  at  his  own  game,  and  being  deaf  and 
dumb  is  my  business.' 

"  It  was  his  turn  for  playing  hurt.  i  Get 
out  of  here,  you  confounded  rogue,'  he 
yelled. 

"  And  I  did  get  out,  but  the  dollar  went 
with  me." 


58 


MEETING  THE   THIRD 

THE  Two  Twins  were  indeed  a  silent  and 
a  stingy  pair,  and  they  opened  their  lips  as 
rarely  as  their  purses.  The  twins  were  tol 
erated  in  the  Beggars'  Club  merely  because 
they  were  unique  and  because  their  family 
connections  were  eminently  respectable. 

They  were  as  like  in  dress,  speech,  and 
looks  as  the  two  Dromios.  Morally  consid 
ered,  they  were  alike — neither  of  them  had 
any  morals.  They  were  commonly  supposed 
to  be  sixty  years  of  age,  and  their  looks  did 
not  belie  the  common  supposition.  They 
were  dried,  weazened,  and  wrinkled,  and  but 
two  teeth  apiece  from  being  toothless.  The 
only  effect  that  age  had  had  upon  their  char 
acters  was  to  make  them  worse. 

Between  them  they  had  one  virtue;  they 
loved  each  other.  One  was  indispensable  to 
the  other.  Jerry  was  a  kind  of  right  leg  to 
Tom,  and  Tom  was  a  kind  of  right  leg  to 
Jerry.  The  way  of  the  transgressor  is  al- 
59 


The  Beggars'  Club 


ways  hard,  but  it  becomes  doubly  hard  with 
the  right  leg  gone,  and  this  may  be  the 
reason  why  Tom  clung  to  Jerry  and  Jerry 
clung  to  Tom. 

For  years  the  twins  had  stood  on  the  same 
corner,  on  the  lookout  for  odd  jobs  and 
chores ;  indeed,  they  have  stood  there  so  long 
that  they  have  given  the  corner  a  certain 
air  of  distinction.  I  should  not  be  sur 
prised  if  the  street  were  to  be  named  after 
them  when  they  die.  The  truly  great  are 
only  appreciated  after  their  death.  But  all 
this  is  a  mere  pointing  of  morals  and  does 
not  adorn  the  tale  of 

TWO  BEGGARS  AND  A  BONNET 

"  Meh  an'  Jerry,"  started  Tom,  "  has  a 
story  that  is  surprisin'.  You  tell  it,  Jerry," 
and  Tom,  surprised  at  his  eloquence,  turned 
to  Jerry. 

"  Naw,"  hawed  Jerry,  "  do  you  tell  yer 
part  an'  I'll  tell  mine." 
60 


.  -  ... 


"  Never  try  ter  beat  a  man  ut  bis 
own  game." 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

Tom,  seeing  that  assistance  was  out  of 
the  question,  went  on :  "  Where  meh  an' 
Jerry  stands  is  a  millinur  lady — a  lady 
what  makes  head-pieces  for  other  ladies — 
what  now  an'  then  gives  meh  an'  Jerry  a 
job  fer  to  carry  out  her  hats  to  de  fool  people 
what  buys  'em. 

"  To-day  she  calls  meh  in  an'  she  says, 
'  Now,  this  bonnut  is  in  a  hurry,  an'  ef  yer 
carries  it  nice  an'  quick  I'll  give  yer  a  quar 
ter  ! '  An'  she  gives  meh  de  number  an'  de 
street.  An'  she  axes  me  does  I  know  de 
street. 

"  <  Sure,'  says  I,  '  meh  sister  Mary  lives  on 
that  street.  Yer  knows,  ma'am,  meh  sister 
Mary  what  married  de  saloon-keeper,  him 
that  is  wuth  a  million,  keeps  two  servants 
an'  a  porter.' 

"  An'  she  cuts  me  short  an'  says,  <  Never 

mind   yer   relatives;   this  is  in   a  hurry.' 

Which  was  aggravating  seein'  as  a  poor  man 

is  allus  proud  ef  a  rich  sister.    But  I  takes 

61 


The  Beggars'  Club 


de  box  an'  de  book  ter  sign  an'  I  goes  out 
es  ef  I  was  in  a  hurry — which  I  wasn't. 

"  On  the  corner  I  meets  Jerry.  <  What 
has  yer  got  in  de  box?  '  axes  Jerry." 

"  An'  I  axes  yer  what  yer  was  a-gettin'," 
put  in  Jerry,  as  if  trying  to  remind  Tom  of 
something  forgotten. 

"  An'  I  told  yer  a  quarter,"  answered 
Tom  proudly. 

"  '  Yer  old  fool,'  says  you,  <  yer  kin  leave 
de  bonnut  at  sister  Mary's,  an'  get  a  bite 
ter  eat,  an'  a  tin  full  of  tea,  an'  a  quarter 
asides.  An'  sister  Mary  lives  five  numbers 
lower  on  de  street,  which  is  wuth  consid- 
erin.'  " 

Here  Jerry  relieved  Tom.  "  An'  a  heap 
of  arguin'  I  had  ter  do  ter  make  this  old 
fool  see  how  it  was  better  an'  easier  ter 
leave  de  bonnut  at  Mary's.  He  was  afreerd 
that  de  millinur  lady  would  have  us  ar 
rested.  <  Can't  a  man  make  a  mistake  in 
deliverin'  ? '  axes  I  wid  a  wink. 
62 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

"  Knowin'  how  close  sister  is  an'  how  she 
hates  ter  give  us  anything  'cause  us  is  beg 
gars  an'  her  allus  afeerd  an'  ashamed  that 
de  neighbors  might  diskiver  it — wre  fixed  it 
atween  us  ter  say  that  we  was  lately  become 
rich  an'  we  brung  her  de  bonnut  fer  a  gift, 
an'  how  dresses  an'  sich  truck  was  ter  fol 
low. 

"  Mary  was  in  an'  she  answers  our  ring. 
'  Well,'  says  she,  '  youse  beggars  here  ag'in 
ater  victuals?  Youse  is  a  disgrace  an'  a 
shame.' 

" '  No,  we  ain't  a  disgrace  an'  a  shame 
any  more,  Mary,'  puts  in  Tom  an'  meh ;  '  we 
is  rich  now  an'  we  brung  yer  a  gift — a  bon 
nut  what  cost  a  f ortin ! ' 

"  *  Come  right  in,'  says  Mary ;  an'  she 
opens  de  door  wide,  an'  Tom  an'  meh  steps 
in,  Tom  grinnin'  so  I  had  ter  kick  him  ter 
be  still. 

"  An'  Mary  tries  ter  explain  how  havin'  a 
headache  she  was  cross  all  morning,  an'  de 
63 


The  Beggars'  Club 


baby  was  sick  an'  a  lot  of  wimmen  lies. 
'  P'r'aps,'  says  she,  '  you  an'  Tom  would  like 
a  cup  of  tea  an'  a  bite  ter  eat?  ' 

"  '  Well,'  says  Tom, <  we  just  eat  dinner  at 
a  fashunable  hotel,  but  we  don't  mind  a  cup 
ef  tea.'  An'  all  de  time  Mary  was  a-dyin' 
ter  ask  how  we  come  by  de  fortin,  an'  we 
a-thinkin'  how  we  could  answer  what  she 
axed." 

Jerry  paused  for  breath  and  Tom  went 
on: 

"  So  I  takes  de  bonnut  out  of  de  box  an' 
I  shows  it  ter  her,  an'  Mary  clasps  her  hands 
an'  she  screams,  '  It's  a  dream.'  It  had  two 
high  peacock  feathers  what  was  black  an' 
white,  an'  it  looked  as  good  as  a  circus  tent 
with  red  an'  white  flags  on  top.  An'  she 
looks  in  de  glass  an'  de  bonnut  fits  her  like 
de  peach  does  de  stone.  Then  she  kisses 
meh,  which  was  suddin  an'  not  accordin' 
ter  habit,  it  bein'  all  on  account  of  de  bon 
nut 

64 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

"  *  Now,'  says  she,  '  I'll  go  an'  make  youse 
a  cup  of  tea  an'  cook  somethin'  hot.'  An' 
she  puts  de  bonnut  back  in  de  box  an'  leaves 
meh  an'  Jerry  in  de  parlor,  which  is  better 
en  standin'  outside  an'  drinkin'  cold  tea  out 
ef  a  rusty  pan. 

"  An'  Jerry  he  says  ter  meh  when  he  was 
alone,  '  Tom,  when  yer  goes,  take  de  bonnut 
wid  yer ! ' 

"  '  What  fer?  '  axes  I. 

"  '  Never  mind,'  says  Jerry ;  '  I  sees  a  dol 
lar  in  sight  an'  no  work.' 

"  So  I  says  no  more,  knowin'  as  Jerry 
was  a-thinkin'  hard  an'  meh  not  wantin'  ter 
puzzle  him  an'  ter  lose  half  ef  de  dollar. 
When  Mary  comes  back  with  de  tea  an'  de 
lunch  like  we  never  see  afore,  an'  two  ef  her 
husband's  cigars — which  was  on  account  ef 
de  bonnut — she  says :  '  Now,  I  wants  youse 
ter  come  often  an'  be  ter  home  here,  an?  I 
expects  yer  on  Sunday  fer  dinner.'  An' 
Jerry  he  laughs  an'  I  steps  on  his  toes. 
65 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Then  Mary  axes  how  we  come  by  de 
fortin',  an'  I  looks  at  Jerry,  not  knowin' 
what  ter  say.  An'  Jerry  says  quick  an' 
solemn-like,  '  'It  was  mines ! ' 

"  An'  Mary  axes,  '  How  did  that  happen?  ' 

"  An'  I  answers  fer  Jerry,  seein'  as  Jerry 
was  in  a  trap,  '  It's  a  long  story  an'  hard  ter 
explain,  but  ter  make  it  easy  fer  a  woman 
ter  understand,  meh  an'  Jerry  bought  stocks 
an'  shares  an'  de  whole  blame  thing  goes 
down,  only  our  stocks  an'  shares  goes  up, 
an'  de  other  fellers  loses  their  money  an'  we 
makes  ourn.'  <  Oh,  I  see,'  says  Mary.  An' 
I  was  glad  that  she  seen,  'cause  ef  she  didn't 
we  had  been  in  a  trap. 

"  A  neighbor  comes  in  afore  Mary  has  de 
chance  ter  ax  any  more  questions,  an'  when 
Mary's  back  was  turned  I  grabs  de  bonnut," 

It  was  now  Jerry's  turn  for  his  part  of 
the  duologue. 

"  When  we  reaches  de  street,  Tom  axes, 
*  What  now?' 

66 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

"  '  Give  rneh  de  bonnut,'  says  I. 

"  An'  Tom  says :  '  You'll  sell  de  bonnut 
ter  Mary  er  else  pawn  it,  an'  then  where'll 
I  be?' 

"  '  That  ain't  de  game  at  all,  Tom,'  says  I. 
4 1  takes  de  bonnut  back  ter  de  millinur  lady 
an'  tells  her  you  was  kilt  by  de  cars,  an'  I 
brung  it  back.  An'  she'll  give  meh  half  a 
dollar  fer  takin'  it  out  ag'in,  an'  you  en 
meh  '11  both  have  thirty-seven  cents.'  But 
Tom  hangs  on  to  de  bonnut,  not  seein'  where 
he  was  a-comin'  in. 

"  '  Why  not  take  it  right  to  de  name 
what's  on  de  tag  an'  ax  fer  fifty  cents 
charges  fer  deliverin  '  ?  '  says  he. 

"  '  Tom,'  says  I,  '  yer  a  blamed  old  fool ; 
we  kin  get  a  half  dollar  at  both  ends  as 
well  as  one.'  So  Tom  'lowed  he  was  wrong 
an'  I  was  right,  an'  he  gives  me  de  box. 

"  When  I  goes  into  de  millinur  lady's 
place  with  de  bonnut  she  almost  faints. 
4  What,'  shouts  she,  '  ain't  yer  delivered  that 
67 


The  Beggars'  Club 


bonnut  yet?     It  ought  ter  been  there  two 
hours  ago.' 

" '  Excuse  me,  madame,'  says  I,  '  it  was 
Tom  as  took  out  de  box  an'  not  meh;  I'm 
Jerry.' 

" '  An'  what  has  Tom  been  doin'  all  this 
time,  the  rogue ! '  shouts  she. 

"  '  Excuse  meh,  ma'm,'  says  I,  a-squeezin' 
a  tear  out  of  meh  eye  wid  my  sleeve.  '  Tom 
ain't  a  rogue  any  more ;  he's  dead !  He  was 
kilt  by  de  cars.  His  last  word  was,  "  Jerry, 
ef  yer  loves  meh,  bring  that  bonnut  back  ter 
de  millinury  lady." 

" '  That's  too  bad,'  says  she,  i  but  I  must 
get  de  bounut  out  right  away,'  says  she,  <  er 
it  will  miss  de  lady  what's  going  ter  de  hop, 
an'  I  wants  meh  pay !  An'  it's  too  late  ter 
find  anybody  else ;  yer  must  take  it  out ;  yer 
must,' 

" '  How  kin  yer  ax  meh  that,  ma'm,'  says 
I — '  meh  what  is  feelin'  so  bad  about  meh 
brother  Tom?' 

68 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

"  <  That's  all  sentimint,'  says  she.  '  Drink 
this  an'  you'll  feel  better.'  An'  she  offers 
meh  a  quarter  ter  hurry  out  wid  de  bonnut, 
but  I  hangs  out  fer  fifty  cents,  sayin'  as 
a  man's  affections  fer  his  lost  brother  was 
wuth  at  least  an  extree  quarter.  An'  she 
says,  6  Well,  there  ain't  no  time  fer  argu- 
mint.  I'll  give  yer  fifty  cents,  only  hurry.' ' 

"  Yer  tole  meh  it  was  only  a  quarter," 
bawled  out  Tom  in  a  fury. 

"  I  must  have  been  wrong  one  of  de  times, 
then,"  explained  Jerry  nonchalantly. 

"  Well,  as  I  was  savin',  she  gives  meh  de 
fifty  cents  an'  she  writes  de  name  an'  de 
address  in  de  book;  there  not  bein'  time,  she 
don't  stop  ter  put  on  a  tag. 

"  i  Ma'm,'  says  I,  '  if  you  will  give  meh 
one  of  them  empty  boxes  fer  a  gift  I'll  hurry 
extree  quick,  I  will.'  An'  she  axes  meh  what 
fer  in  Heaven's  name  I  wants  de  box. 

"  '  Ter  keep  a  few  relics  from  Tom  in  that 
is  extree  dear  ter  meh,'  says  I,  a-pullin'  out 


The  Beggars'  Club 


meh  handkerchief,  an'  a  few  brass  buttons, 
an'  an  ole  newspaper,  an'  an  empty  bottle, 
an'  a  piece  of  string. 

"  So,  she  bein'  anxious  ter  git  meh  gone, 
gives  meh  a  bonnut  box,  grumblin'  all  de 
time  an'  sayin',  '  By  de  time  that  bonnut  is 
delivered  all  meh  profit  '11  be  gone.  I  giv' 
yer  brother  a  quarter  an'  yer  fifty  cents,  an* 
de  bonnut  box  cost  meh  fifteen  cents,  which 
makes  ninety  cents  fer  taking  a  bonnut  a 
mile  an'  a  half.  I  could  git  a  cab  fer  that, 
I  could.' 

"<  That's  too  bad,'  says  I;  <  Tom  might 
just  as  well  have  waited  ter  been  kilt  on  de 
way  back.'  An'  I  trots  off,  bein'  angry  that 
I  didn't  have  sense  enough  ter  cry  ag'in  an* 
git  another  quarter. 

"  Outside  I  meets  Torn,  an'  he  says,  seein' 
de  two  boxes,  i  Yer  don't  mean  ter  carry  out 
them  two  boxes  fer  de  price  ef  one?  ' 

"  '  No,  Tom,'  says  I ;  *  de  one  box  is  empty. 
She  guv  it  ter  meh ! ' 
70 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

"  '  She  guv  yer  de  empty  box  fer  carryin' 
out  de  full  one/  says  he,  '  an'  yer  took  it 
like  a  ole  fool?  ' 

"  i  An'  a  quarter  asides,'  answers  I.'" 

"  Which  was  a  lie,"  howled  Tom  indig 
nantly. 

Jerry  did  not  allow  his  brother's  asper 
sion  to  interfere  with  what  the  rhetoricians 
call  the  swift  onward  flow  of  his  narra 
tive. 

"  '  An'  what  are  yer  goin'  ter  do  with  that 
empty  box? '  axes  Tom. 

"  i  Leave  it  at  sister's/  says  I.  '  We'll  say 
as  we  was  thinkin'  'bout  de  mines  an'  de 
stocks,  an'  we  fetched  de  box  away,  not 
thinkin'.  An'  we'll  fool  the  stingy  old  fox 
twice  an'  maybe  borry  a  quarter  asides/ 
*  Jerry,'  says  Tom, '  yer  a  gen'us ;  no  one  but 
a  gen'us  could  have  thought  ef  that.' 

"  Well,  Tom  an'  men  goes  up  ter  sister's 
flat,  An'  I  waits  downstairs  while  he  totes 
up  de  empty  box.'' 

71 


The  Beggars'  Club 


Here  Jerry  looked  a,t  Tom  beseechingly, 
and  Tom  relieved  him  of  the  burden  and 
went  on  to  tell  the  further  adventures  of  the 
bonnet. 

"  I  goes  up  de  stairs  an'  Mary  opens  de 
door,  an'  I  sees  she  was  angry,  but  I  holds 
up  de  box  afore  she  has  de  chanct  ter  speak. 
<  Excuse  meh,  Mary,'  says  I,  '  but  in  meh 
trouble  about  de  mine  an'  de  stocks  I  took 
de  bonnut  away,  not  being  used  ter  carryin' 
one.' 

"  'En  Mary  smiles  an'  axes  meh  ef  I 
wouldn't  stay  an'  have  supper.  '  I  ain't  got 
time,'  says  I.  '  Stock's  goin'  up  all  de  day ; 
but  ef  yer  has  a  cup  of  coffee  an'  a  bite  ter 
eat  ready  I  don't  mind.  An',  Mary,'  I  goes 
on,  '  I'll  bring  yer  a  picture  ef  de  mine  on 
Sunday  an'  yer  kin  hang  it  on  yer  parlor 
wall.  But  I  must  hurry  along  now  an'  mind 
de  stocks.' 

"  When  de  door  was  shut  I  runs  up  ag'in 
an'  rings,  an'  Mary  answers.  '  Mary,'  says 
72 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet     * 

I, '  in  meh  flurry  alongside  ef  de  stocks  goin' 
up  I  left  all  meh  money  wid  Jerry — would 
yer  mind  lettin'  meh  have  a  quarter  till  Sun 
day?' 

"  An'  Mary,  who  was  always  that  stingy 
yer  couldn't  get  a  penny  without  beggin'  an1 
beggin',  an'  a  nickel  without  cryin'  an'  cry- 
in',  she  says,  '  Yer  might  just  as  well  have 
fifty  cents  es  a  quarter.  I  ain't  de  kind  es 
forgets  a  brother  in  trouble.' " 

"  Yer  old  skinflint/'  thundered  Jerry, 
"  yer  tole  meh  yer  couldn't  get  a  red  from 
her.  Yer  owes  meh  a  shillin' ' 

"  An'  I'll  pay  it  some  day  afore  I  dies," 
smiled  Tom  blandly,  hastening  on  to  say : 

"  When  I  reaches  de  street  I  finds  Jerry 
walkin'  up  an'  down  an'  cursin',  which  is 
unusual,  him  bein'  so  lazy. 

"  '  What's  de  matter? '  axes  I. 

"  <  Oh,  Tom,'  says  he, '  we  done  it,  we  done 
it.    We  left  de  wrong  box  wid  Mary — de  one 
wid  de  bonnut.    This  here  one  is  empty.' 
73 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  <  How  did  that  happen?  '  I  axes,  turnin' 
pale. 

"  '  It  all  comes  along  yer  argumint 
about  carryin'  de  boxes/  answered  Jerry. 
<  I  fooled  yer  by  givin'  yer  de  box  wid  de 
bonnut  in,  an'  I  forgot  ter  change  when  yer 
went  up  de  stairs.' 

"  '  It  serves  yer  right,'  answers  I,  '  fer 
tryin'  ter  play  tricks  on  yer  brother,  an' 
makin'  meh  do  de  extree  work ' ;  but  I  feels 
sorry  ter  see  Jerry  a-lookin'  so  scared,  an' 
I  says,  *  Yer  a  blamed  old  fool  fer  a  gen'us, 
Jerry ! ' 

"  '  An'  why? '  axes  Jerry. 

"  '  Why,'  shouts  I,  '  could  anything  better 
a-happened?  That  mistake  is  wuth  a  fortin'. 
Yer  an'  meh  kin  eat  a  week  at  sister's  fer 
de  bonnut,  an'  we  kin  charge  de  lady  just 
es  much  fer  deliverin'  de  empty  box  es  de 
full  one." 

"  '  Tom,'  says  Jerry,  *  I'm  proud  of  yer ; 
yer  a  gen'us.' 

74 


Two  Beggars  and  a  Bonnet 

"  So  meh  an'  him  goes  ter  de  house,  which 
was  a  brownstone  one  an'  no  flat,  an'  we 
rings  de  bell. 

" i  This  is  swell/  says  Jerry  ter  nie; 
'  we'll  raise  de  price  ter  thirty  cents  apiece.' 
An'  I  hands  Jerry  de  box,  knowin'  Jerry  is 
better  at  drivin'  a  bargain. 

"  '  Here's  yer  bonnut,'  says  Jerry  when 
a  lady  conies  ter  de  door. 

"  <  Thank  de  Lord,'  says  she ;  '  missus  is 
almost  crazy.'  An'  she  reaches  out  her  hand 
ter  grab  de  bonnut. 

"  '  Not  so  quick,  Miss,'  says  Jerry ;  '  meh 
an'  him  each  gets  thirty  cents  fer  takin' 
youse  de  bonnut ! ' 

"  '  That's  outrageous,'  says  she ;  <  I  never 
heerd  de  like  ef  it.  I'll  call  missus.' 

"  An'  de  missus,  what  was  a  tall  lady  with 
a  thin  voice,  comes  a-runnin'  down  de  stairs 
an'  a-scoldin' :  '  I  never  heerd  ef  sich  a  thing 
an'  I'll  not  pay  it.  I  never  pays  anyone  fer 
deliverin'  goods,'  says  she. 
75 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  '  No,  ma'm,'  says  I,  '  not  generally 
speaking  but  this  is  in  a  hurry.' 

"  <  Kin  two  go  quicker  en  one?  '  she  snaps 
ag'in. 

" '  No/  answers  Jerry,  him  bein'  ready 
this  time,  '  but  ef  I  happened  ter  be  kilt  on 
de  cars,  why,  Tom  could  take  de  bonnut.' 

" '  Which  is  de  great  p'int  about  de  Tom 
an'  Jerry  Bonnut  Deliverin'  Company/ 
says  I. 

" <  This  is  all  very  funny/  says  she,  6  but 
youse  kin  leave  de  bonnut,  an?  I'll  arrange 
it  with  de  millinur  lady.' 

"  '  Not  much,'  says  Jerry ;  i  that  wouldn't 
be  so  funny  fer  us.  Yer  kin  pay  us  first,  an' 
ef  it  ain't  right  yer  kin  git  it  back  from  de 
millinur  lady.' 

"  *  Well,  I'll  pay,'  says  she,  '  'cause  I  must 
have  de  bonnut,  but  it's  an  impisition ! ' 

"  An'  she  pays  us  an'  we  runs  off.  An' 
that's  all  there  is  to  de  story,"  ended  Tom. 

"Except,"  added  Jerry,  "that  meh  an' 
76 


A  Beggar's  Strategy 


Tom  is  goin'  ter  sister's  fer  dinner  on  Sun 
day!" 

McQuinn  was  the  one  hearer  who  did  not 
enjoy  the  strange  adventures  of  the  bonnet 
— it  came  under  his  category  of  the  long  and 
the  dry.  "It's  gettin'  close  on  ter  twelve 
o'clock,"  grumbled  he,  "  an'  all  this  talkin' 
for  only  two  rounds." 

One-armed  Jake  took  the  hint,  like 
wise  time,  by  the  forelock,  suggesting,  "  I 
kin  work  in  a  short  story  an'  another  round 
'tween  now  an'  twelve  o'clock." 

"  Dat's  de  kind,"  assented  McQuinn,  look 
ing  threateningly  at  the  twins,  and  before 
the  beer  was  bubbling  in  the  can  Jake  had 
already  delivered  his  introduction  of 

A  BEGGAR'S  STRATEGY 

"  Meh  an'  Foxy  ( I  see  Foxy  ain't  here  to 
night)  worked  a  racket  dat  was  all  right 
fer  Foxy,  but  what  didn't  go  at  all  fer  men. 

77 


The  Beggars'  Club 


Him  an'  meh  started  out  ter-day  an'  he  axes 
meh  what  I  has  on. 

"  '  No  scheme  at  all,'  answers  I ;  '  meh 
brain  is  givin'  out.  I'm  gettin'  old ! ' 

" '  Well,'  puts  in  Foxy,  ' 1  got  a  scheme, 
but  not  havin'  tried  it  I  ain't  sure  dat  it  '11 
work.  Did  yer  ever  try  de  sympathy  game, 
Jake? '  he  axes. 

"  '  Dere  ain't  no  game  what  I  ain't  played/ 
says  I ; '  sympathy  game  an'  all.' 

"  '  Dis  is  a  new  sympathy  game,'  answers 
he,  '  an'  I'm  sure  dat  no  one  ha,s  played  it. 
Yer  see,  Jake,  it  goes  like  dis :  yer  fixes  yer- 
self  fer  de  lame  man  an'  I  fixes  meself  fer 
de  blind  man.' 

"  '  Hold  on,  Foxy,'  says  I,  '  dat's  old ;  dat 
was  done  before  any  man  on  de  earth  was 
ever  blind  er  lame ! ' 

"  '  Give  a  feller  a  chance,'  snaps  Foxy ; 

<  let  me  finish.    Here's  de  new  part :  I  stands 

on  de  corner  wid  meh  hat  in  meh  hand,  an' 

yer  hobbles  up  ter  meh,  an'  yer  looks  sorry 

78 


A  Beggar's  Strategy 


fer  mch.  Den  yer  drops  a  dime  in  meh  hat. 
Den  a  whole  crowd  of  people  '11  say,  '  Did 
yer  see  dat  beggar  give  de  other  beggar  a 
dime?  How  deservin-  he  must  be.'  Den 
dey  all  stops  an'  drops  a  dime  in  meh  hat. 
Some  ef  em  more  an'  some  less. 

"  <  Dat's  a  very  fine  game  fer  yerself, 
Foxy,'  says  I,  '  a  very  fine  game  for  ter  work 
meh  fer  a  dime.' 

"'Not  at  all,'  answers  he;  <  ef  it  don't 
work  I  gives  yer  de  dime  back,  an'  ef  it  do 
work — why,  we  diwides.' 

"  '  Ef  it's  sich  a  fine  scheme,'  answers  I, 
*yer  kin  give  meh  a  dime  an'  I'll  drop  de 
same  dime  in  yer  hat.' 

"  An'  Foxy  smiles  an'  he  says,  <  I  knows 
yer,  Jake;  yer  ain't  honest;  yer'd  run  away 
wid  de  dime.' 

"  *  Both  ef  us  would  be  takin'  de  same 
chanct,  Foxy,'  answers  I.  '  Yer  kin  give 
meh  de  dime  an'  I'll  put  it  in.' 

"  <  All  right,  Jake,'  says  he, '  but  I'm  sorry 
79 


The  Beggars'  Club 


yer  so  sispicious.'  An'  he  fishes  thru  all  his 
pockets  an'  turns  'em  inside  out,  an'  he 
shakes  his  head. 

"  6  Yer  sees  how  it  is,  Jake ;  I'm  willin'  ter 
trust  yer,  but  I  ain't  got  de  dime;  I'm 
busted,'  says  he. 

"  <  All  right,  Foxy,'  says  I,  <  I'll  risk  de 
dime  on  yer,  but  ef  yer  don't  do  de  square 
thing  by  meh  I'll  git  even.' 

"  So  meh  an'  Foxy  walks  on,  an'  Foxy 
watches  sharp,  an'  when  he  sees  de  right 
corner,  he  stands  still  an'  he  takes  orff  his 
hat,  an'  he  begins  ter  sing  a  song  de  like  ef 
which  I  never  heerd  afore.  He  must  have 
made  it  up  ez  he  went  along;  it  sounded 
like  Chinee  ter  meh.  But  whether  de  song 
was  Chinee  er  Japanee,  it  done  de  work. 
Yer  never  seen  sich  a  crowd ! 

"An'  I  takes  off  meh  hat  an'  I  hobbles 

thru  de  crowd  an'  I  begs  an'  I  don't  get 

a  red.    Den  I  fishes  a  dime  out  ef  meh  pocket 

an'  drops  de  dime  inter  Foxy's  hat,  a-sayin' 

80 


ff  An*  he  begins  ter  sing  a  song" 


A  Beggar's  Strategy 


ter  mehself ,  *  Good-by,  dime ;  meh  and  you'll 
never  see  each  other  ag'in.'  Den  de  crowd 
loosens  up.  Yer'd  a  thought  it  was  a-rainin' 
silver.  I  niver  seen  sich  an  invistment  fer  a 
dime  in  all  meh  born  days.  In  five  minutes 
his  hat  was  dat  full  I  fought  it  'd  break. " 

"  Foxy  puts  de  coin  in  his  pocket  an* 
walks  away,  an'  I  follers.  When  we  gets  to 
de  alley  I  axes  him  how  much  it  was. 

"  '  Ten  dollars  an'  eleven  cents,'  says  he. 

"  Den  yer  kin  give  meh  five  dollars  an* 
five  cents  an'  keep  de  extree  cent  fer  yer- 
self,'  says  I. 

"  An'  Foxy  grins  an'  I  knows  something 
is  a-comin'. 

"  i  Jake,'  axes  he,  <  de  dime  what  yer  put 
in  meh  hat  had  a  hole  in  it,  eh? ' 

"  <  Yes,'  answers  I  quick,  afore  I  fought 
ef  it  had  a  hole  in  it  er  not. 

"  <  Yer  a  rogue,'  shouts  he ;  <  I  knowed  yer 
didn't  put  a  dime  in  meh  hat.    Dere  was  no 
dime  wid  a  hole  in  it ! ' 
81 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  <  Come  ter  think  on  it,'  says  I  perlitely, 
'  de  dime  I  put  in  didn't  have  a  hole  in  it.' 

" '  Jake/  axes  he,  t  which  is  a  lie,  de  first 
er  de  second,  er  both? ' 

"  I  reaches  out  an'  I  grabs  him  by  de 
t'roat.  '  Look  here,'  I  yells,  '  two  lies  er  no 
lies,  are  yer  goin'  ter  do  de  square  thing  by 
meh?' 

"  An'  Foxy,  seein'  I  means  business,  he 
agrees  ter  divy  an'  I  don't  let  meh  hand  orff 
his  throat  till  he  does.  An'  when  he  gives 
meh  de  coin  I  hands  him  a  punch,  an'  Foxy 
yells.  An'  I  turns  ter  go  out  of  de  alley 
when  Foxy  bawls : 

" '  Say,  Jake,  I  didn't  do  de  square  thing 
an'  I'm  ashamed  ef  mehself .  Now,  Jake,  yer 
an'  meh  kin  work  de  same  racket  over  ag'in. 
I'll  trust  yer  to  do  de  right  ding.  I'll  play 
lame  man  an'  yer  kin  play  blind  man,  an' 
sing  an'  hold  de  hat! ' 

"  <  All  right,  Foxy,'  says  I ;  '  here's  meh 
hand  on  it ! ' 


A  Beggar's  Strategy 


"  So  meh  an'  him  starts  fer  a  new  corner. 
An'  when  us  hits  on  one,  I  takes  orff  meh 
hat  an'  I  shuts  meh  eyes  ter  play  blind  an' 
sings  fer  all  I'm  worth.  It  didn't  take  long 
fer  de  crowd  ter  come,  an'  Foxy  hobbles 
up  ter  meh  thru  de  big  crowd  an'  he  stops  in 
front  ef  meh  an'  looks  inter  meh  hat  an'  he 
grins.  Den  he  hobbles  away,  not  droppin' 
de  dime  in.  '  Yer  a  long  time  a-spendin'  dat 
dime,'  I  was  a-goin'  ter  yell  out,  but  I 
dasn't. 

"  Den  he  hobbles  around  meh  ag'in  an'  I 
was  a-reachin'  out  ter  land  a  long  kick  on 
his  shins  when  he  yells  out : 

"  '  Look  out,  Jake,  de  cop  is  cominV 

"  Like  a  fool  I  opens  meh  eyes  an'  looks 
around,  an'  de  crowd  laffs  an'  howls  an' 
I  sneaks  away.  An'  if  I  catches  Foxy  I'll 
make  him  a  bracelet  out  ef  meh  ten  fingers 
fer  his  neck !  " 

"  Dat  reminds  meh,"  vociferated  Loony 

Louis,  "  ef " 

83 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Save  yer  remimberences  fer  another 
time,"  frowned  McQuinn ;  "  the  clock  has 
struck  twelve,  an'  it's  time  fer  honest  people 
ter  be  in  bed." 


84 


MEETING  THE   FOURTH 

SAM  THE  SCRIBE,  having  appeased  the 
wrath  of  Lame  Tom  in  his  suave  way,  was 
on  hand  to  greet  his  comrades.  He  looked 
even  more  absorbed  than  was  his  wont,  and 
all  held  their  peace,  feeling  sure  that  Sam 
had  something  to  say. 

CALIFORNIA  COX  AND  THE  BEGGARS^  UNION 

"  Gents/'  began  Sam  when  all  the  club 
members  had  assembled,  "  California  Cox 
and  his  dog  Mike  is  in  town.  I  ain't 
seen  Cox  in  years,  and  I  almost  fell  over 
to-day  when  I  caught  sight  of  Cox  and  his 
dog  on  the  corner,  playing  their  same  old 
game.  He's  got  the  greatest  dog  alive — ain't 
another  one  like  him  anywheres.  Smart  as 
a  man,  that  dog !  The  '  California '  trained 
him.  Spent  a  year  eddicatin'  him  and  now 
the  dog  is  paying  it  back." 

"  What's  his  game? "  asked  Pete  the 
Squealer. 

85 


The  Beggars>  Club 


"Cox  plays  blind,"  answered  Sam, 
"  wearing  his  sign  and  all ;  sits  on  a  camp- 
stool,  playing  the  accordion,  an'  the  dog 
Mike  dances  around  on  his  hind  legs  until 
a  crowd  comes;  then  he  barks,  snatches  the 
hat  from  Cox's  head  and  passes  it  around. 
If  that  dog  comes  along  to  someone  that 
won't  drop  coin  in  the  hat  he  just  lays  down 
and  cries,  and  the  crowd  laughs  at  the  tight- 
fist  and  the  next  feller  is  kind  of  shamed 
into  giving  up." 

"  An'  him  only  a  dorg?  "  asked  One-armed 
Jake  skeptically. 

Sam,  vouchsafing  no  answer,  went  on  to 
say :  "  Well,  I  watched  the  dog  and  Cox  at 
work  for  a  while,  and  it  made  me  sick  to  see 
the  coin  rolling,  and  rolling  into  that  old 
hat  of  his.  And  so  easy,  too !  I  reckon  the 
mint  don't  drop  coin  no  easier." 

"  I  moves,"  yelled  Lame  Tom,  "  dat  dis 
club  trades  One-armed  Jake,  Loony  Louis 
an'  Mollbuzzer  f er  dat  dorg !  " 


California  Cox 


The  Scribe  shook  his  head  impatiently  at 
the  interruption  and  went  on :  "  Now  I've 
made  up  a  scheme  for  separating  Cox  from 
his  dog,  and  if  the  club  will  stand  by  me  and 
do  what  I  say  we  can  begin  work  to-morrow 
and  get  Mike  Cox  the  day  after." 

"  I  moves,"  cried  Charlie  the  Conner, 
"  dat  Cox,  Mike  Cox,  de  dorg,  be  made  a 
honerary  member  ef  dis  club  right  now." 

"  Before  you  take  a  vote  on  that,"  smiled 
Sarn,  "  Fd  like  to  tell  you  my  scheme  and 
coach  you  in  your  parts,"  and  without  any 
further  hindrance  he  outlined  his  wicked 
plan  for  stealing  an  innocent  dog  from  its 
dependent  master. 

On  the  following  morning,  in  accordance 
with  the  instructions  received  from  Sam,  the 
members  of  the  Club  gathered  on  the  corner 
pre-empted  by  California  Cox  and  his  dog 
Mike. 

After  enjoining  each  member  not  to  for 
get  his  part  in  the  plot,  Sam  left  his  com- 
87 


The  Beggars'  Club 


rades  and  approached  Cox,  a  huge  fellow, 
all  bone  and  muscle,  who  sat  peacefully 
playing  his  accordion,  to  the  droning  meas 
ures  of  which  his  trick  dog  Mike  was  pranc 
ing  about  on  his  hind  legs,  holding  the  rim 
of  his  master's  hat  in  his  mouth. 

A  large  black  sign,  painted  in  white  let 
ters,  hung  across  the  broad  chest  of  the  men 
dicant,  warning  the  world  that  the  wearer 
was  blind,  but  Sain,  refusing  to  heed  the 
signal,  stepped  up  to  him  boldly  and  said : 

"  Hello,  Cox!    Do  you  remember  me?  " 

"  I  don't  remember  yer  voice,"  said  Cox, 
"  an'  I  can't  see  yer  face." 

"  I  wrote  your  first  blind  letter  for  you. 
Do  you  remember  me  now?  I'm  Sam  the 
Scribe." 

"  I  paid  yer  fer  de  letter;  what  more  does 
yer  want?  Interest  maybe?" 

"  Oh,  nothing,"  came  from  Sam.  "  I've 
got  a  paying  job  now." 

"Whatdoin'?" 

88 


"  Cox  sat  peacefully  p/a^ing  bis 
accordion. ' ' 


California  Cox 


"  President  of  the  Amalgamated  Beggars' 
Union." 

"  Never  heard  ef  dat  yet,"  growled  Cox, 
scenting  mischief. 

"  Of  course  not  It's  something  new ;  but 
you'll  hear  of  it  soon.  Have  you  got  a  mem 
bership  card?  " 

"  No,  an'  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  git  none 
neither." 

"  Then  quit  work,  Cox,  before  the  Union 
runs  you  out  of  business.  You're  a  scab !  " 

"  Sam,  yer  up  ter  yer  tricks.  I  knows 
yer." 

"  Good-by,  Cox,  I'm  off.  The  delegation 
will  be  around  here  in  a  few  minutes." 

"  Hoi'  on  a,  minute,  Sam,"  bawled  Cox ; 
"  is  dis  straight?  " 

"  Straight  as  a  pin,"  replied  Sam.  "  We're 
incorporated  regularly,  according  to  the  law 
of  the  State,  and  we've  got  our  charter.  It 
will  cost  you  two  dollars  to  join  and  you'll 
have  to  give  up  the  dog.  Rule  number  one 
89 


The  Beggars'  Club 


prohibits  the  use  of  all  animals  and  the  beg 
ging  of  all  children  under  fourteen  years  of 
age." 

"  Afore  I  gives  up  da,t  dorg,"  thundered 
Cox,  springing  to  his  feet  and  grasping  hi§ 
heavy  stick,  "  I'll  see  youse  an'  yer  Union 
in  a  place  where  de  North  Pole  would  burn 
fer  kindlin'  " 

"  Good-by,"  shouted  Sam,  out  of  reach, 
"  I've  warned  you ;  I've  done  the  best  I 
could.  You'll  be  whipped  so  that  your  own 
dog  wouldn't  know  you  from  a  lump  of 
mud." 

"  An'  if  I  ketches  yer  near  dis  corner 
again,"  roared  Cox,  "  I'll  make  yer  look  like 
whipped  eggs,  ready  ter  go  inside  ef  a  cake." 

Not  five  minutes  had  elapsed  before  the 
Beggars'  Club  advanced  toward  Cox  in  a 
body  of  the  whole,  with  Sam  for  spokesman. 

"  Here's  the  delegation  I  promised,"  be 
gan  Sam,  keeping  out  of  reach  of  the  huge 
fellow's  fist  and  stick. 
90 


California  Cox 


"  Show  yer  card ! "  went  up  the  cry,  "  er 
git  out" 

"  Fll  give  dis  crowd  all  de  cards  what  it 
wants ! "  yelled  Cox,  springing  to  his  feet 
irately,  grasping  his  dog  Mike  in  his  arm  (it 
was  always  his  first  movement,  being  along 
the  lines  of  self-preservation)  and  reaching 
down  for  his  stout  stick;  but  the  weapon 
was  gone,  being  now  the  property  of  Foxy 
Basket,  who  intended  to  wield  it  against  its 
legitimate  owner. 

Singling  out  Foxy  and  the  stick,  Cox 
made  for  them  with  a  sudden  spring,  punch 
ing  and  kicking  his  way  through  the  inter 
cepting  crowd  of  beggars,  who  dodged  his 
powerful  blows,  running  and  screaming.  A 
second  or  two  thereafter,  when  a  crowd  had 
collected  to  learn  the  cause  of  the  trouble, 
every  separate  member  of  the  Club  had 
made  good  his  escape,  including  the  tri 
umphant  and  grinning  Foxy,  waving  his 
spoils  of  the  battle. 

91 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  See  here/'  said  a  policeman,  pushing  his 
way  through  the  mass  of  people  toward  Cox, 
"  what  fer  is  this  disturbince,  Oi'd  like  ter 
know?" 

"  A  gang  of  hobos  has  jist  been  aroun' 
here,"  puffed  out  the  breathless  Cox,  "  try- 
in'  ter  make  trouble  an'  sayin'  I'd  have  ter 
join  der  Union  er " 

"  Oi  can't  have  no  more  av  this,"  inter 
rupted  the  bluecoat,  "  Union  er  no  Union, 
phwat  do  yer  serpose  Oi  care?  This  dis 
turbince  av  order  an'  public  traffic  ain't 
a-goin'  ter  do.  You  move  on  now  er  Oi'll 
be  after  a-runnin'  yer  in." 

"  But  dis  Union  is  a  fake,"  Cox  explained. 

"  Fake,  is  it?  Phwat  do  yer  serpose  I 
care?  You  hobos  kin  fix  it  atween  yersilves. 
Move  on,  er  Oi'll  be  runnin'  yer  in — an' 
quick." 

Almost  blinded,  in  all  truth,  by  wrath, 
swearing  and  mumbling  to  himself,   Cox 
folded   his   camp-stool   and  his  accordion, 
92 


California  Cox 


tied  his  dog  to  its  chain,  and  went  in  quest 
of  green  fields  and  corners  new.  Sam,  who 
had  remained  behind  to  listen  to  the  dia 
logue  between  the  officer  and  Cox  (it  had  all 
happened  as  he  had  foreseen  and  planned), 
approached  the  wandering  mendicant,  and 
asked  with  a  broad  grin  on  his  smug 
face : 

"  Well,  Cox,  did  you  show  the  cop  your 
card?" 

Cox  gave  his  answer  by  making  a  swift 
lunge  for  Sam,  dropping  his  camp-stool  and 
accordion  during  the  operation,  but  holding 
on  to  his  dog  tightly.  Sam  had  the  advan 
tage,  which  he  did  not  scorn  to  use,  of  a 
smaller  body  and  swifter  legs,  and  he  made 
good  his  escape.  Pete  the  Squealer  calmly 
picked  up  the  accordion,  Shirtless  Sam 
seized  the  camp-stool,  while  Hungry  Henry 
yelled : 

"  Yer  kin  git  dese  back  when  yer  joins  de 
Union." 

93 


The  Beggars'  Club 


California  Cox,  giving  vent  to  his  feelings 
in  language  fitter  for  wrath  than  publica 
tion,  continued  his  search  for  an  advan 
tageous  corner.  "  I'll  have  ter  stop,"  he 
muttered  to  himself,  "  an'  buy  a  new  accor 
dion,  fer  de  dorg  won't  do  his  turn  without 
de  music,  an'  a  new  camp-stool  besides, 
which'll  come  ter  more'n  dat  confounded 
Union  card  in  de  fust  place." 

He  hastened  to  a  department  store,  in 
vested  in  a  new  instrument,  astonished  the 
clerk  by  his  imprecations  against  it,  and 
replaced  his  camp-stool,  which  astonished 
another  clerk.  His  foot  had  barely  touched 
the  pavement  outside  when  the  voice  of 
Looney  Louis  bawled  at  his  ear : 

"  Did  yer  buy  a  Union  card  in  dere?  " 

He  turned  with  a  howl  in  the  direction  of 
the  accusing  voice,  but  in  that  surging  crowd 
he  might  as  well  have  sought  one  particular 
atom  in  the  air.  "  I'll  put  meh  hands  on  ter 
one  ef  'em  yit,"  he  muttered,  "  an'  if  I  does 
94 


California  Cox 


I'll  give  him  fer  meh  card  ter  dat  blamed 
Union ! " 

Finally  he  selected  his  corner,  one  which 
was  a  mile  or  two  removed  from  the  scene  of 
his  previous  operations,  put  his  camp-stool 
in  its  place  against  the  electric-light  post, 
tested  his  new  accordion,  and  settled  down 
to  business  with  a  vengeance,  hoping  to 
make  up  for  lost  time.  Mike  balanced  his 
lithe  body  on  his  hind  legs  to  seize  his  mas 
ter's  hat  and  pass  it  through  the  crowd  of 
mere  noon-day  idlers  and  of  busy  people 
who  stopped  for  a  second's  amusement  on 
their  way  from  one  task  to  another.  The 
grateful  sound  of  the  coin  jingling  in  Mike's 
hat  was  just  beginning  to  appease  the  mas 
ter's  wrath,  when  Blind  Bill  yelled  out,  high 
and  clear  above  the  notes  of  the  droning  ac 
cordion  : 

"  Say,  fellers,  dat  scab  Cox  is  tryin'  his 
old  flim-flam  on  de  public  ag'in." 

"  He's  a  sly  one,"  replied  Lame  Tom  from 
95 


The  Beggars'  Club 


the  fringe  of  another  group.  "  I  bet  yer  he 
ain't  so  blind  but  what  he  kin  tell  de  head 
from  de  tail  end  ef  every  coin  in  de  hat." 

"  I  knowed  him  in  Cal "  Foxy  Basket 

started,  but  he  did  not  stop  to  finish  his  ob 
servation,  for  the  burly  beggar  had  jumped 
from  his  camp-stool,  grabbing  his  dog  first, 
and  darted  in  the  direction  of  the  disturbers, 
not  in  the  least  particular  which  one  he 
should  succeed  in  capturing  first. 

The  three,  running  pell-mell  down  the 
street,  put  an  increasing  distance  between 
themselves  and  their  pursuer ;  while  the  on 
lookers  were  convulsed  with  laughter  at  the 
strange  sight  of  California  Cox,  his  breast 
still  adorned  by  the  sign  advertising  his 
blindness,  moving  so  unerringly  and  swiftly 
(Mike  in  arm)  past  truck  and  car  and  horse, 
tearing  like  mad  with  unerring  vision  after 
the  three  hobos,  discernible  now  by  their 
tattered  garments  alone.  Cox  returned, 
empty-handed,  out  of  breath  and  of  temper, 
96 


California  Cox 


to  face  the  banter  of  a  throng  increased  to 
tremendous  proportions  by  the  laughter  and 
the  uproar. 

California  Cox  had  a  good  control  of  his 
rage  when  necessity  held  the  reins  of  it,  and 
turning  a  deaf  ear  to  the  jeering  of  the  street 
wits,  he  pushed  his  way  to  the  electric-light 
post,  only  to  find  himself  minus  another  ac 
cordion  and  another  camp-stool.  To  in 
crease  his  agony — the  elements  are  as  mer 
ciless  to  the  mendicant  as  to  the  millionaire, 
and  it  never  rains  but  it  pours — another 
policeman  was  at  hand,  now  that  the  dis 
turbance  was  over,  to  bid  him  move  on  or 
to  rest  in  jail. 

"  It's  jist  a  gang  ef  hobos  an'  deir  fake 
Union,"  Cox  tried  to  explain. 

"  Union  or  no  Union,"  said  the  bluecoat, 
"  Oi  ain't  a-goin'  ter  stand  fer  no  disturb- 
ince  the  loikes  av  this.  It's  somethin'  else 
Oi  have  ter  be  doin'  besides  watchin'  hobos 
an'  settlin'  their  disputes." 
97 


The  Beggars'  Club 


California  Cox,  perplexed,  dedeviled, 
knowing  not  what  to  do  nor  whither  to  turn, 
bent  his  steps  to  his  lodging-house  in  the 
slums,  counting  that  day  lost,  the  low  de 
scending  sun  seeing  him  poorer  than  when 
it  arose,  and  resolving  to  make  some  one 
(he  sent  up  a  prayer  that  it  might  be  Sam 
the  Scribe)  meet  the  deficit. 


II 


The  Beggars'  Club  met  as  usual  that 
night  at  McQuinn's,  so  pleased  by  what  it 
had  done  during  the  day  that  the  usual 
order  of  business  was  suspended,  and  the 
time  given  over  to  the  discussion  of  each 
member's  share  in  the  first  steps  of  the  plot 
to  divorce  California  Cox  from  his  dog 
Mike.  The  laughter  was  so  loud,  the 
screams  of  merriment  so  deafening,  that  Mc- 
Quinn  left  his  retreat  behind  the  bar  and 
threatened  to  turn  the  club  out  of  doors. 
98 


California  Cox 


"  I  tell  you,"  said  Sam  the  Scribe,  when 
McQuinn's  warning  had  restored  order, 
"  Cox  will  be  here  before  another  hour  is 
over  to  take  out  a  card  and  join  the  Union. 
He's  figured  out  that  he  can't  do  business 
without  our  permission  and  this  day's  tri 
fling  has  cost  him  more  than " 

"  Will  he  bring  Mike  along?  "  interrupted 
Hungry  Henry  eagerly. 

"  You  bet,"  answered  Sam,  "  where  Cox 
goes  Mike  goes  too.  He's  afraid  to  leave — " 

"  Do  we  get  that  dorg  to-night?  "  inter 
rupted  Blind  Bill  in  his  turn. 

"  I  don't  know,"  replied  Sam  slowly,  re 
flecting;  "  to-night  may  be  a  little  soon." 

"  He'll  kill  the  hull  gang  ef  us,"  said 
Loony  Louis,  arising.  "  I'm  goin'  ter 
clean !  " 

"  An'  meh !  An'  meh !  An'  men !  "  shouted 
the  others,  following  suit. 

"  Keep  your  seats,  gents,"  ordered  Sam, 
authoritatively.  "  I  know  Cox  and  his  ways. 
99 


The  Beggars'  Club 


He'll  sue  for  peace;  he's  too  greedy  for 
money  to  spoil  our  noses  just  to  spite  his 
own." 

There  was  the  light  swing  of  the  outer 
screen  doors,  the  bark  of  a  dog,  a  heavy  foot 
step  across  the  floor ;  and  the  Beggars'  Club 
turned  to  a  man. 

"  There  he  is  now,"  said  Sam,  "  sure 
enough." 

Leading  his  dog  by  a  chain,  a  new  and 
still  heavier  stick  in  his  hand,  the  huge 
figure  of  California  Cox  wended  its  way  to 
the  center  of  the  Club's  charmed  circle. 
There  was  a  broad  smile  on  his  face,  which 
somehow  suggested  art  rather  than  the 
spontaneity  of  nature. 

"  We've  been  expecting  you,"  said  Sam 
calmly. 

"  Yer  have,  has  yer? "  grinned  Cox,  ex 
tending  his  hand  as  a  sign  of  truce,  tower 
ing  head  and  shoulders  above  the  Scribe, 
looking  as  if  he  could  have  crushed  him 
100 


California  Cox 


without  effort  between  his  thumb  and  his 
forefinger.  "Well,  Sam,  old  feller,"  he 
went  on,  still  smiling,  "  I  come  ter  take  out 
a  card." 

"  Here's  the  card,"  said  Sam,  handing 
him  a  piece  of  pasteboard  on  which  was 
written  in  red  ink: 

The  bearer,  California  Cox,  is  hereby 
permitted  to  beg  on  the  streets  of  this 
city  according  to  the  laws  and  regula 
tions  of  the  Amalgamated  Association 
of  Union  Beggars,  the  said  Cox  being  a 
legitimate  member  of  the  body  afore 
said  and  entitled  to  all  of  its  privileges. 

(Signed) 

Sam  the  Scribe,,  Sec.  and  Treas. 

"  How  much  did  yer  say  dat  was?  "  asked 
Cox,  slowly  spelling  out  the  words  of  the 
writing. 

"  Two  dollars,"  replied  Sam. 

"  What !  Two  dollars  f er  dat  bit  ef  paste- 
101 


Ille  Beggars'  Club 


board !  "  rejoined  Cox.  "  It  didn't  cost  no 
two  cents." 

"  I  know,"  said  Sam,  "  but  it's  not  the 
card  yer  paying  for;  it's  the  privileges  to 
beg  undisturbed." 

"  It's  de  first  time  in  all  meh  life  dat  I 
ever  heard  ef  a  man  payin'  ter  beg,"  objected 
Cox. 

"  Times  is  changed,  Cox." 

"  I  should  say,"  he  glared ;  "  dere's  no  sich 
thing  as  freedom  in  Amerikee  no  more.  An' 
here's  another  thing,  dat  card  don't  say 
nothin'  'bout  meh  dorg  Mike.  Is  Mike  in  de 
Union — de  Union  ef  (glancing  at  the  card) 
Amalega  Beggars?  " 

"  Amalgamated,"  corrected  Sain  suavely. 
"  No,  he  ain't ;  it's  against  the  Union  laws, 
as  I  explained  to  you  in  the  first  place,  to 
employ  animals  or  children  under  four 
teen." 

"  Why  fer?  " 

"  Well,  the  Union  is  trying  to  save  skilled 
102 


California  Cox 


American  labor  from  the  competition  of 
cheap  Dago  beggars  and  their  monkeys ;  and 
to  put  a  stop  to  children  taking  the  bread 
out  of  grown-up  folks'  mouths,  that's 
why." 

"  That's  a  pretty  law,  dat  is !  It's  a  reg>- 
lar  beaut' — it  ought  ter  wear  a  diamond  col 
lar  'round  its  neck.  What  kin  I  do  without 
de  dorg?  I  spent  a  hull  year  a-trainin' 
him." 

"  I'm  sorry,  Cox,  but " 

"  I  don't  care  a  yeller  hair  orff  ef  Mike's 
yeller  back  if  you're  sorry  er  glad  es  kin 
be !  "  he  replied,  his  anger  getting  the  better 
of  him  for  the  minute.  "  I'll  leave  fer  Cali 
fornia  ag'in  before  I  gives  up  Mike." 

"  It's  the  same  there,  Cox ;  the  Union  has 
branches  all  over." 

"  I'll  see  de  branches  an'  de  main  tree  turn 
inter  blue  grass  afore  I  gives  up  Mike.  Dat 
dorg  is  wuth  from  five  ter  ten  dollars  a  day 
anywheres." 

103 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Holy  Gee !  "  exclaimed  Hungry  Henry, 
"  an'  him  only  a  dorg." 

Sam  lifted  a  warning  finger ;  quiet  reigned 
in  the  clubroom  again.  "  I've  had  my  say, 
Cox ;  the  law  is  the  law." 

"  An'  bunco  is  bunco,"  yelled  Cox,  "  an' 
I'm  going  ter  start  work  right  here  to 
morrow  morning.  And  if  youse  fellers 
bother  me  again  I'm  going  to  make  hash 
out  ef  de  whole  crowd,  ef  it  costs  me  ninety 
days.  Do  yer  hear?  I've  a  mind  ter  start 
in  right  now !  "  And  he  showed  his  willing 
ness  to  begin  work  by  swinging  his  heavy 
stick. 

"  All  right,"  replied  Sam,  still  cool,  de 
spite  the  consternation  of  those  around  him, 
"  you  want  war,  and  you  can  have  war.  We 
just  gave  you  a  taste  of  the  power  of  the 
Amalgamated  to-day;  look  out  for  to-mor 
row  !  But  you  had  better  keep  good-natured 
and  part  friends  with  the  gang ;  this  is  only 
business  on  our  part." 
104 


California  Cox 


"  It's  mighty  bad  bizness  all  the  same/' 
said  Cox,  taking  his  anger  in  hand  and  cool 
ing  off  again. 

"  Supposing  jist  ter  show  there's  no  hard 
feelings,  dat  you  let  de  dorg  do  his  turn," 
interjected  Loony  Louis. 

"  Mike  don't  perform  unless  he's  paid," 
remarked  Cox ;  "  an'  I  lost  meh  accordion." 

"  Here  it  is,"  yelled  Hungry  Henry,  for 
getting  himself  in  his  eagerness  to  see  the 
dog  do  his  tricks,  and  handing  him  the  in 
strument. 

"  Thanks,"  said  Cox  grimly,  fingering  the 
keys,  "  an'  seein'  it's  meh  own  an'  a  new  one 
at  dat,  I  won't  bother  'bout  returnin'  it." 

Mechanically  he  began  to  play  and  me 
chanically  the  yellow  dog,  not  at  all  embar 
rassed  by  its  chain,  grabbed  his  master's 
hat,  and,  prancing  around  on  his  hind  legs, 
passed  it  from  one  member  to  the  other. 
The  beggars  were  so  delighted  with  Mike's 
sagacity,  so  infatuated  by  his  antics,  so  flat- 
105 


The  Beggars'  Club 


tered  by  the  diplomacy  which  pretended  to 
take  them  for  their  betters,  that  they  who 
had  been  mendicants  all  their  lives  long, 
turned  donors  now  and  dropped  their  coin 
into  the  extended  hat.  Mike's  dogged  deter 
mination  won  the  day  for  his  master. 

California  Cox  emptied  the  hat,  counted 
the  money  and  remarked  quietly :  "  Es  luck 
would  have  it,  meh  friends,  dere  is  jist  two 
dollars  here,  which  is  jist  enuff  ter  pay  fer 
meh  lost  camp-stool.  I'll  bid  youse  an'  de 
Amalga  Association  good-night,"  And  he 
marched  out  slowly,  leaving  the  club  breath 
less  by  his  boldness  and  his  cunning. 

"  He  beat  ye,  Sam,"  cried  the  two  twins, 
recovering  from  their  astonishment  first; 
"  him  takin'  away  de  accordion,  our  cash,  an' 
de  dorg." 

"  The  game  ain't  over,"  replied  Sam  caus 
tically ;  "  it's  just  begun." 


106 


California  Cox 


III 


Two  whole  days  passed  and  California 
Cox  went  the  usual  tenor  of  his  way  without 
let  or  hindrance  from  any  member  of  the 
club.  The  quiet  was  too  quiet  to  put  Cox  en 
tirely  at  his  ease ;  he  would  have  liked  some 
slight  disturbance,  if  only  to  prove  that  the 
club  and  Sam  were  doing  their  worst  and 
that  this  worst  was  feeble  at  its  best  The 
lull  predicted  a  tornado  that  would  break 
too  suddenly  to  allow  him  to  creep  under 
shelter. 

Cox's  soul  was  prophetic ;  for  Sam  was  by 
no  means  idle.  Angry  that  he  had  been  hu 
miliated  before  his  fellows  and  bearded  in 
his  own  den,  the  Scribe  went  to  the  unusual 
length  of  spending  his  own  money  to  wreak 
vengeance.  It  was  he  who  wrote  out  and 
paid  for  the  advertisement,  printed  in  three 
of  the  dailies,  reading :  "  California  Cox,  the 
celebrated  blind  beggar,  wishes  to  purchase 
107 


The  Beggars'  Club 


five  yellow  dogs.  Good  price  paid  for  the 
right  parties.  Apply  at  his  stand,  corner  of 
B.  and  C.  streets,  Wednesday  morning  at 
ten." 

"  That  will  give  Cox  two  days  to  think 
nothing  is  wrong,"  explained  Sam  to  his 
comrades,  "  and  you  fellows  want  to  keep 
away  from  him  or  you  will  spoil  it  all.  Meet 
me  on  Wednesday  morning  and  we'll  have 
that  dog  or  my  name  ain't  Sam." 

As  early  as  half-past  nine  on  Wednesday 
morning  the  members  of  the  Club  assembled 
at  Cox's  corner,  watching,  in  silent  satisfac 
tion,  the  number  of  yellow  dogs  increase  as 
the  minutes  went  on.  Loony  Louis  and  Deaf 
Dan  and  Blind  Bill  and  Lame  Tom  and  Sam 
himself  had  a  yellow  cur  under  his  arm ;  but 
these  five  canines  were  mere  dots  in  the 
growing  sea  of  yellow. 

No  one  would  have  believed  that  the  popu 
lous  city  sheltered  so  many  dogs  of  that  one 
hue.  There  were  boys  there  with  yellow 
108 


California  Cox 


dogs,  men  with  yellow  dogs,  women  with  yel 
low  dogs,  and  girls  with  yellow  dogs ;  all,  it 
is  true,  were  not  particular  about  the  differ 
ence  of  a  shade  or  two  in  color,  and  many  of 
the  canines  might  have  passed  muster  for 
brown,  and  some  few  had  black;  but  since 
the  advertiser  was  blind  and  a  beggar,  the 
owners  argued  that  he  could  not  detect  the 
deceit,  and  if  he  did,  beggars  not  being 
choosers,  he  ought  not  to  complain.  There 
were  big  dogs  and  small  dogs,  St.  Bernards 
and  pugs,  bulldogs  and  fox-terriers — every 
breed  of  dog  that  showed  a  streak  of  yellow 
within  or  a  dab  of  yellow  without. 

The  city  editors  of  two  of  the  papers  had 
their  attention  called  to  the  odd  advertise 
ment  by  the  business  office,  and  several  re 
porters  were  on  hand,  wondering  and  eager 
for  a  "  story."  The  barking  and  yelping  of 
the  dogs,  the  odd  assembly  of  fanciers,  at 
tracted  a  crowd,  and  it  was  difficult  for 
those  who  came  to  sell  to  pick  their  way 
109 


The  Beggars'  Club 


through  the  still  greater  throng  of  those  who 
came  merely  to  see. 

Long  before  the  patient  Cox  refused  to 
purchase  yellow  dogs  from  clamorous 
owners  who  wished  to  sell,  he  began  to  scent 
mischief  and  he  knew  from  what  evil  quar 
ter  the  bad  odor  came.  When  the  thirteenth 
man  came  along  with  the  thirteenth  dog  and 
Cox  had  said,  "  No,  go  along  wid  yer  dorg," 
for  the  thirteenth  time  (always  an  unlucky 
number) ,  he  lost  his  temper  and  he  swore  he 
would  cuff  the  fourteenth.  The  fourteenth 
happened  to  be  more  stalwart  of  frame  and 
more  persistent  in  character  than  any  of  his 
predecessors,  and  he  urged  and  urged  the 
superior  points  of  his  yellow  dog  over  all 
others,  until  the  persecuted  Cox  flew  into  a 
rage  and  struck  at  him  and  the  fancier 
struck  back,  and  all  of  the  thirteen  others 
who  had  been  refused  and  those  without 
number  who  feared  they  would  have  their 
trouble  for  their  pains  pitched  in  and  went 
110 


California  Cox 


tooth  and  nail  for  Cox  and  his  assailant,  not 
knowing  one  from  the  other. 

"  Now's  our  time  at  last,"  whispered  Sam 
the  Scribe  to  his  band  of  conspirators,  and 
they  rushed  in,  3Telling  and  screaming,  and 
the  mob,  following  suit,  rushed  in  with  them, 
so  that  there  was  nothing  but  a  tangle  of  yel 
low  dogs  and  men  and  boys  and  women  and 
girls.  That  corner  never  witnessed  such  a 
pandemonium,  and  it  is  much  to  be  doubted 
if  it  will  ever  witness  another. 

"  Take  Cox's  dog  and  tie  yours  in  its  place 
to  the  post,"  yelled  Sam  to  Hungry  Henry. 
And  Henry  did  as  he  was  bade  in  no  more 
time  than  it  took  to  do  the  bidding. 

"Kill  him!  Stop  thief!  He's  takin' 
Mike,  meh  dorg !  "  thundered  Cox,  freeing 
himself  at  last  with  one  supreme  effort  from 
the  mixture  of  dogs  and  men  that  were  pin 
ioning  his  arms,  caving  his  ribs  and  snap 
ping  at  his  big  calves. 

"  I'll  choke  yer !  "  roared  Cox,  striding  for 
ill 


The  Beggars'  Club 


Hungry  Henry;  but  Henry,  with  a  calm 
grin,  wheeled  suddenly,  and  passed  Mike 
Cox  on  to  Blind  Bill,  who,  handing  him  his 
own  poor  yellow  cur  in  return,  tossed  the 
pride  of  Cox's  heart  to  Lame  Tom,  who,  toss 
ing  his  cur  back  to  Bill,  whirled  Mike  Cox 
through  the  air  to  Loony  Louis,  who  formed 
the  connecting  link  between  Deaf  Dan  and 
Lame  Tom. 

So  bewildered  was  California  Cox  by  the 
maneuver  that  he  paused  as  if  paralyzed, 
unable  to  tell  his  own  carefully  bred  and 
trained  animal  from  the  continual  whirl  of 
yellow  tails  and  backs  and  legs  of  worthless 
curs  that  went  barking  and  yelping  from  the 
hands  of  one  of  the  conspirators  into  the 
hands  of  the  other;  and  to  make  matters 
worse,  if  that  were  possible,  the  crowd  was 
adding  to  his  bewilderment  and  its  own 
amusement  by  flinging  its  own  unsalable 
mongrels  into  the  maze  started  by  the  beg 
gars.  Even  two  officers  of  the  law  who  had 
112 


California  Cox 


come  to  make  arrests  remained  to  burst  their 
sides  with  laughter. 

California  Cox,  recovering  from  his  par 
alysis  as  suddenly  as  he  had  been  seized  by 
it,  let  forth  a  demoniac  yell  and  made  a  mad 
dash  for  Deaf  Dan  at  the  moment  when  he 
thought  his  dog  Mike,  traveling  through  the 
circuit,  had  landed  in  Dan's  extended  hands. 

"  I'll  pound  yer  inter  a  ball  smaller  en  de 
dorg !  "  roared  Cox. 

"  Join  the  Union/-  yelled  Dan  in  return, 
starting  to  run. 

The  officers,  seeing  the  time  for  inter 
ference  had  come,  regained  their  lost 
gravity  and  seized  both  Cox  and  Deaf  Dan. 

"  He's  got  meh  dorg !  "  gasped  Cox ;  "  ar 
rest  him." 

"  It  ain't  his  dog,  it's  mine,"  retorted  Dan. 
"  He  advertised  to  buy  it  and  now  he's 
scheming  to  get  it  for  nothing." 

"  Clear  out ! "  ordered  the  bluecoats ; 
"  take  your  curs  and  get  away  from  this  or 
113 


The  Beggars'  Club 


we'll  pull  for  the  patrol  and  run  the  mob  av 
yese  in." 

"  But  it's  meh  dorg — meh  trick  dorg,  meh 
Mike !  "  yelled  Cox,  beside  himself. 

"  Well,  thin,"  said  one  of  the  police,  "  take 
another  and  go  home.  You  don't  ixpict  us 
to  be  a-pickin'  out  yer  yiller  dog  from  this 
howling  bunch,  do  yer?  Grab  one  an'  git 
out  av  this,  an'  be  quick,  er  Orll  run  yer  in 
an'  sind  ye  over." 

The  members  of  the  club  scattered  in 
every  direction,  one  one  way,  one  another,  io 
order  that  they  might  confuse  Cox  if  he 
should  start  in  pursuit.  When  Sam  the 
Scribe  took  enough  courage  to  pause  and 
look  around  he  saw  Deaf  Dan  and  Loony 
Louis  racing  side  by  side  along  the  ground, 
the  huge  figure  of  Cox  but  a  few  yards  be 
hind.  Suddenly  Dan  and  Louis  changed 
dogs  and  parted  their  ways.  Cox,  borrow 
ing  speed  from  rage,  hurtled  after  Louis, 
gaining  on  the  trembling  beggar  with  every 
114 


California  Cox 


step.  In  his  confusion  Louis  flung  the  cov 
eted  prize  on  the  ground,  hoping  that  Cox 
might  be  so  overwhelmed  by  the  recovery  of 
his  favorite  that  he  would  give  up  the  chase 
and  let  him  escape;  but  the  California  giant, 
swooping  down  on  the  yellow  cur  that  fell 
from  Louis'  terrorized  arm,  gave  vent  to  a 
yell  of  despair,  and  then,  doubling  his  pace, 
flew  down  the  alley  into  which  the  trembling 
Louis  had  turned. 

Heartless  and  hopeless,  for  a  reason  un 
known  even  to  himself,  seeing  no  other  loop 
hole,  the  wretched  Louis  opened  the  cover  of 
an  empty  ash-box  and  plunged  himself, 
ostrich-like,  head  foremost  into  its  depths. 
Cox  saw  the  strategem,  tore  the  cover  open 
and  hauled  Louis  out  by  the  nape  of  his 
neck. 

"  Didn't  yer  git  yer  dorg?  "  whimpered 
Louis. 

"  Yes,  I  got  meh  dorg,"  hissed  Cox,  tight 
ening  his  hold. 

115 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"I'm  glad  ef  it,"  whined  Louis;  "I  did 
meh  best  ter  take  him  fer  yer !  " 

"Yer  did,  eh?  Well,  I  'predate  yer 
efforts.  Take  dis  an'  take  dat  fer  meh 
thanks ;  but  since  yer  didn't  take  de  right 
dorg,  take  dis  an'  take  dat  for  meh  regrits. 
Don't  scream  'cause  dey're  too  light.  I'll 
make  'eni  harder  an'  harder." 

"  Hold  on,"  moaned  Louis ;  "  maybe  I  kin 
git  de  right  dorg  back  from  Sam;  he 
knows -" 

Cox  ceased  his  blows  for  a  second,  con 
sidering.  "  No,  yer  don't,"  he  muttered ; 
"  one  trick  '11  do  meh  fer  to-day.  Youse  is  a 
slippery  lot,  an'  I'll  take  de  grease  out  ef  yer, 
one  by  one,  as  I  get  yer!  Take  dis  fer  de 
Amalga  Association  ef  combined  double- 
dealers,  an'  here's  an  extree  nice  one  fer 
yerself." 

"  Look  behind  yer,  Cox ! "  yelled  Louis 
suddenly,  his  wits  growing  stronger  as  his 
strength  decreased.  "  The  cops  is  comin'.'; 
116 


^^    ,*^, 

"**      ^     •         /      /         •  { 

\ 


California  Cox 


California  Cox,  for  whom  the  word  "  cop  " 
had  an  ominous  ring,  releasing  his  grip  on 
Louis,  turned  to  look,  and  found  that  noth 
ing  but  a  long  vista  of  alley  met  his  fright 
ened  gaze.  Louis  seized  advantage  of  that 
moment  as  if  it  comprised  the  rest  of  his  life 
and  he  spurted  down  the  alley  at  a  rate  with 
which  his  legs,  inspired  by  a  lesson  and  a 
warning,  had  never  moved  before.  It  was 
the  vengeance  of  one  man  staked  against  the 
life  and  limb  of  another,  and  baffled  ven 
geance,  in  the  shape  of  Cax,  found  itself 
looking  at  the  top  of  a  fence  over  which  the 
terrorized  Louis  had  leaped. 

"  I've  a-traveled  thru  dis  country  from 
California  ter  Maine,"  murmured  Cox,  com 
pelled  to  admiration,  "  but  dose  fellers  takes 
de  blue  ribbon  fer  work  along  deir  line.  If 
Mike  wasn't  gone,  I'd  give  up  an'  steer  clear 
of  deir  district;  but  I'll  get  Mike  back  to 
night  at  McQuinn's  or  I'll  turn  Sam  de 
Scribe  inter  insect  powder." 
117 


The  Beggars'  Club 


IV 


Looney  Louis  was  barely  able  to  crawl 
into  McQuinn's  that  night  to  attend  the 
hasty  consultation  of  the  Beggars7  Club. 

"  Never  mind,"  consoled  Mollbuzzer,  look 
ing  commiseratingly  at  Louis'  bandaged  eye 
and  arm  and  neck;  "  It  '11  help  yer  con 
siderable  in  beggin'." 

"  I'm  a-telling  youse,"  mumbled  Louis  in 
return,  "  dat  only  fer  dat  fence  meh  beggin' 
days  would  be  over.  Oh,  but  she  was  a 
pretty  jump !  A  man  kin  only  do  dat  oncet 
in  his  life,  an'  in  de  mornin'  I'm  goin'  ter 
crawl  aroun'  dere  an'  look  at  de  fence  ag'in 
an'  study  how  I  done  it," 

"  Never  mind,  Louis,"  smiled  Sam  the 
Scribe,  "  one  twenty-fifth  interest  in  the  dog 
is  yours.  When  Cox  comes  around  to-night 
you  can " 

"  I'm  goin'  right  now,"  exclaimed  Louis. 
"  Yer  don't  ketch  meh  anywheres  near  him 
118 


California  Cox 


where  dere  ain't  a  fence  aroun'  an'  a  high 
one.  He's  a  most  terruble  feller!  Good 
night,  gents."  And  no  amount  of  persua 
sion  could  prevail  upon  Louis  to  be  at  hand 
to  greet  Cox. 

"  Does  yer  think  he'll  come,  Sam,  sure 
enuff?"  asked  Hungry  Henry. 

"  We  got  the  dog,  ain't  we?  "  asked  Sam 
by  way  of  answer. 

"  Yes,"  replied  Henry ;  "  he's  one  ef  de 
two  tied  dere  in  de  corner  to  de  leg  ef  de 
table." 

"  Well,  then,  Cox  will  be  here." 

"  But  what  will  he  do  ter  us? "  asked 
Blind  Bill. 

"  I'm  no  fortune-teller,"  said  Sam,  "  but 
it's  only  common-sense  to  suppose  that  he'll 
try  persuasion  to  get  the  dog  back,  and  that 
failing " 

"  He'll  try  our  necks,"  interrupted  Moll- 
buzzer. 

"  Maybe,"  went  on  Sam,  undisturbed, 
119 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  but  I  don't  believe  it.  We  have  him 
scared  to  death,  and  he  don't  know  what 
we're  going  to  do  next.  He'll  accept  our 
terms,  sue  for  peace,  join  the  club,  and  let  us 
share  and  share  alike  in  the  earnings  of  the 
dog.  Leave  me  to  handle  him  when  he 
comes  in.  One  of  you  fellers  had  better 
take  Mike  Cox  and  throw  him  inside  of  the 
barrel  in  the  back  yard ;  and  don't  forget  to 
put  a  stone  on  top  of  the  cover." 

"  Which  of  the  two  dorgs  is  Mike  Cox?  " 
asked  One-armed  Jake. 

"  Dis  one,"  said  Crutch  McAllister,  point 
ing  to  the  larger  of  the  two. 

"No  it  ain't!"  yelled  Mollbuzzer;  "it's 
de  other  one." 

Sam  eyed  the  two  dogs  for  a  few  minutes 
and  scratched  his  head.  "  Mollbuzzer  is 
right,"  said  he ;  "  it's  the  smaller  one." 

"  Well,"  said  Deaf  Dan,  "  we  got  mixed 
up  in  the  shuffle  of  yellow  dogs  and  so  we 
carried  away  two." 

120 


California  Cox 


"  That  was  right/'  asserted  Sam ;  "  it's  al 
ways  best  to  be  sure."  He  was  by  no  means 
sure  himself,  but  he  dared  not  say  so. 

"Will  we  let  de  big  dorg  go?"  asked 
Squint-eye. 

Sam  remained  lost  in  thought  for  a  second 
or  two.  Squint-eye  repeated  his  query. 

"  Put  Mike,  the  little  dog,  inside  of  the 
box  against  the  wall,  and  put  the  big  dog 
outside  in  the  barrel,"  ordered  Sam. 

Sam's  command  had  scarcely  been  com 
plied  with  when  the  screen  doors  were  flung 
open  and  California  Cox  entered.  The  club 
retreated  into  various  corners,  each  member 
looking  anxiously  for  a  free  inch  or 
two  wherein  to  squirm,  to  dodge,  or  to 
run. 

Sam's  heart  fell  when  he  saw  that  Cox's 
face,  somber  and  hard  set,  wore  no  sem 
blance  of  even  a  pretended  friendship;  and 
for  the  first  time  he  feared  that  in  the  flush 
of  victory  he  had  overestimated  his  own 
121 


The  Beggars'  Club 


powers  and  the  sacrifices  that  Cox  would 
make  for  the  sake  of  peace. 

"  Well,"  started  California  Cox,  laying  his 
stick  down  on  the  table  with  a  thump ;  "  I 
don't  see  de  cadger  I  laid  hold  ef  dis  after 
noon,  an'  I  wants  ter  see  him  bad.  I  hates 
ter  leave  a  job  half  done  an'  I  wants  ter  put 
de  finishin'  touches  on  ter  him.  But  you'll 
do  in  his  place,  Sam,"  he  shouted,  wheeling 
suddenly  and  grasping  the  Scribe  by  the 
throat,  "  You'll  do  ter  begin  on,  den  I'll 
lay  out  de  others.  Dey  kin  choose  turns." 

The  members,  without  the  waste  of  a 
second's  time,  made  for  the  back  door,  the 
front  door,  and  the  windows,  each  picturing 
himself  in  Sam's  place,  and  none  of  them 
liking  the  picture. 

"  I  guess  neither  Sam  er  de  dorg  '11  ber- 
long  to  de  club  no  more  when  we  gets  back," 
whispered  One-armed  Jake  to  Foxy  Basket, 
on  the  run. 

"  I'd  like  ter  help  Sam,"  replied  Foxy  in 
122 


California  Cox 


subdued  tones,  "  an'  so  I  would  ef  I  was 
made  out  ef  Injee-rubber.  Poor  Sam ;  what 
good  is  all  his  learnkf  an'  eddication  now?  ' 

McQuinn,  seeing  the  peril  in  which  Sam 
stood,  left  his  bar  and  swaggered  up  to  Cox. 
"  See  here,''  he  said,  doubling  his  fist,  "  I 
ain't  goin'  ter  have  nothin'  like  dis  goin'  on 
in  meh  place." 

V  It's  yer  place,  is  it?  "  asked  Cox,  hold 
ing  Sam  by  his  left  hand,  freeing  his  right. 

"  It  is,"  replied  McQuinn,  "  an'  it  ain't  big 
enuff  fer  ter  hold  both  ef  us." 

"  Den  one  ef  us  gets  out,"  shouted  Cox, 
landing  a  blow  on  the  saloon-keeper's  chin 
that  sent  him  to  the  floor,  dazed  and  useless 
for  combat. 

"  Now,  Sam,"  muttered  Cox,  jamming  the 
Scribe  against  the  wall,  "  I'm  ready  ter  give 
yer  meh  free  and  undiwided  attention. 
Dere's  a  hole  in  de  wall,  I  sees ;  and  I  don't 
know  but  what  I'll  make  yer  inter  plaster 
ter  fill  it.  Yer'd  make  a  smooth  grade  ef 
123 


The  Beggars'  Club 


plaster,  wouldn't  yer,  eh?"  he  asked,  twist 
ing  Sam's  ear  until  he  shrieked  from  pain. 
"Yer  agrees  ter  de  propersition,  I  sees. 
Well,  we'll  let  it  hang  fire  fer  a  minute  until 
we  finds  Mike." 

"  He's  in  the  box  there,"  gasped  the  Scribe, 
white  as  the  material  into  which  Cox  threat 
ened  to  turn  him. 

"A  nice  place  fer  him,  eh?  Inside  ef  a 
box!  Wanted  ter  suffocate  him,  eh?  I'll 
take  him  out  fust  an'  put  yer  in  aterwards. 
Yer  needn't  yell  wid  fear;  I'll  see  dat  yer 
fits." 

With  such  gentle  speech  did  Cox  throw 
rather  than  drag  the  palpitating  mass  which 
was  Sam  over  to  the  box,  and  holding  the 
Scribe  with  his  right  he  threw  the  cover  of 
the  soap-box  off  with  his  left 

California  Cox  let  forth  a  war-cry  that 

awoke  the  Scribe  from  his  dumb  terror  and 

threw  him  into  an  active  state  of  pain,  the 

like  of  which  he  had  never  experienced  be- 

124 


California  Cox 


fore,  nor  was  it  the  first  time,  either,  that 
the  wily  Scribe  had  found  himself  in  pre 
dicaments  of  somewhat  the  same  nature. 

"  So  yer  would  palm  dat  miserable  yeller 
cur  off  fer  meh  Mike,  would  yer?  Still  up 
ter  yer  tricks,  eh?  Tricks  is  natural  ter  yer, 
eh?  Yer'd  make  a  fine  trick  dorg  yerself, 
yer  would.  Fm  goin  ter  learn  yer  ater  a 
while;  but  afore  we  begins  yer  eddication 
bring  out  Mike  Cox,  or  I'm  afraid  dere  won't 
be  blood  enough  left  ter  supply  yer  tricky 
brain." 

"  He's  in  the  barrel  outside — near  the 
back  door,"  moaned  Sam.  "  I  put  him  in 
there." 

"  In  a  barrel,  eh?  Put  him  in  dere  same 
as  if  he  was  merlasses.  Mighty  nice  ef  yer, 
dat  was !  I'll  do  de  same  by  you.  I'll  put  yer 
in,  a  little  bit  at  a  time.  I'll  label  it  Arnalga 
Union  an'  roll  it  inter  de  river,"  he  com 
mented  tenderly  as  he  dragged  and  bumped 
and  thumped  Sam  into  the  yard. 
125 


The  Beggars'  Club 


"  Mike,  oh  Mike,"  called  California  Cox, 
and  then  he  whistled.  There  came  an  an 
swering  bark  through  the  darkness  of  the 
littered  yard  from  the  direction  in  which  the 
barrel  stood.  "  Thanks  be  ter  Gawd,"  cried 
Cox,  throwing  up  both  his  arms.  "  At 
last!" 

Sam  re-echoed  the  sentiment. 

In  the  excitement  of  finding  his  long-lost 
treasure — one  might  almost  say  his  long-lost 
child,  so  dear  and  necessary  had  that  dog 
become  to  his  existence — Cox  forgot  Sam 
and  rushed  for  the  barrel.  The  Scribe,  in 
his  excitement  forgetting  Cox,  crawled 
through  the  yard  and  into  the  saloon  on  all 
fours,  like  a  cat. 

Not  two  seconds  thereafter  Cox  rushed 
into  the  saloon  carrying  the  dog  in  his  arms, 
but  when  the  rays  of  light  from  the  oil  lamp 
fell  on  the  yellow  bundle,  curled  closely 
against  his  broad  chest,  he  flung  it  away  with 
an  oath  of  surprise  and  rage. 
126 


California  Cox 


"  It  ain't  Mike/'  he  yelled.  "  Mike  had  a 
small  white  star  on  his  head." 

"  Maybe  Sam  stole  the  star,"  whimpered 
McQuinn,  shaking  in  his  boots,  supporting 
his  wrenched  chin  on  his  right  hand. 

California  Cox  caught  sight  of  Sam  the 
Scribe  stealing  past  the  front  window  of  the 
saloon,  and  he  was  at  the  threshold  wTith  a 
leap,  only  to  bump  squarely  against  the  form 
of  Loony  Louis,  who  was  fondling  a  small 
yellow  dog  and  peeping  into  the  saloon 
timidly. 

"  Don't  yer  kill  ineh,  Cox,"  pleaded  Louis, 
seeing  the  utter  impossibility  of  escape ;  "  I 
jist  come  here  on  purpose  fer  ter  bring  yer 
de  dorg  back." 

"  It's  Mike  Cox  an'  no  mistake  dis  time," 
cried  Cox  with  delight.  He  loosened  his 
tight  grasp  on  Louis'  bandaged  neck. 

"I  don't  git  killed  den?"  asked  Louis 
hopefully. 

"  No,"  answered  Cox ;  "  I  guess  1  ham- 
127 


The  Beggars'  Club 


mered  yer  enough  fer  one  day,  an'  seem'  yer 
brung  de  dorg  back  yer  kin  go." 

"  Don't  I  git  no  riward?  "  whined  Louis. 

"  Kiward !  "  shouted  Cox,  dumfounded ; 
"  I'd  like  ter  know  fer  what?  Fer  stealin' 
de  dorg,  maybe !  " 

"  I  didn't  steal  him,"  replied  Louis  indig 
nantly  ;  "  I  finds  him  barkin'  'round  yer 
lodgin'-house  when  I  was  a-goin'  home  an'  I 
grabs  him,  thinkin'  it  might  be  Mike  Cox." 

"  Yer  gittin'  yer  neck  fer  a  riward,  an'  if 
it  ain't  enuff "  Cox  doubled  his  big  fist. 

"  I  s'pose  it  '11  have  ter  do,"  muttered 
Louis,  crawling  off. 


128 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 


THE  AUTOBIOGRAPHY 
OF   A  BEGGAR 

i 

I    COMES    INTER  BE  WORLD 

Bein'  de  account  ef  how  meh  reserches 
in  Hebrew  brung  meh  ter  de  study  ef  anter- 
polergy. 

I  WAS  born — well,  what's  de  use  ef  putt-in' 
down  what  everyone  knows?  I  wras  born 
an'  dat  settles  it.  I  don't  know  de  day  nor 
de  year,  but  what  has  dat  got  ter  do  wid  it, 
anyways?  De  main  fact  is  dat  I  was  born. 
Ef  I  had  ter  do  it  over  ag'in  I  might  change 
meh  mind,  but  bein'  born  an'  dyin'  is  w^here 
beggars  comes  in  even  wid  millionaires. 
Did  yer  ever  stop  fer  ter  think  dat  de  only 
diff runce  twixt  men  is  what  dey  does  atween 
de  time  dey  is  born  an'  die?  We  is  all  born 
equal  an'  we  dies  equal,  but  we  don't  live 
equal.  Hurrah  fer  equality!  Anyways,  I 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

am  forty  years  old,  er  I  ought  ter  be;  I  kin 
tell  dat  'cause  I  can't  be  ten,  and  I'm  too  old 
ter  be  twinty,  an'  I  must  have  been  thirty 
a  long  time  ago.  Forty  is  a  good  place  ter 
stop  orff,  an'  I'm  goin'  ter  let  it  go  at  dat. 
Not  ter  know  yer  age  is  a  good  way  ter  keep 
young,  eh?  I  rekomind  it  ter  wimens.  Oh, 
wimens,  giddy  wimens,  joy  ef  a,  man's  folly, 
as  de  poet  says — but  dey  comes  later  in  de 
story. 

Where  was  I  born?  I  don't  know  ef  it's 
any  ef  your  perticuler  bizness,  but  it  bein' 
dat  I'm  writin'  meh  histree  fer  de  sake  ef  a 
anterpolergist  an'  his  noble  coin  (which 
comes  in  furder  on)  I  don't  mind  sayin'  I 
was  born  in  a  alley  ef  Chicago  on  de  big 
West  Side.  Ef  yer  kin  find  dat  alley  yer 
pretty  smart — smarter  en  meh — 'cause  dey 
have  carted  it  orff  long  ago  an'  thrown  it 
inter  de  lake.  Maybe  dey  done  dat  in  meh 
honor,  an'  maybe  dey  done  it  'cause  dey 
needed  de  space.  Yer  kin  take  yer  pick. 
132 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


Meh  mother  was  a  Irish  washerwoman  an' 
meh  father  was  a  German  by  profession  afore 
he  come  ter  Amerikee.  His  trade  was  ter 
watch  meh  mother  work  an7  ter  lick  me.  He 
didn't  work  no  union  hours  at  either  end. 
Dey  give  meh  a  grand  eddication,  startin' 
meh  out  early  in  life  wid  a  baskut  on  meh 
arm  ter  bring  home  what  I  could.  I  stoled 
oncet  an'  dey  licked  meh — fer  not  stealin' 
more  when  I  had  de  chanct.  (I'm  goin' 
back  an'  scratch  dis  part  out ) 

I  ain't  told  yer  meh  name  yet,  fer  de  fact 
is  dat  yer  jist  ez  well  orff  ef  yer  don't  know 
it,  an'  I've  got  one  eye  on  de  perlice  while 
I'm  writin'  dis,  which  ain't  comfertuble. 
Sam  de  Scribe  says  bein'  a  literary  guy  ain't 
no  snap,  an'  Sam  knows  more  en  a  cross 
eyed  cow,  I'm  a-tellin'  youse.  Meh  real  name 
is  George  Schwarz,  I  t'ink;  but  I've 
changed  meh  name  so  often  accordin'  ter  cir 
cumstances  dat  I  ain't  sure  ef  I'm  right. 
It's  a  funny  world,  eh?  Seems  yer  got  ter 
133 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

have  a  name  same  ez  a  dog  er  de  number  ef 
a  house.  Dey  named  de  first  man  Adam 
an'  ever  since  den  we  took  names  ter  be  in 
line.  Style  and  fashun  is  responsible  fer 
all  meh  woes. 

I  was  arristed  oncet  (oncet?  Ha!  Ha!), 
an'  de  jidge  axes  meh  what  was  meh  name. 
"  I  ain't  got  none,"  I  says. 

"  Thirty  days  fer  havin'  no  name,"  he 
says. 

"  Please,  yer  honor,"  I  pipes  up,  "  meh 
name  is  Mollbuzzer." 

"  Twinty  more  fer  contimpt  ef  court,"  he 
says. 

Well,  meh  secret  is  out,  so  I  might  ez  well 
tell  yer  meh  name  is  Mollbuzzer.  It's  a 
name  what  thieves  calls  a  feller  what  picks 
wimen's  pockets  and  bothers  wimens  in  gin- 
eralj  Moll,  meanin'  wimens,  I  guess;  an' 
Buzzer,  like  all  names,  explainin'  itself.  It 
ain't  pretty,  I  admit;  but  it  was  guv  meh 
agin  meh  will  an'  I  ain't  complainin'  none, 
134 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


fer  it  might  hav'  been  worse;  but  I  don't 
see  how.  I  don't  want  yer  ter  think  I  ever 
picked  a  pot-ket,  fer  ter  tell  yer  de  truth,  it's 
a  slick  trick  an'  I  never  could  get  on  ter  it, 
an'  I'm  too  honest,  anywrays.  I  was  pinched 
oncet  fer  tryin',  an'  I  left  it  alone  ever  since. 
Dear  reader,  do  likewise.  Yer  must 
have  rubber  fingers  ter  pick  pockets,  an' 
begin  practicin'  young.  It's  a  inborn 
gift  like  writin'  poetree  er  paintin'  a  pict- 
shure  er  bein'  a  carpinter,  an'  dere's  no 
use  ef  cryin'  ef  yer  ain't  born  dat  way. 
Meh  motto  in  life  is,  ef  yer  can't  get  what 
yer  want,  don't  sit  down  an'  cry,  but  jist  go 
an'  grab  it. 

I  must  tell  yer  how  I  come  to  write  de 
sweet  story  ef  meh  life,  'cause  I  ain't  a-doin' 
it  fer  fun.  It  come  about  all  along  ef  goin' 
in  de  public  libraree  fer  ter  read  a  book. 
"  Yeagers,"  which  is  de  English  fer  beggars, 
likes  librarees  in  winter,  'cause  dey  is 
warmer  en  de  weather,  an'  'cause  yer  kin 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

git  a  nice  big  book,  hide  yer  head  ahint  it 
an'  go  ter  sleep  widout  payin'  fer  yer  bed. 
De  day  I  went  in  it  was  colder  en  a  corpse, 
an'  dere  was  nothin'  doin'  on  de  street,  no 
one  bein'  out  ter  see  how  deir  breath  looked. 

So  I  goes  inter  de  riference-room  an'  I 
says  ter  de  cove  wid  a  blue  coat  at  de  desk, 
"  Bring  me  a  book."  An'  he  looks  at  meh 
sharp  an'  he  says : 

"  What  kind  ef  a  book?  " 

"  A  histree  book,"  says  I,  thinkin'  ez  dey 
must  be  de  biggest,  'count  ef  histree  bein' 
so  long. 

"  What  kind  ef  a  histree  book?  "  says  he. 

"  United  States  histree,"  says  I. 

"  Which  one?  "  axes  he. 

"  Is  dere  more  en  one?  "  axes  I. 

"  Sure  dere  is,"  says  he,  laffin'. 

"Well,"  says  I,  "bring  me  de  biggest." 

An'  he  goes  orff  a-laffin',  an'  soon  he  comes 

back  wid  de  histree,  an'  I  carries  it  to  de 

desk  an'  starts  ter  read  de  pictshures.    Den 

136 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


I  finds  a  piece  'bout  George  Washington 
which  wasn't  so  slow,  an'  I  reads  dak 
George  was  a  iligent  gineral  an'  a  good 
Prisidint,  considerin'  he  come  first.  Den 
I  finds  a  piece  'bout  a  duck  named  Aleck 
Hamilton,  who,  so  a  feller  named  Dan  Web 
ster  says,  "  hit  de  rock  ef  national  finances 
wid  de  rod  of  wisdom"  an'  made  money  come 
out  ef  it  when  de  countree  an'  George  Wash 
ington  was  hard  up.  But  I  don't  believe 
dat — no,  not  men.  Aleck,  I  guess,  would 
have  made  a  better  hobo  en  George,  seein' 
he  was  so  good  at  comin'  games.  Well,  I 
started  ter  write  meh  own  histree  an'  not  de 
histree  ef  Amerikee;  but  I  come  on  ter  a 
part  'bout  a  cove  named  Aaron  Burr,  who 
was  at  de  head  ef  all  ef  7em  when  it  came  ter 
de  playin'  ef  games. 

De  first  thing  Aaron  done  was  ter  put 

Aleck  Hamilton  out  ef  bizness  wid  a  gun, 

an'  den  he  comes  de  rock  and  rod  game  his- 

self ;  but  de  peepul  bein'  on  ter  de  trick,  he 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

gives  it  up  ter  grab  de  Mississippi  Kiver, 
but  dey  catches  him,  an'  it  was  all  over  wid 
poor  old  Aaron.  He  had  ter  skip  ter  Paris 
an'  live  on  cold  victuals  de  same  ez  us.  His- 
tree  teaches  dat  dere  ain't  no  game  what 
ain't  been  played  long  ago. 

Well,  I  reads  on  a  bit  an'  falls  asleep, 
a-dreamin'  I  was  Aleck  Hamilton  hittin'  de 
rock  wid  meh  little  rod  an'  tellin'  de  peepul 
like  dis :  "  Feller-citizens,  each  ef  youse  kin 
step  up  an'  give  me  one  little  dime;  den  I 
will  hit  de  rock  wid  meh  rod  an'  make  de 
coin  bubble,  an'  each  of  youse  gets  a  big 
silver  dollar.  Ef  de  rock  don't  work  yer 
gits  de  dime  back.  Step  up,  feller-citizens, 
an'  git  rich  quick.  De  first  guy  an'  dime 
takes  two  silver  dollars." 

An'  de  feller-citizens,  never  havin'  been 
done  dat  way  yet,  bein'  still  young  an'  inner- 
cent,  steps  up  lively  an'  hands  meh  a  nice 
lot  ef  new  dimes,  which  I  was  puttin'  in  meh 
pocket,  when  someone  grabs  meh,  an'  I 
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I  Comes  inter  de  World 


swings  meh  rod,  thinkin'  lie  was  a-goin'  ter 
take  de  dimes  away  from  meh,  an'  I  wakes 
up.  It  was  de  libraree  cove  wid  de  blue 
coat. 

"What  are  yer  doin'?"  he  says.  "  Dis 
ain't  no  lodgin'-house;  yer  can't  sleep  in 
here!" 

"  I  wasn't  sleepin',"  I  says,  mad  at  him 
fer  comin'  along  when  de  dimes  was  all 
mine,  "  I  was  only  a-thinkin'." 

"  Well,  yer  makes  a  awful  noise  when  yer 
thinks,"  he  says. 

"  I  was  thinkin'  about  Aleck  Hamilton  hit- 
tin'  de  rock,"  I  says. 

"  I  don't  care,"  he  says,  lookin'  puzzled. 
"  I'll  have  ter  put  yer  out  ef  yer  sleep  ag'in." 

"Can't  a  feller  t'ink?"  I  grumbles,  an' 
he  goes  orff  back  ef  his  desk,  an'  I  goes  back 
arter  him  an'  says : 

"  I'd  like  anudder  histree  book — a  very 
old  histree  book — de  older  de  better,"  fer  I 
wanted   ter  see   what   sort  ef  games  dey 
139 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

played  in  de  times  afore  George  Washington 
was  born. 

De  cove  in  de  blue  coat  grins  an'  he  says, 
"  De  oldest  histree  book  we  got  is  in  He 
brew." 

"  Good,  dat  sounds  ez  old  ez  old  clothes ; 
bring  it  along,"  I  says. 

"  Kin  yer  read  it?  "  axes  he. 

"  Kin  I  read  it !  I  wouldn't  axe  fer  it  ef  I 
couldn't  read  it.  I  guess  meh  own  uncle  is 
Hebrew,"  I  says. 

An'  he  brings  de  book  out  an'  I  goes  along 
wid  it  till  I  comes  ter  where  a  real  old  gent 
wid  long  gray  hair  an'  gold  specs  was  sittin' 
an'  readin',  an'  I  takes  a  seat  opersite  him, 
thinkin'  maybe  he  would  lay  de  gold  specs 
down  an'  I  might  pick  'em  up. 

An'  I  pretends  not  ter  see  de  old  gent ;  but 
he  looks  up  ater  a  while  an'  watches  meh, 
fer  I  was  a-mumblin'  an'  a-mumblin'  ter 
mehself  an'  a-waggin'  meh  head  up  an'  down 
ez  ef  de  Hebrew  book  was  more  excitin'  en  de 
140 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


tale  ef  "  Buck  Bradley's  Kancli,  Er  Up  Agin 
de  Pirates  in  Missouri,''  He  looks  sirprised 
an'  den  he  looks  over  at  meh  an'  he  says : 

"  Excuse  me,  my  friend,  but  in  what 
langwidge  is  de  book  dat  yer  is  readin'?  " 

"  It's  in  Jew  langwidge  er  old  Hebrew," 
I  says. 

"  Yer  don't  say,"  he  smiles.  "  Is  yer  fond 
efit?" 

"  It's  meh  faverite  langwidge,"  I  says. 

"  What  does  de  book  treat  on?  "  axes  he. 

"  On  old  Hebrew  games,"  says  I. 

"  I  never  knowed  dere  was  sich  a  book  in 
Hebrew,"  he  says. 

"  Yer  kin  read  it  ef  yer  likes,"  I  says, 
pushin'  de  book  ter  him. 

"  No,  thanks,"  he  says ;  "  I  can't  read 
Hebrew." 

"  Yer  can't?  "  I  says,  "it's  too  bad.  It's  am- 
usin'  ter  discover  how  old  our  new  games  is." 

"  Dat  interests  meh,"  he  says.  "  I'm  a 
anterpolergist."  An'  he  gets  up  an'  comes 
141 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

ter  take  a  seat  next  ter  meh ;  de  cove  in  de 
blue  coat  lookin'  on  wid  his  eyes  wide  open. 

"  What's  a  anterpolergist?  "  I  axes  him. 
"  Is  it  somethin'  new?" 

"  Compearatively  speakin',"  he  says.  "A 
anterpologist  is  one  who  studies  de  scienceof 
man." 

"  Same  ez  a  cop?  "  I  says. 

"  Not  'xactly,"  smiles  he,  rubbin'  his  gold 
specs,  but  not  layin'  'em  down  like  he  orter. 

"  What  makes  de  name  so  long?  "  I  axes. 
"  It  sounds  ez  ef  it  took  two  pounds  ef  steam 
ter  blow  it  thru  a  whistle." 

"  It  comes  from  two  Greek  names,"  he 
says,  "  meanin'  man  an7  science." 

"  I  thought  dere  was  two  Greek  names  in 
it,"  I  says.  "  Dose  Greeks  is  awful  on 
names.  I  knows  one  what  has  a  fruit  store, 
an'  his  name  is  longer  en  a  bunch  ef 
bananas." 

An'  de  old  gent  rubs  his  glasses  an'  laffs 
an'  says,  "  How  come  yer  to  study  Hebrew?" 
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I  Comes  inter  de  World 


"  How  conie  yer  ter  study  anterpolergy?  " 
axes  I,  not  knowin'  what  else  ter  say. 

"  Well,"  he  says,  "  'count  ef  meh  interest 
in  man." 

"  It  was  de  same  wid  meh  an'  Hebrew," 
I  says. 

"  Would  yer  mind  readin'  in  eh  a  bit  out  ef 
de  book?  "  axes  he. 

"  Sure  not,"  says  I.  An'  I  says  ez  ef  I  was 
a-readin',  "  Mohowee,  mohowwhoaa,  mohah- 
aha,"  er  somethin'  dat  was  jist  ez  good. 

"  Not  so  loud,  ef  yer  please,"  says  he. 

"  Yer  have  ter  read  Hebrew  loud,"  says  I, 
"  it  bein'  part  ef  de  langwidge."  An'  I  goes 
on  readin',  louder  an'  louder,  an'  de  cove 
from  behind  de  desk  comes  runnin'  up  an' 
say  in' : 

"  Dis  won't  do ;  yer  makin'  too  much  noise 
an'  disturbin'  evrybody.  Yer  go  right  out  er 
I'll  call  de  cop  from  downstairs,"  he  says. 

"  It  was  meh  own  fault,"  pipes  up  de  old 
gent.    "  I  axed  him  ter  do  it." 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

An'  I  goes  out  inter  de  hall  an'  de  old  an- 
terpolergist  comes  a-runnin'  ater  meh.  "  I'm 
sorry  dat  happened,'7  he  says. 

"  So  am  I,"  I  says,  "  'count  ef  de  cove 
chasin'  meh  out  I  loses  a  dollar  an'  a  half 
translatin'  two  pages  of  Hebrew  fer  a  min 
ister." 

"  Well,"  says  de  old  gent,  "  I'll  make  it 
right.  But  supposin'  we  gits  somethin'  ter 
eat,  it  bein'  near  noon,  an'  I  wants  ter  talk 
wid  yer ;  yer  interests  meh." 

"  I'm  sorry,"  I  says,  "  but  I  really  ain't 
got  de  time.  I'll  have  ter  go  an'  tell  de  min 
ister  what  happened." 

"  It  won't  take  us  long,"  he  says. 

"  All  right,"  says  I.  An'  he  takes  meh 
inter  a  basemint  restaurint  an'  he  starts  ter 
ai  meh  a  whole  pile  ef  questions,  like  dey  all 
does ;  it  bein'  human  natcher  ter  want  some- 
thin'  fer  yer  money. 

"  How  comes  it,"  he  axes,  "  ef  yer  kin  read 
Hebrew  so  good  dat  yer  English  is  so  bad?  " 
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I  Comes  inter  de  World 

"  Bad  company  done  it,"  I  explains. 

"  How  come  ye  ter  git  in  bad  company?  " 
he  axes. 

"  Count  ef  meh  Hebrew,"  I  says. 

"  Explain  yerself,"  he  says. 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  I  got  so  interested  in 
Hebrew  dat  I  wouldn't  do  nothin'  but  read 
old  Hebrew  books,  an'  meh  wife  got  mad  at 
meh  fer  neglectin'  her,  an'  she  runned  orff 
an'  I  took  ter  drink.  Dat's  de  histree  ef  it." 

"  Who  learned  yer  de  Hebrew?  "  he  axes. 

"  I  learned  it  in  collidge,"  I  answers. 

"  What  collidge?  "  axes  ha 

"  Hebrew  collidge,"  I  says. 

"  I  never  heard  ef  it,"  says  he. 

"  Yer  hearin'  might  be  bad,"  says  I,  an'  he 
laffs. 

"  Where  was  yer  born?  "  axes  he. 

"  I  was  born  in  England,"  says  I. 

"  What  did  yer  father  do?  "  axes  he. 

"  He  was  prisidint  ef  de  Hebrew  Col 
lidge,"  I  says. 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Den  de  collidge  was  in  England?  "  axes 
he. 

"  Sure/' says  I. 

"  Why  didn't  yer  say  so  den?  "  axes  he. 

"  Why  didn't  yer  axe  meh?  "  says  I. 

"  WThat  was  yer  mother?  "  axes  he. 

"  Meh  father's  wife,"  says  I. 

"  I  know  dat,"  says  he,  laffin' ;  "  but  what 
was  her  nationalitee?  " 

"  She  was  Chinee,"  I  says. 

"  Chinee!     Dat's  funny !  "  says  he. 

"  It's  wasn't  funny  at  all,"  says  I ;  "  meh 
father  was  like  meh.  He  was  terribul  on 
langwidges.  Whenever  he  wanted  ter  learn  a 
new  langwidge  he  married  a  new  wife.  His 
fust  wife  was  German,  an'  his  second  was 
French,  an'  his  third  was  Spanish,  an'  his 
fourth  she  was  Chinee.  An'  dat's  all  I 
knows,"  I  says,  de  dinner  bein'  over,  "  an' 
I'd  like  meh  dollaran'  ahalf  which  yer  prom 
ised  meh." 

"  Here  it  is,"  he  says,  "  but  yer  is  de  big- 
146 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


gest  fakir  what  ever  I  seen  in  nieh  born  days, 
an'  I  don't  think  yer  knows  any  more 
Hebrew  en  a  cat." 

"  Didn't  yer  hear  meh  read  it  in  de 
libraree?  "  I  axes,  puttin'  de  coin  in  meh 
pocket. 

"  Dat  was  no  more  Hebrew  en  it  was 
Chinee/'  he  says. 

"  Dat  shows  yer  don't  know  Hebrew  from 
Chinee,"  I  says. 

"  Take  yer  money  an'  go  'long,"  he  says. 

"  I  don't  want  yer  money  den,"  I  yells ; 
"  I  wouldn't  touch  it  wid  a  pair  of  gloves," 
an'  I  lays  it  on  de  table,  hopin'  he  would  add 
anuder  dollar  an'  apolergize. 

"  Thanks,"  he  says,  takin'  de  coin  an'  put- 
tin'  it  in  his  pocket. 

"  I  don't  believe  yer  knows  any  more  ant- 
erpolergy  en  a  pig,"  I  says,  "  even  if  yer  did 
beat  meh  out  ef  a  dollar  an'  a  half." 

"  I  didn't  beat  yer,"  says  he ;  "  yer  gave  it 
back  ter  meh." 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Keep  it  an'  welcome/7  I  says ;  "  I  never 
knowed  anybody  ter  get  money  dat  way  what 
did  him  any  good.  An'  yer  calls  men  a  fakir 
an'  a  liar  an'  meh  self-respect  is  more  ter 
meh  in  all  de  money  in  de  world."  An'  I  goes 
out,  loo-kin'  mad  an'  hurt. 

"  Come  back  here !  "  he  yells,  an'  I  comes 
back  an'  he  says :  "  I'll  tell  yer  what  I'll  do, 
we'll  go  out  an'  I'll  buy  yer  a  Hebrew  book 
wid  de  dollar  an'  a  half,  seein'  as  yer  likes 
Hebrew  so  much." 

"  All  right,"  IsaySjthinkin'  I  would  rather 
have  de  Hebrew  book  en  nothin' ;  "  all  right ; 
dat's  jist  what  I  wanted  was  a  Hebrew 
book." 

So  we  goes  inter  a  old  bookshop  aroun'  de 
corner  an'  de  old  gent  axes  de  man  ef  he  has 
a  Hebrew  book,  an'  he  says  dat  he  has  de 
Bible  in  Hebrew,  which  was  free  dollars. 

"  I  knows  where  I  kin  git  it  fer  a  dollar 
an'  a  half,"  I  whispers  ter  de  ole  gent. 

"  We'll  go  an'  git  it  right  now,"  he  says. 
148 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


"  But  de  man  what  has  it  is  only  dere  at 
night,"  I  says ;  "  give  meh  de  coin  an' " 

An'  de  ole  gent  smiles  an'  he  says,  "  Yer  is 
a  good  one,  yer  is ;  but  I  guess  I'll  buy  yer  dis 
book  here." 

"  An'  throw  a  dollar  an'  a  half  away !  "  I 
says,  meh  heart  in  meh  mouth ;  "  I'd  ruther 
see  yer  give  it  to  de  poor.  Dere  ain't  no 
Hebrew  book  wuth  free  dollars,"  I  says, 
"  Hebrew  bein'  out  ef  style  fer  a  long  time." 

"  Well,  dere  is  anuder  store  next  door," 
says  de  old  gent ;  "  maybe  dey  has  some 
Hebrew  books."  So  we  goes  in  dere  an'  de 
man  says  he  has  a  Hebrew  book  on  Moses  fer 
a  quarter. 

"  Dat's  jist  what  I  wants!  "  I  says;  "  I've 
been  a-lookin'  all  over  de  earth  for  a  Hebrew 
book  on  Moses.  Glory  Hallelujah !  "  I  says. 

"  It's  yourn  now,"  says  de  old  gent, 
givin'  de  cove  a  quarter. 

"  An'  yer  kin  give  meh  de  two  dollars  an' 
seventy-five  cents  which  I  saved  yer,"  says  I. 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  How  so?  "  axes  he. 

"  How  so !  "  says  I.  "  Didn't  yer  want  ter 
pay  de  cove  next  door  free  dollars  fer  a 
Hebrew  book  only  fer  meh?" 

"  De  agreemint  was  only  fer  ter  buy  a 
Hebrew  book/7  he  says. 

"  No,  sir,"  "pipes  I ;  "  de  agreemint  was  ter 
buy  a  Hebrew  book  fer  a  dollar  an7  a  half ;  so 
ef  yer  gives  meh  de  book  on  Moses  an'  a  dol 
lar  an7  a  quarter  asides  we7ll  call  it  square.'7 

"  All  right/'  he  says ;  "  yer  is  de  best  dat 
I  ever  seen ;  take  de  book  an7  de  money  an7 
go.77 

"  Thanks,77  says  I,  puttin7  de  coin  in  meh 
pocket.  "  I'll  sell  yer  de  book  on  Moses  back 
fer  fifteen  cents.77 

"  Not  much,77  he  laffs. 

"  Yer  missin'  de  chanct  ter  make  a  dime 
quick,77  I  says. 

"  I  t7ought  yer  wanted  de  book  on  Moses 
so  awful  bad,7'  he  says. 

"  I  t7ought  so,  too,77  I  says,  "  but  in  dis 
150 


I  Comes  inter  de  World 


book  de  Hebrew  is  written  so  bad  I  can't 
read  it." 

"  Den  why  does  yer  want  ter  sell  it  back 
ter  ineh  ?  "  axes  he. 

"  What's  de  diffrunce  ter  yer,"  I  says, 
"  seein'  ez  yer  can't  read  Hebrew  anyways, 
ef  it's  good  Hebrew  er  bad  Hebrew?  " 

"  Please  go  away,"  he  says;  "  I  ain't  got 
no  more  time." 

So  I  takes  de  book  an'  de  old  gent  goes  orff 
a-laffin'  ter  hisself  an'  I  follers  him,  an'  ater 
a  while  I  pulls  him  by  de  coat-tail,  puffin'  fer 
wind,  ez  ef  I  runned  all  de  way. 

"  You  agin?  "  pipes  he.  "  What  does  yer 
want  now?  " 

"  Thank  Gawd  I  found  yer,"  I  says. 

"  Why  fer?  "  axes  he. 

"  De  cove  in  de  store,"  I  says,  "  told  meh  a 
lie ;  dat  Hebrew  book  ain't  on  Moses.  It's  in 
yer  line — it's  a  book  on  anterpolergy.  De 
title  is  two  Hebrew  words  meanin'  man  an' 
science.  Jist  de  thing  yer  wants,"  I  says; 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  de  whole  thing  is  in  dis  little  Hebrew  book 
— all  yer  wants  ter  know  about  science  an' 
all  dere  is  about  man." 

"  But  what  good  is  it  ter  meh,  my  friend," 
he  laffs,  "  ef  I  don't  know  Hebrew?  " 

"  I  kin  learn  yer  how,"  I  says,  "  fer  ten 
cents  a  hour  an'  it  '11  only  take  ten  hours/' 

"  No,  thanks,  I  ain't  got  de  time,"  he  laffs. 

"  But  ain't  yer  goin'  ter  give  meh  fifteen 
cents,  runnin'  all  dis  way?  I  might  have 
died  from  heart  disease,"  I  says. 

"  I  tell  yer  what  yer  kin  do,"  he  says,  kind 
ef  thinkin'  ter  hisself,  "  yer  keep  de  Hebrew 
book  an'  write  meh  down  de  story  ef  yer  life 
from  de  cradle  to  de  grave — don't  leave  out 
nothin',  an'  bring  it  ter  meh  in  de  libraree 
an'  I'll  give  yer  twenty-five  dollars  fer  it.  I 
have  a  notion  dat  dere'll  be  more  anter- 
polergy  in  it  den  in  de  little  Hebrew  book." 

So  dat's  why  I'm  writin'  meh  histree  from 
de  cradle  ter  de  grave.  I  had  to  write  dis 
down  about  de  old  cove  ter  kind  ef  git  a 
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I  Comes  inter  de  World 


start,  but  I'm  goin'  back  an'  scratch  it  all 
out,  only  him  want-in'  it  he  might  give  meh 
dat  fifteen  cents  fer  dis  part  what  he 
wouldn't  give  meh  fer  de  cute  little  Hebrew 
book. 


153 


II 

MEH  START  IN  LIFE 

Start  right  an7  you'll  end  wrong  anyways. 

WELL,  old  gent  an'  anterpolergist,  ter  go 
back  in  meh  story  a  foot  er  two,  I  never 
runned  away  from  meh  home,  sweet  home ;  I 
jist  natcherally  quit,  bein'  a  independent 
boy  an'  wantin'  ter  earn  meh  own  livin'  an' 
not  support  meh  parents  any  more.  I  was 
fourteen  den,  very  tall  an'  strong  fer  meh 
age,  an'  hungry;  more  hungry  en  tall,  I 
guess. 

De  man  what  give  meh  a  start  in  life  was 
a  blind  "  yeager  "  by  de  name  ef  Wily  Will. 
I've  seen  all  de  beggars  der  is  ( includin'  meh 
friend  Foxy  Basket) ,  but  dat  blind  man  was 
de  king  ef  'em  all  in  some  ways.  I  ain't  got 
no  reason  ter  love  him,  but  I  give  him  credit; 
he  knowed  his  bizness.  He's  dead  ez  a  door 
nail  now,  so  de  truth  won't  hurt  him  none, 
154 


Meh  Start  in  Life 


which  is  de  big  joy  of  bein'  dead.  Peace  ter 
his  cinders!  He  was  short,  thin,  small, 
rather  gray  on  de  top  kind  ef  a  feller  when 
I  knowed  him  first,  all  bone  an'  muscle,  wid 
a  grip  like  a  bulldorg's  teeth.  Bulldorg's 
teeth  an'  handcuffs  has  de  two  best  grips  ef 
anything  on  earth,  an'  I've  had  'em  all  tried 
on  meh. 

Wily  Will  was  de  oddest  beggar  in  de 
world,  which  yer  will  learn  ez  I  go  along. 
He  jist  kep'  ter  hisself,  not  'cause  he  was 
proud  er  stuck-up  (few  beggars  is),  but  jist 
'cause  he  thought  it  was  good  fer  bizness. 
Yer  knows  how  most  of  'em  is,  livin'  in  a 
house  tergither,  an'  tradin'  secrets  an' 
marks,  er  workin'  wid  a  boss  er  a  king ;  but 
Wily  Will  he  jist  went  his  own  lonely  way 
an'  wouldn't  speak  ter  eny  ef  'em. 

I  seen  him  beggin'  around  when  I  started 

out  on  meh  own  hook,  an'  I  axed  him  ef  it 

wouldn't  be  a  good  idee  fer  meh  ter  lead  him 

up  an'  down,  an'  he  reached  out  an'  nabbed 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

me  by  de  wrist  an'  he  never  let  me  git  loose 
till  I  runned  away  from  him. 

We  lived  in  a  shanty  in  de  rear  ef  a  tene- 
mint  on  Quincy  street,  an'  de  only  furniture 
was  newspapers  on  de  wall,  a  bed  on  de  floor, 
an'  a  stove  where  he  done  his  cookin'. 
Fried  eggs  an'  a  bit  ef  bacon  an'  coffee  was 
his  favorite  dish.  Also  he  liked  ter  play  de 
fiddle  an'  ter  sing.  Also  he  was  a  miser, 
which  is  a  strange  combination,  an'  comes 
later  on.  His  perticler  game  was  ter  sell 
lead  pencils. 

De  first  day  we  went  out  he  says  ter  meh, 
"  Keep  yer  eyes  open  an'  yer  mouth  shut. 
Don't  talk  none.  I'll  do  all  de  talkin'.  Yer 
mother  is  dead  an'  I'm  yer  father,  an'  dat's 
all  yer  needs  ter  rimimber  ef  it  comes  ter  a 
pinch." 

"  But  meh  mother  ain't  dead,"  I  says. 

"  I  ain't  takin'  yer  ter  Sunday-school," 
says  he,  handin'  meh  a  nice  lick  on  de  ear. 
"  Hold  yer  tongue." 

156 


"  Arf  he  never  let  me  git  loose  till 
I  runned  away  from  him." 


Meh  Start  in  Life 


"  Yer  might  change  jvriste,"  I  said  ater  a 
bit. 

"  Git  used  ter  it,"  he  says. 

He  didn't  beg  on  de  streets  none  'cause  he 
said  he  had  reg'ler  customers  in  de  stores 
an'  it  looked  bad.  We  wint  around  from 
place  ter  place  an'  he  got  a  nickel  here  an'  a 
dime  dere,  an'  oncet  er  twice  a  quarter,  an' 
more  often  a  cussin'. 

He  didn't  talk  none  ter  meh,  only  mum- 
blin'  to  hisself  agin  bad  bizness  an'  hard 
luck  all  de  time.  I  kin  tell  yer  afore  dat 
mornin'  was  over  I  was  dead  tired  ef  meh 
job.  I  could  hardly  pull  meh  legs  along,  but 
when  I  lagged  behint  he  gives  meh  a  pinch 
an'  says,  "  Yer  leadin'  meh ;  I  ain't  a-leadin' 
you." 

I  was  hungry,  too,  an  he  wouldn't  give 
meh  nothin'  ter  eat,  sayin'  two  meals  a 
day  was  enuff  fer  a  boy.  He  didn't  drink 
none  an'  he  kep'  out  ef  saloons  altergither, 
sayin',  "  Saloons  is  no  good  fer  our  line. 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

Dey  wants  a  dollar  wuth  ef  fun  an'  time  fer 
ivery  cent  dey  gives  up." 

"  Yer  made  a  dollar  an'  ninety-five  cints 
already  dis  morning"  says  I,  countin'  up  on 
meh  fingers ;  "  ain't  yer  goin'  home? " 

"  Keep  still,"  he  says ;  "  de  pencils  cost 
meh  a  dollar  an'  forty." 

"  But  dey  didn't  keep  de  pencils ;  yer  got 
'em  yet." 

"  Ye  little  fool,"  he  says,  "  don't  I  have  ter 
sell  de  pencils  afore  I  makes  anything?  An' 
how  does  yer  know  I  took  in  a  dollar  an* 
ninety-five?  " 

"  I  counted  up,"  I  says. 

"  Yer  ter  mind  yer  own  bizness,"  he  says. 

"  Yer  told  meh  ter  keep  meh  eyes  open," 
I  said. 

"  An'  yer  mouth  shut,"  he  says,  pinchin* 
meh  arm. 

De  first  place  we  went  inter  dat  afternoon, 
de  cove  says  ter  him,  "  I  don't  berlieve  in  en- 
couragin'  beggars ;  but  ef  a  man  comes  in  ter 
158 


Meh  Start  in  Life 


sell  somethin'  I  allus  berlieves  in  buyin' 
what  he's  got." 

"  Dat's  a  good  principul,"  says  Wily. 

"  But  yer  pencils  ain't  no  good  at  all," 
says  de  man ;  "  de  last  ones  what  I  bought 
had  no  lead  in  'em." 

"  Well,"  says  Wily,  "  yer  knows  how  ivery 
body  cheats  a  blind  man.  It's  a  shame ;  dose 
pencils  cost  meh  two  cents  an'  a  half  apiece 
an'  I  sells  'em  fer  five.  I'm  sure  dese  new 
ones  is  all  right." 

"  How  much  will  yer  give  meh  a  dozen 
fer?  "  axes  de  man. 

"  Fifty  cents,"  says  Wily. 

An'  de  man  gives  him  de  half,  an'  Wily 
says,  "  I  see  I  only  got  eight,  I'll  leave  de 
rest  de  next  time  I  comes  aroun'." 

"  I  don't  do  bizness  dat  way,"  says  de 
cove. 

"  Come  ter  think,"  says  Wily,  "  de  boy 
has  got  a  package  in  his  pocket" 

"  I  ain't,"  I  pipes  out. 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Yer  f ergot,"  he  says ;  "  I  put  'em  in  yer 
coat  dis  mornin'  " ;  an'  he  slips  his  hand  in 
meh  pocket  an'  sure  enuff  he  pulls  out  de 
pencils. 

An'  when  we  gits  outside  he  says  ter  meh, 
"  I  got  a  notion  ter  take  yer  in  de  alley  an' 
wallop  de  life  out  ef  yer.  Didn't  I  say  ter 
keep  yer  mouth  shut?  Yer  nearly  cost  meh 
a  half  dollar." 

"  But  de  pencils  come  ter  most  a  quarter," 
I  says,  "  an' " 

"  Shut  up,"  he  roars ;  "  yer  too  smart ; 
I've  a  mind  ter  let  yer  go." 

"  I  wish  yer  would,"  I  says ;  "  I'd  start  in 
de  pencil  bizness  fer  mehself." 

"  I'll  pencil  bizness  yer  when  we  gits 
home,"  says  he.  An'  he  starts  in  an'  cusses 
dat  cove  fer  keepin'  de  pencils,  callin'  him 
de  puttiest  names  whatever  I  heard  fer 
cheatin'  a  blind  man.  He  was  crazy  'bout 
dose  pencils ;  it  seemed  ter  hurt  him  more  en 
ter  lose  money.  I  never  seed  de  like,  fer  dey 
160 


Meh  Start  in  Life 


didn't  cost  no  more  en  two  fer  a  cent.  An' 
I  says  ter  him  ater  a  bit : 

"  Is  yer  goin'  ter  bring  de  cove  de  new 
pencils  in  de  mornin'?  " 

"  I  ain't  crazy,"  he  says. 

"  But  you'll  lose  a  good  customer,"  I  says. 

"I  ain't  lookin'  fer  customers,"  he  says; 
"  any  fool  kin  sell  things." 

"  I  know,"  I  says,  "  but " 

"  Yer  knows  nothin'  at  all,"  he  says;  "  not 
even  enuff  ter  hold  yer  tongue."  An'  all  de 
way  home  dat  night  he  kept  cussin'  an'  mum- 
blin'  agin  people  what  wanted  somethin'  fer 
deir  money.  "  Dey  kill  the  beggar  bizness," 
he  says ;  an'  like  de  little  fool  I  was  I  pipes 
up  an'  axes : 

"  Why  don't  yer  quit  sellin'  things  an'  jist 
beg,  den? "  An'  dat  rimark  cost  men  a 
crack  on  de  ear. 

In  de  night  fer  supper  he  gives  meh  a  hunk 
ef  bread,  an'  he  says  ez  he  would  give  meh  a 
fried  egg  an'  a  piece  of  bacon,  which  he 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

cooked  fer  hisself,  only  it  was  meh  fault  dat 
he  lost  dose  dozen  pencils.  Den  lie  gits  out 
a  book  an'  writes  down  de  names  an'  de 
numbers  ef  de  peepul  an'  what  dey  gives 
him,  an'  I  watches  him  close  an'  says : 

"  Don't  fergit  de  man  what  kep'  de  pen 
cils." 

"  You  undress  an'  go  ter  bed,"  he  says, 
sharp. 

An'  I  undresses,  not  thinkin'  ef  what  was 
ter  come,  an'  what  does  he  do  but  take  meh 
clothes  an'  search  meh  pockets,  De  dime 
an'  de  nickel  what  I  managed  ter  steal  on 
him  rolls  on  de  floor,  an'  he  seen  'em  jist  ez 
ef  he  had  eyes.  "  Yer  ra,scul!"  he  yells, 
"  stealin'  from  meh !  I'll  learn  yer !  " 

"  I  had  de  dime  an'  de  nickel  afore  I  come 
ter  yer,"  I  says. 

"  Den  yer  should  have  given  'em  ter  meh," 

he  growls ;  "  boys  ain't  got  no  bizness  wid 

money,    anyways."     I'd    ruther   not   write 

down  how  he  tried  ter  separate  meh  skin 

162 


Meh  Start  in  Life 


from  meh  bones.  "  Now  yer  turn  over  on 
yer  side  an7  go  ter  sleep,"  he  says  when  he 
was  thru  whalin'  meh. 

Den  he  takes  his  fiddle  an'  plays  an'  sings 
an'  I  pretends  ter  sleep,  but  I  didn't,  fer  I 
wanted  ter  see  where  he  put  de  coin  what 
he  took  in  dat  day.  Along  ten  o'clock  he 
puts  de  fiddle  away  an'  ties  meh  clothes  up 
in  a  bundle  an'  puts  'em  under  his  bed,  so  I 
seen  dere  was  no  chanct  ter  run  away.  Den 
he  moves  de  bed  a  bit  an'  lifts  a  plank  out 
ef  de  floor,  an'  he  takes  out  a  bag  ef  money 
(a  whole  bag  ef  it ;  I  hope  ter  die  ef  it  ain't 
so,  Mr.  Anterpolergist)  an'  he  counts  it,  an' 
plays  wid  it,  an'  sings  ter  it,  an'  talks  ter  it- 
like  ez  ef  dat  coin  was  kids.  Den  he  ties  it 
up  agin  an'  puts  it  back  under  de  bed  agin. 
I  s'pose  he  had  de  notion  dat  if  he  slept  over 
de  coin  it  would  hatch  de  same  ez  ef  it  was 
eggs.  Den  he  mumbled  some  more  ter  his- 
self  'bout  de  cove  what  kept  de  dozen  pencils 
an'  he  went  ter  sleep. 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

De  next  mornin'  I  made  up  meh  mind  ter 
keep  meh.  eyes  wide  open,  an'  run  away  de 
first  chanct  I  got,  'cause  he  fed  me  worse 
den  I  could  feed  mehself  by  playin'  basket, 
which  means  de  same  ez  playin'  doormat,  er 
beggin'  fer  food  at  kitchen  doors.  'Sides,  I 
seen  dere  was  no  chanct  ef  gettin'  de  bag  ef 
coin,  seein'  he  slept  over  it  an'  meh  clothes 
too.  I  was  a-dyin'  ter  a,x  him  how  much 
coin  der  was  in  de  bag,  but  I  didn't  dare. 

On  de  way  downtown  he  says  ter  meh: 
"  Yer  go  an'  get  dem  pencils  back.  Tell  de 
cove  dat  yer  father  made  a  mistake  an'  give 
him  de  wrong  ones,  an'  dat  he'll  come  'round 
dis  afternoon  an'  give  him  a  dozen  new  ones 
in  deir  place.  I'll  wait  fer  yer  right  by  de 
outside  door  an'  ef  yer  brings  'em  back  I'll 
give  yer  two  fried  eggs  an'  a  slice  ef  bacon 
fer  yer  supper;  an'  ef  yer  don't  I'll  wallop 
yer." 

So  I  goes  inter  de  cove  an'  tells  him  what 
Wily  says,  an'  he  laffs  an'  gives  meh  de  pen- 
164 


Meh  Start  in  Life 


cils,  takin'  'em  out  ef  his  drawer.  An'  I 
seen  de  chanct  I  was  a-lookin'  fer,  an'  'stead 
ef  goin'  out  de  front  door  I  steals  out  thru 
de  back  an'  leaves  Mr.  Wily  a-waitin'.  I  bet 
he  swore  some. 

I  begged  on  de  street  a  bit  dat  day,  bein' 
hungry,  an'  oncet  I  got  a  dime,  but  a  cop 
seed  meh  an'  he  says  ter  meh  ef  he  catches 
meh  agin  he'd  pull  meh  in,  an'  I  got  skeered. 
Why  is  it  I  was  so  young  an'  green  den? 

In  de  afternoon  I  reaches  in  meh  pocket 
an'  feels  de  dozen  pencils,  which  I  clean  fer- 
got,  an  idee  strikes  meh,  an'  I  walks  back 
ter  de  cove's  place,  thinkin'  ez  maybe  I  could 
giv'  him  de  pencils  back  an'  work  him  fer  a 
dime.  An'  I  no  sooner  pokes  meh  little 
blond  head  in  de  door  den  de  cove  yells, 
"  Dere's  yer  boy  now !  "  An'  Mr.  Wily,  who 
who  was  standin'  dere,  makes  a  spring  fer 
meh,  an'  I  runned  lickety  split  down  de 
street,  never  turnin'  ter  look.  I  have  been 
skeered  often  in  meh  life,  most  enuff  ter  git 
165 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

used  ter  it,  but  dat  was  de  wust  skeer  a  man 
could  have.  But  dat,  was  de  last  time  Mr. 
Wily  ever  got  in  de  same  block  wid  meh. 
Awful  smart  feller,  Wily ;  yer  see,  he  figured 
out  dat  I  would  come  back  ter  sell  de  cove 
dat  dozen  pencils,  an'  he  must  have  been 
waitin'  dere  all  day  ter  grab  meh.  I  guess 
dose  dozen  pencils  worried  him  until  de  day 
de  daisies  turned  away  from  his  toes. 


166 


Ill 

GETTIN'  ALONG  IN  DE  WORLD 

When  yer  in  Rome  do  de  Romans,  which 
dey  icould  do  ef  dey  come  here, 

WHOOP  !  Mr.  Anterpolergist,  ef  it's  all  de 
same  ter  you  I'd  like  ter  skip  de  time  when 
I  jined  a  gang  ef  kids  what  made  it  deir 
trade  ter  break  inter  empty  houses  fer  de 
sake  ef  cuttin'  out  de  lead  pipes.  It  wasn't 
no  lead-pipe  cinch,  as  I  found  out  aterwards 
when  de  fly  cops  grabbed  meh  an'  dey  sent 
meh  to  de  riform  school  fer  free  years.  I 
made  up  meh  mind  den  an'  dere  dat  I'd  quit 
stealin,'  riform,  leave  dese  git-rich-quick 
schemes  alone,  an'  earn  a  honest  livin'  by 
beggin'.  Beggin'  is  a  heap  slower,  but  it's 
surer. 

When  I  came  ter  Chicago  agin,  riformed 
but  still  happy,  I  made  direct  fer  "  De  Star 
Ef  Hope,"  a  dime  lodgin'-house  on  Union 
167 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

street,  which  is  de  winter  haven  ef  rest  an' 
plenty  fer  hobos  an'  "  yeagers."  I  made  de 
acquaintance  ef  Sam  de  Scribe  dere,  an'  I 
kin  say  dat  meh  fortin'  was  fixed  from  dat 
day  on.  Sam  was  makin'  it  his  bizness  den 
ter  write  letters  an'  ter  supply  infermation. 
He  kept  reg'lar  books  in  which  was  writ  all 
de  names  ef  de  easy  marks  in  Chicago.  His 
book  was  big  ez  de  Chicago  directory  almost. 
He  charged  yer  ten  cents  fer  givin'  yer  de 
name  ef  a  house  where  yer  could  git  clothes, 
an'  from  ten  cents  up  ter  fifty  fer  de  name 
an'  number  where  yer  could  git  money.  Pay 
was  allus  in  adwance.  Sam  got  us  goin'  an' 
comin',  fer  ef  de  clothes  we  brung  back  was 
good,  he  bought  'em  back  from  us  agin  an' 
sold  'em  oncet  agin.  I  used  ter  wonder 
what  he  done  wid  all  his  money. 

One  day  I  started  out  from  "  De  Star  Ef 

Hope"  wid  anudder  feller  what  we  called 

Shirtless  Sam,  an'  we  didn't  git  very  far 

afore  we  seen  a  plumber  comin'  out  ef  a 

168 


Gettin'  Along  in  de  World 

saloon,  wid  a  bag  ef  tools,  drunk  ez  a  bottle 
ef  rum. 

"  Seem'  plumbin'  tools  an'  lead  pipes,"  I 
says  ter  Sam,  "  makes  me  feel  kinder  ter 
home.  I  used  ter  be  in  de  plumbin'  line  fer 
a  short  time  inehself." 

An'  thinkin'  maybe  I  could  git  de  tools 
away  from  de  plumber,  him  not  bein'  in  de 
condition  ter  use  'ein  anyways,  I  starts  ter 
speak  ter  him  an'  he  axes  us  ter  come  in  an* 
have  a  drink,  which  we  done.  An'  he  takes 
out  a  paper  wid  a  name  an'  a  address  on  an' 
he  says,  "  I  got  ter  go  ter  dis  house  an'  fix  a 
leakin'  water  pipe,  but  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  fix 
no  water  ter  day,  not  meh ! " 

So  I  takes  de  paper  way  from  him  when  he 
puts  it  back  in  his  pocket,  an'  Sam  he  grabs 
de  bag  ef  tools  an'  runs  an'  I  ater  him. 

When  we  got  inter  de  alley,  Shirtless  Sam 
says  ter  meh :  "  We  kin  take  dese  tools  ter 
Sam  de  Scribe  an'  sell  'em." 

"  Ater  fixin'  de  pipes  fer  de  lady,"  I  says, 
169 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

fer  de  thought  ef  lead  pipes  kind  ef  made 
meh  homesick,  an'  I  was  timpted  agin. 

"  But  yer  ain't  no  plumber,"  says  Shirt 
less  Sam. 

"  Yer  jist  come  along  an'  watch  meh  an' 
see,"  I  says. 

So  we  went  to  de  name  an'  de  number,  an' 
de  gurl,  which  was  a  Swede,  comes  to  de 
door  an'  axes  us  why  we  was  so  late, 
growlin'  'bout  de  water  leakin'  thru  de  house 
an'  spoilin'  de  carpits. 

"  Don't  yer  worry  none,"  I  says ;  "  meh  an' 
dis  gent  here  '11  fix  it  quicker  en  yer  kin 
wink  yer  eye."  An'  den  I  tells  her  de  boss 
said  ez  we  was  ter  collict  de  bill  in  adwance. 

"  De  missus  is  out,"  she  says ;  "  she  jist 
had  ter  go  downtown  fer  a  bit,  an'  I  don't 
know  what  ter  do !  " 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  de  missus  bein'  out " 

(which  is  what  I  wanted  ter  know),  "yer 

kin  fix  de  bill  wid  de  boss  aterwards !  "     An' 

she  shows  us  inter  de  parler  where  de  leak 

170 


Gettin'  Along  in  de  World 

was,  an'  says  it  must  come  from  de  bathroom 
upstairs. 

Sam  an7  meh  shins  up  to  de  bathroom  an' 
I  says  ter  him,  closin'  de  door  tight,  "  Sam, 
dis  is  a  cinch,  de  missus  bein'  out  an'  dis 
lead  pipe  bein'  wuth  a  couple  cents  a  inch 
easy !  " 

"  What  yer  goin'  ter  do?  "  he  says.  "  Cut 
de  pipes  out  an'  flood  de  house  out?  We'll 
be  sint  over  sure !  " 

"  I  knows  meh  bizness,  I  guess,"  I  an 
swers.  "  Now  you  keep  busy  downstairs 
an'  leave  meh  an'  dese  pipes  alone  fer  a 
while."  An'  I  goes  downstairs  in  de  base 
ment  fer  ter  find  de  place  ter  turn  de  water 
orff,  but  I  couldn't  find  de  place  an'  de 
Swede  gurl  didn't  know  where  de  water  pipe 
was,  an'  bein'  in  a  big  hurry  I  says,  "  Well, 
we  kin  let  it  go  jist  ez  well  ez  not." 

When  I  come  up  to  de  bathroom  agin  I 
finds  Sam  a-cuttin'  a  hole  thru  de  floor  big 
enuff  ter  put  de  bathtub  in. 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  What  are  yer  doin?  "  I  yells. 

"  It's  de  only  way  f er  ter  find  de  leak !  "  he 
says. 

"  Yer  kin  leave  de  plumbin'  part  ter  meh," 
I  says,  "  an'  go  down  in  de  parlor  an'  look 
out  fer  de  missus." 

"  All  right/'  says  he,  grabbin'  a  hammer 
an'  a  saw  an'  a  chisel,  "  I'll  take  dese  ter 
make  a  bluff  at  bein'  busy." 

An'  while  I  was  cuttin'  two  wood  plugs  ter 
stuff  in  de  ends  ef  de  pipes  what  I  intended 
ter  cut  out,  I  hears  a  terruble  noise  from  de 
parler,  an'  Sam  he  yells  up,  "  Oh,  Moll- 
buzzer,  come  down  quick ;  de  ceilin'  is  ca,vin' 
in,  an'  I  can't  find  de  leak !  " 

I  kites  down  de  stairs  a  skeert  out  ef  meh 
wits,  an'  sure  enuff  dere  was  a  hole  in  de 
parler  wall  big  enuff  ter  put  de  bathtub  in, 
an'  de  water  was  a-comin'  out  like  from  a 
summer  fountain;  fer  Sam  must  'a'  cut  a 
hole  thru  de  pipe!  An'  de  Swede  gurl  was 
a-sittin'  on  a  chair,  rockin'  herself  up  an' 
172 


Gettin'  Along  in  de  World 

down,  an'  a-hidin'  her  head  in  her  apron  like 
she  was  goin'  crazy. 

"Who  toled  yer  ter  do  dat!"  I  hollers. 
"  Didn't  I  say  ter  leave  de  plumbin'  ter  meh? 
Does  yer  want  de  whole  house  ter  come 
down?" 

"  Well,  Mollbuzzer,"  he  whispers,  "  de 
Swede  gurl  was  a-standin'  around  an-  look- 
in'  an'  I  had  ter  do  somethin'  fer  a 
bluff ! " 

"  Fer  Heaven's  sake  don't  touch  it  agin," 
I  says,  an'  I  climbs  up  de  ladder  he  had  dere, 
an  I  puts  meh  head  in  de  hole  ter  look  aroun' 
an'  all  de  time  dere  was  a  little  river 
flowin'  northwest  by  southeast  thru  de 
parler.  It  made  meh  turn  pale,  I  kin  tell 
yer. 

"  Dere  ain't  much  time  ter  monkey,  Sam," 
I  says,  thinkin'  about  de  nice  lead  waitin' 
upstairs.  "  Jist  yer  hand  meh  a  couple  ef 
dem  rugs  on  de  floor  an'  I'll  stuff  'ein  in  here 
ez  best  I  kin." 

173 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

An'  when  he  grabbed  de  rugs  de  Swede 
gurl  come  ter  herself,  an'  she  lets  out  a  most 
fierce  yell,  grabbin'  Sam  by  de  arm  ter  git  de 
rugs  from  him.  "  Meh  Heavens ! "  she 
screams,  "  what  is  youse  goin'  ter  do !  De 
house  is  ruined  now !  O  Lord,  what  '11 1  do? 
I  wish  missus  was  back,  I  do.  It  '11  take  a 
week  fer  ter  git  dis  parler  back  inter 
shape!  " 

"  No  it  won't,  neither,"  says  Sam,  pullin' 
de  rugs  away  from  her  an'  handin'  'em  ter 
meh,  "  yer  kin  turn  de  hose  on,  light  de  stove, 
an'  use  de  broom  an'  dry  it  out  in  less  en  no 
time!" 

"  Wimens  makes  meh  nervous  when  I'm 
workin',"  I  says  to  de  gurl.  "  Now  yer  jist 
run  out  ef  here.  I  knows  meh  bizness  when 
it  comes  ter  plumbin',  I  guess." 

"  I  ain't  goin'  out,  neither ;  I'm  goin'  ter 
stay  right  here  an'  see  what  yer  doin,"  she 
says. 

An'  jist  den  de  water  breaks  out  like  from 
174 


Gettin'  Along  in  de  World 


a  tire-engine  hose  an'  dose  rugs  falls  out  on 
de  floor  an'  I  gets  wet  to  de  skin,  an'  de 
Swede  gurl  hollers  like  a  ijiot. 

"  Dere,  yer  see  what  yer  done !  "  I  yells, 
flyin'  orff  de  ladder,  "  count  ef  yer  wimen's 
ways  ef  standin'  'round  here.  Go  an'  git 
a  candle,  fer  dat  pipe  broke  in  anudder 
place,  an'  I  must  find  it.  Run  fer  yer  life  er 
de  whole  ceilin'  'ill  be  down  on  yer  head  in 
a  minute ! " 

"  Sam,'  I  says  when  she  was  gone,  "  we're 
in  a  lively  fix.  Dis  job  is  wuth  two  years 
apiece  now,  an'  it  '11  be  worth  more  every 
minute.  Dere  ain't  nothin'  ter  do  but  ter 
saw  orff  de  legs  from  dat  gold  chair  an' 
stuff  'em  in  de  pipe." 

"  Yer  had  better  put  de  rugs  back,  Moll- 
buzzer,"  he  says,  lightin'  his  pipe  an'  puttin' 
his  feet  on  top  de  marbul  table,  like  ez  ef 
dere  wasn't  nothin'  de  matter. 

"  I'm  wet  enough,"  I  says ;  "  you  kin  do  it. 
It's  yer  fault,  anyways !  " 
170 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  No  use  ef  both  ef  us  gettin'  wet,"  he  says, 
sittin'  calm  an'  smokin'  an'  leavin'  meh  ter 
saw  de  legs  ef  de  chair  orff. 

Den  de  Swede  gurl,  not  findin'  de  candle 
in  de  kitchen,  goes  up  ter  de.  bathroom  fer  it, 
an'  when  she  seed  what  we  done  up  dere  she 
screams  like  a  whole  insane  'sylum. 

"  Shin  upstairs,  Foxy,"  I  says,  "  an'  lock 
de  gurl  in  de  bathroom,  fer  I'm  afreerd  she'll 
make  trouble  fer  us !  " 

An'  I  climbed  up  on  de  ladder  agin,  f  eelin' 
wet  an'  mad,  ter  plug  de  pipe  wid  de  chair 
legs  an'  ter  put  de  rugs  an'  two  soffee  pillers 
in  de  hole.  De  leak  stops  den,  but  dat 
Swede  gurl  begins  ter  scream  agin  like  fury 
an'  ter  bang  and  pound  de  door  ef  de  bath 
room. 

"  Sam,"  I  yells,  goin'  inter  de  hall  an' 
callin7  up,  "  de  leak  is  stopped  an'  de  gurl  is 
locked  up,  so  I  guess  it's  a  good  time  ter  fly 
de  coop ! " 

"  But  de  pipes  an'  de  plumbin'  tools  is 
176 


Gettin'  Along  in  de  World 

locked  up  wid  de  gurl,  an'  where  is  we  goin' 
ter  be  ahead?  "  he  axes. 

"We'll  have  ter  go,  anyways,"  I  says; 
"  it's  gettin'  dangerous.  Maybe  we  kin  take 
a  couple  ef  coats  ter  make  up  fer  our  loss  ef 
time  an'  trouble !  " 

"  I  tell  yer  what  yer  kin  do,  Mollbuzzer,'' 
he  says ;  "  cut  a  hole  thru  de  parler  wall  an' 
we  kin  pull  de  tools  thru  de  hole." 

"  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  do  no  sich  thing,"  I 
says. 

"  If  you  don't  I  will,"  he  says,  a-startin' 
down ;  "  a  few  more  feet  ef  hole  ain't  a-goin' 
ter  make  no  diff  erunce,  an'  dose  tools  is  ourn, 
anyways.  Why  fer  should  we  leave  'em 
here?  " 

An'  afore  I  could  stop  Sam  he  climbs  up 
de  ladder  agin,  jerks  de  rugs  out,  an'  begins 
ter  hammer  an'  chisel  thru  de  plaster  an'  de 
slats. 

"Yer  crazy,"  I  yells,  a-tryin'  ter  stop 
him. 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  I  ain't,  neither,"  he  answers ;  "  I  kin  put 
meh  head  thru  already !  " 

"  De  Swede  gurl  '11  ketch  yer  by  de  neck 
an'  choke  yer  ter  death !  "  I  says. 

An'  sure  enuff,  jist  ez  I  said,  de  Swede 
gurl  sticks  her  foot  thru  de  hole  which  Sam 
made  an'  gives  him  a  kick  what  sent  him 
tumblin'  orff  de  ladder.  "  Oh,  Mollbuzzer, 
Fm  dead!"  he  yells;  "I'm  dead!"  An' 
so  he  would  'a'  been  ef  I  didn't  ketch 
him. 

"  Dose  Swede  gurls  is  terribul,"  he  says, 
sittin'  down  an'  feelin'  ef  his  head.  "  Tm 
never  goin'  in  a  house  agin  where  a  Swede 
gurl  is ! " 

"  Got  enuff?  "  I  axes. 

"  We  kin  cut  down  de  whole  wall,"  he 
says ;  "  an'  let  de  Swede  gurl  an'  de  tools  an' 
all  come  thru !  " 

"  Dere's  de  missus !  "  I  says,  hearin'  de  bell 
ring ;  "  I  guess  dere  won't  be  time !  " 

"  I  guess  not,"  he  says ;  an'  we  went  out 
178 


Gettin'  Along  in  de  World 

by  de  back  door,  meh  freezin'  ter  death  wid 
de  cold  an7  de  wet  an'  him  cussin'  all  de  time 
'cause  I  didn't  do  as  he  wanted  an'  sell  dose 
tools  ter  Sam  de  Scribe.  I  guess  he  was 
right. 


179 


IV 
GETTIN'  EVEN  WID  DE  WORLD 

In  which  I  tells  de  secret  ef  how  I  missed 
gettin'  rich,  an'  don't  charge  nothin'  fer  it. 

I  STAYED  in  "  De  Star  Ef  Hope  "  up  till 
January  de  first,  which  was  de  day  when 
Sam  de  Scribe  come  ter  nieh  an'  says,  "  Moll- 
buzzer,  I  got  a  scheme.  I  want  ter  be  de  J. 
Pierpont  Morgan  ef  de  beggar  world.  We 
kin  make  a  trust  ez  easy  ez  not,  an'  I'll  be 
prisident  an'  yer  kin  be  secretary.  Mor 
gan's  got  everything  else  an'  I  guess  he  won't 
bother  'bout  us  none.  Ef  he  does  I  kin 
squeeze  him  inter  a  corner.  It  might  be  a 
good  idee,"  he  says  wid  a  wise  wink,  "  ter 
take  Morgan  in,  ef  he  behaves  hisself." 

"  Quit  yer  jokin',  Sam,"  I  says,  "  what's 
up?" 

"  Well,"  says  Sam,  "  de  cops  has  got  dis 
joint  spotted  pretty  clost  an'  I  think  we  bet 
ter  move  out  an'  rint  a  place  ef  our  own.  I 
180 


3  ir     \^\ 


:i 


Gettin'  Even  wid  de  World 

knows  a  whole  house  near  Fulton  street 
what  we  kin  rint  fer  twenty  dollars  a  month. 
We  kin  take  de  best  '  yeagers '  in  de  town 
wid  us,  an'  ef  we  work  things  proper  we  kin 
run  all  de  rest  ef  'em  out,  er  make  'em  work 
fer  us !  "  I  said  ez  I  was  willing  an'  de  next 
day  Sam  picked  his  men,  which  was  about  a 
dozen,  an'  we  went  over  near  ter  Fulton 
street  ter  live.  De  house  wasn't  much  ter 
brag  about  inside  ner  outside,  an'  all  we  put 
in  it  was  ourselves  an'  heaps  ef  rags  an' 
newspapers  fer  beds. 

Most  ef  de  dozen  has  made  deir  names  so 
familiar  in  de  newspapers  an'  de  jails  dat 
dey  is  famous  widout  wantin'  ter  be,  which 
is  hard  when  yer  thinks  ef  de  number  ef 
peepul  in  dis  world  what  is  dyin'  fer  fame 
an'  can't  git  it.  De  most  useful  in  de  lot, 
next  ter  meh  an'  Sam  de  Scribe,  was  a  feller 
we  called  Doctor  Dan.  He  knowed  all  about 
medicine  an'  surgery  an'  inakin'  bandidges, 
him  havin'  been  a  horse  doctor  er  somethin' 
181 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

like  it  oncet.  He  showed  us  how  ter  dye  our 
legs  an'  arms  red  wid  acids  an'  make  'em 
look  ez  ef  dey  was  burned  in  a  fire  er  hurt 
in  a  exploshun,  accordin'  ez  Sam's  letters 
said.  Fer  a  fact  I  seed  him  coax  one  ef  de 
"yeagers"  inter  havin'  his  two  long  legs 
pulled  out  ef  joint,  fer  de  sake  ef  workin'  de 
Amerikin  peepul  better.  De  beggar's  name 
was  Cripple  Charlie,  an'  I  kin  tell  yer  he 
was  most  mad  when  he  wanted  his  two  legs 
put  back  inter  shape  an'  Dan  couldn't  do  it 
ez  he  promised.  He  swore  he'd  have  Doctor 
Dan  arristed  fer  practicin'  widout  a  license, 
an'  ef  Sam  hadn't  a  smoothed  it  over  de  ras- 
cul  would  have  done  it. 

Our  earnings  was  mighty  good,  fer  Sam 
said  he  wouldn't  have  no  beggar  in  de  place 
what  couldn't  bring  in  two  dollars  a  day, 
an'  he  made  'em  all  work  an'  contribute  der 
share  to  de  treasury.  Ef  yer  wants  ter  know 
what  Sam  done  to  de  treasury  yer'll  have  ter 
ask  him,  'cause  he  never  tole  meh.  Der  was 
182 


Gettin'  Even  wid  de  World 

more  en  one  row  over  it,  but  Sam  could  al 
ways  arithmetic  it  out  how  every  man  would 
git  his  share  in  de  end  ef  de  season.  We  used 
ter  "  prowl,"  which  is  ter  beg,  all  day  an' 
most  all  night,  fer  we  diwided  ourselves 
inter  shifts  an'  took  turns.  We  spent  our 
idle  moments  playin'  a  game  called  "  Turn 
over,"  which  is  played  wid  nine  cards.  It 
was  Sam  de  Scribe's  own  invention,  I  guess, 
'cause  he  had  all  our  money  long  afore  de 
rest  ef  us  learned  how.  Maybe  he  used  ten 
cards,  but  I  watched  him  close  an'  I  could 
never  see.  Since  den  I  have  learned  better 
en  ter  play  any  man's  game  but  meh  own, 
an'  ter  be  sure  I  understand  meh  own  game. 
De  twelve  ef  us  jist  took  what  part  ef  de 
town  we  wanted,  an'  ef  we  caught  any  other 
beggar  on  our  quart ers^we  jist  made  him  join 
us  er  git  out.  Dey  howled  first,  but  dey  soon 
found  out  it  was  cheaper  ter  come  in,  'cause 
we  follered  'em  aroun'  an'  made  sich  trouble 
fer  'em  dat  dey  got  sick.  Afore  de  winter 
183 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

was  over  we  had  twenty-five  in  de  house,  an' 
we  was  eollectin'  from  ten  ter  twenty-five 
cents  a  week  from  ez  many  more.  Den  Sam 
de  Scribe  he  got  de  swell  head  an'  changed 
his  name  ter  Samuel  de  Cadger  King ;  which 
made  trouble.  I  warned  him,  but  he 
wouldn't  listen,  sayin'  he  was  goin'  ter  be 
king  er  nothin'. 

Sam  invented  a  system  ef  signs  which  we 
used  ter  mark  on  de  houses.  De  sign  ef  a 
cross  dog  was  X  ;  fer  a  cross  dog  an'  a  cross 
woman  it  was  * ;  fer  a  kind  lady  it  was  O ; 
fer  food  an'  clothes  it  was  © ;  fer  money  it 
was  0  „  An7  so  we  had  signs  fer  most  every 
thing,  which  saved  a  heap  ef  time  an' 
trouble.  But  Hungry  Henry  an'  one  er  two 
more  ef  'em  got  mad  at  Sam  fer  puttin'  on 
airs  an'  playin'  king,  an'  dey  left  de  house 
an'  went  aroun'  de  town  changin'  our  signs, 
an'  I  nearly  lost  meh  leg  by  goin'  inter  a 
house  marked  wid  de  money  sign  an'  findin' 
a  lively  bulldorg  in  de  back  yard. 
184 


DE  THEFT  EF  DE  PERSEAN  CAT 
Bein?  de  account  ef  why  it  ain't  no  more 
wrong  tcr  steal  animuls  den  ter  steal  any 
thing  else. 

Now,  talkin'  about  bulldorgs  an'  kind 
ladies  an'  beggars'  signs  reminds  meh  ef 
what  happened  ter  meh  wid  a  Persean  cat. 
I  was  a-travelin'  thru  de  alley  one  day  when 
I  seen  de  sign  ef  a  kind  lady  on  de  back-yard 
door.  Den  I  peeped  over  de  fence  an'  I 
seen  dat  de  back  yard  was  full  ef  cats,  dem 
cats  bein'  in  a  wire  cage  what  had  tracks  fer 
'em  ter  walk  up  an'  down,  jist  like  a  eler- 
wated  railroad.  I  axes  somebody  what  it 
means,  an'  he  says: 

"  It's  a  old  maid  lady  what  keeps  a  eatery 
er  a  cateract — dat  is  ter  say,  a  home  fer 
cats."  An'  he  pints  out  one  cat,  a  big  white 
feller  wid  a  long  fuzzy  tail,  an'  he  says  dat 
dis  one  was  a  Persean  cat  an'  wuth  five  hun 
dred  dollars! 

185 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"What  fer  is  he  wuth  dat  much?"  axes 
I.  "  Is  it  a'count  ef  his  skin?  " 

"  Oh,  no,"  laffs  he,  "  it's  nice  fer  ter  see 
an'  ter  have  aroun'  de  house ! " 

"  Kin  he  do  tricks?  "  axes  I. 

"  No,"  grins  he,  "  but  some  people  fancies 
cats  an'  some  dorgs  an'  some  birds ;  old  maid 
ladies  preferrin'  cats  ginerally." 

"Why  fer?"  axes  I. 

"  Cats  bein'  considered  good  luck,"  ex 
plains  he,  "  now  dem  Malteaser  cats  keeps 
de  consumptshun  away,  an'  de  Persean  cats 
keeps  orff  rheumatisum.  A  cat  is  full  ef  'lec- 
tricity,"  he  says,  "  some  cats  havin'  one  kind 
an'  some  anuder." 

"  Rich  folkses  is  queer  wid  deir  money,-' 
says  I. 

"  Not  so  funny  when  yer  comes  ter  con 
sider,"  he  says ;  "  fer  dem  cats  in  de  long 
run  don't  cost  no  more  en  doctors.  An'  ef 
yer  has  all  kinds  ef  cats  yer  don't  need  no 
doctors." 

186 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

An'  I  goes  orff  a-scratchin'  meh  head  an' 
wonderin'  howl  could  coax  dat  five-hundred 
dollar  Persean  cat  inter  in  eh  pocket,  when 
I  runs  up  agin  Hungry  Henry.  An'  we  con 
siders  fer  a  while  an'  den  we  puts  all  de  coin 
what  we  could  scrape  up  inter  buyin'  a  big 
baskut  wid  a  cover.  An'  we  goes  along  de 
front  ef  de  house  where  de  old  maid  lady 
an'  her  cat  lives.  I  notices  a  pile  ef  coal 
dere,  an'  I  has  an  ideer,  an'  so  I  sends  Henry 
wid  de  baskut  aroun'  de  corner  fer  ter  wait 
till  I  calls  him.  An'  I  rings  de  bell  an'  axes 
de  gurl  what  comes  to  de  door  ef  she  wants 
de  coal  put  in. 

"  I'll  call  missus,"  says  she,  "  an  see." 
An'  den  de  old  maid  lady,  what  has  long 
side  curls  an'  glasses  an'  sharp  eyes,  an'  is 
tall  an'  thin,  comes  down  an'  axes: 

"How  much  a  ton?" 

"  Jist  give  meh  a  bite  ter  eat,  says  I,  "  an' 
a  hot  cup  ef  coffee  an'  I'll  put  in  de  coal 
what's  dere  fer  a  dollar." 
187 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  All  right/7  says  she ;  an'  de  girl  takes 
meh  inter  de  kitchun  an'  trots  out  de  grub, 
an'  while  I  was  a-thinkin'  an  a-watchin'  fer 
de  Persean  cat  de  missus  conies  down  an' 
says: 

"  Dere's  a  board  er  two  gone  from  de  coal- 
bin  in  de  back  yard.  Kin  yer  fix  it?  " 

"  I  kin,"  says  I,  "  but  I  won't." 

"  Why  fer  not,  I'd  like  ter  know?  "  says 
she. 

"  It's  agin  union  laws,"  I  says,  "  fer  de 
coal-heavers  an'  coal-carriers  ter  do  carpin- 
ter  work." 

"  Dear  me !  dose  unions  is  gettin'  awful," 
says  she. 

"  I'm  sorry,"  I  says,  "  yer  bein'  so  kind 
an'  a  old  maid  lady  asides,  an' " 

"  What  has  dat  got  ter  do  wid  it?  "  says 
she,  a-gettin'  red  ez  a  hot  coal. 

"  Nothin'  perticular,"  I  says,  seein'  as  I 
must  have  made  a  mistake  an'  not  knowin' 
just  where,  "  but  it  do  seem  no  more  en  right 
188 


De  Theft  ef  de  Perseau  Cat 
fer  a  singul  lady  ter  pay  only  half  ez  much 

"  Jane,"  says  she  to  de  gurl,  cuttin'  meh 
short,  "  git  a  carpinter." 

"  Hold  on,"  I  says ;  "  I  knows  a  feller  out 
ef  a  job  what  '11  be  glad  fer  ter  put  dem 
boards  back  fer  a  dime.  I  kin  get  him  here 
in  less  en  a  minute." 

"  All  right,"  says  she ;  "  hurry  along." 

"  No  hurry,  mum,"  says  I,  "  no  hurry ; 
he'll  be  dere  all  day.  An'  I  meant  no  of 
fenses,  mum,  when  I  says  ez  singul  ladies 
an'  double  ladies " 

"  Hurry  along,"  snaps  she. 

An'  I  runs  out  an'  brings  Henry  back. 
An'  de  gurl  leaves  us  in  agin,  an'  I  says 
loud,  so  she  kin  hear: 

"Got  all  de  tools  in  de  baskut,  Mr. 
Henry?" 

"  Sure,"  says  he ;  "  hammer  an'  saw  an' 
all." 

An'  de  old  maid  lady  comes  down  an' 
189 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

says,  "  I  like  fer  ter  have  de  price  fixed  in 
adwance." 

So  Henry  an'  meh  starts  fer  de  yard 
where  de  cats  is,  an'  him,  like  a  fool,  goes 
right  ter  de  cateract  an'  peeps  thru  de  wires 
at  'em. 

"  Don't  mind  dem  cats,"  scolds  de  old 
maid  lady ;  "  dey  will  take  care  ef  dem- 
selves.  What  '11  yer  charge  ter  fix  dose 
boards?" 

"  Well,  I'll  tell  yer,"  says  he,  lookin'  at 
de  bin,  "  I'll  fix  it,  an'  take  a  cat  fer  meh 
little  gurl  ter  home." 

"  I  guess  not,"  says  she,  laffin' ;  "  why,  dat 
Persean  cat  alone  is  wuth  more  en  a  hun 
dred  coal  bins." 

"  I  tole  yer  so,  Henry !  "  I  yells,  a'count 
ef  him  not  bein'  willin'  ter  believe  meh  when 
I  tells  him  de  price  ef  a  Persean  cat. 

"  Tole  him  what?  "  axes  she,  lookin'  sharp 
at  meh. 

"  Dat  Persean  cats,  keepin'  rheumatisum 
190 


De  Theft  of  de  Persean  Cat 

away,  is  wuth  more  en  a  coal  bin,  an'  him 
not  willin'  ter  believe  it," 

An'  she  laffs  agin  an'  says :  "  Oh,  dear ; 
youse  is  two  funny  men."  An'  she  an'  Henry 
agrees  on  de  price  ef  two  bits  fer  ter  fix  de 
coal  bin;  an'  she  says: 

"  De  gurl  'ill  pay  yer  when  yer  done,  fer  I 
must  be  a-goin'  downtown." 

"  An'  who'll  pay  meh?  "  .axes  I. 

"  I'll  be  back  in  time,"  says  she,  an'  she 
goes  an'  leaves  meh  in  de  yard  wid  Henry. 

An'  Henry  says  ter  meh :  "  You  go  an'  git 
a  barrul  full  ef  coal  in  an'  I'll  look  aroun'." 
An'  when  I  comes  back  wid  de  coal  he  says : 

"  Dere's  a  big  Newfoundlander  dorg  next 
door;  yer  kin  hear  him  a-barkin'  at  dose 
cats." 

"Well?"  axes  I. 

"  I'm  a-goin'  ter  fiddle  aroun'  a  while," 
says  he,  "  an'  knock  a  hole  in  de  fence  an' 
leave  de  dorg  in." 

"  Why  fer?  "  axes  I. 
191 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Ter  skeer  dose  cats/'  says  he. 

"  What  good  'ill  dat  do?  "  I  axes. 

"  Well/'  says  he,  "  I'll  knock  de  lock  orff 
de  cateract,  open  de  door,  an'  let  dose  cats 
out,  an'  de  gurl  'ill  come  an'  chase  de  cats 
an'  de  dorg,  an'  I  grabs  de  Persean  cat  an* 
puts  him  in  de  baskut.  See?  " 

"  I  see,"  says  I. 

So  he  goes  ter  de  gurl  an'  says  he  fergot 
his  hammer  an'  his  saw,  an?  she  gets  'em 
from  de  house;  an'  he  comes  back  into  de 
yard  an'  says  ter  meh : 

"  Mollbuzzer,  go  an'  talk  to  de  gurl  while 
I  saws  out  a  hole  in  de  fence  an'  takes  de 
lock  orff  de  cateract." 

So  I  goes  into  de  house  an'  de  gurl  says, 
"  What's  de  matter  now?  " 

"  I  broke  a  hole  in  de  barrul,"  I  says,  "  an' 
I'll  have  ter  have  anudder  one." 

"  You'll  find  one  in  de  cellar,  downstairs," 
says  she. 

"  I  won't  go  down  in  no  cellar,"  I  says, 
193 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

"  a'count  ef  ghostes  which  lives  in  cellars 
and  downstairs  places." 

An'  de  gurl  laffs  an'  she  goes  down  inter 
de  cellar  an'  I  looks  out  ef  de  kitchun  win 
der  an'  seed  Henry  a-cuttin'  a  hole  fer  de 
Newfoundlander  dorg. 

"  Der  ain't  time  ter  cut  de  whole  fence 
down !  "  I  yells ;  "  dat  dorg  ain't  no  eler- 
phunt!" 

"  Mind  yer  own  business,"  says  he,  a- 
sawin'  an'  a-hamnierin'  away,  "  an'  keep  de 
gurl  busy." 

An'  when  de  gurl  comes  back  wid  de  bar- 
rul  I  says,  "  Dat  barrul  won't  do." 

"  Why  not?  "  she  axes.  "  It's  de  same  ez 
de  udder  one  was." 

"  Dat  shows  all  yer  knows  about  barruls," 
I  says.  "  It  looks  de  same,  but  it  ain't  de 
same,"  I  says.  "  Ef  yer  ever  carried  coal 
yer'd  know  a  barrul  wid  three  hoops  don't 
hold  ez  much  ez  one  wrid  two  hoops,  'cause  it 
don't  stretch  so  much." 
193 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  I  never  heard  de  like,"  says  she.  "  Yer 
kin  take  one  hoop  orff." 

"  All  right,"  I  says ;  "  git  meh  a  pair  ef 
scissors." 

"  Scissors !  "  says  she. 

"  Yes,  scissors,"  I  says,  a-tryin'  ter  gain 
time.  "  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  take  de  hoop  orff 
de  barrul  wid  meh  teeth." 

"  Sunday  an'  Monday ! "  yells  she,  a- 
peepin'  out  ef  de  winder  ef  a  suddint,  "  what 
is  dat  carpinter  a-doin'  ter  de  fence?  An' 
dat  big  Newfoundlander  dorg  next  door! 
Missus  said  ter  fix  de  coal  bin,  not  ter  tear 
de  fence  down !  " 

"  He's  gettin'  boards  out  ef  de  fence 
ter  put  in  de  bin,"  I  explains. 

"  I'll  board  him,"  says  she,  a-takin'  a 
broom  an'  runnin'  fer  de  door. 

"  Hold  on,"  I  says,  a-standin'  in  her  way, 
"  yer  wouldn't  hit  a  lonely  carpinter  man," 
I  says. 

"  Let  go !  "  she  hollers. 
194 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

"  Oh,  Mollbuzzer,  come  quick ! "  yells 
Henry  in  de  yard.  An'  I  pushes  her  back  an' 
shuts  de  door  an'  springs  fer  de  yard  jist 
when  Henry  throwed  de  door  ef  de  cateract 
wide  open,  an'  de  Newfoundlander  dorg 
springs  in  de  yard,  a-barkin'  an'  a-howlin' 
an'  a-makin'  fer  de  cateract.  An'  dose  cats 
meows  an'  meows  an'  spits  fire  ez  ef  all  de 
rheumatisuni  an'  consumptshun  in  de  world 
was  let  loose  at  'em.  An'  dey  goes  a-flyin' 
an'  a-spinnin'  fer  de  top  track  in  de  cate 
ract. 

An'  Henry  makes  fer  de  back  fence,  de 
baskut  on  his  arm,  an'  his  hands  a-bleedin' 
awful,  so  I  knows  de  Persean  cat  was 
ourn. 

But  de  Newfoundlander  dorg  loses  his 
head  an'  seein'  he  couldn't  get  one  ef  de  cats 
he  makes  fer  Henry,  an'  he  almost  has  him 
by  de  leg,  but  Henry  has  had  more  practice 
in  fences,  I  reckon,  den  dorgs,  fer  he  gives 
dat  Newfoundlander  de  double  quick  wid 
195 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

his  boot  across  de  nose  an'  jumps  inter  de 
alley  like  a  skeered  rooster. 

An'  de  gurl,  a-screemin'  an'  a-yellin'  more 
en  de  blame  cats  an'  de  Newfoundlander, 
slams  de  cateract  door  shut.  I  makes  fer 
de  fence,  but  de  dorg  shows  his  teeth  an' 
looks  bizness  out  ef  his  eye,  an'  dere  I  was 
atween  de  gurl  an'  de  Newfoundlander. 

"  Dis  is  a  outrage !  "  screams  she.  "  I'm 
goin'  ter  get  de  law  on  you !  " 

"  Get  de  law  on !  "  I  screams  back,  "  but 
call  de  dorg  orff.  Ef  yer  does  I  kin  git  dat 
five-hundred-dollar  Persean  cat  back,  which 
I  seen  jump  over  de  fence." 

"  O  Lord !  it's  so !  "  she  says ;  "  missus  'ill 
be  crazy.  Sunday  an'  Monday !  dat  cat  was 
de  pride  ef  her  heart,  it  was,"  an'  she  leans 
her  head  agin  de  cateract  like  ez  ef  she  was 
a-goin'  crazy,  too. 

"  Call  de  dorg  orff!  "  I  yells  agin;  "  dat 
five-hundred-dollar  cat  ain't  a-goin'  ter  come 
back  'cause  yer  keeps  yer  eyes  shut!  " 
196 


-  ,  r '  ' 

x&y 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

An'  de  Newfoundlander,  seein'  dat  dose 
cats  was  come  ter  de  ground  floor  ef  de  cate- 
ract  agin,  he  makes  fer  'em,  an'  I  springs 
fer  de  fence,  an'  de  dorg  turns  fer  men  agin 
an'  de  gurl  hits  meh  a  whack  wid  de  broom, 
a-hollerin' : 

"  I'll  hoop  yer!  I'll  barrul  yer!  I'll  scis 
sors  yer ! " 

An'  de  Newfoundlander  samples  a  yard  ef 
meh  pants,  which  I  was  erbliged  ter  leave 
wid  him ;  an'  I  kites  ater  Henry. 

An'  I  hears  a  meowin'  an'  a-barkin  agin, 
an'  I  turns  an'  sees  dose  cats  a-runnin'  right 
an'  left  fer  de  fences  an'  everywhere,  which 
frightens  de  life  out  ef  meh,  fer  I  didn't 
know  de  habits  ef  Malteasers  an'  Persean 
cats,  an'  I  thought  maybe  dey  was  ater  meh. 
So  I  runs  as  I  never  hopes  ter  run  agin ;  an' 
none  too  quick,  neither,  fer  peepul  was  a- 
comin'  down  dat  alley  like  ter  a  fire,  an'  a 
cop  er  two  wid  'em. 

Henry  an'  meh  figured  it  out  an'  we 
197 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

thought  it  would  be  better  ter  rent  a  room 
fer  de  night  at  de  Star  Ef  Hope  an'  ter  lay 
low  instead  ef  goin'  back  home.  We  stayed 
dere  a  long  time,  too  skeered  fer  ter  speak, 
but  in  de  night  Henry  he  wakes  up  ter  his- 
self  an'  he  says : 

"  Molbuzzer,  now  dat  de  five-hundred  Per- 
sean  cat  is  ourn,  what  will  we  do  wid 
it?" 

"  Yer  don't  expict  ter  put  it  in  a  bank," 
I  answers,  "de  same  ez  ef  it  was  money? 
De  fust  thing  ter  do  is  ter  read  de  papers  in 
de  mornin'  an'  look  fer  a  riward !  " 

"  But  I'm  gettin'  nervous  'bout  de  whole 
blame  bizness,"  says  he. 

"  Well,  den,"  says  I,  "  maybe  it  'ill  be  bet 
ter  ter  go  back  home  an'  see  Sam." 

"  Yes,"  he  says,  "  an'  Sam  'ill  want  de  cat, 
tail  an'  all,  fer  readin'  jist  a  line! " 

So  we  talked  it  up  an'  down,  an'  come  to 
de  point  dat  we  fought  it  would  be  best 
ter  go  back  home  wid  de  blamed  cat  an'  tell 
198 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

Sam  what  happened  an'  take  his  adwice. 
An'  Sam  was  mighty  mad  at  first  an'  called 
us  traitors;  but  seem'  it  might  be  a  good 
bizness  fer  us  free,  he  cooled  orff  an'  says 
he  would  help  all  he  could.  An'  sure  enuff, 
we  reads  a  piece  in  de  paper  de  next  mornin' 
sayin'  fifty  dollars  reward  an'  no  questions 
axed  fer  de  return  ef  de  cat  ter  de  old  maid 
lady. 

"  No  questions  'ill  be  axed,"  I  says ; 
"  dey'll  jist  grab  us  an'  put  us  in  jail,  an' 
dat  will  be  all !  Who'll  take  de  cat  back?  " 

"  I'll  take  de  cat  back  jist  ter  akomerdate 
yer,"  says  Sam. 

"  An'  grab  de  riward  ter  akomerdate  us, 
too,"  says  Henry. 

"  Well,"  says  Sam,  "  we'll  di wide ;  yose 
fellers  kin  each  keep  ten  an'  men  thirty." 

"  That's  jist  plain  robbery  an'  no  diwision 
at  all,"  I  says. 

"  But  I'm  takin'  de  chances  ef  bein  sent 
ter  jail,"  says  Sam. 

199 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  All  free  ef  us  'ill  go  an'  share  an'  share 
alike,"  I  says. 

"  Dat's  right  enuff,"  Henry  says,  "  but  I 
can't  see  how  yer  kin  diwide  fifty  dollars 
equal  at  ween  free  peepul !  " 

An'  jist  den  dat  Persean  cat  gets  out  ef  de 
baskut  somehow,  an'  afore  we  could  grab 
him  by  his  long  fuzzy  tail  he  runs  thru  a 
hole  in  de  wall  an'  is  gone  out  ef  our 
sight! 

"  Yer  see  what  yer  done  by  yer  argufyin' 
an'  yer  disputin',"  swears  Sam.  "  Now  none 
ef  us  gets  nothinM  Mollbuzzer,"  he  says, 
"  kin  climb  on  de  roof  an'  watch  wid  a  stick 
so  ez  de  cat  can't  git  away  thru  de  chimbley, 
an'  you,  Henry,  kin  watch  de  hole  in  de  wall 
Here." 

"  Git  some  one  wid  de  rheumatisum,"  I 
says,  "  ter  coax  de  cat  back.''  . 

"  Rheumatisum,  yer  grandma/'  says  Sam, 
him  not  knowin'  ez  much  about  Persean 
cats  ez  meh ;  "  I'm  goin'  ter  see  a  horse  doc- 
200 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

tor  what  I  knows^  Doc  Dan  not  bein'  ter 
home." 

"  What  fer  a  horse  doctor?  "  axes  I. 

"  I  knows  what  I'm  about,"  says  Sam,  an' 
he  goes  away,  an'  Henry  shins  on  top  ef  de 
roof,  an'  I  watches  de  hole  in  de  wall  ef  de 
room. 

An'  Sam  comes  back  soon  an'  says,  "  It 
cost  meh  twinty  cents  fer  catnip  an'  fried 
fish  what  de  horse  doctor  told  meh  fer  ter 
buy  ter  coax  de  cat  back." 

"  Dat's  more  en  I'd  pay  fer  a  meal  fer 
mehself,"  says  I. 

"  All  right,"  says  Sam,  "  but  yer  ain't 
wuth  no  five  hundred  an'  fifty  dollars, 
neither." 

"  It's  strange,"  puts  in  Henry,  "  dat  a  cat 
should  be  wuth  more  en  a  man,  ain't  it? 
How  does  yer  explain  it,  Sam?  " 

"  Get  de  cat  back  an'  I'll  explain  it  ater- 
wards,"  says  Sam. 

An'  Sam  he  puts  de  catnip  an'  de  fried 
201 


is*~"~"  *"" 

The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

fish  near  de  hole,  an'  ater  a  while  de  cat 
puts  his  head  out  thru  de  wall  an'  he  grabs 
it. 

"  Don't  kill  him,"  I  says. 

"  Yer  kin  hold  him,"  says  he,  a-hollerin' 
blue  blazes,  "  ef  yer  knows  so  much !  " 

So  we  puts  de  cat  back  in  de  baskut,  an' 
along  night  we  goes  ter  de  home  ef  de  old 
maid  lady  an'  de  cateract. 

"  De  cat  comes  back,"  I  says  ter  de  gurl 
when  she  comes  to  de  door. 

"  Ain't  youse  de  biggest  rasculs  in  de 
whole  world?"  she  axes,  gettin'  red  in  de 
face. 

"  No  questions  axed,"  I  says,  "  accordin' 
to  de  riward." 

"  Thank  the  Lord  anyways  dat  it's  back," 
she  says,  "  fer  missus  is  sick  in  bed  an'  al 
most  dead  wid '' 

"  Wid  de  rheumatisum?  ''  I  axes. 

"  You  an'  yer  rheumatisum,"  says  Sam, 
"  don't  talk  so  much." 
202 


"An*  Sam  be  puts  de  catnip  a?f  de 
fried  fisb  near  de  hole. 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

"  Give  meh  Lady  Grimalakins,"  says  de 
gurl. 

"  We  didn't  bring  no  lady ;  we  brung  de 
cat  back,"  I  says. 

"  Dat's  de  name  ef  de  cat,"  says  she  ter 
me. 

"  Is  Persean  cats  named  de  same  ez  pee- 
pul  ?  "  I  axes. 

"  Keep  still,  you  fool,"  says  Sam ;  "  let  de 
gurl  get  de  coin." 

"  Git  de  fifty,"  I  says  to  de  gurl,  "  an* 
Lady  Persean  is  yourn  fer  life;  an'  yer  kin 
tell  de  old  maid  lady  ter  put  in  an  extree 
five  fer  a  new  pair  ef  pants  dat  de  New 
foundlander  dorg " 

An'  Sam  he  gives  meh  a  punch  in  de  ribs, 
an'  de  gurl  comes  back  wid  de  old  maid 
lady,  her  glasses  an'  her  side  curls  an'  all, 
a-lookin'  whiter  en  de  Persean  cat.  An'  she 
starts  in  ter  say,  what  we  knowed  already, 
dat  we  was  de  greatest  rasculs  in  de  whole 
world,  jist  like  ez  ef  we  come  ter  steal  de 
203 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

cat  instead  ef  takin'  it  back,  which  is  jisr 
like  wimmens. 

An'  Henry  says  ter  her,  "  Lady  Grimal- 
akins " 

"  Dat  ain't  her  name,  but  de  Persean 
cat's,"  I  says  ter  him,  pokin'  his  head. 

"  Well,  den,  mam,"  he  says,  "  we  didn't 
come  ter  learn  yer  'pinion  on  polertics,  but 
fer  ter  get  de  riward." 

"  I  ain't  sure  it's  de  Persean  cat  yit,"  says 
she ;  "  I'll  take  de  baskut  inside  an'  ef  it's 
Lady  Grimalakins  I'll  send  de  fifty  out." 

"  No  yer  don't,"  says  Sam. 

"  I'll  cut  a  big  hole  in  de  baskut,  mam," 
says  I,  takin'  out  meh  knife,  "  an'  yer  kin 
look  in." 

"  Fer  de  love  ef  Heaven,"  says  she,  "  put 
dat  awful  knife  away ;  you'll  kill  dat  cat  yit, 
yose  will !  " 

"  Yer  bring  a  candul,"  says  Sam,  "  an' 
we'll  open  de  kivver  ef  de  baskut  an'  yer  kin 


peep  in ! " 


204 


De  Theft  ef  de  Persean  Cat 

"An'  it  won't  cost  yer  nothin'  extree," 
pipes  I,  "  fer  takin'  a  peep,"  fer  sayin'  which 
Sam  kicks  meh  shin. 

So  dey  gits  a  candul  an7  seen  it  was  de 
Persean  cat  an'  all,  an'  dey  gives  us  de  fifty ; 
which  makes  men  think  more  ef  cats  den  ef 
dorgs. 

An'  we  was  gone  a  bit  when  Sam  he  turns 
an'  he  says,  "  Youse  might  tackle  dat  New 
foundlander  dorg  next  an' " 

"  I  guess  not,"  says  meh  an'  Hungry 
Henry  ter  oncet. 


205 


VI 

IN  WHICH  LIFE  IS  LIFE 

Tellin'  ichy  de  older  we  gits  de  more 
trouble  ice  leaves  behint  us  an'  de  more 
worry  we  puts  in  front  ef  us. 

WELL,,  ter  git  back  ef  mehself  a  piece, 
when  Sam  heard  from  meh  how  dose  trai 
tors  an'  rebels  had  changed  de  signs  on  all 
de  houses  so's  it  weren't  safe  to  go  nowheres, 
he  only  grinned,  an'  went  on  walkin'  thru 
de  town  wid  his  nose  in  de  air  orderin'  dis 
"  yeager  "  an'  dat  "  yeager  "  orff  de  streets 
de  same  ez  ef  he  was  de  mayor,  de  whole 
council,  an'  de  fire  department.  I  warned 
him  agin,  but  swelled  heads  ain't  got  no 
room  fer  words  ef  savin'  grace. 

De  next  thing  dose  traitors  done  was  ter 
go  aroun'  an'  put  deir  marks  on  every  house 
in  de  whole  town.  Again  I  tole  Sam  an' 
oncet  agin  he  grinned  an'  said,  "  I'm  goin' 
ter  stay  king  er  nothin' !  " 
206 


In  which  Life  is  Life 


"  You'll  be  jist  plain  nothin',  den,  Sam'," 
I  says. 

"  Leave  de  king  bizness  ter  mek,"  he 
says,  "  dose  fellers  is  goin'  ter  git  hurt, 
Mollbuzzer ! " 

An'  sure  enuff  de  newspapers  begins  ter 
print  pieces  on  how  de  whole  town  was 
marked  up  wid  beggar  signs,  an'  how  de 
perlice  was  neglectin'  deir  duty,  an'  how  de 
mayor  was  no  good,  an'  how  Chicago  was  de 
hobo  paradise  ( which  I  never  could  see  rneh- 
self),  an'  how  it  was  time  something  was 
bein'  done. 

An'  Sam  he  puffs  up  like  a  feather  bed 
when  he  reads  it,  an'  he  orders  us  ter  stay 
orff  de  streets  fer  two  weeks,  sayin'  ez  he 
would  feed  us  out  ef  de  treasury;  an'  he 
did  feed  us,  but  I  never  come  so  near  starv- 
in'  in  all  ineh  life.  An'  some  ef  'em  got  mad 
an'  madder  at  Sam  a  count  ef  his  fine  airs 
he  was  givin'  hisself,  an'  dey  skipped  out 
an'  jined  de  traitors. 

207 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Yer  see  what  things  is  comin'  ter, 
Sam,"  I  says. 

"  Mollbuzzer,  stick  to  yer  king,"  was  all 
he  says,  "  an7  you'll  never  regrit  it ! " 

An'  I  kin  tell  yer  I  was  mighty  glad  I 
stuck,  fer  'bout  two  days  ater  dat  de  cops 
woke  up  an'  cleaned  de  streets  ef  "  yeagers," 
arrestin'  every  one  dey  could  find,  an* 
Hungry  Henry  an'  six  er  seven  more  ef  'em 
was  booked  ter  spend  deir  winter  in  de 
bridewell. 

Some  ef  'em  got  mad  an'  squealed  ter  de 
police  about  our  beggar  house,  but  Sam  was 
too  smart  ter  go  an'  get  caught  ez  easy  ez 
dat,  fer  when  de  cops  come  all  dey  found 
was  de  newspapers  on  de  floors.  We  had 
moved  over  ter  Jefferson  street. 

A  new  "  yeager  "  comes  in  one  day  what 
was  dressed  swell,  dat  bein'  his  game,  an' 
what  could  speak  an'  write  like  a  real  gent. 
Also  he  had  fine  manners.  When  a  cove 
would  hand  him  a  dime  on  de  street  he 
208 


In  which  Life  is  Life 


would  allus  say,  "  My  dear  sir,  aren't  you 
too  extravagant,"  er,  "  My  expectations  have 
been  more  than  realized  by  your  generos 
ity,"  which  sounded  kind  ef  sarkastick,  but 
which  seemed  ter  keep  de  coves  good- 
natured,  so  ef  he  happened  ter  touch  de  same 
cove  twict  de  same  day  de  cove  didn't  seem 
ter  mind  it.  He  called  hisself  Gentleman 
George,  which  made  Sam  jealous,  ez  I  could 
see,  Sam  growlin'  ter  hisself  dat  dere  was 
only  one  gent  in  de  place,  an'  dat  was  him. 

"  Kings  don't  want  no  gents  'round 
'em,"  he  says. 

I  seed  more  trouble  agin,  an'  I  warned 
Sam  agin,  but  it  wasn't  no  use,  fer  he  said 
he  had  read  all  de  histree  books  in  de 
library  an'  he  knowed  how  a  king  ought  ter 
do.  Well,  I'm  gettin'  ahead  ef  mehself, 
which  shows  what  a  long  ways  I  got  ter  go 
an'  how  much  dere  is  ter  write  down. 

Sam  an'  Gentleman  George  an'  Doctor 
Dan  puts  deir  heads  tergither  one  day,  an' 
209 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

dey  fixes  it  up  atween  deirselves  ter  have 
George  fall  orff  de  cars  an'  sue  de  company 
fer  damages,  Doc  Dan  agreein'  ter  do  all 
de  damage  ater  George  fell,  George  de  sum', 
an'  King  Samuel  de  collecting  I  guess. 

I  heard  what  was  in  de  wind  an'  I  said  ter 
Sam  I'd  squeal  ter  de  cops  ef  he  didn't  take 
meh  in.  Sam  got  most  awful  mad  an'  he 
swore  ef  us  hobos  bothered  him  so  much 
he'd  give  up  de  king  job.  "  See  here,  Moll- 
buzzer,"  he  says,  "  what  has  yer  got  ter  do 
wid  it?  yer  ain't  a-goin'  ter  get  hurt  like 
George,  er  twist  bones  like  Dan,  er  serply 
de  brains  like  meh." 

"  That's  right,  King  Samuel,"  I  says, 
sarkastick,  "  but  I  kin  be  witness  fer  de  rail 
road  ! " 

"  Ef  yer  wasn't  an  ole  friend  ef  mine 
an'  hadn't  been  a  faithful  subjict  so  long, 
Mollbuzzer,"  he  says,  "  I'd  run  yer  out  ef 
meh  domains;  but  seein7  ez  yer  is,  yer  kin 
come  in  de  scheme  an'  git  one  quarter  ef 
210 


In  which  Life  is  Life 


meh  third!"  It  seemed  mighty  little;  but 
even  a  quarter  ef  a  third  is  better  en  nothin', 
providin'  de  quarter  is  big  enuff. 

Sure  enuff  Sam  and  George  goes  out  one 
night  on  de  cable  cars  an'  Sam  tells  de  con 
ductor  ter  stop,  but  George  jumps  orff 
ahead  ef  time  an'  Sam  was  so  feared  he 
wouldn't  git  hurt  dat  he  gives  him  a  sly 
shove  an'  a  hard  kick ;  an'  George  falls  down 
on  de  street  an'  rolls  a  summersalt  an'  yells 
like  a  Injin. 

Den  de  car  stops  an'  everybody  jumps 
orff  to  see  what  de  trouble  was.  An'  George 
he  stands  up  an'  den  he  falls  down  agin, 
swearin'  sornethin'  is  broke,  but  he  didn't 
know  what  particular  part  giv  way.  An'  de 
conductor  takes  de  names  an'  de  addresses 
ef  de  peepul  what  seen  de  accident. 
Someone  wants  ter  call  de  perlice  an'  de 
doctor  an'  de  patrol  wagon,  an'  den  George 
gits  up  an'  he  says  he  feels  much  better,  an' 
Sam  says  he'll  git  a  cab  an'  take  his  friend 
211 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

home;  he  was  more  skeered  en  hurt  any 
ways,  he  guessed.  Den  de  car  goes  on. 

Dat  night  Doctor  Dan  wants  ter  pull 
George's  leg  out  ef  joint,  but  Cripple 
Charlie  kep'  yellin',  "  Don't  yer  let  him  do 
it,  George.  Look  at  nieh.  Yer  kin  never  git 
it  back  inter  shape  agin ;  "  which  made  Sam 
so  mad  dat  he  chased  Charlie  out  ef  de 
house  an'  tole  him  ter  git  out  ef  town  er 
he  would  send  him  where  Hungry  Henry 
an'  de  other  traitors  was.  I  tole  Sam  he 
was  a  fool  ter  do  it,  an'  he  tole  me  ter  keep 
still. 

So  all  Doctor  Dan  could  do  was  ter  burn 
George's  leg  wid  acids  an'  put  some  medi 
cine  on  it,  what  he  said  would  freeze  all  de 
feelin'  out  ef  it,  so  ef  yer  stuck  a  pin  in  it 
de  leg  wouldn't  hurt  none;  an'  he  tried  a 
needle  ter  see,  an'  George  he  cussed  most 
terribul  an'  hollered  out  dat  he  wasn't  goin' 
ter  make  hisself  inter  no  human  pin-cushion 
even  ef  he  could  ride  around  de  town  in  his 
212 


In  which  Life  is  Life 


own  private  cable  car.  But  Sam  coaxed  him 
inter  lettin'  Dan  put  on  more  ef  de  freez- 
in'  medicine  an'  try  another  needle.  George 
seemed  ter  git  used  ter  it  ater  a  bit  an' 
not  ter  mind;  but  he  thrung  his  cane  at 
meh  when  I  stuck  him  wid  a  long  pin  fer 
ter  see  fer  mehself  ef  it  was  so.  Den  Doc 
tor  Dan  ties  George's  leg  wid  bandidges. 

In  de  mornin'  a  lawyer  what  chases  street 
car  accidents  comes  aroun'  ter  see  George, 
an'  Sam  takes  him  inter  a  corner  an'  dey 
talks  bizness,  an'  de  lawyer  goes  upstairs 
wid  Sam  ter  see  George,  an'  he  heard  him 
holler  an'  yell,  an'  den  he  tells  Sam  dat 
dey  got  a  clean  case  agin  de  company  fer 
ten  thousand  dollars;  which  made  me  so  ex 
cited  thinkin'  ef  meh  quarter  ef  a  third  dat 
I  couldn't  beg  all  day,  an'  I  hung  aroun' 
de  house  playin'  "  Turnover  "  wid  George, 
an'  beggin'  him  ter  let  me  stick  a  pin  in  his 
leg,  which  he  wouldn't  do. 

I  think  we  stood  ter  diwide  ten  thousand 
213 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

dollars  atween  us,  an'  Sam  was  figurin'  on 
buyin'  new  clothes  made  ter  his  order  an" 
a  diamond  necktie  pin  ter  show  George  who 
was  de  real'  gent;  but  Cripple  Charlie 
tipped  de  game  orff  ter  de  cops,  an'  about 
de  time  dat  Sam  was  lookin'  ter  see  de  law 
yer  come  'round  wid  de  ten  thousand  dollars 
in  five  an'  ten  cent  pieces,  a  patrol  wagon 
full  ef  cops  drives  up  ter  de  door  instead, 
an'  we  all  runned  fer  our  lives,  an'  free  got 
ketched,  includin'  George,  who  couldn't  run, 
'count  ef  his  leg  bein'  tied  so  tight  wid  ban- 
didges. 

Sam  says  ter  meh  aterwards,  "  I  told  yer, 
Mollbuzzer,  I  would  fix  him  fer  callin'  his- 
self  Gentleman  George.  De  bridewell  'ill 
do  his  manners  good ;  he'll  have  time  now  ter 
study  more  ef  'em." 

"  I  don't  care  what  yer  says  agin  George, 
Sam,"  I  says,  "  but  he  had  de  finest  manners 
ef  any  beggar  I  ever  seed,"  which  made  Sam 
most  awful  mad  at  meh. 
2U 


In  which  Life  is  Life 


Dat  was  de  last  word  I  heard  from  Sam 
fer  almost  a  whole  year;  where  he  went  I 
don't  know,  but  he  tole  meh  afore  goin'  dat 
he  would  be  back  some  day  ter  take  care  ef 
Cripple  Charlie,  which  he  said  cost  him 
more  en  four  thousand  dollars. 

Dat  was  de  end  ef  Sam  ez  J.  Pierpont 
Morgan  fer  dat  winter.  A  beggar  trust,  ef 
I  do  say  so  fer  Sam,  is  harder  ter  run  en 
de  steel  trust  any  day,  fer  de  cops  don't 
bother  Morgan  none.  Sam  had  J.  Pier 
pont  Morgan  on  de  brain.  Yer  couldn't  git 
it  orff  wid  a  monkey-wrench.  He  was  allus 
screamin'  around  what  he  could  do  ef  he 
had  Morgan's  money  an'  his  chanctes.  He 
used  ter  say  ter  meh,  "  Mollbuzzer,  ef  I  gits 
de  money  from  George's  accident  I'm  goin' 
ter  New  York  ter  see  Morgan ! " 

"  Fer  what,  I'd  like  ter  knowT?  "  I  says  ter 
him. 

"  Oh,  jist  fer  nothin',"  he  says,  lookin' 
de  king,  wid  his  nose  in  de  air. 
215 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

Dat  Cadger  King  bizness  almost  ruined 
Sam,  an'  I  was  glad  ater  all  dat  de  cops  put 
a  end  ter,  it,  er  he  would  a  been  a  dead  beg 
gar,  sure.  He  kin  thank  Cripple  Charlie  fer 
de  cure.  I  ain't  seen  no  trade  yit,  no  matter 
how  humble,  dat  a  swelled  head  won't  ruin. 
How  about  yer  line,  Mr.  Anterpolergist? 


216 


VII 
DE  WORLD  TRIES  TER  GIT  EVEN 

-.  Provin'  dat  every  time  dc  world  turns 
'round  some  must  git  on  top  an'  some  must 
fall  under. 

NOTHIN'  happened  perticuler  wid  meh  dat 
summer,  'cept  dat  I  almost  got  blowed  inter 
pieces  an'  took  a  little  trip  inter  de  coun- 
tree  at  de  freight  cars'  expinse.  "  Yeagers  " 
likes  de  countree  in  summer,  'cause  most  ef 
'em  has  got  de  wanderin'  foot  anyways,  an* 
cause  yer  kin  ginerally  pick  up  enuff  ter  eat 
ez  yer  goes  along,  an'  'cause  it  don't  cost 
nothin'  ter  sleep  in  de  woods.  Oh,  woods, 
beautiful  woods,  de  only  true  friend  ef  de 
poor,  de  honist,  an'  de  oprissed ! 

Dere  was  a  feller  named  Loony  Louis 
what  wint  wid  meh  inter  de  countree  dat 
summer,  an'  it  was  his  perticular  line  ter 
make  niter-glycerine,  which  is  done  by  let- 
tin'  dynamite  drip  down  thru  alcohol  an' 
217 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

glycerine.  A  bottle  ef  it  kin  blow  a  piece 
out  ef  de  moon,  ef  yer  kin  git  de  stuff  up 
dat  high.  Louis  called  de  stuff  "  soup,"  an' 
it  used  ter  skeer  de  life  out  ef  meh  ter  see 
de  way  he'd  go  around  keerless  wid  a  bottle 
ef  it  in  his  hind  pocket,  Oncet  it  fell  out  an* 
I  hollered,  seein'  mehself  fly  inter  ninety- 
seven  thousand  little  Mollbuzzers.  Sam 
ketched  him  oncet  makin'  dat  "  soup  '•  in 
de  house  an'  he  threatened  ter  fire  Louis  out, 
but  Louis  swore  ef  he  tried  ter  throw  him 
out  he'd  break  de  bottle  on  de  floor  an'  put 
a  end  ter  King  Samuel  an'  his  reign,  an' 
Sam  cooled  down  suddint  an'  give  Louis  a 
dollar  fer  de  bottle,  an'  he  poured  it  out  in 
a  hole  in  de  ground. 

Louis  learned  how  ter  make  de  "  soup  " 
from  a  gang  ef  "  yeagers  "  dat  used  ter  blow 
de  doors  orff  country  banks,  an'  it  seemed 
dat  it  got  on  his  mind  same  ez  J.  Pierpont 
Morgan  got  on  Sam's.  De  funniest  men  in 
de  world  is  dose  whose  heads  'ill  only  carry 
218 


De  World  Tries  ter  Git  Even 

one  idee  at  a  time  fer  a  whole  year.  An' 
Loony  was  allus  sayin' ,  "  Mollbuzzer,  wid 
dis  little  glass  bottle  I  kin  blow  up  de  world; 
t'ink  of  it !  Who  would  ever  berlieve  dat  a 
plain  lookin'  hobo  like  meh  could  have  sich 
power? "  an7  den  he  would  let  out  a 
whoop !  an'  yell,  "  Up  yer  goes,  Mollbuz- 
zer ! "  an'  reach  fer  his  hind  pocket,  which 
skeered  meh  so  dat  I  almost  had  heart's 
disease  afore  de  summer  was  over. 

We  got  inter  a,  little  town  in  Michigan 
one  day,  tired  an'  hungry  an'  hot,  an'  Louis 
says  ter  meh,  "  We  needn't  worry  none, 
Mollbuzzer,  'cause  I  got  dis  little  bottle,  an' 
I  kin  git  a  million  fer  it!  "  which  made  meh 
mighty  afreerd  dat  de  heat  had  crept  under 
his  skull  an'  turned  his  mind. 

Along  eight  o'clock,  when  de  town  was 
openin'  up,  Loony  says  ter  meh,  "  I  knows 
a  easy  mark  here,  Mollbuzzer;  come 
ahead,"  an'  meh  not  suspectin'  nothin'  went 
wid  him.  He  goes  inter  a  bank  an'  walks 
219 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

up  to  de  cashier  an'  takes  out  dat  bottle  ef 
"  soup  "  an'  says : 

"  Dis  is  niter-glycerine  in  meh  hand  an' 
ef  yer  don't  give  meh  a  thousand  dollars 
fer  it  quick  I'm  goin'  ter  crack  it  on  de 
floor  an'  it's  good-by  bank  an'  you  an'  meh !  " 

I  don't  think  dat  cashier  was  more  skeered 
en  meh.  I  turned  de  color  ef  de  "  soup  "  in 
de  bottle  an'  rneh  knees  shook,  an'  I  couldn't 
even  call  Loony  a  fool,  so  skeered  I  was. 
But  dat  cashier  he  keeps  cool  ez  de  glass 
ef  de  bottle,  an'  he  smiles  a  green  smile  an' 
he  says,  "  Meh  friends,  a  thousand  dollars 
is  little  enuff.  I'll  git  it  fer  yer  in  less  en  a 
second,"  an'  he  ducks  an'  crawls  out  afore 
Loony  knowed  what  happened,  an'  I  says : 

"  Loony,  I'm  goin'.  Dere's  goin'  ter  be 
most  terribul  trouble." 

"  No,  dere  ain't,   Mollbuzzer,"  he  says ; 

"  yer  jist  wait  right  here  till  dat  cashier 

comes  back  wid  de  thousand,  er  I'll  break  de 

bottle  right  now ! "     An'  I  had  ter  wait, 

220 


De  World  Tries  ter  Git  Even 

makin'  up  meh  mind  dat  dis  was  de  last  day 
dat  Loony  Louis  an'  men  travels  tergither. 

De  cashier  comes  back  in  a  second  er  two, 
but  'stead  ef  bringin'  de  thousand  he  brung 
de  town  marshal,  an'  Loony  Louis  an'  meh 
seed  his  star  an'  I  runned  fer  all  I  was  wuth, 
an'  Louis  right  at  meh  side,  so  skeered  dat 
he  fergot  ter  explode  his  bottle,  fer  which 
I  was  glad,  I  kin  tell  yer. 

"  Mollbuzzer,"  pants  Louis,  runnin'  along 
Main  street  like  a  deer,  "  de  marshal  an'  de 
cashier  an'  de  whole  blame  town  is  at  our 
heels ;  I  guess  it's  all  up  wid  us !  " 

"  Keep  away  from  meh  wid  dat  blamed 
bottle,  fer  de  love  ef  Mike,  Louis,"  I  yells. 
"  Ef  yer  falls  down  both  ef  us  is  goin'  up. 
Lay  it  on  de  ground  soft."  I  was  more 
skeered  ef  him  den  ef  de  marshal  an'  de 
others. 

"  I  guess  not,"  he  answers ;  "  I  keep  de 
little  bottle  until  de  end.  Ef  dey  touches 
meh  I  flings  it !  " 

221 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Let's  split,  Louis,"  I  says,  watchin'  his 
pocket  where  de  bottle  was ;  "  yer  run  one 
way  an'  meh  de  other !  "  ' 

"  No,  yer  don't,"  he  says,  tearin'  along; 
"  we  sticks  tergither !  " 

"  Be  careful  an'  don't  fall  on  a  stone," 
I  says,  mighty  nervous. 

"  Yer  gettin'   considerate,"  he  growls. 

An'  de  road  kep'  growin'  stonier  an'  ston 
ier,  an'  oncet  Louis  stumbled  an'  I  raised  a 
awful  yell,  but  he  got  his  balance  agin, 
which  made  meh  mighty  happy  fer  a  minute. 

I  managed  ter  dodge,  slip  inter  de  open 
fields  orff  de  road  an'  flip  a  fence,  at  which 
I'm  quick,  ef  I  do  say  so  mehself ;  an'  Louis 
tries  ter  foller  meh,  swearin'  hard  at  meh 
fer  tryin'  ter  give  him  de  slip;  but  I  never 
turned  ter  see  what  happened,  yellin'  hard, 
"  Hold  de  bottle  wid  yer  hand,  Louis." 

Den  der  comes  a  bing  an'  a  bang  an'  a 
roar  an'  a  noise  like  ef  de  world  was 
a-comin'  ter  an  end.  An'  Loony  Louis  went 
222 


De  World  Tries  ter  Git  Even 

over  de  fence  on  both  sides,  part  ef  him  one 
way  an'  part  anuder.  I  don't  think  de 
marshal  found  a  finger-nail  when  he  got 
enuff  courage  ter  come  an'  look.  Louis 
didn't  die;  I  can't  say  he  was  killed;  he  jist 
natcherally  went  inter  pieces. 

Maybe  de  marshal  fought  I  carried  a 
bottle  ef  dat  "  soup  "  too,  fer  he  didn't  seem 
so  anxious  ter  git  meh  as  he  had  been  afore 
Louis  got  away  from  him  by  goin'  up  inter 
de  air ;  anyways,  he  kind  ef  slowed  down  an* 
I  got  away.  Dere  was  a  awful  noise  in  meh 
ears  fer  a  whole  week,  an'  I  kin  hear  it  now 
widout  listenin'. 


223 


VIII 
LIFE  GITS  LIVELY 

In  which  yer  kin  see  fer  yerself  dat  human 
natcher  in  de  countree  is  de  same  ez  human 
natcher  in  de  city;  a  hundred  cents  makin' 
one  dollar  everywheres. 

WELL,  Mr.  Anterpolergist,  it  seems  ter 
meh  dat  I  have  wrote  most  twenty-five  dol 
lars'  wuth  ef  meh  autobiographee  already, 
an'  I  ain't  anywheres  near  de  grave  yit.  No 
man  knows  how  much  he's  lived  until  he 
comes  ter  write  it  out,  an'  ef  I  knowed  when 
I  started  I  would  have  raised  de  price. 
S'posen'  yer  stops  a-readin'  here,  wipes  de 
tears  out  ef  yer  eyes,  reaches  down  in  yer 
blue- jeans,  an'  pays  meh  twelve  dollars  an' 
a  half  in  adwance?  While  yer  thinkin'  'bout 
it  I  don't  mind  tellin'  yer  a  bit  ef  a  adwen- 
ture  in  de  countree  what  brung  meh  a  foot 
nearer  de  grave.  Here  goes ! 

A  word  'bout  farmers  fust.  Farmers,  like 
224 


Life  Gits  Lively 


other  peepul  ginerally  speaking  is  mighty 
uncertain,  an'  a  feller  never  kin  tell  what 
he's  a-goin'  ter  git,  fer  jist  ez  likely  ez  not 
yer'll  git  a  handful  ef  cold  victuals  er  a 
mouthful  ef  bulldorg's  teeth,  an'  it's  a  toss- 
up  which,  de  odds  allus  bein'  in  favor  ef  bull- 
dorgs.  Yer  see  in  de  countree  de  wiinens 
is  left  alone  more,  which  makes  de  farmers 
afeered  ef  strangers  an'  hobos,  'specially 
ef  strange  hobos.  It's  allus  best  ter  walk 
up  ter  a  house  kind  ef  slow  an'  ter  leave  de 
gate  open,  so  ez  yer  kin  run  back  quick. 
Good  clothes  is  never  agin  a  man  eny,  an' 
yer  kin  say  all  yer  wants  'bout  clothes  not 
makin'  de  man,  but  I  knows  what  rags  does 
ter  a  bulldorg.  Ef  yer  ever  should  decide 
ater  readin'  meh  life,  ter  change  from  anter- 
polergist  ter  hobo,  de  best  piece  ef  adwice 
I  kin  give  yer  is  ter  start  out  wid  yer  best 
suit. 

So  I  kin  tell  yer  I  was  mighty  happy  de 
day  I  struck  orff  de  main  road,  an'  found  a 
225 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

gent  in  swiminin'  an'  his  clothes  in  a  lonely 
pile  on  shore.  I  takes  'em  out  ef  pity  an' 
leaves  meh  own  rags  an'  a  note  sayin' : 

Dese  clothes  has  seen  better  days.  So 
will  yourn. 

Yourn  fer  clothes, 

MOLLBUZZER. 

I  looks  so  respectuble,  de  clothes  fittin' 
ez  ef  dey  was  jist  waitin'  dere  fer  meh,  dat 
I  goes  ter  de  first  farmhouse  I  sees  an'  tells 
how  I  missed  meh  train  an'  lost  meh  purse, 
an'  axes  ter  be  trusted  fer  a  meal  an'  a  bed. 

"  All  right,"  says  de  farmer ;  "  yer  looks 
strong." 

"  I  am  strong,"  answers  I,  "  most  de  time, 
only  now  an'  den  on  hot  days  I'm  subjicted 
ter  heart  disease." 

"  Nothin'  like  work  fer  heart  trouble," 
says  he,  pattin'  his  bulldorg  on  de  back,  "  an' 
it's  cool  ter-day.  Ever  work  on  ter  a 
farm?"  he  axes. 

226 


Life  Gits  Lively 


"  Oh,  yes/'  I  answers,  like  a  fool. 

"  What  doin'?  "  axes  he. 

"  Plowing  milkin'  cows,  an'  planting"  I 
says. 

"  Take  yer  coat  right  orff,"  says  he,  "  an' 
yer  kin  start  milkin'  meh  cow." 

"  You've  got  meh  ter  home,"  says  I, 
a-puttin'  on  a  bold  face ;  an'  he  goes  inter  de 
house,  leavin'  de  bulldorg  by  meh  side,  an' 
soon  he  comes  out  wid  a  tin  pail. 

"  Dat's  a  nice  clean  pail,"  I  says ;  "  what's 
it  fer?  " 

"  Fer  de  milk,  ef  course,"  says  he. 

"  Sure,  Mr.  Farmer,"  says  I,  "  only  I  pre 
fers  a  barrul." 

"  Why  fer  a  barrul?  "  says  he. 

"  Take  a  barrul  an'  a  small  hose,"  I  says, 
"  an'  it  saves  time  when  yer  has  a  flock  ef 
cows." 

"  Dere's  only  one  in  de  barn  now,"  he 
says,  laffin'. 

Dere  was  no  way  outen  ef  it,  an'  I  puts  de 
227 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

pail  down  an'  takes  orff  meh  coat.  An'  de 
farmer  goes  away,  leavin'  de  dorg  an'  meh 
alone,  ez  ef  us  was  brothers  not  wantin'  ter 
be  seperated ;  an'  it  makes  meh  mad,  'cause 
I  has  no  intenshuns  ef  stealin'  his  cow.  I 
tries  an'  tries,  an'  jerks  an'  jerks,  but  de  milk 
don't  come.  Dat  cow  has  it  in  fer  meh,  I 
guess,  er  else  en  de  dorg  put  bad  luck  on  ter 
meh. 

"  Somethin's  de  matter,"  says  I  when  de 
farmer  comes  back,  "  fer  de  cow  won't  give 
up.  It's  funny,  but  I  has  allus  noticed  dat 
brown  cows  would  never  give  meh  deir  milk. 
Red  cows  an'  meh  was  allus  good  friends." 

De  farmer  laffs  an'  sits  down  on  de  stool, 
but  de  milk  don't  come. 

"  Moses  an'  Aaron !  "  says  he,  "  but  dis  is 
strange.  I  can't  make  it  out." 

"  Maybe  de  dorg  put  bad  luck  on  ter  him," 
I  says. 

"  No,"  he  laffs,  "  de  cow  must  be  dry." 

"  Sure,"  I  says,  "  it  bein'  so  hot  ter  day. 
228 


Life  Gits  Lively 


Fill  dat  can  wid  beer  an'  it  '11  fix  him  all 
right." 

An'  de  farmer  laffs  so  I  fought  he'd  die; 
meh  not  seem'  de  joke,  but  knowin'  as  some 
thing  was  wrong. 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  s'posen'  we  leaves  dis 
an'  yer  kin  saw  wood  fer  yer  supper  an'  yer 
lodgin'." 

I  looks  at  de  pile  ef  wood  an'  turns  pale, 
an'  I  says,  "  Mr.  Farmer,  dat  pile  looks  like 
six  suppers  an'  a  breakfast  an'  lodgin'  ter 
match,  so  s'posen  yer  gives  meh  free  dollars 
down  an' " 

"  Yer  a  cool  one,"  says  he. 

"  Well,"  I  says,  "  yer  needn't  ef  yer  don't 
like.  But  I'll  bet  yer  de  cow  an'  de  dorg  an' 
a  supper  an'  lodgin'  agin  ten  dollars  dat  I 
kin  saw  all  ef  de  wood  en  thirty-four  minutes 
by  de  clock." 

"  Impossible !  "  says  he. 

I  takes  orff  meh  coat  an'  vest  an'  throws 
'em  on  de  ground  an'  shouts,  "  Ef  I  ain't 
229 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

done  in  thirty-four  minutes  by  de  clock  yer 
kin  keep  meh  coat  an'  vest." 

"  How  kin  yer  do  it?  "  he  axes.  "  Moses 
an'  Aaron !  it  ain't  possible !  " 

"  I  kin  do  it,"  I  says,  "  by  a  continuerous 
flow  of  'lectric  fluid  dat  pours  from  meh 
right  skyeratiker  nerve  inter  de  steel  ef  de 
saw  an'  forms  a  congloumerous  cirkit  wid 
de  hypnertized  wood." 

"  I  never  heard  ef  dat  afore,"  says  he ;  "  it 
must  be  new." 

"  It  is,"  I  says.  "  I'm  de  in  wen  tor."  An' 
I  rubs  meh  right  arm,  pickin'  up  de  saw  an' 
droppin'  it  lightin'  quick. 

"  Meh  Lord !  "  I  screams,  "  I  got  a  'lectric 
shock." 

He  looks  at  meh  an'  t'inks  an'  scratches 
his  head. 

"  Come,"  says  I,  "  I'll  bet  the  ten  dollars 
agin  de  dorg  an'  de  cow  an'  supper  an' 
lodgin'  fer  ter-night  an'  breakfust  in  de 
morninV 

230 


Life  Gits  Lively 


"  You  put  up  the  ten  first,"  says  he. 

"  I  jist  told  yer,  Mr.  Farmer,"  says  I, 
"  dat  I  lost  meh  purse." 

"  Den  how  kin  yer  pay  meh  eff  yer  loses?  " 
he  axes. 

"  I'll  work  it  out,"  says  I. 

"  But  what  fer  does  yer  want  de  cow  an' 
de  dorg?  "  he  axes,  pullin'  his  long  white 
whiskers  an'lookin'  serspicious,  like  farmers 
allus  is. 

"  I  kin  ride  home  on  de  cow,"  I  says,  "  an' 
keep  de  dorg  busy  a-keepin'  de  cow  on  de 
jump.  Er  maybe  I  kin  sell  'em  both  back 
ter  you." 

"  Go  ahead,"  says  he,  laffin' ;  "  I  sees  yer 
workin'  a  week  fer  meh." 

"  Will  yer  throw  de  house  in,  too? "  I 
axes. 

"  Does  yer  want  meh  ter  put  de  farm  an' 
de  barn  in  too  agin  yer  ten  dollars'  work?  " 
axes  he. 

"  It  might  be  a  good  idee,"  says  I. 
231 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Yer  a  cool  one,"  says  he.  "  Go  on  an' 
saw." 

Den  I  grabs  de  saw  an'  I  sawed  wid  all 
meh  might  an'  main  fer  five  minutes,  an'  I 
kin  tell  yer  dat  I  makes  de  fur  fly.  When  de 
farmer  seen  what  I  done  in  dose  four  minutes 
he  quits  his  grinnin'  an'  looks  skeered.  I 
was  glad  on  it,  fer  I  couldn't  a-kep  it  up 
free  minutes  longer.  Den  de  blade  ef  de 
saw  cracks  agin  a  nail  in  de  wood,  an'  I  stops 
an'  yells  : 

"  Did  yer  see  dat?  " 

"  I  did,"  says  he;  "  what  was  it?  " 

"  It  was  de  'lectric  fluid,"  I  says,  "  dat 
pours  from  meh  right  skyeratiker  nerve 
inter  de  steel  ef  de  saw  an'  forms  a  con- 
gloumerous  cirkit  wid  de  hypnertized  wood. 
It's  beginnin'  agin ;  I  feels  it  comin'  on  full 
force.  Maybe  yer'd  better  stand  back  a 
piece." 

"  Hold  on,"  he  says ;  "  maybe  us  had  better 
call  de  bet  orff;  'cause  come  ter  think  on  it 
232 


=*>*>*i  ^  -r-JF-r.        I*-  >" 

^^^^^^^^^ 


"  De  '  lee  trie  fluid  dat  pours  from 
meb  right  sky  era  ticker  nerve." 


Life  Gits  Lively 


I  don't  need  no  help  aroun'  here,  an'  yer 
ain't  got  de  ten  dollars,  an'  de  cow  might  kill 
yer,  an'  de  dorg  wouldn't  go  away  from  here 
anyways ! " 

"  Yer  ought  ter  have  told  nieh,"  I  says, 
"  afore  I  went  to  de  pain  an'  de  trouble  ef 
workin'  up  de  'lectric  fluid." 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  yer  kin  have  yer  sup 
per  an'  breakfust  an'  lodgin'  free." 

"  I  am  goin'  ter  law,"  I  says,  "  fer  de  cow 
an'  de  dorg,  'cause  I'd  have  won  de  bet.  An* 
I'm  goin'  ter  print  a  piece  in  de  papers 
dat " 

"  Moses  an'  Aaron !  "  shouts  he,  "  keep  it 
out  ef  de  papers.  "  I'll  give  yer  four  dollars 
an'  den  yer  kin  ride  home  on  de  cars,  'stead 
ef  on  de  cow,  which  is  quicker  an'  safer." 

"  Good,"  says  I,  a-shakin'  hands ;  "  we'll 
call  her  square." 

"  Don't  tell  meh  wife,"  he  says,  givin'  meh 
de  four. 

"  I  won't,"  I  says,  takin'  it  an'  goin'  inter 
233 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

de  house  fer  supper.  An'  I  eats  enough  fer 
a  week,  not  takin'  no  chances  on  breakf  ust. 

"Does  yer  eat  by  de  'lectric  fluid?"  he 
whispers. 

"  Yes,"  says  I,  a-pilin'  in ;  "  it  takes  some 
time  fer  it  ter  git  disconnected." 

An'  he  don't  say  no  more,  only  a-lookin' 
an'  pullin'  his  long  white  beard.  After  sup 
per  he  took  meh  inter  de  room  where  I  was 
ter  sleep,  an'  I  was  glad  ter  see  dat  it  was  on 
de  ground  floor  an'  handy  in  case  ef  trouble. 
I  looks  aroun',  an'  der  bein'  nothin'  ter  take 
but  de  bed  I  starts  ter  get  ready  fer  meh 
snooze.  Den  I  hears  someone  a-knockin' 
on  de  door,  an'  I  sticks  meh  head  outer  de 
winder  an'  I  hears  someone  say  ter  de 
farmer : 

"  I  was  in  swimmin'  ter-day  an'  a  hobo 
comes  along  an'  grabs  meh  clothes  from  de 
beach  an' " 

Dat  was  all  I  wants  ter  hear,  knowin'  de 
end  ef  cle  same  old  story;  so  afore  gettin' 
234 


Life  Gits  Lively 


ready  ter  make  meh  leap  fer  life  an'  liburty 
I  writes  in  big  letters  on  a  brown  piece  ef 
paper  what  I  finds  in  de  room  an'  pins  to  de 
door  dese  lines  ef  po'try : 

MR.  FARMER: 

Just  tell  de  cove  yer  saw  meh,  but 
De  cove  he  didn't  seen  me  saw. 
Yourn, 

MOLLBUZZER. 


235 


IX 
A  DARK  LADY  CROSSES  MEH  PATH 

Bein'  de  story  ef  how  I  went  inter  de  cir 
cus  bizness  an'  why  I  give  it  up  ter  try  an' 
earn  a  honest  living 

HAVIN'  good  clothes,  de  next  thing  I  done 
was  ter  f oiler  de  circus  fer  a  time,  'cause  de 
circus  is  a  mighty  good  thing  fer  hobos  an' 
children.  In  de  fust  place,  it  kind  ef  makes 
peepul  good-natchered,  an'  in  de  second 
place,  it  takes  de  familees  away  from  home, 
which  gives  us  a  chanct  ter  take  away  from 
home  what  dey  leaves  dere,  an'  in  de  third 
place  dere's  usually  somethin'  doin'  'bout  de 
circus  itself ;  so  figurin'  it  all  up,  a  "  yea- 
ger  "  kin  do  somethin'  wuss  den  ter  foller  in 
a  elerphunt's  footprints.  It's  been  my  obser- 
wation,  Mr.  Anterpolergist,  dat  dere's  two 
sides  ter  everything  in  dis  world,  'cept  ter 
water,  an'  one  side  is  yourn  an'  de  other  side 
is  mine. 

236 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

Ater  joinin'  de  circus,  de  first  foolish  thing 
I  done  was  ter  pay  a  dime  ter  see  de  Hono- 
luler  Queen,  which  I  was  allus  anxious  ter 
see ;  but  I  allus  got  ketched  slip  pin'  under  de 
tent  ef  de  side-show  an'  licked  most  terribul. 
De  pictshures  showed  de  dusky  queen  danc- 
in'  on  top  ef  waves  ef  real  water,  singin'  an* 
actin'  an'  swallowin'  swords,  all  ef  which  I 
was  dyin'  ter  peep  at,  'specially  de  sword 
swallowin'. 

It  hurt  me  must  terribul  when  I  got  inside 
de  tent  ter  find  dat  beautiful  queen  not 
accordin'  ter  de  pictshures,  but  only  a  fat 
old  nigger  woman;  an'  when  it  come  ter 
swallowin'  a  sword  she  only  slipped  a  tin 
knife  up  her  sleeve,  which  it  don't  need  no 
queen  ter  do.  It  made  meh  mad  ter  be 
cheated  out  ef  meh  dime,  an'  I  yelled  out, 
u  She  ain't  no  queen,  an'  she  didn't  swaller 
no  sword ! "  a'count  ef  yellin'  which  dey 
kicked  meh  outside  ef  de  tent  an'  stamped 
on  meh. 

237 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

Sich  is  de  world ;  ef  a  beggar  gits  caught 
playin'  a  trick  he  gits  wallerped  most  awful, 
but  ef  he  ketches  another  feller  playin'  tricks 
de  other  feller  wallerps  him.  It  made  meh 
mad  agin  de  Honoluler  Queen  anyways,  an' 
it  made  meh  still  madder  agin  de  boss  ef  de 
side-show.  What  kind  ef  a  game  is  dat  ter 
promise  de  publick  ter  see  a  nigger  swaller 
a  tin  knife  fer  a  dime,  an'  den  ter  have  'em 
slip  de  knives  up  deir  sleeves,  niggers  an' 
knives  bein'  so  cheap,  anyways? 

De  loss  ef  meh  good  dime  rankled  in  meh 
bosom  so  I  couldn't  sleep,  an'  de  next  day  I 
went  aroun'  an'  axed  de  man  fer  it  back 
agin;  at  which  he  only  laffed,  which  made 
meh  madder  still.  Wouldn't  it  you,  dear 
reader?  An'  so  when  I  seed  de  Honoluler 
Queen  a-shakin'  her  spear  outside  de  tent 
fer  ter  coax  de  poor  harmless  farmers  inside 
ef  it,  I  called  her  a  name,  an'  she  thrung  dat 
spear  at  meh  head  an'  it  hit  meh  a  awful 
whack,  which  I  didn't  think  she  could  do, 
238 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

an'  which  made  ineh  ter  berlieve  she  was  a 
a  real  queen  an'  not  a  black  nigger  ater  all. 

It  was  dat  same  night  dat  I  met  four  hobos 
near  de  circus  tents,  all  ef  which  I  knowed 
in  de  city,  an'  I  was  ez  glad  ter  see  'eni  ez  ef 
dey  all  had  milk  an'  honey  in  deir  pockets. 
Dey  was  Crutch  McAllister,  an'  Foxy  Bas 
ket  (de  one  an'  only,  like  de  circus  says),  an' 
Squint-eye,  an'  One-armed  Jake.  Dey 
hardly  knowed  meh  'count  ef  de  new  clothes 
what  I  wore  an'  'count  ef  de  swelled  head 
which  de  Honoluler  Queen  give  meh  wid  her 
spear. 

Dey  took  meh  across  de  bridge,  jist  over 
de  river  from  where  de  circus  was  playin', 
an'  we  went  a  piece  in  de  woods  where  dey 
had  a  tent.  I  guess  dey  stole  it  from  de 
gypsies,  which  was  fair  enuff,  de  gypsies 
havin'  stole  it  from  somebody  else,  maybe 
from  de  Injuns.  Almost  everything  had  ter 
be  stoled  oncet,  I  guess,  fer  ter  start  things 
goin'. 

239 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

It  was  Foxy's  idee  ter  open  a  little  circus 
ef  our  own,  'count  ef  us  havin'  de  tent,  an' 
he  said  we  could  push  it  along  near  de  road 
what  de  farmers  had  ter  take  ter  cross  de 
bridge  ter  go  over  ter  de  circus  in  Williams- 
town. 

It  was  meh  ez  said  ter  call  our  show 
De  Five  Jolly  Beggars,  er  Real  Life  Among 
de  Hobos,  but  Foxy  says  dat  would  be  no 
good  fer  a  circus,  'count  ef  de  farmers  all 
knowin'  what  beggars  an'  hobos  was,  an' 
peepul  only  go'n'  ter  a  circus  ter  see  what 
didn't  grow  ter  home — like  elerphunts  er 
tigers,  fer  instunce. 

"  Now,"  says  Foxy,  "  ef  yer  could  only 
ketch  a  lion  er  a  elerphunt." 

"  Bulldorgs  is  all  de  wild  animals  what 
ever  I  wants  ter  know,"  says  Squint-eye. 

An'  den  Foxy  says,  "  Ef  yer  can't  ketch  a 
wild  anirnul  we  might  ketch  a  wild  man  in 
de  woods,  an'  a  wild  man  is  jist  ez  good  fer  a 
circus  e/z  a  wild  animal." 
240 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

"  Dere  ain't  no  more  wild  men,  Foxy,"  I 
says.  "  I  read  it  in  de  histree  books  in  de 
public  libraree." 

"  Dat  shows  all  de  histree  books  knows," 
says  Foxy,  "  fer  wild  aniniuls  allus  draws 
'em  'round,  an'  de  circus  bein'  near  dese 
woods,  I'll  bet  dere's  wild  men  hidin' 
'round." 

An'  sure  enuff,  while  Foxy  was  a-sayin' 
dis  what  should  come  along  but  a  nigger 
tramp,  a  great  big  feller,  lookin'  pretty  wild 
an'  dodgin'  round  like  ez  ef  he  was  a  Zuler. 
Foxy  was  mighty  skeered  an'  he  says,. 
"  What  did  I  tell  yer,  Mollbuzzer?  "  An' 
de  others  was  fer  gittin'  up  an'  runnin',  but 
I  toled  'em  quick  it  was  only  a  nigger  tramp 
what  I  knowed,  havin'  runned  agin  him  in 
de  countree. 

So  I  called  de  nigger  tramp  an'  I  axed  him 

ef  he  wouldn't  stop  an'  have  a  bite  ter  eat  an' 

a  drop  ter  drink,  which  he  said  he  would. 

Sure  dat  didn't  look  much  like  bein'  wild, 

241 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

an'  I  calls  Foxy  out  ef  de  tent  an  1  says  ter 
him: 

"  Foxy,  dat  would  be  de  scheme,  ter  dress 
up  dis  nigger  tramp  an'  coax  him  inter 
playin'  de  Honoluler  King.  De  Honoluler 
Queen  is  drawin'  immense  in  de  side-show 
ef  de  circus,  an'  dere  ain't  nothin'  she  does 
de  Honoluler  King  can't  do  in  a  hour." 

"  It  sounds  mighty  good,  Mollbuzzer," 
says  Foxy,  an'  we  goes  back  in  de  tent  an' 
tells  de  others  what  our  scheme  was  an'  dey 
all  was  fer  it  in  a  minute.  So  we  showed  de 
coon  our  tent  inside  an'  axed  him  ef  he 
would  like  ter  join  our  gang  an'  work  along 
wid  us,  an?  de  coon  said  ez  he  would  fust- 
rate,  only  he  couldn't  stay  'round  dis  part  ef 
de  countree  fer  long ;  an'  when  we  axed  him 
why  dat  was  he  wouldn't  give  us  no  reasons. 
I  guessed  he  had  runned  out  ef  jail  er  stoled 
somethin'  near  where  we  was,  which  I  toled 
Foxy. 

"  Dat's  nothin'  agin  bein'  a  Honoluler 
242 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

King,  Mollbuzzer,"  says  Foxy;  "a  king 
what  won't  steal  an'  kill  ain't  born  fer  his 
job." 

De  next  mornin'  we  got  up  early  an'  tied 
de  big  coon  up  wid  ropes  so  he  couldn't  git 
loose,  an'  Crutch  McAllister  went  ter  town 
fer  ter  buy  a  pail  ef  red  an'  blue  paint,  an' 
also  ter  steal  a  rooster  fer  its  feathers,  which 
we  wished  ter  stick  in  a  ring  'round  de  nig 
ger's  head,  'count  ef  de  Honoluler  Queen 
havin'  one. 

We  took  orff  dat  poor  coon's  clothes  fust 
an'  we  begun  ter  brush  him  wid  de  red  paint 
like  ez  ef  he  was  a  wall  ef  a  house.  He  was 
most  awful  mad  when  he  waked  up  an'  seen 
what  we  was  a-doin'  ter  him.  An'  I  toled 
him  dere  was  no  use  ter  git  mad,  'cause  we 
was  a-goin'  ter  make  him  a  Honoluler  King 
fer  his  own  good. 

"  I  don't  want  ter  be  no  king  er  nothing" 
he  says ;  "  all  I  wants  is  fer  yer  ter  untie  inch 
ropes  an'  let  meh  git  'way  from  here." 
243 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  You'll  be  disguised,  anyways,"  I  says, 
"  which  is  ez  good  ez  gettin'  away  from 
here,"  which  seemed  ter  make  him  feel  some 
better. 

But  he  made  a  most  awful  roar  about 
puttin'  de  red  paint  on  so  thick,  sayin'  it 
made  his  skin  crack ;  an'  den  we  tries  ter  put 
de  rooster  feathers  'round  his  head,  but  dey 
won't  stay  on ;  an'  Foxy  Baskit  says :  "  Dere 
ain't  much  time  fer  ter  lose ;  it  '11  be  time  f er 
de  show  ter  commence  soon ;  yer  better  jist 
stick  dose  feathers  right  in  his  head,  it  won't 
hurt  him  none;"  but  dat  coon  hollered  like 
mad  when  he  seed  meh  take  out  meh  knife 
fer  ter  make  little  holes  'round  his  head  ter 
put  de  feathers  in.  He  said  he  didn't  mind 
de  holes  much,  but  he  was  afeered  dat  de 
feathers  might  grow  in  an'  not  come  out. 
So  we  let  dat  go  an'  tied  'em  on  wid  a  wire 
an'  some  string.  We  fixed  him  up  a  skirt 
out  ef  pink  tissher  paper,  an'  we  made  him  a 
string  ef  shells  ter  wind  'round  his  neck,  de 
244 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

shells  havin'  been  stoled  by  Crutch  from  a 
fountain  in  a  front  yard. 

Dat  coon  was  too  pertickler  fer  a  nigger 
altergither,  anyways,  an'  when  he  seen  meh 
cut  orff  his  pants  at  de  knees  he  swore  he'd 
kill  meh  sure  when  de  ropes  was  orff  him, 
but  I  explained  it  was  de  fashun  fer  Hono- 
luler  Kings  ter  wear  deir  pants  short,  but  it 
didn't  make  de  coon  feel  none  better  until  I 
toled  him  we  cut  'em  orff  in  sich  a  way  dat 
he  could  sew  'em  on  agin  easy. 

What  troubled  us  most  was  how  ter  make 
him  a  long  pig-tail  like  de  one  which  I  seen 
on  de  head  ef  de  Honoluler  Queen,  but  Foxy 
said  ater  a  while  dat  he  knowed  it  was  de 
style  fer  kings  ter  go  baldheaded  when 
queens  wore  deir  hair  long.  "  'Sides,"  says 
Foxy,  "  ef  we  shaved  de  coon's  head  ez  bald 
ez  a  billiard  ball  de  feathers  '11  look  better 
an'  more  kingy." 

An'  we  took  de  razor  out  ef  de  coon's 
pocket  an'  Foxy  shaved  his  head,  only  not 
245 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

havin'  eny  soap  an'  Foxy  not  bein'  a  barber 
by  trade  dat  nigger  set  up  sich  a  yell  dat  we 
was  erbliged  ter  let  one  half  ef  his  head  go, 
which  was  still  more  odd  an'  kingy.  Next 
we  made  de  coon  a  spear  out  ef  a  stick  an'  a 
shield  out  ef  a  barrul-top,  an'  we  toled  him  ef 
he  yelled  an'  danced  all  de  time  an'  played 
de  king  like  he  orter  we'd  give  him  three  per 
cent,  ef  all  dat  was  left  over  from  de  profits 
an'  de  expinses,  'sides  a  yaller  shirt  an'  a 
plug  hat,  an'  I  don't  know  what  else.  We 
left  Crutch  an'  Squint-eye  an'  One-armed 
Jake  inside  de  tent  ter  stick  a  pin  in  de  coon 
if  he  should  git  sleepy  an'  fergit  ter  dance 
lively,  an'  meh  an'  Foxy  went  outside  an' 
hung  up  de  sign,  which  read : 
COUGH  UP  A  DIME 
AN'  SEE  DE  HONOLULER  KING, 

BLACK  WATKINS. 

DE  STRONGEST  MAN  IN  DE  WURLD! 

DE  LOUDEST  SINGER! 

DE  WILDEST  DANCER! 

EATS  SPEARS  FER  His  DINNER. 

246 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Patfi 

DE  ONLY  HONOLULER  KlNG  AWAY  FROM  HlS 
HOME  IN  DE  WHOLE  WURLD. 

Price  one  dime.  Children  one  cent.  De 
King  will  give  each  lady  a  handsome  presint 
free—sewvenirs  which  he  brung  wid  him 
from  his  own  Honoluler  land. 

"  What  fer  a  presint  kin  King  Watkins 
give  de  ladies,  Foxy?  "  I  axed  him. 

"  A  kiss/'  says  Foxy ;  "  a  handsome  Hono 
luler  kiss  from  his  own  kingy  lips ;"  an'  Foxy 
begins  ter  yell  'round  an  'hit  de  sign  wid  his 
stick,  an'  Squint-eye  an'  Crutch  stirred  de 
coon  up  inside,  an'  de  show  commenced.  It 
skeered  men  cold  ter  see  de  way  de  dimes 
begins  ter  tumble  in.  An'  we  was  mad 
'cause  we  didn't  build  a  bigger  tent,  an' 
Squint-eye  coniin'  runnin'  out  an'  yellin'  dat 
it  might  be  a  good  idee  ter  pull  de  tent  down 
an'  charge  de  peepul  a  dime  fer  steppin'  in 
side  ef  a  rope,  fer  which  Foxy  called  him  a 
fool. 

"  An'  de  coon  seemed  ter  like  bein'  a  king 
247 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

ater  he  got  used  ter  it,  fer  de  peepul  was  all 
lookin'  at  him  an'  wonderin'  at  him,  which  is 
agreerbul  ter  coons  somehow,  de  same  ez  ter 
white  men.  An'  he  made  lots  ef  fun  by 
wantin'  ter  kiss  de  ladies  in  earnest  fer  a 
presint  ter  hisself,  dey  not  wantin'  it  at  all, 
an'  him  wantin'  it  mighty  bad,  which  is  hu 
man  natcher,  too. 

But  late  in  de  aternoon  King  Watkins 
got  tired  ef  singin'  an'  dancin',  him  sayin' 
his  legs  an'  lungs  was  givin'  out  an'  wantin' 
ter  take  a  nap ;  but  we  had  ter  keep  de  show 
up  while  de  dimes  was  rollin'  in,  so  Crutch 
stuck  pins  inter  his  kingy  legs,  an'  de  blame 
coon  got  mad,  which  he  had  no  right  ter  do, 
an'  he  hit  Crutch  on  de  head  wid  de  barrul- 
top,  an'  Crutch  grabbed  him  an'  got  hisself 
all  covered  over  wid  red  an'  blue  paint,  an' 
de  king's  feathers  comes  orff  an'  de  crowd 
laffs  an'  howls,  an'  anuder  nigger  what  jist 
give  a  dime  ter  see  de  Honoluler  King  yells 
out: 

248 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

"Ha!  Ha!  Ha!  Dat  ain't  no  Honoluler 
King.  He  ain't  no  more  a  king  en  meh. 
Dat's  Abraham  Linkin  Smith — jist  a  plain, 
every-day,  no-account  nigger  what  lived  over 
here  in  Rock  Haven  an'  runned  away  from 
his  wife  an'  chil'ren  last  year." 

An'  when  de  Honoluler  King  heard  dat  he 
gave  a  most  awful  yell,  an'  he  turned  white 
under  his  blue  an'  red  paint  an'  his  black 
skin,  an'  he  thrung  his  spear  an'  his  shield 
on  de  floor  an'  tore  orff  his  paper  skirt  an' 
made  a  leap  for  the  door,  but  I  grabbed  him 
wid  Squint-eye  an'  we  thrung  him  down,  an' 
Crutch  McAllister  hit  de  udder  nigger  what 
made  all  de  trouble  an'  chased  him  out  ef  de 
tent. 

"  I'm  a-goin'  ter  tell  his  wife  at  Rock 
Haven  ater  I  see  de  circus,"  says  de  nigger. 
"  She'll  Honoluler  King  Abraham  Linkin 
Smith,  she  will.  I'll  git  even  wid  yose  fel 
lers  fer  hittin'  meh  an'  cheatin'  meh  out  ef  a 
dime." 

249 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

An'  when  de  Honoluler  King  heard  dat 
nigger  carry  on  'bout  tellin'  his  wife  he  jist 
laid  down  an'  cried  an'  begged  us  ter  let  him 
go,  sayin'  his  wife  was  a  most  terribul 
woman,  an'  dat  she  would  kill  every  one  ef 
us  sure  ez  could  be.  But  we  was  willin'  ter 
take  chanctes.  An'  King  Watkins  wouldn't 
act  no  more,  spite  ef  de  fact  dat  Crutch  kep' 
a-shovin'  de  pins  inter  him ;  but  when  I  seed 
dat  argimints  was  no  good  I  tried  kind 
words  on  him  an'  I  guv  him  two  dimes  an' 
half  a  plug  ef  chewin7  terbacker,  an'  I  told 
him  I  would  watch  out  at  de  door  fer  his 
wife  an'  dat  I  would  let  him  know  in  time, 
an'  dat  I  wouldn't  let  no  nigger  woman  in 
side  de  tent,  which  cheered  him  up  more  en 
de  pins,  an'  he  started.de  Honoluler  King 
circus  agin.  I  kin  tell  yer  right  here  it  was 
de  best  bizness  ever  five  hobos  struck  at 
one  time,  fer  long  afore  five  o'clock  we 
had  twenty  dollars  an'  de  crowd  still 
pilin'  aroun'  'count  ef  de  fun  ef  watchin' 
250 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meli  Path 

de  Honoluler  King  tryin'  ter  kiss  de 
wimens. 

An-  when  things  was  goin'  so  nice  Foxy 
was  savin'  outside  ter  nieh  dat  it  would  be  a 
good  inwestment  ter  buy  a  wagon  ter  haul 
de  coon  'round  from  place  ter  place,  so  he 
couldn't  run  away,  an'  ter  give  perform 
ances  ;  an'  he  was  a-goin'  on  ter  say  we  could 
save  de  money  we  made  fer  a  time  an'  buy  a 
tiger  er  a  elerphunt,  an'  dat  we  could  coax 
de  coon  an'  de  tiger  ter  sleepin'  in  de  same 
wagon  an'  actin'  tergither;  an'  den  ater  a 
little  more  while  we  could  buy  a  clown  an'  a 
monkey  er  two  an'  so  on  an'  so  on  until  we 
had  a  whole  circus ;  an'  while  he  was  givin' 
meh  his  dream  ef  bein'  P.  T.  Barnum 
oncet  agin,  I  looked  up  an'  seen  a  big 
crowd  runnin'  double  quick  acrost  de 
bridge. 

"  What's  up,  Poxy?  "  I  axed,  pom  tin'  at 
de  crowrd. 

"  I  don't  know,"  says  he;  "  maybe  de  tiger 
251 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

got  out  ef  his  cage.  It  would  be  a  fine 
chanct  ter  swipe  it  an'  put  it  in  de  tent  wid 
our  coon." 

"  Don't  talk  like  a  fool,"  I  says,  worried ; 
*'  a  tiger  ain't  no  muskeeter  what  yer  kin 
lead  'round  wid  a  string!  An'  look  at  dat 
crowd !  I  never  see  sich  a  crowd  in  de  coun- 
tree  afore!  An'  see  what  dey're  follerin'. 
It's  de  Honoluler  Queen,  her  a-shakin'  her 
spear  an'  dancin'  de  war  dance.  What  '11 
we  do?" 

"  What  '11  we  do?  "  says  Foxy.  "  Let  'em 
chase  de  Honoluler  Queen  till  she  gits  tired 
er  dey  is  tired.  What's  it  ter  us?  " 

"  She's  headed  dis  way,"  I  says,  "  an'  de 
circus  man  is  tryin'  ter  throw  a  rope  aroun' 
her  head.  Maybe  she  went  mad." 

"  Maybe  she  grabbed  de  box  ef  coin  at  de 
door  an'  runned  orff  wid  it,"  said  Foxy. 

"  It  ain't  no  box  ef  coin  she's  got  in  her 
hand,"  I  says,  "  but  a  spear." 

An'  dat  great  big  Honoluler  Queen  comes 
252 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

on  toward  our  tent  a-swingin'  her  spear,  de 
circus  man  still  tryin'  ter  ketch  her  'round 
de  neck  wid  a  rope,  an'  de  crowd  behint  her 
laughin'  an'  howlin'  an'  screaniin',  an'  more 
peepul  learin'  de  circus  concert  an'  chasin' 
de  mob  all  de  time. 

"  Foxy,"  I  whispers,  gettin'  skeered,  "  I 
knows  what's  up  now.  De  Honoluler  Queen 
is  jealous  ef  de  Honoluler  King,  him  not 
bein'  genuine,  an'  she's  comin'  ter  kill  us." 

"  She  certainly  does  look  mad/'  says 
Foxy.  "  Mollbuzzer,  yer  kin  watch  de  tent 
a  bit  an' " 

"  No,  Foxy,"  I  says,  "  we  dies  er  we 
thrives  tergither." 

"  All  right,"  says  Foxy,  "  but  we  orter  let 
dat  poor  nigger  know  she's  comin'  so's  he 
kin  run  away  afore  he  gits  kilt  fer  bein'  a 
king." 

"  No,';  I  says,  "  we  kin  keep  de  Honoluler 
Queen  outside,  an'  bizness  '11  be  better 
a'count  ef  de  crowd." 

253 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

An'  afore  we  knows  what  is  up,  er  who, 
er  what,  er  when,  dat  Honoluler  Queen  runs 
up  wid  her  club  fer  our  tent. 

"  Even  de  Honoluler  Queen  herself,"  yells 
Foxy  out  loud  an'  quick  ez  kin  be,  "  is 
payin'  ten  cents  er  one  dime  ter  see  de  real 
an'  only  lively  Watkins,  King  ef  Hono 
luler." 

But  she  didn't  pay  no  dime,  I'm  a-tellin' 
yer;  she  jist  reached  out  an'  grabbed  Foxy 
by  de  ear  an'  throwed  him  on  de  ground,  an' 
runned  inside  de  tent  ez  ef  she  was  de  owner 
ef  de  Honoluler  King  an'  all  de  rest.  An' 
de  circus  man  wid  de  rope  wanted  ter  foller 
her,  but  I  grabs  him  an'  he  yells : 

"  Let  meh  go !  De  Honoluler  Queen  is 
runnin'  away  an'  she'll  bust  meh  bizness. 
She's  de  only  attractshun  what  I  got." 

"  One  dime,"  I  says,  "  ter  step  in  an'  see 
de  Honoluler  King."  An'  he  forks  over  de 
same  dime  what  I  give  him  ter  see  de  Hono 
luler  Queen. 

254 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

An'  den  meh  an'  Foxy  hears  dat  Hono- 
luler  King  a-yellin'  louder  en  ef  Crutch  an' 
Squint-eye  was  a-makin'  him  inter  a  paper 
fer  pins,  an'  we  hears  de  Honoluler  Queen 
a-screamin',  "  Yer  lazy,  good-fer-nothin; 
Abraham  Linkin  Smith,  I  got  yer  at  last. 
I'm  goin'  ter  show  yer  how  ter  lazy  orff 
away  from  yer  wife  ter  play  king  an'  let  meh 
play  Honoluler  Queen  ter  feed  yer  kids,"  an1 
I  hears  him  a-beggin'  her  ter  let  him  go,  an' 
I  raises  meh  voice  an'  yells:  ,.-., 

"  Ladies  an'  Gents,  fer  de  oncet  an'  only 
time  de  Honoluler  King  an'  Queen  tergither 
under  one  tent !  Price  of  admission  twinty 
cents,  er  a  dime  fer  each !  Up  an'  be  quick, 
fer  it  '11  only  last  fer  a  little  while!  De 
Honoluler  King  an'  de  Honoluler  Queen  in 
deir  most  touchin'  act,  De  Happy  Honoluler 
Fireside  at  Night!" 

An'  de  crowd,  bein'  curious  ter  see  what 
was  up,  comes  along  so  quick  wid  deir 
twenty-cent  pieces  dat  we  didn't  even  have 
255 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

time  ter  make  change,  an'  some  ef  'em  got  in 
fer  a  dollar  an'  some  ef  'em  got  in  fer 
nothin'. 

Den  Squint-eye  an'  Crutch  McAllister  an' 
One-armed  Jake  comes  rurinin'  out  ef  de 
tent  fer  help,  Crutch  yellin' : 

"  De  Honoluler  Queen  is  got  de  Honoluler 
King  on  de  floor  an'  she'll  club  him  ter 
death  ez  sure  ez  kin  be.  We  can't  do 
nothin'.  Come  quick." 

"  An'  leave  all  dis  good  money  here,"  I 
says.  "  Not  meh.  Let  her  club.  Only  I 
hope  she  ain't  in  no  hurry." 

An'  when  de  crowd  heard  what  was  up 
dey  pushes  an'  shoves  so  dat  dey  knocks  de 
tent  down  an'  den  der  was  de  awf ullest  mix- 
up  ever  I  seen,  us  tryin'  ter  fling  out  de 
peepul  what  hadn't  paid  ter  see  de  King  an' 
Queen,  an'  de  peepul  refusin'  ter  git  out,  an' 
de  Honoluler  Queen  a-poundin'  de  Hono 
luler  King  wid  her  spear,  an'  de  circus  man 
a-tryin'  ter  jerk  de  Honoluler  Queen  back 
256 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

ter  her  tent  by  de  arm,  an'  de  Honoluler 
King  gettin'  mad  at  him  fer  takin'  liburties 
wid  his  wife  an'  Queen,  which  was  worser, 
an7  he  bitted  de  circus  man  acrost  de  head, 
which  made  de  Honoluler  Queen  proud  ef 
her  warrior  husband,  an'  she  says,  "  Dat's 
right,  Abraham  Linkin  Smith,  stand  by  yer 
wife  an'  she'll  stand  by  yer."  An'  both  ef 
'em  goes  fer  de  circus  man  right  an'  left,  ef 
which  I  was  glad  'cause  he  was  de  feller 
what  beated  meh  out  ef  de  dime  ter  see  de 
Honoluler  Queen. 

"Git  someone  ter  raise  up  de  tent  an* 
charge  a  dollar,"  yells  Foxy,  dreadful  ex 
cited.  "  Git  'er  up !  " 

"  It  can't  be  done,"  yells  Crutch  McAllis 
ter. 

"  Dat  rascal  ef  a  circus  man  spiled  our 
bizness,"  yells  One-armed  Jake,  "  him  bein' 
jealous  ef  us  an'  sickin'  de  Honoluler  Queen 
on  de  Honoluler  King."  An'  Jake  cracks 
de  circus  man  one  wid  his  good  arm  an'  one 
257 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

wid  his  wood  arm,  an'  de  crowd  pitches  in 
ter  pull  'em  apart,  an'  I  don't  know  what 
would  'a'  happened  only  a  crowd  ef  de  circus 
peepul  conies  over  de  bridge  ter  help  deir 
side  out,  fer  it  was  gettin'  most  terribul. 
But  Crutch  an'  Squint-eye  dey  keeps  deir 
heads  an'  keeps  goin'  aroun'  tryin'  ter  collect 
twenty  cints  from  evirybody  what  was 
standin'  where  de  tent  ought  ter  'a'  been,  fer 
which  dey  got  kicked  an'  cuffed. 

All  I  kin  rimirnber  now  is  dat  when  some 
one  got  orff  meh  chest  an'  quit  poundin' 
meh  head  I  looked  up  an'  seen  de  Honoluler 
King  an'  de  Honoluler  Queen  a-goin'  home 
arm  in  arm,  de  best  friends  in  all  de  world, 
de  same  ez  ef  dey  had  niver  been  king  er 
queen  at  all  but  jist  plain  husband  an'  wife 
all  deir  lives.  Maybe  she  scolded  him  fer 
cuttin'  orff  his  pants  so  short,  which  did  look 
peculiar,  but  dat  wasn't  de  poor  coon's 
fault. 

An'  I  hollers  ter  Foxy  quick  an'  tells  him 
258 


A  Dark  Lady  Crosses  Meh  Path 

what  I  seen,  an'  he  says,  "  Ater  'em  quick, 
Mollbuzzer.  Ater  'em !  We  kin  git  both  ef 
'em  ter  travel  aroun'  wid  us  under  one  tent, 
an7  we  kin  have  de  best  show  in  de  countree. 
De  Honoluler  Queen  is  better  en  a  tiger  er 
a  elerphunt.  'Stead  ef  dancin'  we  kin  let 
'em  fight.  Ater  'em  quick,  Mollbuzzer." 

An'  I  scoots  ater  'em,  Foxy  jist  a  little  bit 
ahint  men  yellin',  "  Coax  him,  Mollbuzzer, 
coax  him ;  promise  him  a  red  silk  tent  an'  a 
yaller  banjo,  an'  her  a  diamond  bracelet  an' 
a  yaller  handkerchief." 

An'  in  meh  excitemint  I  didn't  notice  dat 
Foxy  kep  care  ter  keep  ahint  an'  coax  meh 
ter  coax  dem,  fer  when  I  ketched  de  Hono 
luler  King  he  jist  grabs  meh  by  de  neck  an' 
he  says,  "  Dere's  de  man  what  cut  ineh  pants 
orff  ter  de  knees  an'  painted  meh  red  an'  cut 
holes  inter  meh  head  ter  put  feathers  in !  " 

"  Dat  de  man,  is  it ! "  yells  de  Honoluler 
Queen,  a-lookin'  at  meh  sharp,  "dat's  de 
same  man  what  called  meh  names  yisterday." 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  I  got  a  diamond  tent  an'  a  yaller  dia 
mond/7  I  started  fer  ter  explain,  but  dey 
wouldn't  even  wait  ter  hear  what  I  had  ter 
give  'em,  but  bein'  in  a  hurry  he  jist  took  all 
de  coin  what  I  had  away  from  meh,  sayin'  it 
was  his'n  anyway,  an'  fat  Mrs.  Honoluler 
Smith  kep'  whackin'  dat  spear  aroun'  meh 
ribs  an'  back  an'  askin'  meh  ef  I  was  tick 
lish,  which  I  was. 

De  more  I  thinks  ef  de  circus  bizness,  Mr. 
Anterpolergist,  de  more  I  thinks  ef  Mr.  P. 
T.  Barnum,  fer  how  he  could  keep  eler- 
phunts  an'  tigers  an'  Honoluler  Queens 
a-goin'  roun'  de  same  ring  an'  not  git  hurt 
hisself  is  a  mysteree  ter  meh.  Maybe  he 
wore  Injee-rubber  clothes  an'  had  a  peculiar 
kind  ef  skin. 

P.S. — Mr.  Anterpolergist,  a  circus  might 
be  a  good  place  fer  yer  ter  study  de  science 
ef  man.  Yer  could  work  yer  way  from  eddi- 
cated  pigs  up. 


260 


"  De  same  ez  ef  dey  bad  niver  been 
King  er  Queen  at  all. ' ' 


WIMENS  PERSUE  MEH  ONCET  AGIN 

Tellin'  how  a  interruptin'  woman  made 
meh  ter  believe  dat  all  we  knows  'bout 
icimens  is  dat  dey  is  wimcns. 

I  LEFT  de  countree  sooner  en  usual  dat 
year  'count  ef  meh  hard  luck  wid  de  Hono- 
luler  Queen  an'  I  steered  back  ter  de  city 
late  in  de  fall  'stead  ef  early  in  de  winter. 
Winter  an'  summer  is  sure  ter  come  along 
jist  when  yer  don't  want  'em,  de  same  ez  de 
cops.  It  seems  ter  meh,  too,  which  I  wish 
yer  could  explain,  dat  cops  an'  winter  jines 
hands  jist  fer  ter  bother  hobos  an'  fer 
nothin'  else. 

I  went  over  ter  de  Star  Ef  Hope  ez  soon 
ez  de  freight  car  brung  meh  ter  town,  but 
Sam  de  Scribe  ner  none  ef  meh  old  friends 
was  in  yet,  an'  I  was  lonesome  an'  hungry. 
De  night  was  rainy  an'  dark  an'  cold,  an'  I 
didn't  feel  much  like  huntin'  'round  fer 
261 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

work,  but  dere  was  no  way  out  ef  it,  an'  a 
hungry  stomick  don't  ask  adwice  ef  yer 
feelings,  anyways.  I  s'pose  a  stomick  was 
give  us  ter  keep  us  movin',  same  ez  four  legs 
was  give  ter  a  horse,  eh?  I  walked  over 
north  a  bit  an'  picked  meh  out  a  corner  fer 
ter  stand  on  an'  watch  fer  pickings,  but 
nothin'  come  along,  not  even  a  cove  wid  a 
dime,  an'  I  was  gettin'  so  tired  dat  I  fought 
ef  huntin'  meh  out  a  place  ter  sleep  in  a 
alley,  when  a  big,  fat  lady  marched  up  wid  a 
satchul  in  her  hand,  a-puffin'  an'  a-blowin' 
like  ez  ef  de  satchul  was  fatter  en  her. 

She  gives  meh  a  slip  ef  paper  ter  read 
which  says,  "  Mr.  P.  G.  Martin,  1009  Fern- 
wood  Place,"  an'  she  axes  meh  does  I  know 
where  dat  place  is.  I  didn't  know,  never 
havin'  heard  ef  it,  but  I  says,  "  Sure,  mum, 
I  knows.  Yer  walks  eight  blocks  east  an' 
den  yer  turns  two  south,  an'  den " 

"Eight  blocks,"  hollers  she;  "dey  tole 
meh  it  was  jist  a  step  -er  two  from  here," 
262 


Wimens  Pursue  Meh  Oiicet  Agin 

"  Ef  dat's  so,"  I  says,  "  den  take  two  steps 
an'  see  ef  yer  kin  see  it.  I  ought  ter  know, 
'cause  meh  father  lived  an'  died  here,  an' 
meh  grandfather  has  a  street  named  ater 
him,  an'  meh  grandmother " 

"  I  don't  care  ter  know  yer  family  his- 
tree,"  interrupts  she;  "  but  where  Fernwood 
Place  is." 

"  I  jist  was  tellin'  yer,"  I  says ;  "  yer 
walks  eight  blocks  east  an' " 

"  I  can't  carry  dis  big  satchul  dat  far," 
she  interrupts  agin,  "  an' " 

"  Satchul,"  I  says,  interruptin'  dis  time 
mehself ;  "  it  looks  more  like  a  trunk." 

"  I  didn't  call  fer  no  commints,"  says  she, 
"  but  fer  de  price  yer  would  ax  ter  carry  it 
fer  meh  ter  Fernwood  Place." 

"What's  in  de  satchul?"  I  axes. 

"  Dat's  none  ef  yer  bizness,"  she  says, 
"  an'  it  don't  make  no  differunce,  any 
ways. 

"  I  jist  wanted  ter  know,"  says  I,  "  'cause 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

ef  it  was  glass  an'  it  broke  I'd  be  responsible 
ter  de  law." 

"  I  niver  heard  ef  sich  a  thing,"  says  she, 
a-lookin'  aroun'  ter  see  ef  she  could  find 
someone  else,  which  she  couldn't. 

"  Stranger  here?  "  I  axes. 

"What  else  does  yer  want  ter  know?" 
axes  she.  An'  she  takes  up  de  satchul  an' 
turns  east,  like  I  told  her,  which  might  'a' 
been  right  an'  might  'a'  been  wrong,  an'  she 
puffs  an'  blows,  an'  den  she  hollers  fer  meh 
ter  come  along. 

"  How  much  will  yer  charge?  "  she  axes 
agin. 

"  Has  yer  a  pencil?  "  I  axes. 

"  What  fer  a  pencil?  "  axes  she. 

"  I  wants  ter  kalkerlate,  mum,"  says  I. 

"  Yer  don't  need  no  kalkerlation — it  ain't 
no  kontract,"  she  snaps. 

"  Don't  git  angry,  mum,"  I  says  perlitely, 
her  bein'  a  woman,  "  but  ater  eight  o'clock 
we  charges  ten  cents  a  mile." 
264 


Wimens  Pursue  Meh  Oncet  Agin 

"  An'  how  many  miles  is  it?  " 

"  It's  free  miles  goin',"  says  I,  "  an'  four 
miles  coniin'  back,  'cause " 

"  I  niver  heard  de  like,"  interrupts  she, 
"  niver ;  yer  don't  need  ter  take  de  satchul 
back,  an'  de  charge  is  terribul.  I'll  get  a 
cab ;  it's  cheaper." 

"  I'll  call  a  cab,  mum,"  says  I ;  "  meh 
Cousin  Mike " 

"  I  don't  want  nothin'  ter  do  wid  anybody 
in  yer  fam'ly,"  she  cries. 

"  Yer  unreasonuble,  mum,"  says  I ;  "is 
Mike  ter  blame  ef " 

"Yer  kin  go,"  she  interrupts  agin,  her 
bein'  speshul  on  interruptions ;  "  I  wants  no 
more  ef  yer  an'  yer  impudince." 

"  It  ain't  meh  ez  is  impudint,  mum,"  says 
I,  « it's " 

"  Ef  yer  don't  go  I'll  call  a  perlice,"  she 
interrupts  meh  agin. 

"  Let  meh  call  a  perlice  fer  yer,  mum ;  meh 

Cousin  Handy " 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Ought  ter  put  his  fam'ly  in  jail  first," 
interrupts  dis  terribul  interrupter  oncet 
more. 

An'  I  walks  away  cursin'  mehself  fer  bein' 
so  foolish  an'  axin'  so  much  an'  losin  sich 
an  easy  job,  when  she  hollers  out  agin: 

"  Say,  how  much  will  yer  take  ter  carry 
de  satchul  dere  only?  " 

"  Ten  cents  de  whole  ways,"  I  says,  "  an' 
nothin'  fer  comin'  back." 

"  Yer  changes  yer  charges  mighty  quick," 
says  she. 

"  Well,"  says  I,  "  wider  ladies  is  half 
price." 

"  I  ain't  no  wider  lady,"  she  yells. 

"  But  yer's  dressed  in  black,"  I  says. 

"  Dat's  meh  own  bizness,"  she  hollers ;  "  I 
didn't  want  yer  fer  ter  marry  meh,  but  ter 
carry  de  satchul." 

"  Which  is  easier,"  I  says ;  "  but  wider 
ladies  an  ladies  dressed  in  black — it's  all  one 
—half  price." 

266 


Wimens  Persue  Meh  Oncet  Agin 

"  Take  de  satchul,"  she  says,  "  an7  march 
ahead;  I'll  foller  behint," 

"What  fer  behint?"  axes  I.  "I  ain't 
pertickler ;  yer  kin  go  ahead  if  yer  likes.  I 
won't  charge  no  more." 

"Hurry  on,"  says  she;  "yer  talks  more 
en  ef  it  was  a  law-suit.  An'  I'm  late  now, 
an'  ef  de  lady  is  out " 

"  Ain't  yer  de  lady?  "  I  axes. 

"  Hurry  'long,"  says  she. 

So  I  hurries  on  fast  ez  I  could  fer  a  block, 
her  a-blowin'  an'  a-puffin'  behint  meh. 

"  Don't  go  so  quick,"  she  pants ;  "  I  can't 
keep  up  wid  yer." 

"  Yer  told  meh  ter  hurry  on,"  I  says. 

"  But  not  ter  run,"  says  she. 

So  I  walks  on  slower  en  a  musketeer  in 
winter,  an'  her  gettin'  madder  en  madder, 
but  not  darin'  ter  say  a  word  fer  fear  I'd 
run  agin,  but  finally  she  pipes  out: 

"  I  wished  I  was  thru  wid  yer,  I  do." 

"  I  wish  yer  was,  mum,"  says  I,  "  fer  it  '11 
267 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

be  past  ten  afore  I  gets  home  an'  meh  wife 
an'  de  chil'ren  '11  worry.  An'  I'll  have  ter 
stop  ter  buy  bread,  an " 

"  Yer  fam'ly  ain't  nothin'  ter  meh,"  says 
she.  "  Hurry  on.  But  yer  needn't  run,  an' 
yer  needn't  creep  along  like  cold  mer- 
lasses ! " 

"  Merlasses !  "  I  shouts.  "  Good,  mum ; 
I'm  glad  yer  said  it ;  I  almost  fergot  dat  meh 
wife  wanted — — " 

"Go  on!"  she  screams,  "  f  er  de  love  ef 
Heaven,  go  on.  Yer  kin  write  meh  de  his- 
tree  ef  yer  family  aterwards." 

"  But  I  can't  write,  muni,"  I  says,  startin' 
ahead,  rneedjum  quick.  An'  I  goes  on  a 
block  er  so,  an'  den  I  stops  ter  mop  meh 
brow. 

"What's  wrong  now?"  axes  she. 

"  It  weighs  like  iron,"  I  says,  "  an'  I'm 
goin'  ter  open  it  ter  see  what's  inside  ef  it 
afore  I  goes  on." 

"  Don't  yer  dare !  "  she  hollers.  "  I  niver 
268 


Don't  go  so  quick  J  she  pants" 


Wimens  Persue  Meh  Oncet  Agin 

heard  de  like  ef  yer  in  all  meh  life.     I'll  call 
fer  a  perliee." 

"  All  right,"  I  laffs ;  "  I  was  only  a- 
foolin'." 

"  Well,  don't  fool  no  more,"  she  groans , 
"  dis  is  bizness." 

"  Awful  bizness,  too,"  I  says,  "  a-carryin- 
a  iron  satchul  eight  blocks  fer  ten  cents  an' 
nothin'  goin'  back." 

"  I'll  give  yer  fifteen  ef  yer  hurries,"  says 
she. 

"  I'll  hurry,"  I  says.  An'  I  drops  de 
satchul  agin. 

"  What  be  yer  droppin'  it  fer  now?  "  she 
axes. 

"  Ter  change  hands,"  I  answers. 

"  But  yer  kin  be  gentle,"  she  says;  "  you'll 
smash  everything  an' " 

"  But  yer  said  dere  was  no  glass  in  it,"  I 
says. 

"  How7  kin  yer  wife  an'  yer  chiPren  live 

wid  yer?  "  she  says;  "  I  don't " 

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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Well,"  I  says,  "  dey  changes  orff,  my 
wife  goin'  ter  her  sister's  some  weeks  an'  de 
chil'ren " 

"  I  ought  ter  have  known  better,"  she 
groans,  "  en  ter  start  yer  on  yer  fam'ly  Ms- 
tree  agin.  What  a  man  you  is !  " 

"  Meh  wife  oncet  tole  meh  Cousin 
Moses "  I  says. 

"  I  don't  care  what  yer  wife  told  yer 
Cousin  Moses,"  she  interrupts  agin. 

"  Moses  is  de  relig'us  one  ef  de  fam'ly,"  I 
says ;  "  it's  him  prays  an' " 

"  Go  on ;  fer  de  luve  ef  Heaven,  go ! "  she 
screams,  "  er  I'll  carry  de  satchul  meh- 
self." 

So  I  trots  on  a  piece,  not  wantin'  ter  lose 
de  job,  an'  den  I  stops  an'  laff s. 

"  At  what  is  yer  laffin'  ?  "  axes  she,  bein' 
curious  an'  a  woman,  which  I  knowed. 

"  At  Moses,"  I  says,  "  a-prayin'  so  hard 
he  lost  his  voice,  an'  now  he  hires  meh  fer 
ter  sing  'salms  an'  ter  say  prayers;  but  he 
270 


Wimens  Persue  Meh  Oncet  Agin 

lost  his  hearin'  an'  don't  know  a  'salm  from 
a  song,  an1 " 

"  I  wish  ter  Heaven  we  was  dere,"  she 
says. 

"  Summer  in  Christmus,  an'  winter  in 
Fourth  ef  July !  "  I  screams. 

"  What's  wrong  now?  "  she  axes. 

"  We're  here  now,"  I  says,  a-readin'  de 
name  Fernwood  Place  on  de  lamp-post,  luck 
bein'  wid  meh  fer  oncet ;  "  maybe  ez  Moses 
beared  yer  prayer,  mum,  an' " 

"  Yer  rascul !  "  she  screams.  "  Yer  didn't 
know  where  it  was  an'  yer'd  a  lost  meh,  yer 
would." 

"  I  did  know  where  it  was,  mum,"  I  in 
sists,  "  only,  as  yer  knows,  de  world  keeps 
a-turnin'  an'  a-turnin',  an'  Fernwood  Place 
is  here  now  an'  ter-morrow  it  '11  be  where 
Chinee  is,  an'  the  next  day  it  '11  be  in " 

"  Go  'long,  yer  rascul,"  she  says ;  an'  she 
gives  meh  de  fifteen  cents. 

"  Don't  I  get  anudder  nickel?  "  I  says. 
271 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  What  fer,  I'd  like  ter  know?  "  axes  she. 

"  Fer  savin'  car-fare,"  I  says, 

"  No  cars  runs  here,"  she  says. 

"  Dey  does,"  I  says,  "  but  I  f ergot." 

"  An'  yer  has  de  impudince,"  she  hollers, 
"  ter  put  meh  to  de  trouble  an'  worry  ef 
walkin'  an'  den  ter  ax  fer  five  cents  asides?  " 

"  But  I  saved  yer  ten,"  I  says,  "  an'  yer 
kin  keep  five  ef  it." 

"  Yer  villain !  yer  hoodlum !  yer  rascul !  " 
shouts  she,  "  go  'long,  er  I'll  call  de  per- 
lice." 

"  Yer  no  lady  at  all,"  I  answers  back, 
"  callin'  meh  all  dose  names,  an'  cheatin' 
meh  outen  ef  meh  five  cents.  An'  asides, 
yer  interrupted  meh  five  times  when  I  was 
talkin'  ter  yer,  which " 

An'  she  walks  away,  not  answerin'  meh, 
knowin'  she  was  in  de  wrong  an'  meh  in  de 
right;  an'  I  watches  her  goin'  inter  P.  G. 
Martin's  house,  meh  gettin'  madder  an'  mad 
der  dat  she  called  meh  de  names  an'  cheated 
212 


Wimens  Persue  Meh  Oncet  Agin 

meh  outen  ef  de  five  cents.  An'  I  waits  a 
while  an'  den  goes  to  de  house  an'  rings  de 
bell,  an'  I  axes  de  man  what  conies  to  de 
door: 

"  Please  kin  I  see  meh  sister,  de  fat  lady 
what  jist  come  in  wid  de  satchul?  " 

An'  de  man  looks  at  meh  sharp,  an'  he 
says,  "  Come  in,"  an'  he  lets  meh  in  de  vesti- 
bool,  an'  he  sings  out : 

"  Jane,  tell  de  new  cook  her  brother  is 
here  ter  see  her." 

An'  de  lady  whose  satchul  I  carries 
shouts,  "  Dat's  funny ;  de  only  brother  what 
I  got  is  in  de  English  army."  An'  when 
she  comes  down  de  stairs  an'  sees  meh,  she 
says: 

"  Yer  villian,  yer  here  agin?  " 

"  Ashamed  ter  recognize  yer  relatives," 
I  says,  "  cause  dey's  poor." 

"Go  'long!"  she  screams;  "I'll  have  de 
man  call  fer  de  patrol." 

"  An'  arrest  yer  brother?  "  I  says. 
273 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  I  niver  seen  dat  hoodlum  afore  ter- 
night,"  says  she,  "  when  I " 

"  Den  yer  jist  give  meh  back  dat  quart 
bottle  ef  whisky  what  I  put  in  yer  satchul, 
fer  a  prisint,  afore  yer  left  home," 
says  I. 

"  It's  a  lie,"  hollers  she,  a-gettin'  red  in 
de  face ;  "  I  ain't  got  no  whisky.  I  never 
drinks." 

"  Oh,  no,"  I  says,  "  our  poor  old  mother 
never  cried  her  eyes  out  account  ef " 

"  Call  de  perlice !  "  she  says. 

"  Open  her  satchul  an'  see  fer  yerself,  Mr. 
P.  G.  Martin,"  I  says. 

"  How  did  yer  learn  meh  name?  "  axes 
he. 

"  She  tole  meh,"  says  I,  "  when  she  axed 
meh  ter  write  her  riferences." 

"  It's  a  villianermous  lie !  "  howls  she. 

"  I  guess  yer  emptied  dat  bottle  already," 
says  I ;  "  yer  needn't  mind  gettin'  it." 

"  I  don't  want  ter  keep  no  cook  in  meh 
274 


Wimens  Persue  Meh  Oiicet  Agin 

house  what  has  sich  relatives/'  says  de  lady 
what  Mr.  P.  G.  Martin  calls  Jane. 

"  Yer  pirfectly  right,  inum,"  I  says. 
"  Asides,  as  yer  kin  see  fer  yerself,  she  in 
terrupts  all  de  time." 

"  I  don't  need  ter  stay  here/'  says  de  sat- 
chul  lady ;  "  dere's  other  places,  plinty  ef 
'em  what  I  kin  go  ter.  But  I  wants  dat 
rascul  arrested.  An'  I  wish  yer'd  call  a 
perlice." 

"  I'll  save  yer  de  trouble,"  I  says.  "  I'll 
call  one  mehself.  Our  cousins  Handy  an* 
Will  is  on  dis  beat." 

"  Yer  kin  go  an'  git  yer  satchul,"  says  de 
lady  Jane  to  de  cook  lady.  "  I  won't  have 
no  cook  wid  two  perlicemen  cousins  cornin' 
here  night  an'  day." 

"  It's  a  lie !  "  she  howls,  "  a  most  villian- 
ermous  lie ! " 

"  Don't  git  excited,"  I  says,  "  I'll  carry  yer 
satchul  back.  We  kin  take  de  cars  dis  time." 

"  Perlice !  "  yells  she. 
275 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"I'll  go  fer  Handy  an'  Will,"  I  says; 
"  Mr.  P.  G.  Martin,  I'll  be  back  in  a  min 
ute."  An'  I  starts  away. 

An'  dat  was  de  last  time  what  ever  I  seen 
dat  fat  interruptin'  lady  an'  it's  de  last 
time  what  I  ever  wants  ter  see  her;  but  I'll 
bet  dat  she  wishes  dat  she  didn't  cheat  a 
poor  man  outen  ef  his  hard-earned  money. 

Say,  Mr.  Anterpolergist,  why  don't  yer 
study  de  science  ef  wimens  'stead  ef  de 
science  ef  man?  Git  wimens  down  ter  a 
science,  write  a  book  on  her,  an'  de  peepul 
will  stand  on  deir  heads  ter  buy  'em.  I'll 
trade  yer  de  little  Hebrew  book  on  Moses 
fer  de  fust  copy. 


276 


XI 

A  TALE  EF  A  PIGTAIL 

Beiri  de  account  ef  how  I  went  ter  Chinee 
in  one  night  an'  how  I  come  home  de  next 
mornin';  ichich  is  quick. 

IT  was  de  same  night,  Mr.  Anterpolergist, 
ater  I  left  de  interrupt  in'  lady  dat  I  went  up 
ter  Sam  Lung's  Chinee  restaurint  fer  a 
bowl  ef  chop-suey  ter  cheer  up  meh  cold  an' 
lonely  heart.  I  goes  dere  often  'count  ef 
it's  bein'  cheap,  an'  'count  ef  de  Chineses 
bein'  interestin'  'count  ef  deir  ways,  an' 
cause  de  oder  "  yeagers  "  is  dere  often.  An 
de  fust  feller  I  seen  was  meh  old  friend 
"  Crutch  "  McAllister.  He  was  ez  glad  ter 
see  meh  ez  ef  he  never  knowed  meh  afore, 
an'  we  was  new  friends  fer  de  fust  time, 
which,  I  guess,  is  de  best  kind  ef  friends, 
ater  all. 

An'  Crutch  an'  meh  sits  down  at  de  table 
an'  orders  a  cup  ef  hot  tea  an'  a  bowl  ef 
277 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

chop-suey,  an'  Crutch  axes  meh,  "  Mollbuz- 
zer,  why  is  it  dat  niggers  is  black,  an'  us 
white,  an'  Chineses  yaller?  " 

"  A  sailor  tole  meh,  Crutch,"  says  I,  "  dat 
in  Afrikee  de  air  is  black,  an'  in  Chinee, 
which  is  middle  atween  Afrikee  an'  here, 
de  air  is  natcherally  yaller." 

"  But  why  is  deir  speakin'  so  differunt  en 
ourn?"  axes  Crutch.  "A  Chinee  can't 
understand  a  white  man  ner  us  can't  under 
stand  him." 

An'  I  says,  "  Crutch,  de  sailor  man  tole 
meh  dat  we  learns  our  langwidges  from  ani- 
muls,  an'  animuls  bein'  differunt  in  dif 
ferunt  places  de  langwidges  is  differunt. 
In  Chinee  de  animuls  is  mostly  pigs  an' 
rats,  which  'counts  fer  de  squeaks  in  deir 
langwidge." 

"  But  where  did  de  animuls  learn  it  in  de 
fust  place?  "  axes  he. 

"  It  comes  natcheral  ter  animuls,"  I  says. 

"  I  guess  it's  so,"  says  he,  thinkin',  "  but 
278 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


why  does  Chineses  wear  deir  hair  in  pig 
tails?  " 

"  De  sailor  tole  me,  Crutch,"  says  I,  "  dat 
in  Chinee  dere  ain't  no  houses  like  here,  an' 
dey  all  sleeps  on  de  ground,  an'  in  de  night 
a  terribul  wind  comes  along  an'  dey  ties 
demselves  ter  trees  by  deir  pigtails  so  dey 
won't  blow  inter  de  sea,  which  in  Chinee  Is 
close  ter  de  land  every wheres." 

"  A  feller  tole  ineh  oncet,  Mollbuzzer," 
he  says,  "  dat  ef  yer  sticks  a  pin  er  a  horse 
shoe  nail  inter  a  Chinee  it  don't  hurt  him 
none,  'count  ef  his  skin  bein'  yaller,  but  ef 
yer  pulls  his  pigtail  it  hurts  him  more  den 
ef  yer  kills  a  white  man,  which  is  de  reason 
Chineses  don't  git  deir  hair  cut,  not  bein' 
able  ter  stand  de  pain." 

"  I'd  like  ter  try  it  an'  see,  Crutch,"  says 
I,  "  fer  I  don't  berlieve  it." 

"  Ner  I  don't  berlieve  what  de  sailor  tole 
yer,"  says  he,  which  made  meh  mad,  him 
braggin'  he  guessed  he  knowed  more  about 
279 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

Chineses  en  meh,  'count  ef  his  eatin'  more 
chop-suey,  an'  so  finerly  we  agrees  ter  ax  a 
real  Chinee  an'  find  out  which  ef  us  was 
right. 

Dere  was  a  Chinee  kid  what  worked  in  de 
restaurint  what  was  half  white  an'  half 
Chinee,  his  mother  bein'  Amerikin  an'  his 
father  ownin'  de  restaurint  afore  he  died. 
Crutch  he  calls  de  kid  an'  he  gives  him  a 
cent  an'  axes  which  was  right,  De  kid  says 
us  was  both  right,  so  I  gives  him  a  cent,  too. 
Den  I  axes  him  why  it  was  Chineses  names 
has  allus  a  lung  in  it,  like  Hop  Lung  an'  Sam 
Lung,  an'  Charlie  Lung;  an'  de  Chinee  kid 
says  dat  Lung  is  de  Chinee  fer  Smith. 

Den  de  kid  goes  orff  an'  tells  de  Chineses 
in  de  room  what  we  says,  'cause  dey  laffs 
an'  laffs  an'  squeaks,  which  makes  meh  an* 
Crutch  mad,  seein'  ez  a  Chinee  ain't  got  no 
right  ter  laugh  at  a  white  man,  us  bein' 
white  an'  dey  bein'  Chineses. 

An'  I  says  ter  Crutch,  "  I'm  goin'  ter  yank 
280 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


de  pigtail  ef  de  big  feller  sittin'  on  de  end  ef 
de  table  afore  I  goes  out." 

"Don't  do  it,"  says  he;  "dey'll  kill  us 
ter  death  ef  yer  does." 

So  I  said  ez  I  wouldn't  'count  ef  him  bein' 
afeered,  but  all  de  time  I  sits  dere  meh 
fingers  itches  fer  ter  grab  de  Chinese's  pig 
tail  an'  yank  it  ter  hear  an'  see  what  he 
would  do.  An'  all  de  while  we  sits  dere 
more  an'  more  Chineses  comes  in  de  restau- 
rint  until  all  de  chairs  was  taken  wid  Chi 
neses.  An'  de  pigtail  ef  de  big  feller  sittin' 
on  de  end  ef  de  table  hangs  down  an'  seems 
ter  say  ter  meh,  "  Come  an'  yank  meh,  come 
an'  yank  meh  " ;  like  ez  ef  it  spoke  Chinee 
itself. 

An'  I  says  ter  Crutch,  "  I  got  ter  do  it, 
Crutch ;  I  got  ter  do  it." 

"  Don't  do  no  sich  thing,"  he  begs,  a-turn- 

in'  pale,  an'  he  gits  up  ter  leave  de  place, 

when  he  sees  de  big  Chinee  arguin'  wid 

de  kid  an'  callin'  him  names  an'  de  kid  call- 

281 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

in'  him  names  back  agin,  like  kids  will,  an' 
de  big  Chinee  hits  de  kid  a  hit  on  de  ear, 
an'  de  kid  goes  away  a-cryin'  an'  a-sayin' 
something  ter  hisself . 

An'  Crutch  he  bends  over  an'  says  ter 
meh,  "  Maybe,  Mollbuzzer,  yer  could  git  de 
kid  ter  pull  de  Chinese's  pigtail  fer  ter  git 
even." 

"  Maybe  I  could,"  says  I ;  an'  I  calls  de 
kid  agin,  an'  I  gives  him  a  cent  an'  axes  him 
what  fer  de  big  Chinee  hit  him. 

"  He's  a  uncle  ef  mine,"  says  de  kid,  "  an' 
he  hits  meh  all  de  time  jist  fer  nothin'.  He 
hit  meh  ter-night  'cause  bizness  was  bad  an' 
he  hitted  meh  last  night  'cause  bizness  was 
good,  I  guess.  An'  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  stand 
it  no  longer ;  I'm  goin'  ter  run  away." 

"  Dat's  right,"  I  says ;  "  meh  an'  dis  gent 
here  '11  help  yer  ter  git  away." 

"  How  kin  yer  do  it?  "  axes  dat  kid,  him 
bein'  Chinee  an'  Amerikin  an'  bein'  twict 
ez  smart  ez  any  other  kid. 
282 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


"  Fll  throw  yer  out  ef  de  winder,"  I  says, 
"  an'  dis  gent  '11  stand  on  de  street  an'  ketch 
yer." 

"  Not  much,"  says  de  kid,  an'  he  goes 
away,  de  Chinee  uncle  a-callin'  him;  but 
ater  a  while  he  conies  back  agin,  an'  I  says 
ter  de  kid,  "  I'll  tell  yer  how  yer  kin  git 
away  from  here  easy.  Yer  pulls  de  big  Chi 
nese's  pigtail  an'  meh  an'  him " 

"  Not  much,  I  don't,"  says  de  kid,  turnin' 
white. 

"  I'll  do  it,  den,"  I  says,  "  an'  yer  kin  run 
out  ef  de  winder  an'  climb  down  de  fire- 
escape." 

"  Yer  kin  pull  it  first  an'  den  we'll  see 
aterwards,"  says  de  kid. 

So  I  goes  ter  de  winder  an'  flings  it  wide 
open  an'  yells  at  de  top  ef  meh  lungs,  an* 
all  de  Chineses  'cept  de  big  feller,  what  was 
too  fat  an'  too  lazy,  runs  to  de  winder  ter 
see  what  is  wrong,  an'  I  runs  back  an'  pulls 
dat  fat  Chinese's  pigtail  wid  all  meh  might 
283 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

an'  meh  main,  an'  he  screamed  out  like  a 
parrot  in  a  fire. 

"  Who's  right  now,  Crutch !  "  I  yelled  out, 
"  who's  right  now !  " 

An'  de  other  Chineses  runs  back  from  de 
winder  ter  see  what  went  wrong  wid  de  fat 
Chinee,  an'  de  kid  crawls  along  fer  de  fire- 
escape,  an'  Crutch  yells  out,  "  Go  it,  kid 
Chinee,  go  it ;  I  got  meh  money  on  de  Amer- 
ikin  part  ef  yer !  " 

An'  den  Mr.  Crutch  he  climbed  down  de 
fire-escape  ater  de  kid  like  ez  ef  he  wanted 
ter  ketch  him  an'  bring  him  back,  an'  de 
Chineses,  which  ain't  fools  even  ef  deir  skin 
is  yaller,  seen  what  was  up  an'  dey  light 
nings  out  ef  de  doors  an'  winders  ater  de 
kid. 

An'  I  seen  it  was  time  fer  meh  ter  be  a- 
movin',  too,  but  like  a  fool  I  stops  ter  give 
de  fat  feller's  pigtail  one  more  jerk  an'  he 
yells  holy  fire  and  Jerusalem,  an'  two  Chi 
neses  runs  back  an'  grabs  meh,  an'  afore  I 
284 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


knows  what  happened  de  whole  room  was 
filled  wid  Chineses  what  come  up  from  Chi- 
neetown  on  de  run  ter  see  what  de  trouble 
was,  fer  it  kind  ef  seems  dat  ef  one  man 
has  trouble  de  rest  ef  de  world  comes  ter 
look  at  him  ez  ef  he  berlonged  ter  a  circus. 
I  seen  all  dose  Chineses  an'  I  said  meh 
prayers. 

"  What  fer  does  yer  pull  his  pigtail?  " 
axes  one  Chinee  dat  speaks  English. 

"  'Count  ef  him  helpin'  de  kid  ter  git 
away,"  I  says. 

An'  de  Chinee  translated  what  I  said  ter 
de  other  Chineses  an'  dey  jabbers  an'  yells 
at  de  fat  Chinee,  an'  he  yells  an'  jabbers 
back  agin  till  I  seen  dere  was  trouble 
atween  'em  an'  dat  luck  had  put  meh  on  de 
right  track  ez  I  learned  aterwards;  for  de 
fat  Chinee  an'  de  others  had  a  fuss  in  de 
Chinee  restaurint  bizness  an'  de  fat  feller 
said  he  was  goin'  ter  take  de  kid  away ;  fer 
why  I  don't  know,  ner  never  learned.  An' 
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The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

what's  de  use  ef  learning  anyways,  ef  yer 
don't  care? 

"  I  seen  dat  fat  feller,  Sam  Lung,"  I  says, 
"  give  men  pardner  a  half  ef  a  dollar  ter 
open  de  winder  an'  let  de  kid  out." 

An'  dey  jabbers  some  more  an'  de  fat  Chi 
nee  whines  an'  jabbers  back  agin,  an'  a 
dozen  ef  'em  grabs  hold  ef  meh,  an'  I 
fought  dey  was  a-goin'  ter  turn  meh  inter 
a  bowl  ef  chop-suey  when  a  cop  come  along 
— which  was  one  ef  de  first  times  in  meh  life 
dat  I  was  glad  ter  see  a  cop. 

"  What's  all  dis  trouble  about?  "  he  axes. 

"  Only  'count  ef  a  little  Chinee  kid,"  I 
says. 

"  I  didn't  ax  you,"  he  says. 

"  But  dose  Chineses  can't  speak  English," 
I  says. 

"  Yer  kin  keep  still,"  he  says. 

"  Now,  you,  what's  up?  "  he  axes  ef  de 
Chinee  what  speaks  English. 

"  Dis  feller  here,"  he  says,  "  pulled  Sam 
286 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


Lung's  pigtail,  an'  his  pardner  runned  orff 
wid  our  Chinee  kid." 

"  Why  fer  did  yer  come  in  here  an'  pull 
dis  Chinee  gent's  pigtail  an'  raise  a  disturb- 
ince,  I'd  like  fer  ter  know?  "  axes  de  cop. 

An'  I  didn't  answer  an'  he  axes  meh  agin. 

"  Yer  tole  meh  ter  keep  still,"  I  says. 

"  I'll  keep  yer  still  fer  a  month,"  he  says, 
swingin'  his  club. 

"  Well,"  I  says,  "  I  pulled  his  pigtail  fer 
two  reasons,  de  first  bein'  'count  ef  a  dispute 
twixt  meh  pardner  an'  meh  dat  ef  yer  pulls 
a  Chinese's  pigtail  he  turns  green,  an'  I 
wanted  ter  see  how  a  green  Chinee  looks,  an' 
de  second  reason  bein'  dat  de  fat  Chinee 
give  meh  pardner  a  dollar  fer  ter  open  de 
winder  an'  ter  let  de  kid  run  away." 

"  Does  yer  expict  meh  ter  berlieve  dat?  " 
axes  de  cop. 

"  I'll  pull  his  pigtail  an'  yer  kin  see  fer 
yerself  dat  he  turns  green,"  I  says,  reachin' 
out  fer  de  fat  feller's  hair,  an'  he  yells  an' 
287 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

squeaks,  an'  de  cop  gives  meh  a  crack  wid 
de  club. 

"  I  don't  want  no  more  ef  yer  nonsense," 
he  says.  "  Where  did  dat  Chinee  kid  go?  " 

"  Down  de  fire-escape,"  I  says. 

"  An'  where  did  he  go  ater  dat?  "  axes  he. 

"  You'll  have  ter  ax  de  kid,"  I  says. 

"  I'm  goin'  ter  run  yer  in  fer  tryin'  ter  be 
too  fresh,"  says  de  cop,  grabbin'  meh. 

"  I  ain't  tryin'  ter  be  fresh,"  I  says,  "  but 
I  can't  tell  yer  what  I  don't  know." 

"  Where  did  yer  pardner  go?  "  he  axes. 

"  He  runned  ater  de  Chinee  kid  ter  bring 
him  back  here,"  I  says. 

"  Don't  tell  meh  none  ef  yer  lies,"  says 
de  cop,  rappin'  meh  wid  de  club.  "  WThat 
fer  did  yer  an'  him  kidnap  de  Chinee  kid 
fer?  " 

"We  didn't  kidnap  no  Chinee  kid,"  I 
says.  "  What  fer  would  we  do  dat?  " 

"  To  git  a  riward,"  he  says. 

"  Does  Chineses  give  riwards  de  same  ez 
288 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


white  folks?"  I  axes,  a-prayin'  dat  Crutch 
would  have  enuff  sense  ter  think  ef  dat. 

An'  de  cop  raps  meh  agin  wid  de  club  an' 
says,  "  None  ef  yer  blarney,  now ;  tell  ineh 
where  de  kid  an'  yer  pardner  went?  " 

"  Here  dey  is  right  now,"  I  says,  hearin' 
de  Chineses  yellin'  an'  squeakin'  on  de 
stairs,  an'  Crutch  McAllister  a-howlin'  an' 
a-yowlin'.  "  I  tole  yer  he  runned  away  fer 
ter  bring  de  kid  back." 

An'  dose  Chineses  conies  in  de  restaurint 
shovin'  an'  draggin'  Crutch  in,  an'  he  looked 
most  awful  tired  ef  life,  but  he  keeps  up  his 
nerve  an'  he  yells  out  ter  de  fat  Chinee : 

"  Sam  Lung,  set  up  de  chop-suey  an'  de 
hot  tea ;  I  brung  yer  Chinee  kid  back." 

An'  de  cop  he  laffs  an'  de  Chineses  dey 
grunts  an'  dey  squeaks,  an'  sure  enuff  a  big 
Chinee  feller  wid  a  long  pigtail  has  de  little 
Chinee  kid  by  de  arm;  an'  I  feels  sorry  ter 
see  de  kid  cryin'  an'  lookin'  so  white  an* 
skeered,  an'  I  knowed  he  would  git  it  most 
289 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

awful  from  Mr.  Sam  Lung  when  us  an'  de 
cop  was  gone. 

De  cop  grabs  Crutch  by  de  arm,  lettin' 
meh  go  an'  he  says,  "  Yer  de  one  what  kid 
napped  de  Chinee  kid,  eh?" 

"  Not  meh,"  says  Crutch,  "  I  runned  ater 
him  ter  bring  him  back.  Ax  de  kid  hisself 
ef  yer  don't  berlieve  meh." 

"  I'm  goin'  ter  run  yer  in,"  says  de  cop, 
«  fer " 

"  I  don't  care  fer  what  yer  runs  meh  in," 
says  Crutch,  "  only  run  meh  out  ef  de  way 
ef  dese  Chineses,  fer  dey  pinches  most  awful. 
I  heard  oncet  ez  Chineses  has  finger-nails 
like " 

"  I  don't  care  what  yer  heard,"  says  de 
cop ;  "  keep  still." 

An'  while  de  cop  an'  Crutch  was  a-havin' 
de  argument  about  de  finger-nails  ef  Chi 
neses,  I  leans  down  an'  whispers  ter  de  poor 
little  Chinee  kid  fer  which  I  feels  sorry : 

"  Kid,  de  door  is  open ;  git  ready  fer  ter 
290 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


run ; "  an'  I  up  an'  yanks  de  pigtail  ef  de 
Chinee  what  had  de  kid  by  de  arm  an'  he 
yells  an'  lets  de  kid  go,  thinkin'  ez  it  was 
him  dat  done  de  pullin',  an'  de  kid  he  flies 
down  de  stairs  like  a  yaller  streak,  an'  I 
stands  in  de  doorway  so  ez  de  Chineses  can't 
git  by  an'  I  yells,  "  Mr.  Cop,  see  fer  yerself 
ef  a  Chinee  don't  turn  green  when  his  pig 
tail  is  pulled." 

An'  de  cop  he  laffs  fust  an'  den  he  makes 
a  grab  fer  meh  aterwards,  but  de  Chineses 
blocks  de  way,  pushin'  an'  shovin'  atween 
him  an'  meh,  a-tryin'  ter  git  out  ater  de 
Chinee  kid. 

An'  Crutch  he  seed  his  chanct  an'  he 
makes  a  break  fer  de  dear  old  fire-escape 
oncet  more,  an'  de  cop  runs  fer  him,  an'  I 
kited  down  de  stairs  ater  de  kid  wid  all  dem 
Chineses  runnin'  ater  meh  ez  ef  de  Chinee 
wind  what  blows  at  night  was  a-carryin' 
'em  along.  An'  I  didn't  even  stop  ter  blow 
meh  nose;  I'm  a-tellin'  yose  I  jist  did  plain 
291 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

runnin'  an'  nothin'  more.  An'  de  best  Chi 
nee  runner  was  no  more'n  a  foot  behint  meh, 
an'  de  other  Chineses  only  a  foot  behint  him, 
an'  so  on  down  to  de  one  what  was  de  poor 
est  runner  in  de  lot.  It  must  'a'  looked 
like  a  Chinee  pigtail  behint  meh,  but  I 
didn't  turn  aroun'  ter  see, 

An'  de  prize  Chinee  runner  was  a-gettin* 
so  near  meh  I  could  feel  his  yaller  breath 
on  meh  back,  an'  I  was  a-sayin'  ter  mehself, 
"  Good-night  an'  good-by,"  when  I  seed  a 
hall  door  ef  a  buildin'  open,  an'  I  ducked  an' 
turned  in  lickety-split  an'  slammed  de  door 
an'  turned  de  key,  an'  den  I  tore  up  de  stairs 
to  de  first  floor,  an'  dere  was  a  winder  open 
an'  I  jumped  thru  it  on  ter  a  shed  berlow 
an'  from  dere  on  ter  de  ground.  An'  when 
I  gits  down  inter  de  yard  I'll  be  blowed  ef 
I  didn't  see  de  little  Chinee  kid  a-sittin'  on 
a  old  broken  chair  an'  smokin'  a  cigarette! 

"  How  come  yer  here?  "  I  hollered. 

"  Over  de  alley  fence,"  he  says. 
292 


-  .» 


- 


A  Tale  ef  a  Pigtail 


"  An'  I  come  thru  de  winder,"  I  says. 

"  De  fence  is  easier,"  he  says,  puffin'  his 
cigarette. 

"  I  didn't  have  no  time  ter  choose,"  I 
says.  "  An'  yer  must  have  a  lot  ef  time  ter 
spare  sittin'  dere  so  easy  an'  sniokin'.  Dem 
Chineses  '11  be  here  in  a  minute." 

"Which  way?"  he  axes,  standin'  up  an' 
throwin'  de  cigarette  down.  I  picks  it  up 
an'  takes  a  smoke  mehself  an'  answers : 

"  Same  way  ez  I  come — thru  de  winder. 
Look!  dere's  one  ef  'em  a-peekin'  now! " 

An'  I  lifted  de  kid  on  de  fence  an'  we 
jumps  inter  de  alley,  him  runnin'  one  way 
an'  meh  anudder,  an'  both  ef  us  gettin' 
away.  Only  poor  Crutch  he  got  nabbed  by 
de  cop  an'  sent  over  fer  a  month.  I  feels 
sorry  fer  Crutch,  but  he  had  de  right  ter 
pull  de  fat  Chinese's  pigtail  like  I  toled  him, 
an'  not  ter  dispute  meh  word  'bout  de  Chi 
neses  an'  deir  ways,  meh  havin'  read  de  his- 
tree  books. 

293 


XII 
DE  CHINEE  KIDAN'DEHAND-OKGAN 

Which  proves  dat  ef  yer  gits  yer  pay  ter- 
day  yer  won't  have  ter  sue  fer  it  ter-morrow. 

DE  mornin'  ater  meh  trouble  along  wid  de 
Chinee  kid  I  went  over  to  de  Star  ef  Hope 
agin,  thinkin'  ez  maybe  I  could  meet  Sam 
de  Scribe  an'  git  his  adwice  about  de  Chinee 
kid,  an'  sure  enuf  meh  fought  come  true. 
Sam  was  glad  ter  see  meh,  fer  he  borrowed 
a  dime  in  his  kingy  way,  an'  he  shook  meh  by 
de  hand  an'  called  meh  his  old  dear  friend. 

"  I  ain't  a  beggar  no  more,  Mollbuzzer," 
he  says  ter  meh  ater  a  while.  "  I'm  jist  a 
plain  substantial  man  ef  bizness,"  an'  he 
hands  meh  a  card  which  reads: 


SAMUEL  SAM    SAMUELS,   ESQ., 

Streetmen's  Supplies, 

Room  15.  1412  Canal  Street. 

294 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 


"  I'm  dealin'  in  hand-organs,  letter- 
writing  beggar  signs,  crutches,  locations, 
addresses,  pencils,  sign-writing  shoe-strings, 
an'  chewin'-gum,"  he  says. 

"  Want  a  partner?  "  I  axes. 

"  I  do,"  he  says;  "  how  much  money  yer 
got?" 

"A  dollar  an'  fifteen  cents,"  I  says, 
countin'. 

"  Meh  office  boy  is  got  dat  much,"  says  he. 

"  Den  why  didn't  yer  borrow  de  dime 
from  him?  "  I  axes. 

"  'Cause  I  didn't  have  de  heart  ter  leave 
him  wid  only  five  cents,"  he  says. 

"  Hm !  "  I  purrs  sarkastic,  an'  den  I  says, 
"  Sana,  I  kin  put  a  Chinee  kid  inter  de 
bizness,  too ;  which  orter  be  wuth  thousands 
ef  dollars."  An'  I  tells  Sam  de  story  ef 
de  Chinee  kid. 

"  None  ef  dat  in  meh  bizness,"  says  Sam ; 
"  dis  kidnappin'  may  be  honest  enuf,  but 
it's  too  blamed  risky  fer  me;  ef  yer  hap- 
295 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

pened  ter  git  ketched  it  means  hard  work 
ferlife!" 

"  I  know/'  I  says,  "  but  dis  kid  is  only 
half  Chinee " 

"Which  don't  make  no  diffrunce,"  he 
says;  "an  what  kin  yer  do  wid  a  Chinee 
kid  anyways,  Mollbuzzer?  " 

"I  don't  know  exactly,"  I  says,  "but 
maybe  de  Chinee  govermint  would  give  us 
a  perlitical  job." 

"  Yer  crazy,"  says  Sam.  "  But  maybe  we 
kin  put  de  kid  ter  good  use  ater  all.  I 
knows  a  Dago  beggar  here  by  de  name  ef 
Punchabelly  what  has  a  monkey  an'  a  hand- 
organ  which  he  is  anxious  ter  sell,  'count 
ef  him  goin'  inter  de  saloon  bizness,  and 
p'raps  we  kin  make  a  trade  wid  him." 

"  But  I  don't  want  dat  kid  licked  er 
hurt,"  I  says,  "  fer  he's  de  smartest  kid  dat 
ever  dere  was." 

"  He  kin  run  away  ef  he  likes,"  says  Sam, 
"  ater  we  gits  de  monkey  an'  de  organ." 
296 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

"  Come  ter  t'ink  ef  it,"  I  says,  "  we  might 
sell  de  kid  ter  J.  Pierpont  Morgan ! " 

"  Shut  up,"  says  Sam.  "  Mr.  J.  P.  Mor 
gan  has  somethin'  else  on  his  head  'sides 
Chinee  kids." 

"  I  know,"  I  says ;  "  but  J.  P.  Morgan 
wantin'  ter  build  a  railroad  in  Chinee,  he 
might " 

"  Yer  don't  know  no  more  'bout  bizness," 
says  Sam,  "  den  a  Dago's  hand-organ." 

Well,  accordin'  ter  Sam's  directions,  I 
went  an' 'got  de  kid  where  I  left  him,  an'  I 
brung  him  up  ter  Sam's  place  ef  bizness,  an7 
I  finds  de  Dago  Punchabelly  an'  de  monkey 
an'  de  hand-organ  a  waitin'.  An'  de  Dago 
showed  us  what  de  monkey  could  do  in 
tricks,  which  went  one  ahead  ef  California 
Cox's  dorg  Mike,  which  yer  might  have  seed 
on  de  street.  He  could  dance  on  his  hind 
legs,  an'  count  money,  an'  turn  ^;immersets. 
I  guess  he  could  shove  queer,  too. 

An'  Sam  he  tried  ter  put  up  de  good  pints 
297 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

ef  de  Chinee  kid  agin  de  good  pints  ef  de 
monkey,  fer  ter  show  de  Dago  what  a  fine 
trade  it  was,  which  de  Dago  couldn't  see, 
him  wantin'  cash  down  an'  no  kid  fer  his 
money. 

So  finerally  Sam  says,  "  I'll  tell  yer,  Mr. 
Dago,  yer  kin  rint  us  de  monkey  fer  five 
dollars  a  week,  an'  we  kin  send  him  an' 
de  Chinee  kid  an'  Mollbuzzer  out  on  de 
street  wid  de  organ  an'  diwide  what  we  gits, 
fer  it  stands  ter  reason  dat  a  Chinee  kid  an' 
a  monkey,  all  in  one,  will  pull  in  more  coin 
den  each  ef  us  separately  considered." 
Which  de  Dago  said  was  right. 

"  But  where  do  I  come  in?  "  I  axes. 

"Yer  kin  dress  up  like  a  Dago,"  says 
Sam,  "  an'  carry  de  organ !  " 

"  I  guess  not,"  I  says;  "  I  don't  want  ter 
be  no  Dago ;  I'm  an  Amerikin  an'  I'm  proud 
ef  it,"  which  made  de  Dago  mad,  an'  Sam 
mad,  too. 

"  Y'er  a  fool,  Mollbuzzer,"  says  Sam. 
298 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

"  Yer  kin  train  de  monkey  ter  draw  de 
organ  in  a  little  wagon,  an'  de  kid  ter  drive 
de  monkey,  an'  all  yer  got  ter  do  is  ter  turn 
de  handle,  which  ain't  no  work,"  an'  Sam 
winks,  so  I  knowed  he  had  somethin'  up  his 
sleeve  an'  I  didn't  say  no  more. 

Den  Punchabelly  signs  de  receipt  fer  de 
monkey  an'  de  contract  fer  de  rent,  both  ef 
which  Sam  writes  out,  an'  he  goes  orff 
grinnin'. 

"  Somethin'  is  wrong,  Sam,"  I  says;  "  dat 
Dago  is  too  easy  an'  too  quick  wid  his 
money." 

"  Don't  try  ter  learn  meh  my  bizness," 
says  Sam.  "  I  know  he  stole  de  monkey  from 
two  other  Dagos,  but  yer  stoled  de  Chinee 
kid.  I  know  de  law  ef  stolen  goods,  but 
what's  de  law  ef  it  can't  find  de  goods?  Fmi 
goin'  ter  put  de  Chinee  kid  an'  de  monkey 
in  a  big  box  an'  freight  'em  on  ter  a  friend 
ef  mine  in  New  York,  an' " 

"  I  ain't  a-goin'  in  no  box  wid  a  monkey," 
299 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

says  de  Chinee  kid,  which  I  didn't  know  was 
a  listenin'. 

"  It  'ill  be  very  nice  an'  warm,"  says  Sam. 

"  It's  warm  enuf  outside,"  says  de  kid, 
which  was  cute. 

"  Yer  won't  be  axed  anyways,"  says  Sam. 
"  Ef  yer  don't  behave  yerself,  I'll  take  yer 
back  ter  yer  Chinee  uncle,"  which  skeered 
de  kid,  an'  he  didn't  say  no  more. 

"Where  do  I  come  in  on  de  deal?"  I 
axed. 

"  Oh,"  says  Sam,  "  dat's  you  speakin',  is 
it,  Mollbuzzer?  I  fought  maybe  yer  lost 
yer  voice.  Allus  afreered  someone  might 
cheat  yer,  ain't  yer?  Well,  yer  needn't  have 
no  fears  ef  meh;  I'm  goin'  ter  New  York 
mehself  ater  de  kid  an'  de  monkey  gits  dere 
an'  I'll  send  yer  de  money  regular." 

"  But  why  don't  yer  take  de  kid  wid  yer 
on  de  train  den,  an'  ship  de  monkey  in  a 
box?  " 

"  Y'er  a  fool,"  says  Sam.  "  Serposing 
300 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

someone  sees  meh  at  de  depot  wid  de  kid 
an'  I  get  pinched?  An'  it's  cheaper  an'  it's 
safer  ter  send  him  by  freight  in  a  box." 

An'  I  says  all  right,  but  I  didn't  like  de 
idee  all  de  same  ef  Sam  an'  de  coin  an1  de 
monkey  an'  de  kid  bein'  in  New  York  an' 
meh  all  alone  in  Chicago. 

Den  Sam  he  goes  out  ter  git  de  box  an' 
he  leaves  meh  an'  de  kid  an'  de  monkey 
alone,  an'  I  tole  de  kid  not  ter  be  afreered, 
fer  I  would  git  him  out  ef  de  box  on  de  way 
ter  de  depot,  er  maybe  afore  den.  An'  I 
warned  him  not  ter  make  no  fuss,  'cause 
Sam  was  most  terribul  when  he  was  crossed, 
an'  he  might  tell  his  Chinee  uncle  an'  git 
meh  pinched  fer  kid-nappin'  an'  have  meh 
stuck  in  jail.  An'  we  waited  fer  Sam  ter 
git  back,  amusin'  ourselves  by  feedin'  de 
monkey  Sam?s  shoe-strings  an'  chewin'-gum. 

In  about  a  hour  Sam  he  comes  back  wid 
a  man  carryin'  a  box  ez  big  ez  a  coffin,  an* 
Sam  wants  ter  make  de  man  take  de  price  ef 
301 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

de  box  out  in  chewin'-gum  an'  shoe-strings, 
which  he  wouldn't  do,  an'  which  made  Sam 
mad.  "  Peepul  is  all  alike,"  he  says,  swear- 
in'  when  de  man  was  gone,  "  all  ef  'em  look- 
in'  fer  de  best  ef  it,  an'  only;  carin'  fer  de 
money  what  dey  kin  cheat  yer  out  ef.  It 
makes  meh  sick.  But  it's  a  nice  box  any 
ways,  Mollbuzzer;  yer  kin  see  it's  got  little 
holes  fer  de  monkey  an'  de  kid  ter  blow  deir 
breath  thru,  an'  dere's  one  place  fer  de  mon 
key  an'  anuder  fer  de  kid,  an'  a  place  ter 
put  in  a  loaf  ef  bread  an'  a  bottle  ef  water 
an'  two  nails  on  de  bottom  ter  stick  candles 
in  so  de  kid  kin  see  when  it's  dark." 

"  I  know,"  I  says,  "  but  de  kid  might  roll 
on  de  nails  ef  de  car  bumps." 

"  He'll  roll  orff  quick  enuff,"  says  Sain. 
"  I  knows  what  I'm  about." 

So  he  coaxes  de  kid  ter  git  inside  ef  de 

box  ter  see  ef  he  fits,  an'  he  lifts  de  monkey 

in.     De  monkey  fits  nice  an'  tight,  but  de 

place  fer  de  kid  was  a  inch  er  two  too  short. 

302 


De  Chiiiee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

"  I  fought  yer  knowed  yer  bizness,  Sam," 
I  says. 

"  Can't  yer  keep  still,"  says  Sain.  "  De 
kid  kin  pull  one  leg  under  him ;  it's  only  fer 
a  day  er  two." 

"  When  are  yer  goin'  ter  put  'em  in?  "  I 
axes. 

"  Right  away,"  he  says,  "  in  time  fer  de 
next  train." 

An'  he  gits  de  cover  an'  starts  ter  nail 
it  on  when  de  Chinee  kid  sets  up  a  awful 
yell,  an'  Sam  rips  orff  de  cover  ter  see  what 
was  wrong.  "  De  monkey  gits  out  ef  his 
place  an'  scratched  meh,"  says  de  kid. 

"  All  dat  fuss  over  a  scratch,"  grumbles 
Sam.  "  Why  don't  yer  scratch  him  back? 
Yer  musn't  make  no  noise  er  de  railroad 
peepul  'ill  put  yer  in  jail." 

"  Ship  de  kid  an'  carry  de  monkey  wid 
yer,"  I  says. 

"  I  don't  travel  aroun'  wid  no  monkeys," 
says  Sam. 

303 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Gettin'  toney  in  yer  old  age,"  I  says. 

"  Don't  bother  meh,"  he  says.  "  Jist  git 
hold  ef  dat  monkey  an'  tie  up  his  hind  legs." 

"  You  ketch  hold  ef  de  monkey,"  I  says, 
"  an'  I'll  tie  up  de  hind  legs." 

"You  coward,  you,"  he  yells,  grabbin' 
de  monkey  an'  lettin'  go  in  a  hurry. 

"Why  didn't  yer  scratch  him  back?"  I 
axed. 

"  I  ain't  got  time  ter  bother  'round,"  he 
says,  tyin'  a  rag  on  his  hand. 

An'  finerly  we  grabs  de  monkey  all  ter- 
gither,  each  takin'  one  leg  an'  meh  takin' 
two,  an'  we  got  him  so  twisted  up  in  rope 
dat  dere  was  more  rope  en  monkey.  Den 
we  tries  ter  git  him  back  in  his  place  in 
de  box,  but  he  wouldn't  fit  'count  ef  de 
rope.  "  Shove  him  in  anyways,"  says  Sam ; 
"  he'll  fit  ater  a  while ;  "  an'  we  jammed  him 
in. 

"  Better  git  a  cocoanut  ter  feed  de  mon 
key  on,"  I  says. 

304 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

"  He'll  feed  on  what  he  gits,"  says  Sam ; 
"  he  ain't  in  Texas  where  de  cocoanuts 
grow." 

"  Cocoanuts  don't  grow  in  Texas,"  I  says, 
"  but  in  Chinee." 

"  Shut  up,"  hollers  Sam ;  "  dis  ain't  no 
class  in  histree." 

Den  he  gits  his  hammer  an'  he  nails  de 
cover  on  tight,  an'  I  axed  him,  "  Serposin' 
a  nail  went  inter  de  kid  er  de  monkey?  " 

"  Dey  can  tell  us  ef  it  did  when  dey  gits 
ter  New  York,"  he  says ;  "  dat's  time  enuf." 

Den  Sam  he  takes  his  brush  an'  paints  on 
de  box  in  big  letters :  "  Glass.  Eight  side 
up.  With  care." 

"  It  ain't  glass ;  it's  Chinee,"  I  says  fer  a 
joke,  but  Sam  he  didn't  see  de  joke,  an'  he 
tells  meh  ter  mind  meh  own  bizness,  which 
I  done;  but  he  orter  seen  de  joke  anyways, 
eh? 

Den  Sam  he  says,  "  Mollbuzzer,  yer  kin 
stay  here  a  bit.  I  got  ter  go  an'  see  ter  some 
305 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

bizness  an'  git  a  expressman  ter  haul  de 
box  ter  de  depot," 

"  De  monkey  could  carry  it  over  an'  save 
de  coin,"  I  says. 

"  Y'er  a  fool,"  says  Sam,  goin'  orff. 

An'  I  locked  de  door  when  Sam  was  gone, 
an'  I  yanked  de  cover  orff  de  box  wid  a 
hammer  an'  a  chisel,  an'  I  pulled  de  kid  an' 
de  monkey  out,  both  ef  'em  more  dead  en 
alive ;  so  I  shook  de  Chinee  kid  by  de  shoul 
ders  ter  bring  his  blood  ter  his  brain  an' 
wake  him  up,  an'  I  put  de  monkey  in  a  pail 
ef  cold  water,  which  made  him  jump  ter  git 
out  agin,  so  he  was  all  right  agin.  Dere's 
nothin'  like  knowin'  a  bit  ef  medicine,  fer 
yer  never  knows  when  it's  comin'  in  handy. 
Boilin'  hot  water  is  still  better,  but  dere 
was  none  handy,  so  I  had  ter  take  de  cold, 
but  it  done  ez  well  anyways. 

An'  I  tied  de  rope  ter  de  collar  on  de  mon 
key's  neck,  an'  I  says  ter  de  kid,  "  Take  dat 
monkey  an'  run  fer  yer  life  ter  de  fisher- 
306 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

man's  hut  by  de  lake,  where  I  toled  yer,  an' 
don't  stop  ter  play  none,  er  Sam  er  de  Chi- 
neses  'ill  git  yer  sure." 

"  I  don't  know,"  says  de  Chinee  kid,  "  but 
it's  nicer  in  de  box;  I'm  tired  ef  runninV 

"  Dat's  all  de  thanks  I  git,"  I  says.  "  Ef 
yer  don't  so  ez  I  say  I'll  learn  yer  de  what 
ef  de  what" 

So  de  kid  an'  de  monkey  runned  out  an' 
I  put  de  door-weight  an'  a  lot  ef  old  iron  in 
de  box  an?  stuffed  newspaper  in,  an'  ham 
mered  de  cover  on  agin.  Den  I  lighted  meh 
pipe  an'  waited  fer  Sam  ter  git  back. 

Sam  come  back  soon  wid  de  expressman, 
which  he  wanted  ter  take  his  pay  wid  a 
second-hand  organ  fer  carryin'  de  box,  but 
which  de  expressman  wouldn't  take,  him 
sayin'  de  organ  was  no  good  ter  him,  an' 
Sam  sayin'  he  was  a  fool  not  ter  know  a 
bargain.  He  had  ter  give  de  expressman 
a  dollar,  which  he  done  wid  de  deepest  an* 
de  longest  sigh  ever  I  heard. 
307 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Somethin'  hurtin'  yer,  Sam?"  I  axed. 

"  Somethin'  'ill  hurt  you  in  a  minute,"  he 
says,  "  unless  yer  grab  hold  ef  de  box  an* 
help  us  carry  it  out  ter  de  wagon." 

"  Might  roll  it  down  de  stairs,"  I  says. 

"  An'  yer  ater  it,"  he  says,  bendin'  down 
an'  grabbin'  his  end.  A  puzzled  look  come 
over  hjs1  face,  an'  he  whispers  ter  meh, 
"  Mollbuzzer,  somethin'  is  wrong ;  de  box 
weighs  too  heavy,  it  seems  ter  meh." 

"  Maybe  de  monkey  an'  de  kid  swelled 
up,"  I  says  real  loud,  so  ez  de  expressman 
could  hear. 

"  Yer  foolish  inside  yer  head,"  yells  Sam, 
turnin'  red  wid  madness. 

An'  when  we  got  inter  de  street  an'  was 
a-shovin'  de  box  onter  de  wagon,  Sam  he 
turns  white  an'  he  yells,  "  Where's  de  let 
ters  gone?  " 

"  Dere  was  no  letters  inside  de  box,"  I 
says,  "  but  only  de  mon " 

"  I'll  hammer  yer,"  he  says.  "  Who  ever 
308 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

heard  ef  letters  on  de  inside  ef  a  box?  I 
mean  de  letters  I  put  on  de  outside — <  Right 
side  up.  Han '  " 

It  was  meh  turned  pale  dis  time,  fer  I  seed 
dat  in  meh  hurry  dat  I  nailed  de  cover  back 
de  wrong  way. 

"  Y'er  been  up  teryer  tricks,"  hollers  Sam. 

"  Maybe  de  kid,"  I  says,  "  knowin'  Chinee 
magic,  changed " 

"  I  got  enuf  ef  yer,"  screams  Sam,  reach- 
in'  out  fer  meh  collar-button,  an'  I  dodged 
an'  runned,  fer  I  didn't  like  ter  be  seen 
fightin'  on  de  street.  Sam  toled  meh  his- 
self  aterwards  dat  he  had  a  most  terribul 
time  tryin'  ter  git  his  good,  round,  beautiful 
dollar  back  from  de  expressman,  which  was 
a  lesson  he  said  ter  allus  git  yer  pay  in 
adwance  an'  never  ter  pay  in  adwance  yer- 
self.  Sich  is  de  selfishness  ef  man. 

I  runned  a  whole  block,  doubled  down  a 
alley,  an'  den  turned  mehself  around  twict 
fer  luck  an'  come  out  on  de  street  agin.  An* 
309 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

I  was  makin'  fer  de  fisherman's  hut,  hopin' 
ter  find  de  Chinee  kid  an'  de  monkey  dere, 
when  I  seen  a  crowd  on  de  corner  an'  I 
stopped  ter  see  what  was  up.  What  was  up 
was  de  Chinee  kid  pullin'  on  de  rope  an' 
de  monkey  up  on  his  hind  legs  doin'  a  Dago 
highland  fling.  I  pushed  meh  way  thru  de 
crowd  an'  jerked  de  kid  by  de  ear. 

"  Didn't  I  tell  yer  ter  run  on  ter  de  fish 
erman's  hut  an'  not  ter  stop  an'  play  'round 
none? "  I  axes. 

An'  a  big  feller  in  de  crowd  hit  meh  a 
crack  an'  says,  "  What  fer  is  yer  troublin' 
dat  kid?  Why  don't  yer  hit  someone  yer 
size?  " 

"  You  grow  down  a  bit  an'  I  will,"  I 
says. 

An'  while  I  was  a-arguin'  wid  de  man  an' 
tryin'  ter  git  hold  ef  de  Chinee  kid,  an'  while 
he  was  tryin'  ter  git  hold  ef  de  monkey, 
which  got  away  when  I  pulled  his  ear,  a 
whole  crowd  of  Dagos  comes  along,  an'  two 
310 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

ef  'em  yells  an'  jabbers,  "  Dere's  our  mon 
key  dat  was  stolen  from  us,"  an'  dey  tries 
ter  grab  de  monkey  away  from  de  kid.  An' 
I  held  one  ef  'em  back,  de  biggest,  fer  which 
I'm  still  sorry  'count  ef  de  long  scar  over 
meh  right  eye,  but  de  same  feller  what 
wanted  ter  hit  meh  fer  hittin'  de -Chinee  kid 
yells  out : 

"  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  stand  by  an'  see  a 
monkey  taken  away  from  a  kid  by  a  Dago/ 
no,  I  ain't,"  fer  which  de  other  Dagos  licked 
him,  which  served  him  right  fer  lickin'  meh. 
Den'  accordin'  ter  de  rules  ef  luck,  ter  make 
bad  things  worser,  free  Chineses  comes 
along  an'  seein'  de  kid  dey  squeaks  in  Chinee 
an'  tries  ter  grab  him;  an'  de  Dagos,  t'ink- 
in'  de  Chineses  wanted  ter  take  deir  mon 
key  an'  de  Chineses  thinkin'  de  Dagos 
wanted  ter  take  deir  kid,  dey  goes  fer  each 
other  mighty  lively,  but  de  Chineses  gits  de 
worst  ef  it  'count  ef  deir  pigtails  bein'  in  de 
way ;  an'  de  monkey  gits  away  an'  climbs  up 
311 


rn 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

a  telergraph  pole  an'  sits  still  on  de  top  an' 
laffs. 

An'  de  crowd  hollers  an'  laffs  ez  ef  it  was 
a  fire  an'  deir  relatives'  money  was  a-burn- 
in'  up,  an'  a  couple  ef  cops  comes  along,  an' 
one  ef  'em  ketches  de  Chineses  an'  de  other 
one  ketches  de  Dagos,  an'  I  ketches  de  Chi 
nee  kid,  him  try  in'  ter  pull  de  monkey  orff 
de  telergraph  pole  by  de  rope,  which  might 
'a'  broke  his  neck.  Den  Samuel  S.  Samuels, 
Esq.,  comes  along  wid  de  Dago  Punchabelly 
from  which  we  rinted  de  monkey  an'  de  or 
gan,  an'  Sam  puffs  out  his  chest  an'  puts 
his  nose  in  de  air  like  when  he  was  king,  an' 
he  says : 

"  Arrist  'em  all,  orficer,  arrist  every  one  ef 
'era ;  dey  stole  meh  monkey  an'  Chinese  kid." 

An'  when  de  two  Dagos  seen  Sam's 
friend,  Punchabelly,  dey  gits  away  from 
de  cop  ter  pay  deir  humble  respects  ter  him 
fer  stealin'  deir  monkey,  an'  de  Chineses 
grunts  an'  squeaks,  finking  de  fuss  was 
312 


come  yer  here  ?'  I  hollered" 


De  Chinee  Kid  an'  de  Hand-Organ 

over  de  kid.  Sich  a  mix-up  I  never  seen  in 
all  meh  life.  An'  dose  cops  lets  deir  clubs 
fly  like  ez  ef  de  two  ef  'em  was  twenty,  an* 
one  ef  'em  hit  meh  rudely  on  de  head,  de 
reason  fer  which  is  a  puzzle  ter  meh  even 
ter-day.  An'  de  Dagos  an'  de  Chineses  an' 
meh  an'  Sam  all  starts  ter  explain  at  oncet, 
but  de  cops  say  dat  dey  don't  speak  all  lang- 
widges,  an'  dey  calls  de  patrol  an'  puts  us 
all  in  de  wagon.  Sam  got  a  extree  whack 
fer  bein'  too  perticuler  an'  objectin'  ter 
sittin'  next  ter  de  Chineses.  De  monkey  was 
de  only  one  what  seen  de  joke,  fer  it  laffed 
all  de  way  ter  jail. 


313 


XIII 
LAW  AN'   LIES 

Showin'  why  a  lie  is  a  sin  in  court,  ef  de 
laivyer  fer  de  other  side  knows  his  bizness. 

IT  must  have  been  a  kind  ef  a  circus  fer 
de  jidge  in  de  perlice  court  de  next  mornin' 
when  de  cops  brung  meh  an'  Sam  an'  de 
Chineses  an'  de  kid  an'  de  monkey  an'  de 
Dagos  an'  de  two  interpetators  inter  his 
presence.  An'  de  fat  Chinee  uncle  comes 
in  ter  look  on.  De  interpetators,  one  ef 
which  speaks  Eyetalian  an'  English  an'  de 
other  speakin'  Chinee  an'  English,  was  fer 
ter  mix  de  poor  jidge  up  an'  fer  nothin'  else 
ez  I  could  see. 

De  jidge  calls  one  ef  de  Dagos  on  de  stand 
fust,  wantin'  ter  save  de  hardest  part  fer 
de  last,  I  s'pose ;  an'  dat  Dago  talks  fer  most 
a  hour,  shakin'  his  head  an'  throwin'  his 
hands  over  his  breast  an'  standin'  up  an* 
stampin'  his  foot,  jist  like  a  actor. 
314 


Law  an'  Lies 


"  He's  talked  enuf  now,"  says  de  jidge  ter 
de  interpetator,  "  most  a  hour.  Tell  him  ter 
stop.  An'  yer  kin  transerlate  what  he 
said." 

"  Please,  yer  honor,"  says  de  interpetator, 
"  all  he  says  was  dat  de  monkey  was  hisn." 

"  Is  dat  all !  "  yells  de  jedge;  "  I  s'pose  de 
other  Dagos  will  take  a  other  hour  ter  say  de 
monkey  is  deirs.  I  ain't  a-goin'  ter  have  no 
more  ef  dis ;  it's  a  contimpt  ef  court  wastin' 
meh  time  dis  way.  Dere's  too  much 
monkey  bizness  'bout  it,"  he  says. 

Den  he  calls  Sam  de  Scribe  on  ter  de 
stand  an'  he  axes  him,  "  Yer  speaks  English, 
don't  yer?  " 

"  Yer  kin  bet,"  says  Sam,  "  like  a  native 
ef  England.  'Sides  I  kin  understand 
Eyetalian  an'  Chinee,  even  ef  I  can't  speak 
neither  ef  'em.  Chinee  ain't  so  hard  ter 
learn  ef  yer  has  lived  in  Chinee  an' " 

"  Never  mind  'bout  dat,"  says  his  honor- 
ables,  "  go  on !  " 

315 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Please  yer  honor,"  says  Sam,  "  de  Dago 
interpetator  lied,  fer  de  Dago  said  ez  de 
monkey  wasn't  hisn  an'  he  hoped  ez  dis 
court  would  be  easy  on  him  fer  breakin'  de 
law  an7  tryin'  ter  steal  de  animul  from  meh 
friend  Mr.  Punchabelly." 

"  It's  a  lie,"  yells  out  de  Dago  interpe 
tator. 

"  I'll  fine  yer  twinty  dollars'  wuth  ef  con- 
timpt  ef  court,"  says  de  jedge  ter  de  inter 
petator,  "  an'  we'll  have  no  more  ef  dis.  I 
fought  it  didn't  take  de  Dago  no  hour  ter 
say  only  dat  de  monkey  wasn't  hisn.  Now 
go  on  wid  yer  story,"  he  says  ter  Sam,  "  yer 
seems  ter  be  de  only  intellegint  gent  here." 

"  I'm  here  too,  yer  honor,"  I  yells,  not 
wantin'  Sam  ter  git  de  swell  head ;  an'  every 
body  laffs  'cept  Sain,  who  was  mad. 

"  Well,"  says  Sam,  "  I  kin  tell  yer  de 
whole  story  in  a  few  words.  Meh  Eyetalian 
friend  Mr.  Punchabelly " 

"  Ponchielli !  Meh  name  no  Puncha- 
316 


Law  an*  Lies 


belly,"  yells  out  de  Dago,  him  bein'  ez  per- 
ticuler  ez  a  white  man  'bout  his  name. 

"  Yer  kin  keep  still,"  says  his  honorables. 
"  Ponchielli  er  Punchabelly  is  all  one  to  de 
law." 

"  Anyways,"  goes  on  Sam,  "  he  buys  de 
monkey  from  dose  two  other  Dagos  an'  pays 
'em  fifty  dollars  ef  good  Yankee  Doodle 
money,  an'  den  dese  other  two  Dagos  goes 
orff  an'  fixes  it  atween  'em  ter  steal  de 
monkey  back  an'  ter  git  another  fifty  dollars 
fer  sellin'  'em  over  oncet  agin." 

"  How  does  yer  know  it,"  axes  de  jedge, 
"  ef  yer  wasn't  dere  ter  hear  it?  " 

"  I  knows  it,"  says  Sam,  "  'cause  dese  two 
Dagos  comes  ter  meh  an'  axes  meh  would  I 
take  ten  dollars  ter  swear  in  court  dat 
Punchabelly " 

"  Ponchielli,"  yells  de  Dago. 

"  Shut  up,"  yells  de  jedge.  v 

<(  Well,"  continoos  Sam,  "  ter  swear  dat 
he  stoled  de  monkey." 
317 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

I'd  like  ter  see  anybody  in  dis  world 
beat  Sam  ez  a  witness  fer  hisself;  I  was 
mighty  proud  ter  know  him  den  an'  I  yells 
out :  "  Good  fer  yer,  Sam !  dat's  de  way  ter 
tell  'em." 

"  Orficer,"  yells  his  honorables,  poundin' 
on  his  desk,  "  keep  dose  rascals  quiet." 

"  Now,"  axes  de  jidge  ter  Sam,  "  how 
comes  it  den  dat  yer  claims  de  monkey  an' 
de  Chinee  kid  fer  yer  own?  " 

"  'Cause,"  says  Sam,  "  Mr.  Punch — Mr. 
Puncha — well,  Mr.  Punch — he  sold  de 
monkey  ter  meh  a  ter  wards  fer  twinty  dol 
lars,  him  wantin'  ter  go  in  de  saloon  bizness 
an'  quit  de  monkey  bizness.  Yer  knows, 
yer  honor,  how  dese  fureigners  is,  dey  gits 
de  swell-head  ater  a  while  an' " 

"  Never  mind  'bout  dat,"  says  his  honor 
ables.  "  What  I  want  ter  know  is  what  re 
lation  is  de  Chinee  kid  ter  de  monkey? 
What  has  dey  got  ter  do  wid  each  other  in 
dis  case?  " 

318 


Law  an'  Lies 


"  A  whole  lot,"  says  Sain,  clearin'  his 
throat  fer  a  real  big  one,  "  de  Chinee  kid  is 
half  Ejetalian  an'  half  Chinee,  an'  Mr. 
Punch — Punch  bein'  fer  short — Mr.  Punch- 
abelly  here  is  his  father,  an'  he  wanted  meh 
ter  take  de  kid  wid  de  monkey,  'count  ef  dem 
two  bein'  so  fond  ef  each  other  dat  dey 
would  die  ef  dey  was  seperated." 

"  It  sounds  kind  ef  funny,"  says  de  jidge. 

"  Don't  it  tho'  ?  "  says  Sam,  mighty  proud 
ef  hisself. 

An'  den  Mr.  Punchabelly,  havin'  whis 
pered  ter  de  interpetator,  yells  out,  "It  ain't 
so ;  I  ain't  de  father  ef  no  Chinee  kid,  an'  I 
ain't  a-goin'  ter  be." 

"  What  did  I  tell  yer,  yer  honor?  "  says 
Sam  quick,  "  dese  fureigners  all  gits  de 
swell  head." 

Den  de  jidge  raps  his  desk  hard  an'  says 

we  was  de  worst  lot  ever  he  seen,  an'  dat  he 

was  a-gettin'  so  mixed  up  he  didn't  know  de 

Chinee  kid  from  de  monkey,  er  who  was  de 

319 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

father  ef  de  kid  er  who  was  de  father  ef  de 
monkey,  an'  I  feels  like  tellin'  him  Sam  was 
de  father  ef  de  monkey,  but  I  didn't  dare, 
more  'count  ef  de  jedge  den  Sam. 

Den  his  honorables  calls  meh  onter  de 
stand  an'  tells  meh  ter  say  all  I  knows 
'bout  de  case  an'  say  it  quick. 

"  Please,  yer  honor,"  I  says,  "  what'si  de 
hurry  'bout?  " 

"  I'm  a-runnin'  dis  court,"  says  he,  "  an' 
ef  I  gits  eny  more  ef  yer  impudince  I'll  sind 
yer  ter  de  bridewell  fer  a  year,"  which  ri- 
mark  made  me  ter  be  careful  what  I  said. 

"  Now  den,"  says  de  jidge  ter  meh,  "  seein' 
yer  claims  de  Chinee  kid  an'  de  monkey  fer 
yer  own,  yer  kin  tell  de  court  how  yer  come 
by  'em?  " 

"  Let  meh  t'ink  a  minute,"  I  says,  wantin' 
ter  tell  a  bigger  one  en  Sam. 

"  I'll  send  yer  where  yer  kin  do  nothin' 
but  t'ink  fer  a  year,"  says  de  jedge. 

"  I  know  now,"  I  says :  "  dis  gent  here, 
320 


Law  an*  Lies 


Mr.  Sammy  S.  Samuels,  Esq.,  brung  de 
monkey  an'  de  Chinee  kid  inter  meh  an* 
says,  '  Mr.  Mollbuzzer,  ef  yer  put  dis  Chi 
nee  kid  an'  de  monkey  in  a  box  an'  freights 
'em  ter  New  York,  I'll  give  'em  both  ter  yer 
when  I  reaches  New  York  an'  gets  'em  fer 
mehself.'  See?" 

"  See !  I  should  say  I  don't  see,"  says  his 
honorables,  a-holdin'  ef  his  head. 

"  I  didn't  see  either,"  I  says,  "  so  I  took  de 
kid  an'  de  monkey  out  ef  de  box,  when  Mr. 
Sammy  went  out  fer  de  express  man,  an'  I 
puts  some  lumps  ef  iron  in  deir  stead.  An' 
I  kin  prove  it  by  bringin'  de  box  an'  de  ex 
press  man  here." 

"  Yer  can't,"  yells  Sam,  "  it's  a  lie  !  " 

"  Yer  did  too  put  meh  in  a  box,"  y ellsde  kid. 

"  Good  fer  yer,  kid,"  I  yells,  "  allus  speak 
de  truth." 

"  Silence !  "  hollers  de  jedge,  "  er  I'll  go 
crazy  an'  have  de  whole  gang  ef  youse  put  in 
jail,"  which  remark  shows  what  justice  is. 
321 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

Ef  de  jedge  goes  crazy  he  wants  ter  sind  de 
prisoners  ter  jail.  What  kind  ef  a  world 
is  dis,  eh? 

"  I  kin  stand  goin'  ter  jail  ef  Sammy  S. 
Samuels  kin,"  I  says. 

An'  de  jedge  seems  terribul  mad,  lookin' 
all  ef  fifty  dollars'  wuth  ef  contimpt  ef  court, 
which  skeered  meh,  an'  den  he  kind  ef  laffs 
ter  hisself. 

Den  his  honorables  tells  de  kid  ter  tell 
what  he  knows,  an'  de  kid  says  ez  I  was  his 
father  an'  dat  he  berlongs  ter  meh  an'  ter  no 
one  else,  which  makes  de  jedge  feel  ef  his 
head  agin,  an'  de  Chineses  grunts  an' 
squeals,  'specially  de  old  fat  Chinee  uncle; 
an'  den  de  Chinee  interpetator  yells  out  fer 
a  hearin',  an'  de  jedge  yells  out  fer  silence, 
an'  when  it  was  still  agin  I  pipes  out : 

"  Keep  quiet  all  ef  youse  an'  don't  mix  de 
jedge  up,"  fer  sayin'  which  de  jedge  scolds 
meh  hard,  which  was  all  de  thanks  I  got  fer 
try  in'  ter  help. 

322 


Law  an'  Lies 


Den  his  honorables  axes  a  Chinee  ter  git 
on  de  stand,  tellin'  de  Chinee  interpetator 
ter  warn  him  not  ter  take  ten  hours  ef  Chi 
nee  time  fer  an  Ainerikin  minute.  An'  de 
Chinee  goes  onter  de  stand  an'  I  leans  over 
an'  whispers  ter  de  interpetator,  "  Tell  him 
ter  give  us  none  ef  his  Chinee  lies." 

An'  when  de  Chinee  was  thru  de  interpe 
tator  says  dat  de  kid  berlongs  ter  de  Chinee 
restaurint  company  on  Clark  street,  under- 
standin'  which  de  fat  old  uncle  sets  up  a 
howl  an'  a  squeak  an'  bergins  ter  cry  an'  de 
jedge  axes  what  de  matter  was,  an'  den 
anuder  Chinee  what  speaks  English  goes 
onter  de  stand  an'  says  it  was  all  a  lie, 
claimin'  dat  de  kid  was  kidnaped  from  his 
home  on  Clark  street,  an'  dat  I  was  de  man 
what  done  it,  an'  dat  his  father  bein'  dead 
dat  de  kid  was  de  lergitimate  son  ef  his  fat 
uncle  an'  not  no  son  ef  a  restaurint;  all  ef 
which  makes  de  poor  old  jedge  hold  his  head 
tight  wid  both  hands  an'  ax : 
323 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  What  has  all  dis  got  ter  do  wid  de 
monkey?  " 

"  Dat's  what  I'd  like  ter  know,"  I  says, 
but  dere  was  so  much  noise  in  de  room  dat 
de  jedge  didn't  hear  meh,  which  maybe  was 
lucky.  Dere  orter  be  more  quiet  in  our 
Amerikin  court-rooms,  an'  not  so  free  an* 
easy,  eh? 

"  I  can't  make  head  ner  tails  out  ef  dis 
case,"  says  his  honorables,  "  an'  de  more  ef 
youse  I  hears  de  more  I  gets  mixedup  in  meh 
head.  Dis  is  de  most  mixed  up  case  dat  was 
ever  brung  afore  dis  court;  an'  de  best  thing 
I  kin  do,  so  far  ez  I  kin  see,  is  ter  send  de 
Chinee  kid  ter  De  Home  Per  Orphuns, 
where  he  will  be  in  good  inflooenze,  an'  ter 
give  de  monkey  ter  de  Linkin  park  manag- 
eree,  where  he  will  be  proper  fed  an'  clothed. 
'An'  ef  any  ef  youse  riots  on  de  street  agin  er 
has  any  more  quarrels  atween  yersilves  I'll 
learn  yer  what  fer,  I  will.  Case  dismissed. 
Next ! "  he  yells,  ez  ef  he  was  a  barber  an1 
324 


Law  an'  Lies 


not  a  jidge,  which  ain't  digneefied,  like  it 
orter  be. 

An'  I  says  good-by  ter  de  Chinee  Ipd  an' 
gives  him  a  cent  by  which  ter  rimember  meh 
by,  an'  tells  him  not  ter  feel  bad  'cause  de 
orphun  asylum  ain't  near  so  bad  ez  de  jail, 
an'  dat  it  wasn't  no  disgrace  ter  be  sent 
dere  ef  yer  didn't  happen  ter  have  a  father 
an'  a  mother  alive.  An  de  kid  axes  meh  ter 
coax  de  jidge  ter  let  him  take  de  monkey 
along  fer  companee,  but  I  toled  de  kid  de 
Orphun's  Home  wasn't  fer  animuls,  but  fer 
humans,  an'  I  didn't  dare  ter  ax  de  jidge 
fer  nothin'  else,  havin'  said  plenty  fer  a  little 
while. 

An'  when  we  was  out  in  de  street  I  says 
ter  Sam,  "  We  was  lucky,  wasn't  we?  " 

"  Lucky !  "  he  says.  "  Mollbuzzer,  I  got 
de  notion  ter  punch  yer  stupid  head  orff. 
I  don't  see  where  no  luck  comes  in.  We're 
out  de  kid  an'  de  monkey.  Ef  yer  had  eny 
sense  an'  a-minded  meh,  de  kid  an'  de 
386 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

monkey  would  be  in  New  York  ter-day,  half 
yourn  an'  half  mine.  Now  none  ef  us  gits 
nothing"  he  howls. 

"  Which  is  lucky  anyways,"  I  says, 
"  'cause  we  might  each  'a'  got  a  couple  ef 
years  apiece." 


326 


XIV 

I   TAKES  A  TRY  AT   POLERTICS 

In  ichich  I  says,  "  Noic,  dear  reader,  fare 
well;  be  good  an'  live  happy  ever  aterwards." 

WELL,  Mr.  Anterpolergist,  yer  kin  foller 
meh  on  a  piece  an'  git  wise,  an'  de  further 
yer  follers  meh  de  wiser  will  yer  git.  I'm 
goin?  ter  let  yer  inter  de  secrit  ef  Anierikin 
polerties,  an7  yer  kin  learn  more  about  'em 
from  what  I'm  a-writin'  down  here  den  out  ef 
dat  little  Hebrew  book  'bout  Moses,  which 
I  wanted  ter  sell  yer  an'  which  yer  wouldn't 
buy  from  meh. 

I  was  only  in  polertics  oncet  fer  a  few 
weeks,  an'  it  happened  by  accident,  which, 
dey  say,  is  de  same  way  prisidents  ef  dis 
United  States  happens,  an'  maybe  ef  I  kep 
on  I  might  have  been  prisident.  Who 
knows?  However,  I  don't  know  ez  ef  I 
would  take  de  job  ef  it  was  offered  meh, 
'cause  ef  I  did  Sam  de  Scribe  would  worry 
327 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

de  life  out  ef  meh  ter  be  de  secretary  ef  de 
treasury,  an'  yer  knows  very  well  den  where 
I  would  come  in — I  would  come  in  a  empty 
vault.  An'  den  I  s'pose  Foxy  Basket  would 
come  aroun'  an'  bother  de  life  out  ef  meh 
ter  be  Chief  Justice  ef  de  Supreme  court, 
an'  he  wouldn't  sleep  until  he  had  Sam  in 
jail  an'  him  ahead  ef  de  govermint's  safe,  an' 
den,  oncet  more,  where  would  I  come  in?  I 
wouldn't  git  enuf  fer  a  decent  breakfast,  an' 
how  would  de  Amerikin  peepul  feel  ef  dey 
knowed  deir  president  wasn't  gettin'  enuf 
ter  eat,  eh? 

Well,  but  de  White  House  ain't  got 
nothin'  ter  do  wid  what  I  begun  ter  say,  fer 
what  I  started  out  ter  tell  was  dat  I  hap 
pened  ter  meet  Mr.  O'Brien  on  de  street  one 
day,  an'  he  says  ter  meh : 

"  Mollbuzzer,  kin  yer  git  meh  free  thou 
sand  hobos  fer  thirty  days?  I  knows  yer  is 
de  king  ef  de  hobos  an'  what  yer  says  goes 
wid  de  gang." 

328 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

"What  fer  free  thousand  hobos?" 
axes  I. 

"  Fer  votes,"  says  he.  "  I'm  runnin'  agin 
Hogan  fer  alderman  ef  de  ward,  an'  I'm 
afeerd  it's  goin'  ter  be  close." 

"  Hobos  is  gettin'  scarce,"  says  I  slow, 
a-thinkin'.  "  I  ain't  seen  many  of  'em 
aroun'  dis  spring.  De  perlice  is  drivin'  'em 
out." 

"  I  kin  fix  de  perlice,"  he  says,  "  ef  yer 
kin  fix  de  hobos.  Yer  see,  Mollbuzzer,  ac- 
cordin'  ter  de  'lection  law  dey  must  live  !n 
de  ward  fer  thirty  days  afore  dey  kin  regis- 
ture  an'  vote.  I'll  feed  'em  an'  beer  'em  an' 
lodge  'em  in  meh  lodgin'  house,  De  Star  Ef 
Hope.  I  kin  pack  'em  in  like  flies,"  he  says. 
"  Yer  knows  hobos,  Mollbuzzer,  dey  kin 
sleep  a-standin'  up,  er  a-holdin'  on  ter  a  table 
by  deir  elbows  er  deir  teeth." 

"  What  does  I  get,"  axes  I,  "  fer  de  free 
thousand." 

"  Twinty  cints  apiece,"  he  says. 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  Hogan  hisself ,"  says  I,  a-lyin',  "  has 
offered  meh  thirty." 

"  But  Hogan  he  ain't  a-goin'  ter  git 
ilicted,"  he  says. 

"  He  will  ef  I  brings  him  de  free  thou- 
san',  each  ef  'em  trained  ter  vote  free 
times,"  I  says. 

O'Brien  t'inks  a  minute  an'  he  says, 
"  Well,  Mollbuzzer,  I'll  git  yer  a  perlitical 
job  ter  boot." 

"  Doin'  what?  "  axes  I. 

"  Garbage  inspictor  ef  de  ward,"  said  he. 

"  Don't  want  it,"  says  I.  "  It  ain't  good 
enuf  fer  me.  I  wants  ter  wear  a  star  an' 
be  a  detective." 

"De  Biformers  '11  howl,"  says  he,  "yer 
ricord  is  too  black." 

"  It's  no  blacker  en  yourn,"  says  I. 

"  Well,"  says  he,  "  bring  de  hobos  'round 
an'  maybe  I  kin  fix  it  up." 

"  I'll  have  'em  'round  in  a  day  er  two," 
says  I,  an'  I  calls  on  Hogan. 
330 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

"  Hogan,"  says  I,  "  O'Brien  has  yer  beat 
ter  a  finish." 

"  How  kin  dat  be?  "  axes  he. 

"  I'm  gettin'  him  free  thousand  hobos 
fer  him  ter  vote  free  times." 

"  An'  what  is  yer  gettin'?  "  axes  he. 
.  "  I  gits  twinty  cints  apiece,  de  garbage 
contract,  an'  a  detective  star  asides/'  says  I. 

"  Yer  knows  what  a  lyin'  skinflint 
O'Brien  is,  Mollbuzzer,"  says  he.  "  Prom 
ises  is  easy." 

"  Pay  in  adwance,"  says  I. 

"  Bring  yer  hobos  ter  men,  Mollbuzzer," 
says  he,  "  an'  I  kin  feed  'em  like  kings  an' 
lodge  'eni  like  queens  in  nieh  place,  De  Home 
Ef  De  Peepul,  fer  a  month.  I'll  give  yer  tin 
cents  a  vote,  which  means  thirty  cents  a 
piece  at  de  least — an'  ater  de  iliction  yer 
kin  be  perlice  sergeant  ef  de  ward  fer  all  I 
cares." 

"  Done,"  says  I. 

An'  I  hustles  aroun*  day  an'  night  an' 
331 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

gets  dose  free  thousan'  hobos  from  every- 
wheres,  Sam  de  Scribe  an'  Foxy  Basket 
a-helpin'  meh. 

An'  Sam  an'  Foxy  says  ter  meh,  "  Moll- 
buzzer,  git  yer  hobos  in  line.  Give  'em  a 
speech  an'  make  em  understand  dat  yer  de 
boss  ef  de  ward  an'  not  Hogan  ner  O'Brien, 
neither.  Don't  be  a-sendin'  em  down  one 
by  one,  er  two  by  two ;  but  bring  'em  yerself 
in  a  bunch,  er  Hogan  'ill  cheat  yer  an'  give 
yer  a  merry  ha !  ha !  " 

So  I  seen  Sam  an'  Foxy  was  right,  an'  I 
gits  dem  hobos  in  a  line  down  a  long  alley 
an'  I  tells  'em  ef  dey  don't  do  ez  I  says  an* 
votes  ez  I  wants  dey  kin  starve  next  iliction, 
an'  dat  I  would  run  dem  out  ef  town,  meh 
bein'  boss  ef  de  ward. 

"An'  Sam  de  Scribe  makes  free  signs, 
which  I  gives  to  de  biggest  fellers  ter  carry. 
An'  one  of  dose  signs  reads :  "  VOTE  FOR 
HOGAN  AN'  RIFOKM";  an'  anuder: 
"VOTE  FOB  HOGAN  AN'  CLEAN 
332 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

POLERTICS";  an'  anuder  "VOTE  FOE 
HOGAN  AN'  HONESTY. " 

An'  I  puts  de  signs  at  de  head,  right  be- 
hint  two  beggars  what  plays  de  fiddle,  an 
uder  what  plays  de  accordion  an'  anuder 
what  plays  de  jew-harp,  an'  we  pushes  ?em 
all  in  line,  an'  turns  inter  de  street,  an'  de 
crowd  watches  on  de  streets  an'  howls  an' 
laffs,  sich  a  crowd  ef  hobos  niver  bein' 
seen  afore,  an'  dey  wonders  what  it  means. 

An'  who  should  come  along  ez  we  wuz 
marchin'  on  but  O'Brien,  an'  he  runs  fer 
meh  an'  he  says : 

"  What  does  dis  mean,  Mollbuzzer?  " 

"  It  means  Hogan,"  I  says.  "  Can't  yer 
read?  Hogan  an'  Honesty.  Hogan  an'  Ri- 
form.  Hogan  an'  Clean  Polertics." 

"  I'm  goin'  ter  have  de  perlice  stop  dis," 
says  he ;  "  it's  a  menunce  agin  public  order 
an'  decency — dese  hobos  marchin'  thru  de 
streets  an'  interferin'  wid  de  bizness  ef 
de  peepul  ef  meh  ward.  An'  I'll  see  yer  in 
333 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

jail  afore  noon  fer  disturbin'  de  peace.  Y'er 
a  lyin'  scoundrel,  a  blackguard,  an7  a  word- 
breaker."  An'  he  shakes  his  big  fist  an' 
runs  orff. 

An'  meh  seein'  trouble  starts  de  line  on 
de  double  quick  fer  Hogan's.  An'  Hogan, 
someone  a-tellin'  him  what  was  up,  conies 
runnin'  out  ef  De  Home  Ef  De  Peepul,  an' 
he  makes  fer  meh,  marchin'  proud  ez  kin  be 
at  de  head  ef  de  line,  an'  he  says : 

"  Mollbuzzer,  y'er  an  idjit,  y'er  crazy. 
Y'er  a-killin'  meh  chanctes.  De  papers  'ill 
howl  about  dis,  an'  de  riformers  'ill  jine 
hands  wid  O'Brien  an'  lay  meh  low  in  de 
dust.  Fer  de  love  ef  Gawd,  break  dem 
signs  an'  let  dem  hobos  come  inter  meh 
place,  one  by  one,  thru  de  alley." 

"  Are  them  hobos  yourn  er  mine?  "  axes  I. 

"  It  don't  make  no  diffrunee,"  he  says, 
"  you  do  what  I  says." 

"  I'm  perlitical  boss,"  I  says,  "  an'  I 
wants  dese  hobos  ter  know  who  is  who  an' 
334 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

what  is  what  in  dis  ward,  an'  who  it  is  dat's 
feedin'  an'  a-carin'  fer  'em." 

"  Yer  does,  does  yer?  "  he  howls;  an'  him 
bein'  a  hot-headed  fool,  he  lands  one  fer  meh 
jaw,  an'  I  dodges  an'  runs.  An'  Sam  de 
Scribe  an'  Foxy  Basket,  seein'  what  was  up, 
dey  orders  de  musicians  ter  turn  an'  make 
fer  O'Brien's;  an'  we  gives  de  big  hobos 
free  new  signs  ter  carry,  one  reading 
"VOTE  FOR  O'BRIEN,  DE  HOBO'S 
FRIEND."  An'  anuder  readin',  «  O'BRIEN 
AN'  CLEAN  STREETS."  An'  anuder 
one  ef  'ein  readin',  "  VOTE  FOR  NO-CAR 
FARE  O'BRIEN." 

An'  de  crowd  seein'  us  march  thru  de 
streets  agin  wid  dem  new  signs,  an'  not 
knowin'  what  was  up,  dey  laughs  an'  howls 
an'  calls  us  names,  but  we  goes  on  a-mindm* 
our  own  bizness,  an'  a-makin'  fer  De  Star 
Ef  Hope. 

An'  O'Brien  he  comes  drivin'  along  wid 
a  pertrol  wagon  full  ef  perlice  jist  afore  we 
335 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

reaches  his  lodgin'  house.  He  jumps  out 
an'  shakes  hands  an'  says,  "  So  yer  changed 
yer  mind,  has  yer,  Mollbuzzer?  " 

"  I  has,"  I  says,  "  it's  O'Brien  an'  riform 
now." 

"  Well,  de  first  thing  ter  do,"  he  says,  "  is 
ter  tear  dem  fool  signs  down ;  dey  looks  ez 
ef  Hogan  ordered  'em." 

"  Look  a-here,"  I  says,  "  I  guess  I  knows 
what  I'm  about.  I'm  bossin'  dose  hobos,  an' 
dem  signs  stays  up  an' " 

"  Orfficers,"  says  Hogan,  "  do  your  duty," 
an'  afore  I  knows  whats  a-happened  two 
cops  grabs  meh,  pounds  meh  inter  jelly,  an' 
throws  meh  inter  de  pertrol  wagon  by  meh 
ear  afore  I  has  time  ter  tell  O'Brien  I'd  git 
even,  er  afore  I  tells  Sam  an'  Foxy  what  ter 
do. 

An'   O'Brien   he  tells  dem   hobos  what 

he'll  do  fer  'em  an'  how  nice  it  '11  be  in  De 

Star  Ef  Hope,  where  dey  kin  stay  free  fer  a 

month,  no  Work,  only  drinkin',  eatin',  an' 

336 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

sleeping  an'  dey  bein'  tired  ef  marchin'  up 
an'  down  an'  afreerd  ef  de  cops,  dey  breaks 
ranks,  sells  meh  out,  an'  marches  one  by  one 
through  de  alley  an'  inter  O'Brien's  lodgin' 
house. 

But  Foxy  Basket  an'  Sam  de  Scribe  dey 
runs  fer  Hogan's  an'  tells  him  what  has 
a-happened,  an'  Hogan  he  turns  red  an'  he 
says: 

"  I  was  a  fool  ter  lose  meh  temper. 
O'Brien,  he's  smooth,  he  is;  but  if  youse  kin 
git  dem  hobos  back  agin  an'  fix  it  wid  Moll- 
buzzer,  I'll  bail  him  out  ef  jail." 

So  Hogan  comes  down  ter  de  jail  an' 
pays  meh  fine,  which  was  twinty  dollars  fer 
breakin'  de  peace,  an'  ten  more  fer  bein'  a 
vagabond  an'  ten  more,  which  was  fer  re- 
sistin'  an  officer  ef  de  law. 

An'  Hogan  says,  "  It  '11  be  a  lesson  ter  yer, 

Mollbuzzer,  fer  de  rest  ef  yer  life  ter  stancf 

by  yer  friends.     Now  yer  kin  git  dem  hobos 

in  meh  place,  De  Home  Ef  De  Peepul.    An' 

337 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

dere  ain't  no  time  ter  lose,  de  day  fer  reges- 
terin'  comin'  on  fast." 

Well,  meh  an'  Sam  an'  Poxy  fixes  up  a 
scheme,  meh  layin'  low;  an'  Sam  an'  Foxy, 
O'Brien  not  knowin'  either  ef  'em,  'tendin' 
ter  business  an'  goin'  ter  O'Brien's  ter  board 
an'  lodge  fer  deir  votes. 

An'  de  fust  night  at  one  o'clock,  Sam  he 
jumps  out  ef  his  place  under  de  table,  an'  he 
yells,  "  Fire !  Fire ! "  wid  all  his  lungs. 
An'  dem  hobos  rolls  out  ef  every  corner  ef 
de  place,  orff  de  tables  an'  from  under  de 
chairs,  an'  de  floors,  an'  de  bunks,  orff  every  - 
wheres  but  de  ceilin'.  An'  dey  pours  inter 
de  street,  O'Brien  a-runnin'  up  an'  down, 
pullin'  his  hair  an'  a-cussin'  an'  a-screamin'. 

An'  when  dey  gets  outside  an'  stands 
'round,  watchin'  fer  de  fun  ef  seein'  De  Star 
Ef  Hope  goin'  up  in  smoke  an'  flame,  Sam 
says  as  maybe  dere  was  no  fire  an'  he  might 
'a'  made  a  mistake,  but  he  guessed  de  place 
would  burn  down  anyways,  an'  maybe  dey 
338 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

better  go  back  ter  Hogan's,  his  place  bein' 
safer  an'  de  grub  better. 

But  O'Brien,  sniellin'  a  rat,  follered  Sain 
an'  he  kep'  an  eye  on  him,  an'  when  he  heard 
Sam  a-sayin'  dey  better  go  ter  Hogan's,  he 
makes  a  spring  fer  his  neck,  but  Sam  he 
runs  fer  his  life,  an'  O'Brien  ater  him 
lickety-spin ;  an'  all  de  hobos  ater  Sam  an' 
O'Brien,  a-yellin'  an'  a-screamin'  ter  see  de 
fun.  De  whole  street  was  awake  from  one 
end  ter  de  other  wid  heads,  a-lookin'  out 
everywheres,  an'  peepul  askin'  what  de  mat 
ter  was,  an'  ef  de  world  was  a-comin  ter  a 
end. 

Sam  gits  away,  bein'  thinner  an'  quicker 
on  de  run,  an'  O'Brien  says,  "  Come  on  back, 
boys,  an'  I'll  stand  treat,  yer  kin  have  what 
yer  wants,"  an'  dey  all  goes  back,  bein'  mad 
at  Sam  fer  disturbin'  deir  sweet  slumber  an' 
gentle  dreams. 

But  Foxy  Basket  sticks  his  head  in  de 
flower  barrul  de  next  night,  er  he  paints  it 
339 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

wid  chalk — I  don't  know  what  he  done,  but 
he  looked  white  ez  water,  an'  he  sits  aroun' 
de  stove,  keepin'  an  eye  open  fer  O'Brien, 
a-mumblin'  an'  a-groanin'  ter  hisself. 

"What's  de  matter,  Foxy?"  axes  dey, 
"  ain't  yer  a-feelin'  well  ?  " 

"  I  ain't  a-feelin'  so  bad,"  says  he,  "  but 
Im  afreerd — I  hate  ter  scare  youse  gents — 
I'm  afreerd  I  got  de  small-pox.  I  seen  one 
man  wid  it  an' " 

Dey  never  waited  fer  ter  hear  him  finish, 
dey  jist  went  a-rollin'  an'  tumblin'  an' 
a-jumpin'  out  ef  De  Star  Ef  Hope,  hustlin' 
thru  de  doors  an'  de  winders  an'  a-yellin' 
all  de  time,  "  Smallpox !  Smallpox ! " 
Sam's  cry  ef  fire  wasn't  in  it  fer  a  chaser. 

An'  Foxy  he  jist  waits  till  de  last  one 
was  gone  an'  den  he  takes  a  rag  an'  wipes 
de  white  orff  his  face,  an'  he  grins  an'  he 
laffs.  O'Brien,  who  was  out  a-talkin' 
polertics  ter  a  neighbor,  ketches  wind  ef 
was  up,  an'  he  jist  gits  back  in  time 
340 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

ter  see  de  last  ef  de  hobos  makin'  fer  de  door 
an'  ter  hear  'em  yell  "  Smallpox !  "  An'  he 
comes  inside  in  time  ter  see  Foxy  rubbin' 
his  face  an  laffin'  an'  grinnin'. 

"  Yer  de  guy  wid  de  small-pox,  eh?  "  yells 
he.  "  Hogan's  brand  ef  it,  I  reckon,"  says 
he. 

An'  Foxy,  he  bein'  smart  an'  quick  ez 
O'Brien  any  day,  jest  rubs  de  white  on  agin 
an'  looks  up  an'  says,  "  I  guess  I  be." 

An'  O'Brien  stands  a-lookin'  like  ez  if  he 
didn't  want  ter  believe  it,  an'  yet  don't  dare 
not  ter  believe  it,  an'  he  says,  "  Well,  git,  an' 
git  quick." 

An'  de  next  day  dere  was  a  long  piece  in 
de  Kepublikin  papers  savin'  ez  a  smallpox 
case  was  found  in  De  Star  Ef  Hope  an'  it 
was  bein'  fumigumigated,  an'  at  least  free 
thousand  votes  was  lost  fer  O'Brien.  An'  de 
funny  cove  has  a  pictshure  in,  a-showin'  de 
hobos  a-jumpin'  fer  deir  lives — a  pictshure 
what  would  make  even  de  little  dorg  in  de 
341 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

corner  ef  it  laugh.  But  O'Brien,  he  don't 
laff  none,  yer  kin  bet.  He  goes  aroun' 
sayin'  it  was  a  perlitical  trick  ef  Hogan's, 
puttin'  de  smallpox  onter  him. 

De  nixt  day  I  goes  ter  Hogan's  an'  I  says, 
"  Well,  Hogan,  I  brung  de  hobos  back." 

"  You  brung  'em  back ! "  screams  he. 
"  You  brung  'em  back !  " 

"  Sam  de  Scribe  an'  Foxy  Basket  an' 
meh,"  says  I.  "  It's  all  one." 

"  Git  out !  "  says  he.  "  It  was  de  smallpox 
done  it." 

"  See  here,  Hogan,"  says  I,  gettin'  mad, 
"  is  yer  goin'  ter  do  de  square  thing?  Ef 
yer  don't  I  marches  de  hobos  back  ter 
O'Brien's  afore  two  days  is  over." 

"  Blow  yerself  out,"  says  he,  "  it  was  you 
as  took  'em  away  in  de  fust  place.  Ef  yer 
comes  'round  here  agin,  I'll  send  yer  where 
I  found  yer." 

I  was  sore  on  Hogan,  I  kin  tell  youse,  an' 
I  makes  up  meh  mind  fer  ter  git  even  wid 
342 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

him  an'  square  de  deal  wid  O'Brien  ef  I 
didn't  make  a  copper  er  git  meh  detective 
star.  So  I  talks  it  over  wid  Foxy  an'  Sam, 
an'  Sam  writes  a  note  ter  O'Brien  sayin'  ez 
we  hadn't  done  de  square  thing  puttin'  de 
smallpox  on  de  Star  Ef  Hope,  an'  dat  we 
was  sorry  an'  ready  ter  bring  de  hobos  back 
agin,  Hogan  bein'  a  welcher  an'  goin'  back 
on  his  perlitical  word,  an'  savin'  also  ez  we 
would  be  glad  ter  meet  him  at  McQuinn's 
saloon  an'  make  arrangemints  fer  handin' 
back  dose  nine  thousand  votes. 

But  O'Brien — so  I  hears  ater wards  from 
someone  ez  heard  it  den — goes  over  ter 
Hogan  an'  shows  him  de  letter  an'  says, 
"  Yer  sees  how  it  is,  Hogan,  wid  dose  beg 
gars,  we  don't  know  neither  ef  us  where 
we're  standin';  afore  dey  gits  thru  dey 
will  ruin  us  perlitically  an'  in  de  lodgin' 
house  bizness  too.  Dey  put  a  fire  an'  de 
smallpox  onter  meh,  an'  Gawd  knows  what 
dey  will  do  ter  De  Home  Ef  De  Peepul. 
343 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

'Sides  dat,  Hogan,"  he  says,  "  de  riformers 
is  growin'  stronger  in  de  ward  an'  dis  hobo 
rigisterin'  bizness  is  raisin'  a  row  an'  a 
rumpus." 

"  Well,"  says  Hogan,  "  what's  yer  offer?  " 

"  I  offers,"  says  O'Brien,  "  ter  cut  de 
hobos  clean  out  ef  yer  will,  an  ter  fight  it 
out  along  party  lines  strict  an'  square." 

"  It's  easy  talkin',"  says  Hogan,  "  meh 
havin  free  thousand  hobos  ready  ter  line 
up  at  de  poles  a  month  from  ter-day." 

"  But  yer  kin  see,"  says  O'Brien,  "  dat 
accordin'  ter  dis  letter  dat  we  won't  have 
'em  long." 

"  Well,"  says  Hogan,  thi'kin'  a  bit,  « it's 
done";  an'  him  an'  O'Brien  shakes  hands. 

"  But,"  says  O'Brien,  "  yer  an'  meh  will 
go  ter  McQuinn's,  take  a  cop  er  two  along, 
an'  put  dem  free  skinflints  where  dey  ber- 
longs." 

An'  one  ef  de  hobos,  a  good  friend  ef  mine, 
hears  what's  goin'  on  an'  he  hustles  over 
344 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

ter  McQuinn's  an'  tells  meh.  An'  I  kin 
tell  youse  meh  an'  Sain  an'  Foxy  was 
skeered  green,  fer  dem  free  thousand  hobos 
would  have  tied  us  onter  a  lamp-post — an' 
maybe  done  worse — ef  dey  lost  deir  free  keep 
an'  drinkin'  an'  eatin'  fer  thirty  days,  ater 
learnin'  de  joys  ef  it. 

An'  Foxy  he  finks'  an'  he  finks,  an'  jist 
when  I  gives  mehself  up  fer  lost,  he  says, 
"  Mollbuzzer,  what's  de  matter  wid  seein* 
Billy  Rooney,  de  Riform  canderdate,  an'  de- 
liverin'  dem  nine  thousand  votes  ter  him." 

"  Good !  Elegant !  "  says  I,  slapping  him 
on  de  back. 

"  But  will  he  take  'em?  "  axes  Sam. 

"What!"  shouts  I,  "a  riformer  rifuse 
nine  thousand  votes,  an'  him  our  old  friend 
Billy  Rooney!  Git  yer  signs  ready,  Sam; 
an'  Foxy  '11  be  down  de  alley  by  Hogan's  ter 
git  de  hobos  'bout  de  time  dey  is  turned 
loose,  an'  he  kin  explain  how  Rooney's  place 
is  de  best  ef  all,  an'  I'll  run  up  ter  see 
345 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

Rooney  an'  have  him  rint  a  loft  er  an  empty 
barn  er  two." 

An'  Sam  paints  free  signs  lightnin'  quick. 
One  which  was  "ROONEY  AN'  NOBUL 
RIFORM."  An'  anuder  which  reads, 
"ROONEY  CLOSES  DE  SALOONS  AT 
MIDNIGHT,"  an'  a  third,  which  is 
"ROONEY,  DE  FRIEND  EF  DE  OP- 
PRISSED." 

An'  Foxy  an'  Sam  gits  dere  jist  in  time 
when  de  first  line  ef  hobos  was  a-huntin'  fer 
us  free  an'  he  explains  how  things  was 
a-standin',  an'  dey  seen  de  signs  an'  calls, 
"  Hurray  fer  Rooney !  " 

An'  oncet  agin  dat  noble  line  ef  hobos 
goes  a-marchin'  down  de  street,  wid  de  ac 
cordion  an'  de  two  fiddlers  an'  de  jew-harp 
ahead,  an'  de  peepul  pushin'  up  ter  de  curbs 
laffin'  an'  howlin'. 

!An'  Hogan  an'  O'Brien  happened  ter  still 
te  talkin'  polertics  ez  we  come  marchin' 
'down  de  street,  an'  I  tell  youse  when  dey 
346 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

seen  dem  signs  deir  four  eyes  stands  out 
larger  en  six  pawnbroker  balls. 

An'  afore  O'Brien  has  time  ter  say, 
"  Look !  "  Hogan,  bein'  a  man  ef  quick  tem 
per,  yells  out,  "  Yer  a-lyin'  scoundrel, 
O'Brien,  yer  sold  men  out.  Yer  an'  Rooney 
is  playin'  kerhoots."  An'  he  hits  him 
acrost  de  jaw,  an'  O'Brien  hits  him  back. 
An'  Foxy  runs  up  an'  says : 

"Dat's  right,  O'Brien,  hit  him  one  fer 
meh." 

An'  Sam  runs  up  an'  says,  "  Dat's  right, 
Hogan,  dat's  right,  hit  him  one  fer  meh,  an' 
a  good  one." 

An'  den  Hogan  an'  O'Brien  seen  how  it 
was  an'  dey  shakes  hands  an'  goes  orff  arm 
in  arm,  a-swearin'  dey  would  git  even  wid 
us. 

Meantime  I  finds  Rooney  in  his  hat-store 
an'  I  says  ter  him,  "  Rooney,  I've  riformed." 

"  What  does  dat  mean,  Mollbuzzer?  "  he 
axes. 

347 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

"  I'm  fer  you  an'  riform,  Rooney,  nine 
thousan'  strong,"  I  says. 

"  Kin  yer  deliver  'em,  Mollbuzzer?  "  he 
axes. 

"  De'r  on  deir  way  now,"  says  I. 

"  Come  back  in  meh  office,"  says  he,  "  an' 
we'll  talk  bizness." 

"  I  ain't  got  much  time,  Rooney,"  I  says ; 
"  I'll  have  ter  see  Hogan  an'  O'Brien  afore 
de  mornin'  is  over." 

"  Not  at  all ;  not  at  all,"  he  says. 

An  we  fixes  de  deal  quick,  he  agreein'  ter 
board  an'  lodge  de  army  fer  registering  ter 
give  meh  tin  cents  a  vote  in  case  he  wins, 
an'  ter  riform  polertics  by  givin'  Sam  an' 
Poxy  an'  meh  jobs  in  de  ward. 

So  I  runs  out  ahead  an'  meets  Foxy  an' 
Sam,  an'  we  stops  de  music  an'  hauls  dem 
signs  down  lightnin'  quick,  havin'  learned  a 
bit  about  polertics  by  expeerience,  an'  we 
marches  de  line  ter  de  loft  where  Rooney 
tole  meh  ter  go. 

348 


I  Takes  a  Try  at  Polertics 

It  was  mighty  easy  sailin'  fer  de  nixt 
thirty  days,  dem  hobos  an'  us — 'specially  us 
— livin'  on  honey  an'  clover;  but  de  trouble 
was  dat  Hogan  an'  O'Brien,  seein'  it  was  all 
over  wid  dem  ef  dey  don't  play  roily  polley 
tergither,  dey  jines  hands  an'  fixes  up  a 
deal  an'  O'Brien  was  ilicted.  Maybe,  ef  it 
wasn't  fer  dat,  I'd  be  oil-inspector  now  in 
dis  ward. 

De  way  it  seems  ter  meh,  Mr.  Anterpoler- 
gist,  is  dat  riform  is  all  right  de  day  afore 
ilection,  but  it  ain't  much  de  day  ater.  How 
does  she  strike  you,  eh? 

Say,  Mr.  Anterpolergist,  meh  autobiog- 
raphee  is  close  on  ter  de  grave  now,  an'  I 
wants  de  twenty-five  dollars  yer  promised 
meh  afore  I  writes  down  de  account  ef  meh 
funerul,  else  yer  will  say  I'm  dead  an'  yer 
can't  pay  a  dead  man  no  money.  Please 
don't  come  no  science  ef  man  games  on  meh, 
an'  don't  do  no  anterpolergizin',  but  hand 


349 


The  Autobiography  of  a  Beggar 

over  de  coin  in  smilin'  nickels  an'  laffin' 
dimes.  MOLLBUZZEE. 

P.  S.  How  about  buyin'  back  de  little 
Hebrew  book  on  Moses,  which  I  finds  has  de 
science  ef  wimens  in  it,  too? 


THE    END 


350 


NOTABLE  BOOKS  OF  AMERICAN    HUMOR 

FROM   THE   LIST   OF 

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BY  FINLAY  PETER  DUNNE  («  MR.  DOOLEY  ") 

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Cloth,  decorative,  6f  x  5!  in.  With  ten  illustrations  by 
Ralph  Bergengren.  $1.00 

SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


NOTABLE   BOOKS  OF  AMERICAN  HUMOR 

BY  GEORGE   HORACE    LORIMER 

LETTERS  FROfl   A  SELF-HADE   HERCHANT  TO  HIS 

SON :  Being  the  Letters  written  by  John  Graham,  head  of  the 
•  house  of  Graham  &  Company,  pork-packers  in  Chicago,  and 
familiarly  known  "  on  'change"  as  "  Old  Gorgon  Graham,"  to 
his  son,  Pierrepont,  member  of  the  Senior  Class  of  Harvard 
University,  and  facetiously  known  to  his  fellow-students  as 
"Piggy."  (100th  thousand) 

With  18  illustrations  by  F.  R.  Gruger  and  B.  Martin  Justice 
This  remarkable  volume  brings  a  new  author  into  the  field  of 
American  humor,  who  by  this  single  work  has  won  a  place 
among  the  very  highest  names  in  that  most  distinctive  achieve 
ment  in  American  literature.  Mr.  Lorimer's  writing  contains 
the  essential  sound  philosophy  which  is  necessary  to  give  per 
manence  to  any  humorous  work,  and  his  quaint  and  homely 
aphorisms  and  the  keenness  of  his  satire  make  every  paragraph 
incisive  and  luminous.  His  advice  is  so  sound,  so  genuine,  and 
withal  so  unforgettable  that  no  better  book  can  be  placed  in  the 
hand  of  a  young  man  about  to  begin  his  struggle  for  existence  ; 
and  many  an  old  man  who  has  achieved  success  in  life  will  find 
kindred  experiences  to  his  own  in  the  reminiscences  which  are 
liberally  intermixed  with  the  sage  counsel  of  the  letters. 

"  For  dry,  caustic  humor,  pithy  common  sense  and  good  advice,  re 
lieved  by  excellent  stories  capitally  told,  [we  have]  not  lately  read 
anything  that  nearly  equals  these  letters." — Punch  (London). 
"  The  father  is  a  philosophic  symphony  in  pork  that  can  write 
letters  that  stamp  him  as  a  self-made  combination  of  Lord  Chester 
field  and  Josh  Billings." — Judge  (New  York). 

"  The  wholesomest,  helpfullest,  jolliest  book  of  the  year." —  Chicago 
Record  Herald. 

"  There  has  been  nothing  since  the  wisdom  of  Franklin  that  is  to  be 
placed  in  the  same  class  as  this  common-sense  book." — St.  Louis 
Globe  Democrat. 

44  As  humor,  pure  and  simple,  the  '  Letters  '  will  evoke  more  •miles  to 
the  minute  than  anything  that  has  been  issued  as  pure  fun  in  recent 
years." —  New  York  Press. 

Cloth,  gold  decoration,  7^x4^  in.  $1.50 

SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


NOTABLE  BOOKS  OF  AMERICAN  HUMOR 

BY  OLIVER  HERFORD 
AN   ALPHABET  OP  CELEBRITIES. 

"  Mr.  Herford,  less  considerate  than  Dr.  Holmes,  always  dares  to  be 
as  funny  as  he  can,  and  the  wicked  glee  with  which  he  groups  per 
sons  incongruous  and  antipathetic  and  shows  them  doing  things  im 
possible  to  them,  and  makes  pictures  of  them,  is  a  thing  to  shock  the 
Gradgrinds  and  dismay  the  Chadbands.  The  book  is  printed  in  two 
colors  to  divert  the  reader's  mind  from  the  jokes,  lest  laughter  be 
fatal  to  him."  —  New  York  Times. 


Paper  boards,  9  ^4  x  7  ^  in. 

With  26  illustrations  by  the  Author.  $1.50 

BY  JOHN  B.  TABB 
CHILD  VERSE.    Poems  Grave  and  Gay 

Little  poems,  full  of  fancy  and  sweetness,  for  grown  peo 
ple  as  well  as  for  children. 

"  It  is  pleasant  to  observe  that  Father  Tabb  is  not  afraid  of  the  pun. 
He  uses  it  very  felicitously  in  a  number  of  his  verses.  It  is  good  to 
see  the  rehabilitation  of  an  ancient  and  unfortunate  friend."  —  Har 
per's  Weekly. 

Cloth,  decorative,  7^  x  6^  in.  $1.00 

BY  AGNES   LEE 
THE  ROUND  RABBIT.      And  Other  Child  Verse 

A  new  holiday  edition  of  Mrs.  Lee's  delightful  verse,  which 
includes  a  number  of  new  poems.  With  illustrations  by 
O'Neill  Latham. 

"  The  mother  who  [can  read]  to  her  young  ones  these  cheerful,  sweet, 
and  fascinating  jingles,  with  the  pretty  quaint  conceits  and  ingenious 
rimes,  without  chuckling  and  forgetting  her  woes,  will  be  indeed 
deeply  dyed  in  cerulean."  —  The  Bookseller,  Newsdealer,  and  Stationer. 

Cloth,  decorative,  7^  x  6#  in.  Net,  $1.00 

SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


NOTABLE  BOOKS   OF  AMERICAN  HUMOR 

BY  HOLMAN  F.  DAY 
UP  IN  HAINE.    Stories  of  Yankee  Life  told  in  Verse. 

Few  books  of  verse  have  won  popular  favor  so  quickly  as 
this  volume,  which  is  now  in  its  ninth  edition  and  selling 
as  steadily  as  when  first  published.  It  is  a  rare  combina 
tion  of  wit,  humor,  sense,  and  homely  pathos. 

"  Reading  the  book,  one  feels  as  though  he  had  Maine  in  the  phono 
graph." —  The  New  York  Sun. 

"  James  Russell  Lowell  would  have  welcomed  this  delicious  adjunct 
to  The  Biglow  Papers."—  The  Outlook. 

"  So  fresh,  so  vigorous,  and  so  full  of  manly  feeling  that  they  sweep 
away  all  criticism." —  The  Nation. 

"  His  subjects  are  rough  diamonds.  They  have  the  inherent  qualities 
from  which  great  characters  are  developed,  and  out  of  which  heroes 
are  made." —  Buffalo  Commercial. 

Cloth,  decorative,  six  illustrations,  y-J-  x  4-$  in.  $1.00 


PINE  TREE  BALLADS.  Rhymed  Stories  of  Unplaced 
Human  Natur'  up  in  flaine. 

Mr.  Day's  second  book  bids  fair  to  outdo  in  popularity 
his  earlier  volume. 

The  section  titles,  "  Our  Home  Folks,"  "  Songs  of  the 
Sea  and  Shore,''  "Ballads  of  Drive  and  Camp,"  "Just 
Human  Nature,"  "  Next  to  the  Heart,"  "  Our  Good  Pre 
varicators,"  and  "  Ballads  of  Capers  and  Actions,"  give 
an  idea  of  the  nature  of  the  contents,  which  are  fully 
equal  in  freshness,  vigour,  and  manly  feeling  to  the  poems 
by  which  Mr.  Day  has  already  won  an  established  reputa 
tion. 

"  It  is  impossible  to  think  of  any  person  or  class  of  people  in  America 
that  these  epical  lyrics,  these  laughter-fetching,  tear-provoking  ballads 
will  fail  to  please." — The  Chicago  Record-Herald. 

Cloth,  decorative,  gilt  top,  illustrated,  7^x4  in.  Net^  $1 .00 
SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


NOTABLE  BOOKS  OF  AMERICAN  HUMOR 

BY  OLIVER  HERFORD 
AN   ALPHABET  OP  CELEBRITIES. 

"  Mr.  Herford,  less  considerate  than  Dr.  Holmes,  always  dares  to  be 
as  funny  as  he  can,  and  the  wicked  glee  with  which  he  groups  per 
sons  incongruous  and  antipathetic  and  shows  them  doing  things  im 
possible  to  them,  and  makes  pictures  of  them,  is  a  thing  to  shock  the 
Gradgrinds  and  dismay  the  Chadbands.  The  book  is  printed  in  two 
colors  to  divert  the  reader's  mind  from  the  jokes,  lest  laughter  be 
fatal  to  him."  —  New  York  Times. 


Paper  boards,  9  ^4  x  7  ^  in. 

With  26  illustrations  by  the  Author.  $1.50 

BY  JOHN  B.  TABB 
CHILD  VERSE.    Poems  Grave  and  Gay 

Little  poems,  full  of  fancy  and  sweetness,  for  grown  peo 
ple  as  well  as  for  children. 

"  It  is  pleasant  to  observe  that  Father  Tabb  is  not  afraid  of  the  pun. 
He  uses  it  very  felicitously  in  a  number  of  his  verses.  It  is  good  to 
see  the  rehabilitation  of  an  ancient  and  unfortunate  friend."  —  Har 
per's  Weekly. 

Cloth,  decorative,  7^  x  6^4  in.  $1.00 

BY  AGNES   LEE 
THE  ROUND  RABBIT.     And  Other  Child  Verse 

A  new  holiday  edition  of  Mrs.  Lee's  delightful  verse,  which 
includes  a  number  of  new  poems.  With  illustrations  by 
O'Neill  Latham. 

"  The  mother  who  [can  read]  to  her  young  ones  these  cheerful,  sweet, 
and  fascinating  jingles,  with  the  pretty  quaint  conceits  and  ingenious 
rimes,  without  chuckling  and  forgetting  her  woes,  will  be  indeed 
deeply  dyed  in  cerulean."  —  The  Bookseller,  Newsdealer,  and  Stationer. 

Cloth,  decorative,  7^  x  6#  in.  Net,  $1.00 

SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


NOTABLE  BOOKS   OF  AMERICAN  HUMOR 

BY  HOLMAN  F.  DAY 
UP  IN  HAINE.    Stories  of  Yankee  Life  told  in  Verse. 

Few  books  of  verse  have  won  popular  favor  so  quickly  as 
this  volume,  which  is  now  in  its  ninth  edition  and  selling 
as  steadily  as  when  first  published.  It  is  a  rare  combina 
tion  of  wit,  humor,  sense,  and  homely  pathos. 

"  Reading  the  book,  one  feels  as  though  he  had  Maine  in  the  phono 
graph."—  The  New  York  Sun. 

"  James  Russell  Lowell  would  have  welcomed  this  delicious  adjunct 
to  The  Biglow  Papers." —  The  Outlook. 

"  So  fresh,  so  vigorous,  and  so  full  of  manly  feeling  that  they  sweep 
away  all  criticism." —  The  Nation. 

"  His  subjects  are  rough  diamonds.  They  have  the  inherent  qualities 
from  which  great  characters  are  developed,  and  out  of  which  heroes 
are  made." —  Buffalo  Commercial. 

Cloth,  decorative,  six  illustrations,  y-J  x  4$  in.  $1.00 


PINE  TREE  BALLADS.  Rhymed  Stories  of  Unplaned 
Human  Natur'  up  in  flaine. 

Mr.  Day's  second  book  bids  fair  to  outdo  in  popularity 
his  earlier  volume. 

The  section  titles,  "  Our  Home  Folks,"  "  Songs  of  the 
Sea  and  Shore,"  " Ballads  of  Drive  and  Camp,"  "Just 
Human  Nature,"  "  Next  to  the  Heart,"  "  Our  Good  Pre 
varicators,"  and  "  Ballads  of  Capers  and  Actions,"  give 
an  idea  of  the  nature  of  the  contents,  which  are  fully 
equal  in  freshness,  vigour,  and  manly  feeling  to  the  poems 
by  which  Mr.  Day  has  already  won  an  established  reputa 
tion. 

"  It  is  impossible  to  think  of  any  person  or  class  of  people  in  America 
that  these  epical  lyrics,  these  laughter-fetching,  tear-provoking  ballads 
will  fail  to  please." — The  Chicago  Record-Herald. 

Cloth,  decorative,  gilt  top,  illustrated,  7^x4  in.  Net,  $1 .00 
SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


A   STANDARD    LIBRARY   OF   BIOGRAPHY 

THE    BEACON    BIOGRAPHIES 
OF    EMINENT    AMERICANS 


The  aim  of  this  series  is  to  furnish  brief,  readable,  and 
authentic  accounts  of  the  lives  of  those  Americans  whose 
personalities  have  impressed  themselves  most  deeply  on 
the  character  and  history  of  their  country.  On  account 
of  the  length  of  the  more  formal  lives,  often  running  into 
large  volumes,  the  average  busy  man  and  woman  have 
not  the  time  or  hardly  the  inclination  to  acquaint  them 
selves  with  American  biography.  In  the  present  series 
everything  that  such  a  reader  would  ordinarily  care  to 
know  is  given  by  writers  of  special  competence,  who 
possess  in  full  measure  the  best  contemporary  point  of 
view.  Each  volume  is  equipped  with  a  photogravure 
portrait,  an  engraved  title-page,  a  calendar  of  important 
dates,  and  a  brief  bibliography  for  further  reading. 
Finally,  the  volumes  are  printed  in  a  form  convenient  for 
reading  and  for  carrying  handily  in  the  pocket. 

"  They  contain  exactly  what  every  intelligent  American  ought  to 
know  about  the  lives  of  our  great  men." — Boston  Herald. 

"  Surprisingly  complete  studies,  . . .  admirably  planned  and  executed." 

—  Christian  Register. 

"  Prepared  as  carefully  as  if  they  were  so  many  imperial  quartos, 
instead  of  being  so  small  that  they  may  be  carried  in  the  pocket." — 
New  York  Times. 

"  They  are  books  of  marked  excellence." —  Chicago  Inter-Ocean. 

"  They  interest  vividly,  and  their  instruction  is  surprisingly  compre 
hensive." —  The  Outlook. 

Price  per  volume,  cloth,  750.  net.      Lambskin,  $1.00  net. 
For  list  of  titles  see  next  page. 

SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  PUBLISHERS,  BOSTON 


THE   BEACON   BIOGRAPHIES 
OF     EMINENT     AMERICANS. 


The  following  relumes  are  issued: — 

Louis  Agassiz,  br  ALICE  BACNZ  GOCLD. 

John  James  Audubon,  by  JOHN  BURROUGHS. 

Edwin  Booth,  by  CHARLIS  TOWNSIND  COPKLAND. 

Phillips  Brooks,  by  M.  A.  DxWoLrx  Howx. 

John  Brown,  by  JOSEPH  EDGAR  CHAMBXRLIN. 

Aaron  Burr,  by  HKNRT  CHILDI  MIRWIN. 

James  Fenimore  Cooper,  by  W.  B.  SKVBRICK  CLTMXI. 

Stephen  Decatur,  by  CYRUS  TOWWSIND  BRAOT. 

Frederick  Douglass,  by  CHARLXI  W.  CHXINUTT. 

Ralph  Waldo  Emerson,  by  FB^NK  B.  SANBORN. 

David  G.  Farragut,  by  JAMIS  BARNIS. 

Ulysses  S.  Grant,  by  OWKN  WISTXR. 

Alexander  Hamilton,  by  JAMXS  SCHOULIR. 

Nathaniel  Hawthorne,  by  Mn.  JAMXI  T.  FIXLDI. 

Father  Hecker,  by  HXNRT  D.  SCDGWICK,  Jr. 

Sam  Houston,  by  SARAH  BARNWKLL  ELLIOTT. 

"  Stonewall "  Jackson,  by  CARL  HOYXT. 

Thomas  Jefferson,  by  THOMAS  £.  WATSON. 

Robert  E.  Lee,  by  WILLIAM  P.  TRINT. 

Henry  W.  Longfellow,  by  GXORGX  Ricx  CAIPXNTBR. 

James  Russell  Lowell,  by  EDWARD  EVIRITT  HALX,  Jr. 

Samuel  F.  B.  Morse,  by  JOHN  TROWBRIDGX. 

Thomas  Paine,  by  ELLIRY  SXDGWICK. 

Daniel  Webster,  by  NORMAN  HAPGOOD. 

John  Greenleai  Whittier,  by  RICHARD  BURTON. 

Price  per  volume,  cloth,  j$c.  net ;  leather,  $1.00  ntt. 
SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  Publishers. 


A  Companion  Stries  to  tbe  Beacon  Biographies 

THE  WESTMINSTER   BIOG 
RAPHIES  of  Eminent    Englishmen 

The  WESTMINSTER  BIOGRAPHIES  are  uniform  in  plan, 
size,  and  general  make-up  with  the  BEACON  BIOGRAPHIES, 
the  point  of  important  difference  lying  in  the  fact  that 
they  deal  with  the  lives  of  eminent  Englishmen  instead 
of  eminent  Americans.  They  are  bound  in  limp  red  cloth, 
are  gilt-topped,  and  have  a  cover  design  and  a  vignette  title- 
page  by  BERTRAM  GROSVENOR  GOODHUE.  Like  the  Beacon 
Biograf>hiett  each  volume  has  a  frontispiece  portrait,  a 
photogravure,  a  calendar  of  dates,  and  a  bibliography  for 
further  reading. 

The  following  volumes  are  issued:  — 
Robert  Browning,  by  ARTHUR  WAUG*. 
Daniel  DefOG,  by  WILFRED  WHITTEN. 
Adam  Duncan  (Lord  Camperdown),  by  H.  W.  WILSOK. 
George  Eliot,  by  CLARA  THOMSON. 

Cardinal  Newman,  by  A.  R.  WALLER. 
John  Wesley,  by  FRANK  BANFIELD. 

Price  per  volume,  cloth,  75c.  net;  lambskin,  $1.00  net. 
SMALL,  MAYNARD  &  COMPANY,  Publi«h«. 


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